“Take care of yourself.” This disarmingly simple statement is what other divorced women prescribed over and over again in those early days, and all the days in between. And, um, even now. These four words have circled around to pick me up again and again when I was too low to scrape off the floor.
That said. I must give full disclosure and add that my first reaction upon hearing this advice—even when I give it to myself—is irritation. Even if my best friend in the big wide world says this this to me and I plainly hear the love in her voice and feel the profound gratitude I have for knowing such a true-blue person as the one who just offered this very good advice, there is a part of me that just wants to roll my eyes.
I mean, why should I have yet another thing I am supposed to do when I already feel the weight of the world? How can I possibly take care of myself when all I have the energy to do is to crawl under a rock and die? Sure, other people can afford to take naps, go to spas, go on safari, buy random stuff, redecorate, take workshops, and go to Spain for a month. But. Not. Me. Ergo, I can’t take care of myself. So there. Stop telling me to do something stupid that only lucky people who aren’t me can do.
This would be my thinking on a really bad day. Most importantly, this would be my feeling on a really bad day. On a bad day, and in the beginning all days seemed bad, I felt so behind the eight ball that I could not imagine anything else.
At first.
As I sat in a heap in that space between my old life and my new life, some of my friends (bless ‘em) were able to take themselves on exotic trips to jumpstart the healing process. And, quite honestly, I vicariously enjoyed hearing about all the fabulous ways other women were taking their lives back.
Honestly!
Through their victories I felt victories if any kind were possible, even my own, someday. So, being surrounded by women who were trying, women who were figuring it out, this was good for me. It would have been much harder for me to figure it out if I had been surrounded by women who were nottrying and who were not invested in pulling themselves up by the scruff of the neck, with love.
Just in case you are like me and have a tendency to think all this “caring for yourself” is beyond your reach in whatever stage you are in, allow me to walk you through how I managed (or did not manage) to apply this advice in my very real life.
Here is how the self-care went down for me:
Phase One: The Shock of a Pending Separation
Self-care step #1: Cry.
Self-care step #2: Cry to a therapist.
Self-care step #3: Cry to friends and family.
Self-care step #4: Try to get a grip for at least a few minutes a day so as to function at a basic level.
Phase Two: Separation
Self-care step #1: Cry, it’s fine, it’s a way of life in this phase. Wear waterproof mascara.
Self-care step #2: Drag self to Meet-up group of divorced women and share stories. Laugh.
Self-care step #3: Get certified as paralegal so as to feel teensy bit more empowered when facing the worst job market since The Great Depression.
Self-care step #4: Drink more than usual (but not too much because that would be bad).
Self-care step #5: Lean heavily on friends and family for emotional support.
Phase Three: A Single, Working Mother of Three Teens
Self-care step #1: Lean heavily on friends and family for emotional support because there is no time for therapy.
Self-care step #2: Still drinking more than usual because there is no time for crying or therapy (again, not too much because that would be bad).
Self-care #3: Regular exercise routine miraculously morphs into iron-clad daily habit. Hooray.
Self-care #4: It is okay now to get an occasional massage or pedicure. Whew. This is heaven.
Self-care #5: The world of online dating. Hmmm. Does this count? ‘Cause it isn’t always as fun as the massage or the drinking. In the end, yes, I suppose it belongs here because, hey, we have to begin somewhere.
Self-care #6: Allow others to help and try not to feel guilty.
Self-care#7: Practice letting go of guilt. This is, indeed, a daily practice and very good for the self.
Phase Four: The Very Late-in-the-Game Divorce and Subsequent Re-Shuffling of Custody Just When Oldest Goes Off to College
Self-care step #1: Cry, but not as much. It is a different kind of crying. Doesn’t last long.
Self-care step #2: Lean heavily on friends and family.
Self-care step #3: Drinking becomes memory. So does appetite, therefore juice machine gets dusted off and it’s now juice for b’fast, lunch and dinner.
Self-care step #3: Rigorous daily exercise and back to the yoga mat. Hooray, I’d missed yoga.
Self-care step #4: Daily meditation.
Self-care step #5: It is okay to take time for self. I make conscious decision to stop working for a little while…with no safety net. It’s only for certain people, but it may have changed my life, in a good way.
Self-care step #6: Read daunting stack of self-help books (Martha Beck, Cheryl Richardson, Tara Brach, to name a few favorite gurus).
Self-care step #7: Try each day to remember at least one or two of the things the self-help gurus said and put into practice. Maybe remember just one. It still works, I find.
Self-care step #8: This is another article and involves new slant on “dating.” For now, let’s just leave it at that and say, “new slant on dating.”
