I bet you think I am going to tell you to “try new things”. You know what? I’m not. When you have really reached the point of a full-blown sexless marriage “trying new things” is not going to get you positive results. You are going to have to dig deep and make tackling it a priority.
We are so caught up in the fear of judgment, the desire to be accepted, and following guidelines on what marriage should look like that we often forget to try new things and even stretch our comfort zones for the sake of a more fun and loving marriage.
Here are 5 Tips for Those Dealing With a Sexless Relationship or Marriage:
1. Challenge What You Think You Know About Sex
Sometimes trying new things isn’t enough - instead, I suggest completely starting over. Try to remove from your mind what you think you know about both your partner’s desires and your own sexual desires.
You might actually have to take time on your own to figure out exactly what you are missing and what excites you. People’s sexuality evolves over time, if you’ve taken time to focus on your career or your children, you might need time to revisit your body and your sexuality. This is so important and overlooked by so many today. Check out sex positive blogs and other resources for inspiration.
Second, you should challenge yourself to reconsider your partner’s sexuality and desires. What he or she was interested in when your relationship was still young may be completely different now. And there are an infinite number of reasons for this evolution including curiosity, insecurities, or changes in libido. Open the conversation with your partner to talk about things that turn them on, try and cultivate an attitude of non-judgment for the most success.
Giving yourself time to explore sexually and looking at your partner through fresh eyes gives you the opportunity to have a clean slate.
2. Consider What You’re Doing That May Turn Your Partner Off
You know what’s not hot ladies? Being pestered to take out the trash. You know what’s not hot gentlemen? That complacent kiss on the cheek after work. Stereotypical examples – yes – but important nevertheless.
So often we only focus on whatever is turning ME off and forget to look at what we are doing to turn our partners off. Sex is a tango and you are going to have to put yourself in your partner’s position. Consider how you might be making it difficult for them to get in the mood.
Another huge turn off for men and women alike is being told their sex life isn’t fulfilling and demanding or shaming the other person into wanting sex with them. It is such a turn off to shame them or make them feel guilty about the position your relationship is in. It took two to get to this point and it will take two to get out of it.
Be loving, supportive, and most importantly non-judgmental about the subject of sex with your partner every single time.
3. Separate Sex From Routine
As husband and wife you have to pay bills, clean the house, raise children, clean up dog poop, wash dishes, be sick in front of each other, see each other on your worst days, and on and on…
These day-in and day out tasks can really be a buzzkill. Often it leaves you feeling tired, unattractive, and wanting to just wear PJs on the couch.
Take your new sex adventures out of your routine – this could be in time or place. Try a different time of day or set aside time. Rent a hotel, go on vacation, or even find somewhere naughty – but don’t get in trouble! There are so many ways to change this pattern and they look different for everyone. Here are some ideas:
- During a lunch break
- Rent a hotel room
- On a date night
- Something quick before you’re interrupted
- Sending sexy text messages
- Taking naughty pictures for your partner
- Buy a new toy
- Talk dirty
- **Bonus points - totally blow off something to lavish affection on your partner (obviously nothing that will get your fired or in permanent trouble)
Most importantly, have fun. Think about how willing you were to drop everything and rush to your partner on a whim in the beginning. And tell your partner you are trying to spice things up! If they don’t realize what’s going on, these sudden requests might completely throw them off guard – but that could be fun sometimes too. Just don’t be discouraged if they don’t go along with it because they are surprised. Stick with it. Your sex life can be saved.
4. Fake It ‘Til You Make It
This is definitely a cringe-worthy phrase, but honestly, it has worked time and time again for couples. If you want to fix your sexless marriage you are going to have to TRY. This means change everything you’re currently doing: shake up your routine, put other important things on the back burner, and most importantly TRY.
If you don’t feel sexy, do something that will make you feel sexy. If you are usually not in the mood, do something to put yourself in the mood. You might have to actually push through these feelings and even feel like you’re forcing yourself into a mood to crack through them. It can be awkward and it might not be the best feeling in the world, but it just might work.
5. Don’t Expect Your Partner to Read Your Mind
Men are expected to have a stronger sex drive than women, but this is an antiquated idea that is hurting a lot of couples. Men are also expected to have more sexual fantasies, which is also simply not true. Women’s libido often increases with age, as do their fantasies and sexual imagination. Acknowledging this is so important to increasing understanding and helping heal the sex drive of a relationship.
Being open with both the giving and receiving end is the best piece of advice for anyone struggling to relight the sexy fire in their marriage. Now… go do something sexy!