Another September has arrived for me and my children. Another start of a new school year, more back to school nights, and more visible reality that I am no longer married, no longer living in the marital home, and no longer “accepted” by a lot of people. If I could write a “back to school” letter, it would look something like this:
Dear Parents of My Children’s Friends and Teachers Who Will Be Teaching My Kids,
The start of every school year brings a great deal of anxiety for me. It is the annual reminder that I am no longer married and my children are between two households. This time of year brings me back to the very start of our separation.
Why? Because I still seem to encounter so many people who view divorce as “bad” and “wrong”. The “how could you do that to your children?” attitude still runs rampant, that is why. I would like to take this time to remind you all that there are a few things you could do to alleviate my anxiety.
1. When I see you at any back to school night or school function (even if you are sitting next to my ex-husband) it is perfectly OK to say “hello” to me in the hallway. After all, I have known many of you since my kids started kindergarten.
2. You can stop asking me (with the pretend look of surprise on your face) “where are you living?” By now you know my ex husband has the marital home and I do not.
3. Teachers it is possible to have TWO email addresses, TWO telephone numbers, TWO home addresses!! And you should contact each parent and treat them equally. I love how so many past teachers email my ex-husband and assume I will also get the message. Just because my ex husband is living in the marital home it does NOT mean my home is less important. I am the mother!!
4. Stop picking sides. This always amazes me since no one really knew about my marriage except me and my ex. I moved out. I am renting an apartment near by. For a lot of people I know that equaled abandonment of my kids and being selfish. I am neither selfish nor did I abandon my kids!
5. Do not assume since I am divorced and working (and I worked when married also) that I can no longer volunteer at school. The type and quality of mother I am has not changed! I still love my children and I want to be involved in all their activities.
6. And finally, try not to judge me anymore. It really is hell. My first year of separation felt like I had lost every friend I had. If I had been given a quarter for every time one of you said to me, “why can’t you wait until your youngest graduates high school?” or “do you know what you are doing to your children???” I would now have college funds set aside for my children.
Soon I will be attending those upcoming back to school nights. I am working on approaching it with a positive spirit and open heart. I will diligently write my name, email, address, and phone number and make sure that it is understood there are two households again this year. I will still smile at all the parents I have known for years and who pretend not to know me anymore. I will try and rise above the judgements and smile.
Sincerely,
Divorced but Loving Mom
First off, cut youself some slack. Think of it as being at your first school dance worrying that everybody is stairing at your dress. Your doing fine and they are not judging you. They have their own insecurities to worry about. They know that there’s a 50% divorce rate and if anything, they are “whistling past the grave yard”, worrried about what their future holds for themselves. If they say something hurtful, trust me, it is really just being clumbsy.
Know that nobody has a copy of your custody agreement. Tell inquireing minds that “It’s painful for all of you, but you both still their parents and are trying to do the best you can for the kids”. If you have joint legal custody then confidently tell them “I moved out, sombody had to, but we share custody. I felt it was better to minimize the conflict than fight for the house”.
Schools can be kind of a pain. These days, with the miriad of family arrangements, they should be experts at it, but sometimes they do disapoint. I have the opposite problem. I’m Dad with sole custody and they constantly contact my ex-wife. I had a school nurse lecture me that my ex and I need to “communicate better” once. She ignored the contact info that clearly said contact me first, second, my mother third, and then mom (she had supervised visitation at the time and couldn’t legally drive). She contacted mom, who was unavailable (dead cell phone), and our daughter sat in the nurses office for two hours until her teacher checked on her and called me. I live and work 1.2 miles away! The only thing that helped was sitting down with each teacher to explain the situation. Half of them are divorced too, they’ll get it. Don’t do it at the meet the teacher day. Too much going on. Make an appointment. You might not need it, but I always brought my divorce agreement incase they didn’t understand or my ex had told them something different. it also pays to know what your school’s policys are (probably on line) and what your local laws are. Most states now grant all parents, regardless of custodial status, access to the student’s records.
I know you can’t imagine it right now, and maybe it will never happen, but if you can, consider going to these events with your exhusband. United front and all. Again only if you can. A lot of divorced parents do. I started that this year with my exwife. It was a bit uncomfortable, but everyone behaved. At meet your teacher (where we go from class to class, following the students schedule), you end up in the same room anyway. As an interesting side effect, it might also help you with those who felt they had to choose a side. If you two can go to school together, maybe it is safe for them to be friends with both of you. Don’t expect miracles, but it might help.
As far as the mommy wars, I think the best approach is to get on a committee with the PTA (or equivalent in your area). They are dominated by stay at home moms, but in they end, they really do appreciate help that they can count on. Go to the general PTA meeting, introduce yourself the committee chair that you are most intersted in helping out on (or volunteer to be the chair and set your own agenda), and then follow up directly (don’t wait for a call). If there’s a room mom, contact her directly about helping. Our schools all have a Advisory Council, that have parents and teachers and administrators worrying about the bigger picture things. They are usually desparate for members, typically meet at Dad friendly times, and while the principal likes that there are bake sales, she really appreciates the AC checking some of her regulatory boxes and doing things like getting a grant for new computers. Usually two hours a month and some work away from school, which is great for working parents. On the plus side, since I started being on the AC, my kids have consistanly gotten the best teachers.
On the email front, setup a family email account that you both can access and make sure that all of the school contact stuff use that email address. It’s easy to setup on my internet carrier, but if not, just open a gmail account. It’s free and also has a calendar application. The account can be checked from multiple devices and easy to have your devices check that account in addition to your regular email address.