After the end of an ill-fated move across countries about a year and a half ago to be with the father of my child, I returned to Paris with nothing more than two suitcases and a toddler who had moved house three times in less than three years. With no job and no idea what to do next, I’ve spent the past year making grand plans while at the same time being stuck in a frozen paralysis. One of my grand ideas was to write about my experience here. I managed to write a few articles last spring which felt great but then my energy just disappeared. I think I fell into a depression.
But here I am writing which is a good sign that something has changed. I’m back to share my latest adventure… my foray into online dating and why I always end up in tears!
Little Hidalgo started school in September (thanks to France’s free, early and high quality education) and I suddenly found myself with a decent stretch of time where I wasn’t just taking care of basics. Laying in bed most of the day with my laptop, I binged watched every TV series I could find on Netflix, played online games and applied to tons of jobs to which I’m apparently unqualified. As winter set in, I rarely left the house except to take Hidalgo to school and finally came to the realization that SOMETHING HAD TO CHANGE.
So… I signed up to a questionnaire based dating site and here, the starting point is much easier. I now have information on the age, career, family and marital status of any of the men I communicate with. They also know my age, the fact I have a child and a true (but flattering) view of my appearance. If someone doesn’t like the way I look at first glance and vice versa, there really is no point of going any further. Besides, I don’t really understand why people looking for relationships would start with a lie… at some point you will meet and the truth will out. No one likes being deceived and wasting their time with a liar.
The first man I felt real chemistry with invited me to a comedy show on the same evening of our afternoon coffee. I was happy to know he felt mutual attraction and we had a nice time, but nothing earth shattering. After a week of text flirting and funeral (his grandmother died), he even suggested we could go to Iceland together. I thought either this guy is full of it or I’m about to embark on a whirlwind romance. He then invited me to his home the following week to cook dinner which turned out to be an excuse to try to get in my pants.
As soon as he kissed me, I started to cry for no reason that I can fully understand. Undeterred, he moved on to the rest of my body but I was still emotionally confused. I gently rebuffed his advances to take it to the bedroom and eventually he drove me home. We continued to text for a few weeks but I had two weekends in a row of pre-arranged plans and he didn’t bring up Iceland again. When I told him it was my turn to make him dinner, he came over but I already could tell he wasn’t really interested in me anymore. He still wanted to have sex and well… against my better judgment, I did. It turns out that a guy in a hurry is not a very gentle, patient or thoughtful lover and he left soon after. Needless to say, he got what he wanted and communication pretty much dropped to zero immediately after.
The second man who managed to get past coffee has been a whole different story. After six weeks of afternoon meet ups, coffees, lunches, a movie and lovely dinner in the city followed by a walk along the banks of the Seine, he kissed me. I felt numb which was better than crying, at least. He’s been very patient but the last two times he tried to kiss me, I cried. And once started, I’ve become a babbling faucet of tears. I can’t even tell if I’m attracted to him because of all of the crying. At the same time, I’m maintaining an emotional distance which he has observed and asked me about. I don’t even know what to say because I don’t understand it myself. He’s still pursuing me but I either feel nothing or I cry.
I don’t think I’m depressed anymore because I’ve got energy. I laugh, I have fun when I’m out with friends and have a great time with my son. But there is a wall (of tears) that I just can’t seem to get past, and I wonder if anyone else has experienced anything like it?
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