I guess my battle cry for women going through divorce and separation is to stop the name calling and hate towards the “other woman” and turn that energy into why your marriage failed.
When I separated from my now ex-husband I remember a very good friend of mine telling me to be prepared and that people feel the need to take sides. And my good friend was right, people did seem to take sides. At that time, I was in too much turmoil and financial instability to think much about why people, who were on the outside of our relationship, would freely judge me and decide who was “right” in the marriage and during the separation.
I felt like a failure. I felt like I failed my husband and my children. I had an affair in the last two years of my marriage. Long before I had the affair I had an unstable and unloving relationship with my husband; a person I had tried to love for 17 years to no avail.
As I write this, I can just imagine women saying, “Just leave the marriage! Why even cheat? If you are that unhappy, get out!”
As a stronger person now I would say right back at them, “Why did you not leave your marriage? Why did you stay with someone who was abusive or lazy or cheated on you?” We both probably stayed for the same reasons; our children and trying to hold onto a sense of family for our children.
Only in this past year have I even told others that I had an affair. Mainly because I remember when I first separated and I was looking for some support and advice and could find nothing. There was no article, no website, no anything that talked about someone like me; a good mother, an educated person, caring and compassionate who cheated on her husband. There was plenty written about men who cheat and abandon their families but nothing about a mother who cheated and was trying hard to keep her family happy and together after she left the husband.
***
Since joining an online divorce support group I feel the need to discuss infidelity from my viewpoint. I guess I find myself a little incredulous that so many women either divorced or in the process of divorce are brimming with anger towards the “other woman”. I am not saying they are not just as pissed off at their soon to be ex-husbands but there is vile hate towards the other woman.
Maybe it is easier to hate on the woman than to really look at the reasons why the marriage went off into the ditch in the first place. Unless the other spouse is an alcoholic, drug dependent, an abuser, etc., most marriages fail because of the actions, or lack of actions, of both people.
Insert cries of: “Well then just divorce them! Don’t go have an affair!” In a perfect world comes perfect decisions. In my imperfect world of depression, chronic illness, and death of my mother on top of a dysfunctional, loveless, and crappy marriage comes imperfect decisions like adultery. “Well, that is all an excuse. There is NEVER an excuse for an affair!” Some of the woman in my divorce group type over and over again. “No,” I tell people, “these are not excuses but rather explanations of why it happened. Loneliness, depression, anxiety, a spouse telling you that everything wrong under the sun is your fault all take a huge emotional toll on a person,”
Does it matter what the reasons are behind someone having an affair? I think it does. If the cheater and the one cheated on do not give a hard look at those reasons then the healing can not start and the next relationship is doomed before it begins.
***
I guess my battle cry for women going through divorce and separation is to stop the name calling and hate towards the “other woman” and turn that energy into why your marriage failed. I know my marriage essentially failed because my husband gave up a long time before I had the affair. He gave up on sex, he gave up on talking to me, he gave up helping to maintain our household, and he gave up on being a father and it left me as a lonely, overwhelmed, and depressed person. Enter another guy who thinks I am pretty and interesting- and wham! My judgment went out the window that was left open by my ex years earlier.
If I had better self-esteem, stronger self-image, healthier thoughts I would not have cheated. That is my goal today; to never get that low again, to never de-value myself like that again, to never accept less than what I need and deserve in a partner.
An affair is very painful for everyone. I think that the road to healing is better paved with introspection than outward hate, but that is just my opinion.
Terrible article. Besides being poorly thought out and written, this is just a huge transfer of guilt. How insulting and infuriating. Own it, walk away wiser, and stop whining. You caused a lot of hurt. The “good mother” part was really terrible. I wish I could un-read this.
I thought for someone who isn’t a professional writer that it wasn’t badly written. To criticize that is just being mean spirited. I do, however think that her thinking on the matter is an attempt to assuage her own guilt and shift the blame. And she does that in a passive aggressive way. Almost as if she is attempting to gaslight the reader into believing the sky is purple instead of blue. I doubt seriously she is capable of taking responsibility for her own bad behavior.
Hi Amanda:
I don’t know what “gas lighting” means, I am guessing it is another term people are throwing around like my ex is a “narcissist”. This article is a personal account—there is nothing passive or aggressive about it. It is an explanation about why my affair happened. I do not sugar coat anything or try and get people to feel sorry for me. I know there are other women out there who have done similar things and it is important to me that they know that no choice is worth killing yourself over, that people will prefer to hate you rather than understand why their own marriages failed, and you can change and move on. I took responsibility..I said I felt like I failed my husband and my children. and I did feel that way for a very long time.
Teresa, I just want to say I understand where you are coming from. I’m a man, married more than once, have been the cheater, and the one cheated on. I will and have always said that no one knows the future enough to understand that these situations can happen anytime to anyone. A lot of people like to judge and interject the moral value and self respect card… but no matter your moral or ethical character, everyone stumbles. No, the situation never comes out smelling like roses, and yes people get hurt…but lessons are learned and in most cases there is growth and healthier people as a result. If anyone has seen the movie Bridges of Madison County, this illustrates how a wife and mother experiences this and in the end, her children both learn a different lesson about life. Every single person experiences life a different way. Thank you for your story and your honesty. I found it refreshing and helpful.