Well, that’s it. My list is not as exciting as some self-care lists may be. There are no exotic trips or long, spa-like retreats or self-oriented seminars in serene locations. There is no sporty car or new house overlooking the ocean. There is no instant new relationship that erases all memory of the past.
All I have is the above. Yet, somehow, all of this has helped and, as I tell anyone willing to listen, I feel the best I have ever felt in my life. No lie. I feel great! And you can, too, with a little, consistent self-care. Remember, it’s not what you do, so much, as that you do it at all.
This is an amazing article for me to read as it perfectly illustrates what my experience was in my marriage. So good to read this for validation! Thank you so much!
I’m glad it was validating for you, Sharon. The worst thing for me in this whole experience was the way the community reacted. It’s always helpful for me, too, to hear that there are other women like me out there.
Best,
Dame Yankee
Thank you so much for writing this article. After 25 years of marriage, I filed for divorce to escape the clutches of a controlling narcissist. I cried when I saw, “no one would believe you.” I said that exact same thing numerous times. And no one believed me…until after I filed for divorce and he moved out. Once I stopped all communication, he had to go to family members to try and find someone else to manipulate. His true nature started to show through when family members started comparing notes. I no longer feel as though I’m losing my mind. Thank you, again.
Same here! Divorced my husband after 22 years. He too is NPD, diagnosed. Never told me, found out the hard way. First daughter going to University Sept. second daughter 2 more years in high school.
I am happier alone than being married and very alone.
True that no one believes me, but that’s because, they too have allowed the narcissism. They just sat there and watched his behaviour towards me. Complete disrespect, and humiliation. I was never important. Just someone to take care of all his needs. His supply was abusing me verbally, mentally, emotionally, financially, and at one point physically, when I was seven and a half months pregnant with our first daughter.
He had denied everything I told him I felt and gaslit me constantly.
Thank you for sharing this. It can be very lonely dealing with a narcissist, and frustrating beyond belief. I am concerned that my children are learning to mimick this behaviour, which is probably the worst part.
Thanks for a great article. After 25 years of being married to a narcissist it was incredibly difficult to “find my voice”. It is sad to realize at 51 years old that I never experienced real love. The love a narcissist was based on loving him and he was in love the idea of love and the show of romance. I often felt he was replaying something he saw in a movie and not real life. When I didn’t go along or there was a distance between us based on his verbal abuse he called me cold, always making feel there was something wrong with me. It’s so helpful to see I am not alone in this.
I got out after 22 years Amy and I feel just the same about realising I’d never had real love, that really knocks you for six. You’re really not alone in this.
Thank you for succinctly summing up my experience. I thought my soon to be ex husband was passive aggressive but feel convinced that he is narcisitic too. A major source of pain for me is once the relationship was officially over his relief was tangible. He appeared to carry no emotional scars as he didn’t emotionally invest in the relationship. He managed to start dateing a mum at the school who happened to be friends with mutual friends. I still feel betrayed by my community. I did not have the energy to defend my position to these friends. I left all the friends to him and can’t stand still living in a small community with him and them. But of there’s the kids to think about and he knows it. Has anyone successfully moved away from there narcisitic ex? My girls are 8 and 11, do you think he will tire of his parenting Responsibilites when they’re teens? I live in the hope that he will and really don’t know how I will manage if he doesn’t. I’m trying to move on with my life and am happier without him, scars and all, but I worry daily about the effect he’s having on my kids development. Which gets in the way of my relationship with them. Arghhh!
Hi, Jus.
I don’t have time to post much anymore, but I read your comment, and it really resonated with me, so I wanted to respond directly. My daughter is 11 now. She still loves her dad, but she is starting to see that he blames other people for everything, lies out of convenience, spends his money on everything but her (he went from spoiling her outrageously to having nothing for her almost overnight), and isn’t there for her emotionally. My life with her is much easier now that she can see these things. She has picked up some narcissistic traits, but she does have empathy. I think she will be okay.
You just need to stay present for your kids. They will figure it out. People used to tell me that, and I didn’t believe them, but it has been my experience. It just takes time. You have two girls, so maybe you’ll have it harder with his favorite (if he’s a narcissist, he favors one), but if you parent them compassionately, they will be okay.
As for your experience in the community. . . Yup. Been there. My ex befriended all the people who were my friends (or their husbands), so I was left with no one. Only someone divorcing a narcissist can understand this kind of betrayal. Some people have come around with time. And others believe me. At the time of the divorce, only my parents and best friend believed me. That was hard.
Hang in there. You’re definitely not alone.
