I believe we step into the arena of separation and divorce in a somewhat naive fashion and come out the other side far wiser than we were to start with.
There are unspoken rules in a separation between a couple, a taboo and uncomfortable subject – your mutual friends, or as I prefer to call it ‘The conditional friends’. Let me explain further, these are friends who remain so on one condition, that you remain married to your husband.
Once the separation commences, you might not see these people for dust. As far as they’re concerned, you’re almost a leper who must be avoided at all costs. The question is, why on earth are they unable to support both the husband and wife going through the painful process of divorce?
You see, the friends reaction is reliant on 2 conditions:
1. Who gets there first, who tells the details about the end of the marriage (from their point of view of course) before the other partner is barely out the door. Once this happens friends are somewhat forced to take a side.
2. How insistent one of the partners is that a friend must take a side. This is set in stone and divergence from this is seen as ‘letting the side down’ and must be avoided at all costs.
There are additional points to the above, deserving of an Oscar nomination for best supporting role. As in…
1. Playing the victim: Either one of the partners looks disheveled, unkempt and is almost begging the question “are you okay?” and out pours the “poor me, you have no idea what he/she has done now”.
2. The “I can’t wait to tell you the next installment of the divorce:” This can mean that friends are stopped whilst in the supermarket or whilst shopping to be handed the next chapter of the divorce and the custody arrangement, finances or how the ex is behaving. It begs the question, do friends really want to hear about your custody arrangement and all the examples of when he/she didn’t pick up the kids on time, whilst buying fruit and vegetables?
3. The “I’m going to make myself smell of roses and bring up every incident in our marriage to make them look bad:” How long can you spend listening to a catalog of events from the wedding night, to the birth of your first child, rehashed whilst you’re at a dinner party.
These are all however techniques used unconsciously to get mutual friends to back a side.
I am not being flippant as having being through it myself, I know how incredibly painful and traumatic it can be, however, that does not mean we have to throw out our sense of self respect along with our marriage.
I have lived through different aftermaths of divorce where friends are concerned. When my first marriage broke down seventeen years ago, my ex husband’s friends were incredibly supportive to both sides, simply because none of the above points illustrated were used by either one of us to manipulate friendships. We didn’t speak badly about each other and I’m pleased to say that all those years on, we are still on friendly terms and I am still included in their social functions.
When my second marriage ended however I was not so lucky, or perhaps I was lucky, who wants friends who, at a drop of a hat, or as soon as signs are detected of problems in a marriage, run for the hills. They did me a favor, I saw their true colors and realized one very important point, certain friends do not want to be in the midst of confrontation.
Only a couple of my old friends stood by me through the aftermath of the divorce second time around, their support was unwavering and I will be forever thankful. Our mutual friends however hid behind their feelings of discomfort and ultimately the only option they knew and this was to cut off our friendship.
Through the grapevine I would hear about their sense of guilt for not being in contact and a myriad of excuses would follow, but I knew the truth – they were backing the other side. I had no issue if this was the case and our mutual friends stood up and openly admitted to it, but they didn’t. Instead I am subjected to a variety of greetings when they see me ‘you look amazing’, ‘we must be in touch’, ‘I must get your number as I’ve changed phone recently’, ‘we must have you over’, you get the idea?
The bottom line is that they had not been there for me when I had needed them most and it is just far too late to make up for it or to listen to the pathetic excuses. There is a Spanish proverb that says ‘once the vase is broken, even if you try gluing it together, it is never the same again’ – This is exactly how I feel about these friendships. The fact is that at this point in time in my life, I have absolutely no want or desire to reach for the glue and attempt to stick it back together, the moment has gone.
It is with the end of the marriage that you truly know who your friends are, and it is absolutely shocking to realize that the people you were once friends with, shared a bottle of wine with, made dinner parties for and invited to your functions will slam the door in your face once you are going through the process of divorce.
I believe friends should support both parties, invite them to their functions allowing the divorcing couple to behave in a mature and appropriate fashion, but for mutual friends, this is just too much trouble.
Before you divorce be aware that not only will your husband be your ex, but there is a chance that so will your mutual friends.
