My husband and I separated 2 months ago and much to everyone’s dismay, I am not asking him for child support for our 3 children (I will give you a moment to gasp).
Hear me out! Divorce is a messy business and not for the faint of heart. I should know as this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. The trickiest part, at least with my ex, is keeping this civil for the children.
Each and every day I wake up and make the decision to show him grace even though I spent the last 10 years of my life in a very unhealthy relationship. Extending grace is a selfless strength and is what separates the women from the girls. Putting your children’s needs above your own is a must.
No one walks away from a divorce unscathed, especially the kids. Who after all, are completely innocent and dragged through the consequences of our failed marriage.
So why am I not asking for child support?
I assure you, it is not because I am rich or well off. I make ends meet, yes, but am I thriving? Heck no! But I am making it and we need for nothing.
I am choosing not to ask him for child support because ultimately, it is best for my kids. We have agreed to share the cost of child related expenses i.e. daycare, but he does not owe me any money after that point. The way I see it is, if he is handing me over hundreds of dollars a month, how is he ever going to move on?
My ex has a good job but he is not made of dough. It is much healthier for my kids to see him establish himself so they have two healthy parents thriving in society. Would the extra money help me? Absolutely! However, would him setting up a life with my children on his time benefit my kids? Most definitely.
I want him to have a place they can go and feel safe. I want him to be able to plan day trips and mini vacations with them. I want him to be able to find a woman and have the funds to date her. I want him to be happy. A happy father and a happy mother, regardless if they are together, will result in happy children.
Since when do we work under the mentality that because you have children with a man, you need to take him for all he is worth? If you let a trivial thing such as money run your divorce, you will spearhead a nasty divorce.
I am not advocating for women who cannot make ends meet to not ask for support for their children. At the end of the day, each situation is different and unique and should be treated as such. Wake up every day and take the challenge head on and ask yourself, what is best for the kids? If it is best for the kids to receive child support so their needs are met? Then definitely, ask for, hell, demand child support. If you think that you have to receive child support because that is what people do in a divorce, then question your motives and again…what is best for the kids?
I know that there are better, easier days for me and that is what keeps me going. I know one day, my kids won’t be in daycare and that is thousands of dollars a year I won’t have to dish out. I know there will be a day that they will be excited to go see their father and come home telling me what great memories they made with him. That is my end game, that is why I have no intention of fighting over details of what he “owes” me.
Rather, I am setting the tone right off the bat that him and I are parents together, even if we failed at a marriage. We made 3 beautiful humans together and together it is our job to raise them to be complete people. We may no longer fit the mold of a “traditional” family but him and I, will always be my children’s family. I will make sure of it.
I’m wondering if the author has had continued success with her ex. My ex agreed to a similar situation and I felt guilty, assuming he would continue to be cordial with me. When he met his girlfriend, his attitude changed and he no longer wanted to work with me. He has not supported our children financially outside of whatever happens in his home.
I would caution anyone to trust someone when they had an unhealthy relationship to begin with. I would encourage women who are considering a similar situation to protect themselves and their financial situation by including provisions which enforce support and that they not be afraid to file contemp charges in the event their ex decides he doesn’t want to be financially responsible for his children.
(Strange, I tried to post this response to not asking for child support, but it seems to have posted under a different article.)
Hi Jodie,
I plan to write a follow up to this but to answer you directly, I did not have continued success. I am not saying there are divorced parents out there who wouldn’t have success with this– but that is not the case for me. I was in a very unhealthy relationship and you hit the nail right on the head there! When I was young, my parents divorced and always agreed on support outside of the courts. My father gave my Mom money every week but if she ever needed help with anything, he without hesitation- helped. If he came into money, such as he landed a larger contract, he would give her more without ever being asked. I assumed that my ex would co parent in this way, as in help when he could or help with the kids extra curricular activities, antibiotics, co pays, etc. Nope!
So do I believe that there are men out there like this, and some people are mature enough to communicate regarding financial responsibilities regarding the children, absolutely. But like you said, if it wasn’t a healthy relationship to start with-they will be the worst ex. Count on that, proceed with caution, and above all, protect yourself and your kids.
Im still waiting the find my babydaddy, although I gave them many information about him, and also they have more information than I had, nothing yet they do. I’m still working hard, thinking for how long I will be with my mind in good healthy. Ask for child support is the same that don’t ask. THEY DONT HELP SINGLE MOTHERS, and DONT CARE ABOUT HOW MANY EFFORTS YOU ARE DOING! I’m hopeless! Don’t ask for help to the child support system, they don’t help! I have been told by a lady who work on child support that HIM has the right to be served correctly. And he doesn’t want to be served. So make your own conclusion. My big question… and the baby’s rights??
BEWARE OF ANYONE WHO SAYS THEY DONT ASK FOR CHILD SUPPORT. THEY ARE LYING PIECES OF GARBAGE!
JODIE, THE AUTHOR OF THIS POST IS A LYING PIECE OF GARBAGE FYI
This author obviously is a psycho fucking bitch. She is acting like her name is Tanya Maloney, expect her name is Melanie Nemecek. She acts like she is free from people knowing her identity but it catches up to them! Melanie Nemecek is a filthy white white. I knew her back in high school and then she dropped out because no one likes her.