This is the day. The day that changed everything.
One year ago today, after much inquiry on my part as to why you hadn’t been acting like yourself, you looked me in the eye, teeth clenched, our children playing near us in the back yard, and muttered, “I have been unhappy for a very long time. I’ve been asking myself if I have been staying because I want to or because I feel stuck. And lately, the answer has been because I feel stuck.”
I was taken aback; my heart pounding. Time stood still and my emotions froze. In response, I told you that I had been unhappy too and had been trying to express that to you for a while. As hard as it was to have that conversation, I felt relieved and hopeful that we were communicating about it. Finally, a door had opened! We got interrupted and went about the business of eating dinner and getting the kids to bed. I remember being so nervous that I was shaking and had trouble swallowing my food.
As we resumed our conversation a couple of hours later, it quickly became clear you were already in the mindset of divorce, with one foot out the door. When you had learned I was unhappy also, you immediately began planning your exit. Surprised to hear it, I stated unequivocally that I was in the mindset of working on our marriage.
Sadly, it didn’t seem to affect you. Twelve years together, nearly eight of them married, and that one brief conversation meant a permanent split in your mind…despite the fact that we had young kids…despite the fact that you had never expressed your unhappiness previously and that this was an absolute shock to me. I was stunned to realize you had no interest in trying to repair the marriage…a marriage that was founded on love (I will always believe that, despite your skewed view of the past). You just wanted out…as soon as possible.
I found myself questioning reality.
To top it all off, you ended the conversation by leaving to meet her. Your “friend.” The one whom I had been suspicious of for a long time and who later proved to be the real reason (or, at best, the catalyst) behind it all. My heart shattered when you walked out the door.
The moment you dropped the bomb that Tuesday is forever burned in my brain. I still struggle with understanding it all…wondering if I ever knew the “real” you; why you never had the courage all of those years to talk to me and get through to me that you were that miserable. Divorce-level miserable. And for not at least trying to pick up the pieces and work on the marriage with me when we hit rock bottom, rather than throwing in the towel. I felt worthless…unwanted, undesirable, disposable.
But what I have the most trouble understanding is how you could allow a crush to grow so strong that it became more appealing than the idea of fighting for our family. Especially when I immediately began working very seriously on certain aspects of myself about which you had expressed discontent, in the hope that I could save our marriage.
I quickly learned that your crush took absolute priority over me and our kids until you finally admitted three months later that you were “in love” with her. Those feelings had been painfully obvious to me for a very long time, but you had denied them repeatedly. It pains me that you didn’t take our marriage vows as seriously as I did and instead walked down the road of infidelity.
Never in my worst nightmares did I believe that the man I knew and loved would take that route.
Never did I believe you would be dishonest with me, your best friend, confidante, and wife. Not only did it shake me to my core, but that of all our friends (and my family). And now, because of everything that happened, I am very wary when it comes to trusting again. Part of me is afraid to get close to someone again, as much as I crave it.
You have said you didn’t want to hurt me and that’s why you avoided being truthful, but the shock of both of those bombs was more hurtful than anything you could imagine. I hope you will take that knowledge to heart as you enter into future relationships. I wouldn’t wish the pain I experienced on my worst enemy.
So, here we are and your wish has come true. I still think we could have pulled through and been happy together in the end. I would have liked to at least have had the chance to try. Instead, you chose to walk. I think it all boiled down to the fact that you didn’t believe in marriage, you didn’t believe in me, and you didn’t believe in yourself. And the green grass on the other side was far too appealing.
A year later, I’m in a good place. I’ve learned a lot about myself, life, and relationships in this process. I certainly know now what I do and don’t want in a partner and look forward with great hope and anticipation to the day a new person enters my life. I still believe strongly in love and marriage, and I remain an optimist at heart. But no matter how rosy my life becomes, I will always feel some level of sadness and resentment that this is how things ended up…with you…the man I was so sure was “the one.”
This date will never be the same…but I welcome it now as the mark of the end of the worst year of my life and the start of a year filled with new beginnings.
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I hate you went through such an awful situation but, I love your outlook on your future!
I’m so sorry you had to endure such pain and hurt. I admire your strength and optimistic outlook for the future!
So easy to read, yet so incredibly difficult to read all at the same time. I wish you all the best.
I think often leaving is the easy way out for people.
Agreed. Though I wish it weren’t the case.
Thank you for sharing this. Beautifully written.
I appreciate the sentiment, Molly!
Beautifully written. I can literally FEEL your pain while reading your story. I
Thank you, Shannon. It was therapeutic to write, that’s for sure…
Thank you, Shannon. It was therapeutic to write, that’s for sure…
Reading this I felt as if I was reading my own story. It brought all those emotions overflowi g to the surface again. Now, 6 months later, he has happily moved on to a new life minus our son. Yes, he may skype with him once a week, but its not enough for a 4yo and my son has now started to say he doesnt want to talk to him anymore. Its amazing to me how selfish and self centered someone can be and I never chose to see it. Blinded by the love I had for him and our family. It is so much easier to walk away from marriage and your family if you only care about yourself. I still grieve for the loss of our family, but know that I have made huge strides in repairing myself and focusing on my kids since the split. I wont let this break me or change the way I feel about love.
Lisa,
I’m sorry I brought those emotions up, but I think it can be good to feel them now and again. It is certainly mind-blowing how some people can move on so quickly and have no regard for those they left behind (especially kids).
I’m happy to read that you have made such great strides..and that you still believe in love!
