It is the hope that for divorcing parents there can be an agreed upon division of time between both parents to raise their children. The two biggest complaints I hear from the children I see whose family is either divorced or going through the process is about the fighting and the back and forth shuttling they experience going between two homes.
A small percentage of divorcing parents have extenuating circumstances that may bring them to a very costly and emotionally draining process known as a child custody evaluation. In this case, both parents are fighting for sole custody of their child/ren because they feel the other parent has some issues that negatively affect their child’s well-being.
They are now leaving their destiny and that of their children in the hands of the court system and the judge. A custody evaluator is assigned, as is an attorney for the children who will then offer information to the judge after a (hopefully) thorough investigation into the lives of both parents and of the children.
The following are 10 must do’s for surviving a child custody battle.
1. Make a Good First Impression. Whether the custody evaluator comes to your home or you go to her office for your first meeting, make sure you and your home are presentable. No one is asking for you to have fresh, baked bread in the oven or a floor you could eat off of, but straighten up, make the beds, take a shower and un-wrinkle your blouse. Have games or activities set up for your kids to do instead of putting them in front of the television. Evaluators usually recall their first and last meetings the most clearly of all.
2. Be Honest. It is in yours and your child’s best interest to be honest with the evaluator. Lying will get you nowhere and the evaluator is trained to look for untruths. If you lie it will most likely hurt your case.
3. Do not try to be “perfect” for the evaluator. You will probably be asked to complete certain questionnaires as well as interact with your children in front of the evaluator. If you respond to every question in a positive manner, for example, if asked, “How often does your child annoy you?” and you respond, “Never” this will certainly be a red flag as to the accuracy of your responses. It is okay to admit that your kids drive you crazy sometimes.
4. Save important documents regarding your children/parenting, etc and keep them organized. If there are certain documents you know the evaluator will want to see you should keep them well organized and labeled. These might include school and medical records. The more documents the evaluator has to go through the more time it takes and the more money you will wind up spending. If your ex has a police record, or you have a restraining order, or there is documentation of your ex behaving inappropriately with your children you should share this with the evaluator.
5. Keep a calendar of events, incidents, phone calls or visits missed, etc anything you think might be important, even if you are not sure, write it down! Many people think they will remember a specific incident, particularly if it is something meaningful to their case, however, these evaluations take time and you might forget an important detail later on that is then lost if you do not write it down.
6. Keep correspondences between you and your ex to a minimum. If the tensions are already running high between you and your ex, it is best to interact only when necessary. The saying “It takes two to tango” applies here. Remember, just as you are saving all important documents, your ex is as well. Don’t send anything in writing to your ex out of anger that might hurt you later on in a custody evaluation.
7. Check with your attorney about any questions you may have during the process. Your attorney is there to guide you through the process and, knows a lot more about the intricacies of the law than you do. When in doubt, go to the expert.
8. Realize the evaluator is not your enemy and is not “out to get you.” Nor is she your friend. Don’t think that by “chumming it up” with the evaluator that she will lean more in your favor. Also, try not to be too wary and nervous with the evaluator so she doesn’t get to see the “real you.” The evaluator is there to assess the best fit for your children. This is not a popularity contest.
9. Remember, this is about your parenting and relationship with your children. Try to differentiate between that and your failed relationship with your ex. You are better off spending your time you have with the evaluator speaking of your relationship with your children instead of spending it bashing your ex. He will have his own opportunity to speak with her as well. If you show the evaluator how you are the best fit for your children it will go a lot further than trying to show what a bad fit their father is for them. However, if you have legitimate concerns about your ex’s parenting skills it is important to convey that to the evaluator.
10. Be Yourself! In the end, the best advice I can give is to be yourself. Remember the goal here is to show the evaluator and the court that you are the best fit for your children as a parent and you only have their best interests in mind. If you truly believe this it will shine through and the evaluator will be able to share her observations of the loving, and sometimes hectic (normal) interactions every family has. Trying to be someone you are not will not only not help you, it might hurt your case in the end.
More from DivorcedMoms
This is not about surviving; this is about fighting. Specifically, this is about positioning yourself to escalate and win the immediate litigation battle. It ignores the fact that you are locking everyone in toa long-term litigation war that will only end when there are no longer any children for the courts to have jurisdiction over. Even if you “win” this battle, the children lose; long term, only the lawyers win.
The only sure way to survive litigation is to not litigate.
If a father files for custody, a mother is not “locking” anyone into a long-term legal war if she attempts to retain custody of her children. Especially if she feels it is what is in her children’s best interest. Do you say the same to men who are in a custody battle? I seriously doubt it! If my ex had filed for custody of my children (he didn’t because he didn’t want them) I would have done whatever I had to do to maintain my right to custody. You would also!
I do, in fact, say the same thing regardless of who decides they would rather litigate. I never differentiated between mothers and fathers in my comment, nor do I exclude gay couples. One parent decides everyone will be locked in court forevermore; the other is the defendant. I have nothing but sympathy for the defendant, regardless of gender, and nothing but scorn for the destroyer of lives who decides to litigate.
I’m confident that any parent who files litigation, and any parent who refuses to give up her or her children to the other parent, *feels* with absolute certainty that what he or she is doing is in the children’s best interests; that doesn’t mean it *is*.
I did, in fact, do whatever I had to do to remain a part of my child’s life. That meant litigation, defending myself in court against her mother’s never ending attempts to take all our time away, from age 8 to 18. The alternative was to give up being my child’s parent forever.
I can, and did and do, forgive my ex for everything up to and including divorce; I made some mistakes and had shortcomings, too. But I cannot and do not forgive what she did to our (not ‘her’, this child still has TWO parents) child’s life for the years thereafter.
If there is already a suit filed, it is already too late. The courts don’t close custody cases until the child ages out and becomes an adult. Custody is “infinitely reviewable.” There is simply no option to say, “Judge, we don’t like you having final say on everything, so please close the case and give up jurisdiction.”
Custody is “infinitely reviewable.” That is the case regardless if a custody case was ever opened or not. Custody can be decided out of court with a mediator but a parent has a right to challenge custody until the child ages out of the system. And, a custody case is considered settled by the courts unless there is an open, unresolved case on the court dockets. Child custody cases do not live on until a child ages out of the system. They only live if there is case on the court’s docket.