Everyone has told lies. I have and I am sure you have. We all tell our kids about Santa and the Easter bunny and, of course, the tooth fairy. We tell white lies to avoid hurting our friends’ feelings. But when you are in a committed relationship, there are basic requirements necessary to maintain that commitment – and that’s trust and honesty. As the saying goes, without those you have nothing.
When I was married I would use my credit card and go shopping. To save face with the hubs I would not tell him I went. He would see me in a new outfit and say, oh that looks nice when did you buy that? Of course my response always was, this old thing? I have had this for years. These little harmless lies can lead to bigger lies and those could be an issue with your relationship.
Here is a telling story from my last marriage: I met my then husband in 2000 and we had a brief relationship and moved in together and married the following year. My three daughters lived with us at the time. I had gone to a local take out and we all got burger meals. We all ate in different areas of the house and my oldest came up to me to tell me she was going over to a friends. She did not finish her meal and was going to leave the leftover burger and fries on the counter and eat it later. I told her ok and out the door she went. Hours later she came home and found me in the living room and asked me where her dinner was. I told her I had no idea that last time I looked it was on the counter where she left it.
We both went to the kitchen and looked and no food. I went to the fridge and no food. I asked my other daughters who both said they had their own why would they take it? So my last resort was my beloved loving man I married. He told me he didn’t eat it and had no idea where it was. I waited for my daughter to leave the room and I approached him and said, “Hey, if you ate it, just tell me.”
We both knew my oldest could throw an attitude that everyone tried to avoid, so to save face I figured maybe he just didn’t want to tell me he had eaten her leftovers. He looked me straight in the face and said, “I didn’t eat it. Okay?”
I told my daughter I had no idea where it went. I went upstairs later on to get ready for bed and went into our bathroom off our bedroom. To my surprise there in the bathroom waste basket was the wrapper from my daughter’s burger. I knew because what she had ordered was different than what husband ordered. Approaching him would be a mistake that would turn into nothing more than a battle. I decided to take that wrapper and show my daughter. I walked in her room and threw it at her as we both laughed when I told her how I found it and where. I had a small, obese Jack Russell terrier who in no way could jump to that level. That became our standing joke – that the dog took it. That wrapper ended up in boxes when we moved and years later we laughed again once it was found.
Little did I know this was just the beginning of the multitude of lies and deceit to be brought on by my husband. He had a tendency to lie to me even when the truth was right in front of him. He would ask me a question like it was a interrogation and he already knew the answer, testing me. He didn’t realize that after 13 years of marriage I was good at his game.
In 2013 I took a trip overseas to visit my daughter. He drove me to the airport and put me on the plane. He even kissed me good bye and said he loved me. The next day my 18 year old daughter texted me that my husband did not come home the prior night until 4 AM.
I texted him and asked him to explain why he rolled in at 4 AM not to mention the fact my daughter was worried something had happened and was texting him many times to see where he was. His response back to me was defensive. He said, “I suppose she will fill you in on my every move while you are gone.”
Of course he would say that, wouldn’t he? As the weekend came to a close his promise to text my daughter if he was going to be late was broken. He would do it again before the weekend was over. In retrospect, I sensed something was going on before I left on when we went shopping and he bought new expensive pants and shirts and a watch. He never wore a watch the entire time we were together. My suspicions were already screaming in my face. I knew he was cheating.
When he picked me up at the airport after my trip, he told me we were done. Over the next two weeks I repeatedly asked him if he was having an affair. He denied it each and every time I asked. Two weeks later I found the texts on his work phone and found out it was his married co-worker of 3 months. He couldn’t deny what was right in front of him. He still makes excuses to this day about why he did what he did.
I deserved a better ending of our relationship.
I feel had he been honest with me none of the hurt and lies would have occurred, and while our marriage may have still ended, it would have been more civil than what it is now.
My advice to anyone is no matter how much you think your spouse will be angry or hurt, be honest. It’s easier to make up for honesty then to cover up a lie. I have learned my lesson the hard way. If and when I ever decide to be in another relationship I plan to be honest from the beginning to the end, and expect as much from my partner. It’s worth that much.
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