I can see why your therapist advised you to go along with who he pretends to be. I have had to bend to the point of breaking so that my narcissist ex can ‘be comfortable.’ We have heard the saying- If mama aint happy, nobody’s happy.’ Well, if ‘nacissist’ aint’ happy, nobody’s happy.’ Seriously! I catered to my ex for years. He paid $100 per mo child support for two kids. I agreed to this just to get rid of him! After 6 years, the county stepped in and raised the support to $800. I thought .. finally!! Well, he got a lawyer, began fighting for custody of one of our two kids (the favoritism thing). I watched this man lie about his investment in our kids, refusing to ever have them on the weekend, slander me over and over. Being around him makes me feel ill. He plays such a good game that MOST people believe him. People do what is easiest! I look like the nutball bc I don’t play games, keep up an image and lie to everyone. I have complained to others just simply due to exhaustion and hoping someone would understand. Nope. No one cares. The only people who understand are those who have been through it. I am broke due to him fighting me in court (and having a lawyer who seemed to be from the good ole boys club) raising kids alone and working. I KNOW that if I pretend he is who he says he is… life would be easier. It just makes to ill to live a lie. I am not sure I can do it. If you can, God bless you. I understand completely.
Nancy, how are you doing now? Were you also able to pretend he is a good person?
My ex is a passive aggressive, narcissist. Ughhh. What a long road it has been! He is not an invested parent since parenting requires effort toward another person. The only things he invests in are things that HE benefits from in some way. I am exhausted from taking care of our two kids (one special needs) but it has been worth it to minimize his influence in their lives. God bless you! You are not alone in this!
Thank you for the article, my road to divorcing a narcissist is just beginning after he walked out on myself and my three young children(ages 9,8 and 6). Manipulates with money(hasn’t supported in 10 months and is actually in contempt of court for support) and worst of all manipulates and uses the children. He has always been an absent parent, but finds ways now to use the children to hurt me since he now realizes that I have absolutely no empathy or feelings for him anymore. My biggest worry is his impact on the children and that they don’t emulate his narcissistic ways, unfortunately I see traits in my youngest, our 6 year old daughter. It feels good to know I am not crazy or the bad person he has tried to make me feel like and luckily, unlike your situation, he has let others see his controlling, narcissistic ways so much so that he has had to find a new group of friends in a different county because everyone in our old life has seen him “go crazy” with this mental problem. Thanks for sharing and giving some good advice as to how to deal with this kind of person.
This article, after 6 paragraphs, the core of the article finally emerged. However, and after being involved with a narcissist for 10 years, if you are embroiled in a divorce, have your LAWYER communicate with your soon-to-be-ex’s LAWYER. Do not attempt to “act like my ex was the same nice guy he had always pretended to be….” Narcissists will manipulate you to get what they want. Your aim is to have them as far in your rear-view mirror as possible. To do that, have NO CONTACT with them…period. Get them out of yoyur life; they will, even when divorcing, try to suck your soul from you.
Hi Phil, dealing with the same situation. Narc is the custodial parent now, the worst nightmare coming true. How’re you holding up?
Has anyone experienced Parental Alienation insitgated by a narcissitic ex? I am waiting for my divorce to be finalised and my house to sell, only then can I move away from my ex. I have no parents and worry that if I leave our family home, my ex will delay or avoid the sale of the house. I have too much equity in the property to walk away. I see my children, aged 11 and 9, becoming more distant from me each day. I have assured them I love them conditionally but thay are chosing to spend all fo their time with their Dad and can hardly bring themselves to speak to me.
Hi Phil, dealing with the same situation. Narc is the custodial parent now, the worst nightmare coming true. How’re you holding up?
I am sorry, I don’t believe that it is a strategy that works if the Narcissist is the custodial parent. The children will learn that your ex’s behavior is okay and will start showing traits of narcissism of their own as they get older. Unfortunately I don’t have an answer for what will work. I know, from my own experience now that my children are teenagers, that “pretending” like everything is okay is a recipe for disaster for them.
The main reason I am here is to see from other peoples experience if they did anything that worked, since I am at my wits end.
Definitions made up by women, American women that is!
This was my ex. I wish this worked but mine was going to be reasonable and that is what he made everyone think and I went to the lawyer and laid everything out the way he said. I paid the fees it was a trick to cost me more. He always had an excuse to react vindictively. They don’t believe you should have anything. I lost everything I had saved for years while he was blowing money. The only way to come out ahead is to be sneaky and get it before the divorce
You’re absolutely right about playing into their charm. You’re also right about it being literally the hardest thing to do. Makes me sick to my stomach to think about it. But, I have to do it to get this divorce done.
What are your words of wisdom in trying to motivate a narc ex to finalize when I’ve made the mistake of asking, no begging for it for almost 2 years now?
I know he would crumble in court, do I just push for a court date knowing he’ll retaliate through the boys, or do I just sit & wait for him to get bored enough of not getting any reaction from me?
