A Letter To My Ex On What Would Be 20th Anniversary

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By Michela Montgomery, Featured Columnist - February 13, 2017

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Honey,

This year would have been our 20-year wedding anniversary. And so, in honor of that, I want to write you a letter.

You couldn’t possibly have known 5 years ago how things would go once we divorced. Neither did I. From the moment I heard you tell me you thought you loved someone else until now, things have been a bit of a calamity.   And yet, as I sit here writing this, I couldn’t be happier. But there are things I need to tell you.

First, I don’t blame you for what happened. Every marriage has its ups and downs and I’m not naive enough to blame everything that happened on you. We both had a part in the demise of our marriage – and for my part in that…I am sincerely sorry.   All I can say is that…I did my very best to love you the best way I knew how. I have no regrets on how vehemently I tried to save our marriage. And I’m lucky that I can sleep well knowing that I tried everything in my power to save us. 

Second, there is never “one thing” that causes a marriage to fail. And so, I understand that you falling in love with someone else was a symptom, not the sole reason that our marriage didn’t survive. Believe it or not, I’m so glad you have found someone you love; that makes you happy and can treat you well. I wish the two of you all the happiness in the world, and it makes me happy to know that you might have found someone who can be there for you.

Third, I’m happy being single. I’ve heard you describe my life to the kids as an “endless parade” of Match.com dates. It’s really not, but here’s the deal. I don’t introduce my dates to the kids because they’re not good enough. When I meet someone amazing? Someone worthy of our children and my life? I’ll finally introduce them. It took me a long time to find my balance after we split. And for now, I’m so happy being happy that I don’t have room in my life for anyone else. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean I’m “less” because I haven’t found “the one” right after we split. I may never find someone to settle down with…and for me, that’s okay. I’m happy conquering the world alone. You know that. You were once okay with that.

Last? I’m okay finding a balance as a divorced “couple”. Yeah, I know, it’s that word again, but – hard as it is to admit – we will always be joined by these two amazing people we created. Graduation, marriage, birth and change…they are ours forever, and I’m okay sharing all those moments with you because - - -I chose you once to share these moments with me when I thought the moments we had together would be endless. Now that I know the time we had together was finite, it doesn’t make it any less precious.

Twenty years have passed since the day I stood in front of our pastor and said my wedding vows. And even though we’re divorced…and May 17th will come and go WITHOUT a 20th wedding anniversary…I will still celebrate it. Because our marriage taught me how to love. It taught me how to live and create new life. But our divorce taught me how to survive. And so now, on May 17th, I will celebrate the happiness we had and the life we created while we were happy together. Because…there were a lot of good times. So today, I thank you for the good times, and the bad times. Because they made me who I am. I thank you for giving me our children, who are incredible people that we both love endlessly. I thank you for the freedom to go spread my wings when our story had come to and end. Happy anniversary regardless of what it means. Because love never really ends…it just becomes something else.

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