I was shattered. Pieces of myself were lost, lost forever. I was a shell. Do you know what it feels like to be an empty shell? So lost, with no idea how to find who you were.
For a long time, this was my story. Everything I had to give, what was left, went to my son. Breastfeeding, diaper changes, tummy time, playtime, reading books…. Just going through the motions – anything to just get through another day. I was a broken woman. I was fighting the inevitable.
This is what I allowed infidelity and divorce to do to me. I am thankful my little kiddo will have no memory of the time when his mommy was lost. I still may not know where I am going but I am glad the fog is lifting.
I cannot erase the fact I was broken. I cannot erase the hurts. I have acknowledged them, no longer running. No longer searching, with no idea what I was looking to find.
I read a book the other day. Wasted a day reading. What a wonderful waste! It was not a book on dealing with infidelity or how to recover after a divorce, but a sci-fi paranormal book. I escaped into another world. It was something I did on a regular basis before my life was too much. I felt a little of my old self-returning.
It was book I purchased during my pregnancy and have looked at almost everyday. Every day saying, “I need to read again”. Yet, I never picked it up to read. I had lost my desire to read. To have your world shattered in such a way that the simple pleasure of reading is gone. That is where I was. This is what I allowed myself to become.
I was shattered and I was broken, but I was not destroyed. I am slowly putting my pieces back together again. I will never be the same. Forever changed. The life I envisioned will never be. I fought the change for so long.
I still do not where I am going. But I know looking backwards is not moving forward. I am learning to let go of those expectations I held on to so tightly. I will stop fighting the inevitable.
I do not expect to be same person I was before. I have changed. The caterpillar has become a butterfly.