Unfortunately he knows I have met an amazing man who is truly the love of my life. My 7 year old told me recently, “Mom, Dad’s never going to sign the paper to get divorced.” When I asked why, he said, “Because he doesn’t want you to be able to marry Dave. You know that, right?” SEVEN years old. What the heck do I do with that?!?
you have described my husband. One whom I have decided a divorce is necessary in order to keep my sanity. Now the steps I take next, must me calculating. I hate how I feel I must tiptoe around his ego. But I will. I want the smoothest transition possible for my 3 children, Even though I feel like I’m fooling myself for being so optimistic. thank you for this painstakingly relatable post.
This advice isn’t always true; my ex decided from get go he was leaving me for a sleeze. He was determined to threaten and harass me till i moved out of our house cause i was afraid he was going to hurt me and the kids. He told our kids he was keeping all our marital assets and getting full custody of the kids. I was a stay at home mom, i got a job after i moved enrolled them in school got them healthcare. I also got 70 percent temp custody cause i didnt let him push me around. I have documented everything he has done. Do not agree with them, because their mission is to get what they want and they dont care what they have to do to get it. Just document everything- your playing a game and their is no winning or losing. But some outcomes are better than others. Playing nice i would be in a cardboard box and our children would be emotionally abused 24/7 by this person.
Don’t fool yourself in to beliving its going better by agreeing! Prove yourself the better parent and dont cave, cause their trying to destroy you to win whatever it is they want.
My heart hurt to read all of these posts. We have all been living in silence for so many years too embarrassed to say how we’re really treated behind closed doors. Then over time the pot boils over and you come to realize the person you thought you loved was never really that person it was an imposter. You live in a house with Dr. Jeckly Mr. Hyde the man behind the mask…
Don’t cave in fight for your own sanity narcissists will stop at nothing for their own personal gains. Within the last few years I stumbled upon Narcissm traits when I was trying to research why my husband would do the things he did without remorse…Tit for Tat games turning things around “mirroring” I started documenting all the crazy things my husband has done (when I read it II find myself in tears and think if I heard a man was doing this to one of my friends I would help her leave the monster) to me including making me take my wedding ring off when I went to work in the beginning of our marriage to make me feel humiliated if people at work asked me where it was. To yelling at me to shut up in front of our kids or he’ll deduct $100 from my paycheck (crazy) if I say one more angry word to alienating the kids from me when I have had enough and fight back. I look like the crazy one because he’s so manipulative with the children that now my son recently called me a psychopath and is showing signs of my husbands traits “entitlement”. Each time I have tried to leave our 30 year relationship and was ready to put a deposit on a home my husband would beg, cry and say all the right things and that he knows he was wrong and promises to change (blah blah blah…) Then the honeymoon begins if I take him back he is all over me begging for affection almost to where I feel remorse and pressure when I am not emotionally recovered from the last cycle of emotional games he put me through. It takes about three to five months then he seeps back into his normal selfish ways. He undermines my decisions with our kids, engages our 14 and 16 year old into our fights. Has even engaged my daughters friend who stayed over for a sleepover into our argument! He charms the neighbors and anyone who he comes into contact with hes’ very successful and OCD and driven. Oh and he was also tape recording our fights constantly… I can’t tell you how many people tell me how lucky I am because my husband is soooo nice and successful yes he charms even the best! I used to smile and agree with people who inquired if he was always that nice..now they can see in my eyes theres more to it… But trust me when I say “it is NEVER enough with a narcissist he will rape your soul and turn your optimistic kind self into a bitter unhappy wife/life. I am in the processing of researching all I can and am planning to leave him soon. He recently told his mother who gave me a $10,000 check for xmas that I wasn’t going to deposit it so she stopped payment on it – or so that’s the story he told her and she’s sticking too. She too is very manipulative and he’s the golden child. t thought I could wait it out for 3 more years until the 14 year old was in college. Honestly, right now I think the kids would prefer we not be living in the same house as this affects them which breaks my heart to no end. I honestly feel like at the root of why I stayed all these years was to protect my children from the man who believes in no rules and makes his own. That’s another story his safety vs mine I am always called Nervous Nelly. While I would call his safety insight with our kids non-existent and unsafe in activities. Its an uphill battle just trying to keep my own interests and to find happiness in other areas of my life. I have anxiety now that I didn’t have before I was with him of course he brushes that off as my hormones. I have been in a crazy marriage too long no one should have the right to make you feel or live this way. If I made a board game I could fill the whole path with the horrible games and baggage he’s done and caused throughout our 30 years together. I say its time for this butterfly to fly. God bless each of you they always say behind every strong man stands a strong woman!