After sharing my feelings about a certain someone special to a friend of mine, she wrote me something that not only caught me off guard, but also made me question myself.
She wrote : “You are an inspiration Jessica. I love how you may have had ups and downs, but you are not afraid to continue to love! I am more than happy for you and kiss enough frogs you are bound to find a prince.”
Instantly I thought, wait, out of everything why the hell am I not afraid to love? I am afraid to get hurt, to be left, to be cheated on but I am not afraid to love which invites all those fears in. That makes no sense. How is my heart not hardened, bitter, and broken to all things that even remotely involve a connection with another person? Then I thought, “Did I really maybe kiss my last frog, could he be the prince?” The fairy-tale hope never dies, does it?
Loving someone, although a risk, is also a very freeing feeling, to give so much of yourself without a second thought in the hopes that someone will return the love and see within you all the things you already know exist. On my way home yesterday I was thinking this over, which is something I love to do, to rehash, over think and analyze myself constantly and become my own worst critic. However, I realized that letting someone in, starting over with someone new, forces you to fall in love with yourself and get to know yourself all over again.
When you are in a relationship that has in many ways caused the loss of who you are, that has drained the existence of simple happiness, it is easy to fall into a hole that makes you think that you are worthless. It is even worse when you are left, because we think to ourselves if I was worthy of love, he wouldn’t have left me. If I was beautiful, he wouldn’t have chosen her, if I could just show him I can be more, be better, he will come back. However, day after day, more and more you realize that is not the truth and not what you want. In fact, because you are worthy of love and happiness he is gone, because he wasn’t worthy of your love.
A friend of mine told me once, “Be careful what you fight for, because one day you might wake up and realize it isn’t anything you really want anymore.”
She was right then, and it rings true now. Maybe that is why I am not afraid to love, because I know myself, what I have to offer, my heart and my desires. We all make mistakes, choices that we may regret, and we can talk ourselves out of anything and everything. Trust me, I am the best at all of these but I have never successfully talked myself out of loving. Even if it meant I had to love from afar. You’ve heard the saying, just because you love someone, does not mean that they need to be a part of your life. Apply that wherever it is needed. Be strong in your need to love, just remember to start with loving yourself first.
At the end of the day, I believe that if you love yourself enough, the fear to love dissipates. The desire to give far outweighs the fear we have of not receiving. The rule behind giving is to do so without the goal of receiving anything in return. The gift of love, is no different.