Peace,
RB
Robin – You expressed this so well, thank you! This could have been my story, and the feelings you wrote about were exactly those that I felt (and feel). You really nailed it. In my case the relationship was 23 years (19 of them married), the kids were a little older and it’s unfortunately taken me far longer than you to get to a place that I feel I’m thinking about “new beginnings.” Time heals, though, even if it takes a while. Best of luck to you!
You’re welcome, Amy! I can’t imagine how much more hurtful it must have been after 20 years! I agree, time heals, and we all experience it at different rates. The truth is, I may be able to *think* about new beginnings, but following through is a bit different.
Peace,
RB
Wow! This is the EXACT letter that I wish to write to my ex-wife. Seriously, point-for-point right down the line this letter expresses my feelings so elegantly and peacefully. In a weird way, it’s comforting to see that I am not alone in these feelings and situations. In my case, my ex-wife got a boob job, drained the bank accounts, then walked out on her four children (7, 6, 4, and 1) to be with a co-worker. It’s been two years since she left and nearly a year since the divorce was final and I am still working on finding constant happiness. Every person’s road to recovery has different miles and time frames but it gives me strength to know that others have walked it and made out to the other side.
Robin, thank you for this beautiful letter.
You’re welcome, Michael! I’m glad it had a positive effect on you. I’m far from being on the other side, but I am getting closer every day! You may not know it, but you are too.
Peace,
RB
great article. Very heartfelt.
Thank you, Renee!
Your horrible situation is so beautifully written. My friend is going through a divorce right now and she’s the one who sent me the link. I can feel your pain and strength through writing. Best of luck to you in the future.
Thank you for your kind words, Emily. I hope your friends gets through her divorce feeling whole and at peace…eventually.
RB
Robin, again, you and I have so much in common. I stayed many eons too long married to my husband, and really had blinders on over my eyes, but was so in love with him and would do anything he asked of me, which I did.
Taking a step back after my husband walked out, and assessing the “what and who” I was married to, hurt me to no end, because I gave up my life, all in support of his life. The book by Dr. Linda Martinz-Lewi also gave me amazing insight as to the character defect of narcissism, and I know completely my husband is one. Her book “Freeing Yourself From The Narcissist In Your Life” showed me that a marriage between these types of people is not a true union- but a business deal. I was a “supply” that enabled him to be successful yet never respecting me for who I was, belittling me or others. Even my best girl friend would shake her head when my husband would talk to me, but knew she couldn’t dare say anything to me. I alway knew my husband was goal orientated and even arrogant, but didn’t know the real term for him.
Hind-sight is always 20/20, and wished I could have been more aware of who I was, what I wanted or needed, and maybe I would have seen we had outgrown each other. Personalities also matter, and I thought we could fit, with me being an extrovert, and him and introvert. It only works for so long because he sucked up so much of me for himself.
Looking forward to divorcing this sub-human and moving on towards the “other side”, and much happier side of me too.
Thank you again for such an awesome article.
You’re welcome, Deborah. I’m sorry you can relate, but glad reading about my experience helps in some way.
Peace,
RB
To all a poem to heal our broken hearts, and help us to love ourselves once again
Love after Love
A poem by Derek Walcott–
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
Beautiful!
Thank you for sharing.
RB
I feel like I could have written this same exact article. It will be 3 years this upcoming December 5 that my ex just up and walked on me and our son. Hang in there- it does get better. I am a stronger person that I was when he left. I believe one day he will regret his decision. But I am better and I know you will be also
Heather,
It’s nice to hear from someone who is on the other side of it. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but it’s nice to be able to commiserate! I, too, hope my ex will someday regret his decision.
Peace,
RB
It is quite the shock when someone makes up their mind and ignores so much and is unwilling to put things in context. I hurt my exhusband and took way to long to apologize for it. He divorced me for it. I guess I thought that we owed each other enough to take as much time as was necessary. I spent a lot of time rethinking our short conversations and wondering if there were other words that would have made a difference.
Unlike your ex, he didn’t leave us, he emphatically only left me. We are on the other side now. He’s forgiven me and we are friends again. It’s not a necessary step, but we have children, so I’m thankful for it. My mom sees how well we get along and wonders why we are not together. She doesn’t know the details and ignores the obvious. I meet the women he dates and I realize if we met for the first time today, he wouldn’t even notice me. At best I’d get friendzoned.
Very heart felt and introspective! I loved reading this
A friend recommended your article. Scary how similar our situations are. This has been the worst year and like you, I was blind-sided by my husbands decision to cheat on me and leave. He fell from a very high pedestal- no one who knows him saw it coming. He was my best friend and a devoted dad, home often (a musician) and had the freedom to do anything he wanted. This was the last thing I expected. Our daughter was 3 at the time. My world was rocked and I never saw it coming. He was seeing someone I knew behind my back for 3 months before I figured it out.
Our year long separation is coming to an end. I sold my ring and hired an attorney. He sees his daughter when convenient only and is continuing to see the other woman. This year had been hell but I have kept it together for our girl. SHE has gotten me through this, along with my dear friends and family. I do hope it gets easier. I can’t wait for the day that all this sadness and anger disappears. Sounds like you are heading in that direction. That is promising to read.
That’s two of us.
Although this article is quite a few years old, it resonates so much with me. My ex didn’t cheat, but I too was blindsided by how unwilling he was to try to fix some issues we were having, and that he already had pretty much both feet out the door when I asked him to talk so we could work through some problems. 18 years together, 13 married and realizing you mean so little to someone is a horrible feeling. But every day I make a small step forward and I know that I am better off and I deserve better. Here’s to all of us with brighter futures.