@ Amanda: “Mean spirited, what are you? 8 years-old? Excuse me but F your feelings! Heidi is spot on, not only a bad article but the insinuations behind it are horrible. The writer (woman) is a cunnign whore (just like most women are and just like that woman who is accusing Supreme Court Nominee Judge B. Kavanaugh. There are settle clues that her husband had to shut himself off ! That was the time to reach out to help him and see him things under perhaps different light, appreciate, respect and support him no matter what. Loneliness is no excuse to cheat on one’s husband. We need to work together and educate young children against selfish entitlement values. I hope she gets worse.
Hi Heidi:
I think I did “own it” I said, quite frankly, I felt like a failure –that I failed my husband and my kids. I think I did walk away..we are divorced. And I think I am wiser..near the end I point out that I will never de-value myself again like that. It was a series of things, internal and external, that led to this affair. I am a very good mother contrary to what you think.
Wrong!! Sorry, but I went through a horrific, dreadful, crappy marriage, and even though the opportunity presented itself for me to cheat, I did not, could not, would not. I was miserable, chronically depressed, and terribly lonely. I was scorned, ridiculed, emotionally neglected and worse by my husband. Still didn’t cheat. However, he DID cheat. I know I bear responsibility for the downfall of my marriage and i have spent the 18 months working on that and working on myself– healing & getting healthy. There’s been a lot of anger, towards myself, a vast amount towards him, and a good deal towards the “other woman”. I have every right to be angry at her & how dare you imply that I don’t!! No matter how bad things are cheating is a CHOICE by both parties.
Hi Elli
I never implied you did have a reason to be angry at anyone! This article was a personal story that I decided to tell. I just think it is interesting that many women choose to spend all the energy on hating the woman their spouse cheated with–usually hating her way more than hating the spouse. I also think “cheating” can take on many forms not just sex and there are a lot of women who are not out there having sex outside of their marriage but have male “friends” co-workers, “work husbands” etc….where there is a strong emotional connection that stops just short of sex but somehow that is ok with them.
I was in a loveless, sexless marriage for nearly 30 years. The last ten we weren’t even friends. But one thing of which I am proud is that I didn’t have an affair. And the reason was that I knew it was not going to fix my marriage, and for me it would have been another burden on top of other problems in my life. I waited until my youngest was 16 to pull the plug. I will probably never have another partner, but I what I have instead is my self-respect. Both my former mother-in-law and and father-in-law had affairs and believe me, the stories of those have been repeated down through the family for the past 50 years. Having an affair was not something I wanted my children and grandchildren to remember about me.
Doreen, Making the decision to not having an affair says a lot about your character. I too was in the Same type of marriage for 30 years. I’ve been divorced now for two months and I am glad that even though I didn’t file for divorce, I stood my ground and once I learned about all of her cheating over the years with multiple(10) different men I pushed to end a marriage I worked hard to maintain. She, I feel will never be truly happy no matter how many men she finds. My children are now seeing the truth from a mother they thought was perfect and would never do such atrocities. I guess it’s karmas way and that makes me happy!
I understand how alone and miserable you were in your marriage, but cheating brought it to another level. I was married to a similar man you described, but the one thing I kept thinking was: I did not want my constantly angry ex to have anything to hold over my head to my children. Of course I thought of cheating, could of cheated, but I didn’t. Being in a miserable marriage for many years is not easy, but being able to hold your head high knowing your children woll not blame infidelity on the divorce is truly priceless. And when a spouse cheats, it hurts profoundly and there is good reason to be angry at the “other woman” as well as the spouse. Everyone has a responsibility in the demise of a marriage, husband, wife and cheating partner. Let’s face it, nothing good comes out of infidelity, and many marriages cannot get past it. Ultimately it is the spouse who cheated, but the person willing to get involved in that triangle does and should bear part of the burden.
Hi Christine:
It is great that your could rise above your bad marriage and not cheat..unfortunately I was very depressed, suicidal, had just lost my mother and was not in a very good frame of mind at all. I thought of killing myself on a daily basis. My decision to cheat hurt everyone but I also know that I was at my lowest point in my life and in my marriage. I guess you are a better person than me.
I don’t even know you, but I admire you for your decision not to cheat. This post brought tears to my eyes because I was not strong enough to hold my head up high and set a good example for my daughter. My mother had an affair on my father and I swore to myself I would never do what she had done… but I did exactly that. It is very sad. There are no excuses and it is very unfortunate.
Explanation = Excuse = Rationalization
Cheating is an unilateral choice.
Yeah-Pretty much this!