My ex and I retained almost all of our mutual friends. I’ve since remarried and my husband and his ex’s mutual friends almost all chose a side. To me, our friends to all of their cues from us. I told them it was a sad thing but that I wanted us to remain friends. If I shared anytyhing, it was aways about me (and not in the form of what was done to me). I was sad, not he made me sad. When I saw that my ex was excluded from a party that I thought he should have been invited too, I told the host that it was her party and she could invite anyone that she wanted to, but the last thing I wanted was for her to exclude him because I was going to be there. She invited him. My ex and I showed that we could be trusted to be at the same party. With few exceptions, we’ve each been able to keep our friends.
The only exceptions are with those types who isist on knowing who “won” (and there for know who to blame). Sorry Charlie, we share custody and we split evertying evenly, almost to the penny. Nobody won. We’re just trying really hard to make sure that our kids don’t lose.
Hi JennyD, I think it’s great that you considered your ex husband when invitations were handed out. That is a wonderful way to do things, especially if you have children. Friends should support and invite both sides to their functions. It would be an easier divorce all round if friends kept to this philosophy during the divorce. Your kids will only benefit from this. Good luck
I disagree. I think it is tacky and insensitive to invite both divorcing parties to the same function, especially when the pain is till so raw for at least one of them, and expect that they act as if nothing is wrong. My cousin, who has been like a sister to me for over 40 years, invited both me and my soon-to-be-ex to her New Year’s Eve party, knowing that being around him in a social situation was unbearably painful to me. To me, that hurt worse than when he walked out. He may be her friend, but I was her family. I haven’t spoken to her since.
SueB, you’ve not spoken to your cousin because she invited your ex to a party? Your relationship with your cousin didn’t mean much to you then and, I’m sure she fully understands how little you thought of her. Your cousin was doing the right thing. You had a choice of going to the party or not going to the party. Instead, you wanted to put your cousin in the middle and force her to make a decision that was uncomfortable for her. That says a lot about your character. The best way to get over pain is to act as if nothing is wrong. The quickest way to hold onto pain is to wallow in it and take others down with you. You owe your cousin an apology.
Michele,
The loss of friends is difficult. My ex ran out and called, visited, emailed, texted used whatever means possible to tell it from the mountains what a horrible person I was for filing for divorce. The result was the loss of a lot of so-called friends. I went through horrible periods of extreme loneliness however as time went on and I matured I realized these people weren’t ever really my friends. Had they been true friends they would have contacted me and asked my side, they would have been concerned about our kids, concerned about me, etc. Since none of that took place I really didn’t lose any friends, I lost people I thought were my friends. It didn’t lessed the pain at the moment however it did teach me a very valuable lesson and I am grateful. I am very careful who I count as a friend today. It is a lesson I have passed on to my children as well.
Hi Blackberry wine, it’s great that you used your maturity to realise that these were not real friends and to begin to move on from this very painful lesson. The wonderful thing is that not only have you passed these lessons onto your own children, but you are also learning to be more selective about your friendships. Good luck
I am currently going through this. I tried not to involve my friends in the gory details. My STBXH is playing the Im the victim card and manipulating them fairly well. Like you, I have a few true friends and I am grateful. But those friends who have bashed me, the vase cannot be put back together.
Thanks autumn for your comments, you are so right and my advice is to hold on to your true friends. Good luck with the process.
Thanks autumn for your comments, you are so right and my advice is to hold on to your true friends. Good luck with the process.
Thanks Autumn for your comments, you are so right, just hang on to yout true friends and move on and away from the people who weren’t there for you. Good luck during the process.
Thanks Autumn for your comments, you are so right, just hang on to yout true friends and move on and away from the people who weren’t there for you. Good luck during the process.
It’s very sad and frustrating when one tries to keep it AMICABLE,and your other half chooses to trash you,when infact you know he was the guilty party. You have to wonder how people can be so gullible!!!! It’s a real shame when people don’t know the true facts ..
This is so true. We had a handful or other couple’s that we regularly hung out with. None of them remained my friends at all.
I’ll be at my son’s birthday party soon and I’m sure I might see some of them and I am certainly expecting the same responses as you had gotten. A day late and a dollar short I suppose.
I cut off anyone he associated with at all. I used to think a friend of his was a friend of mine untill one slept with him and he threw me away. I was not going to risk anymore stabs to the back.