Blah blah blah
You spend a lot of time telling us what a terrible husband you had. Did you ever consider what it must have been like for him to be married to someone who doesn’t love him and only loves herself? It’s a very sad, lonely life…
Hi Steven:
I guess you skipped over the parts of the article whereI called myself a failure, anxious, ,depressed…
I guess you missed the part where you didn’t answer my question about what it must have been like for him to be married to somebody who’s so self-absorbed she makes every question about her. There were two people in your marriage…
There is no justification for being a whore….why write an article about the fact that you were a coward, a liar and a whore? It is absurd, I hope karma gives all you deserve.
thank you for writing this! I was in the same situation. I was always put down emotionally. I was the only one that cared for our kids. I cheated and divorced after. But since we are not men obviously we are horrible mothers and just bad people as the comments like to portray! I am proud of you for writing this article. I also have vowed to myself that I will give myself more self worth so that I don’t repeat the past.
im confused… You are allowed to process your pain and hurt through having an affair but you feel the need/ right to tell those of us, the victims of the selfish act of cheating , how to process our pain? Thanks, but I don’t think I’ll be taking marital advice from the party who broke their vows.
STILL spinning this to justify your poor choices. “once a loser who checked out of his family and did nothing for years–always a loser.” …….right there. Your excuse. Your justification. your inability to STILL own your actions. No, you didn’t say it, but it is obviously in the back of your mind.
You have no idea what impact your choice has made on your kids. Let me know if you want to see what this story looks like 14 years later. Then tell me how YOU can move past your infidelity because your children will never quite share in your guilt free freedom.They will carry the burden of YOUR choice and the exhaustion, heartache and work of living between two homes.
Please stop.
You aren’t really “helping” anyone. You are still being selfish. You are trying too hard to make this right in your mind…..
Just say “sorry” and then live a life of amends. ACTIONS speak louder than words.
STILL spinning this to justify your poor choices. “once a loser who checked out of his family and did nothing for years–always a loser.” …….right there. Your excuse. Your justification. your inability to STILL own your actions. No, you didn’t say it, but it is obviously in the back of your mind.
You have no idea what impact your choice has made on your kids. Let me know if you want to see what this story looks like 14 years later. Then tell me how YOU can move past your infidelity because your children will never quite share in your guilt free freedom.They will carry the burden of YOUR choice and the exhaustion, heartache and work of living between two homes.
Please stop.
You aren’t really “helping” anyone. You are still being selfish. You are trying too hard to make this right in your mind…..
Just say “sorry” and then live a life of amends. ACTIONS speak louder than words.
Thank you for comments but you are wrong I have said sorry and live my life differently. These articles are written for others who have made bad decisions and are trying to deal with it. Thankfully you are one of the few who has never made a mistake. Maybe some other article might be more helpful to you
The divorce was going to happen whether you cheated or not. Teresa, don’t feel guilty, don’t apologize to anyone for your choices or decisions. These are the kind of people like an ex that refuses to acknowledge their very big role in the breakdown of the marriage and instead sends you, the hurting partner, on a guilt trip for reacting as you did because they refused to do the right thing by their marriage. They prefer to blame and hate on the other woman or man instead of accepting that their marriage was over anyways, and that they had destroyed it on their own long before the other woman or man came into the picture. .
Thank you for this article. I understand what you’ve gone through and what you’re trying to say with this article. I was in an abusive marriage for over a decade and instead of walking out on him I always had excuses why I would wait to divorce. I thought I would wait until my stepdaughter graduated HS and moved out, wait until my youngest started kindergarten etc. I thought if I kept waiting he would eventually change but he never did. However it put me in a very bad place emotionally and I became too close to a friend and I made a horrible decision. I can look back and see why I made that decision. I can see how I clutched onto any tidbit of kindness. It was pathetic how susceptible I was. There is absolutely no excuse for having an affair and I deeply regret it but it was the catalyst of getting out of my marriage. I wish I had been strong enough to end my marriage before I did something so wrong but I wasn’t. All I can do is fix myself so I don’t end up in such a dysfunctional relationship again. Most divorces are a result of both sides failing. A few are heavily caused by one persons actions. I lived my marriage trying to be the most submissive, happy and easiest wife possible and then I lost it for the last few months. I really wish I had put myself in therapy before all this but I cant change the past. There are people who have cheated who deeply regret it. There are marriages that are incredibly horrible that you can’t imagine what they’re like unless you’re in it. Either way, I cheated and then I asked for a divorce and I wish I had ended my marriage before I got to that point because I’ll never be able to erase what happened and I’ll always regret it.
This is an old article but I can’t resist…the cheater and his skank will never feel the depth of heartache they chose to inflict on the innocent parties just to get an ego stroke and a cheap piece of ass..you make me sick..only in America do you get a pat on the back for being weak trash.. some countries still do public stonings…
Then why dont you go move to Afghanistan or some Muslim country where they do that since you loathe America? BTW in many western European countries, affairs are seen as a better alternative to divorcing and breaking Up a family, and people aren’t demonized for having an affair if it keeps the family intact. Just sayin’.
This is so old I’m sure no one will read it. In my case, my ex became depressed after retiring and I suggested he seek help from a therapist when it became apparent my attempts to help him weren’t working. Eight months later he was asking for a divorce so he could move in with the therapist he’d been seeing. We’d been married 35 years. I have no compassion for the other woman.