If you’re having a hard time forgetting about your ex and moving on or if you’re feeling lonely, try not to feel guilty.
The first reaction after a breakup is to wonder if you shouldn’t have acted differently during the relationship. It is absolutely normal to think like this but ultimately, it undermines you.
You and your ex shared things together, you were close to each other, but now that it’s over there is no point moping about – instead you must tell yourself that there is a reason why it happened.
Find out what this is, learn from it, and then you will be able to move forward with your life, without glancing over your shoulder. Of course, all this is easier said than done, so we have set out the steps to follow:
1. Make a List:
Starting over after your marriage has ended can seem overwhelming, but try and look at the bigger picture. Think about your former relationship and everything that wasn’t going well or wasn’t working. First, you must analyze all its negative points in a clear, coherent manner to enable you to understand what brought about your breakup. Even if you didn’t end the relationship yourself, if you have reached this point, the relationship must not have been fulfilling. Look for everything that wasn’t working. Make a list and organize it into topics:
- Respect of one another’s rhythm
- Listening to one another
- Plans made together
- General understanding
- Quality of shared moments
This step works to determine the key moments in your relationship. What were the tipping points? What triggered the breakup?
Introspection, self reflection, and analyzing the changes in the couple are very important as they help you on your way to your cure. This is an important part of step 1 of the Love Intelligence Method to find love.
2. Accept that it wasn’t working:
It is important to remain realistic about the relationship that just ended. We have a tendency to idealize old relationships, but this only serves to stop us moving on. Idealizing a relationship is a way of protecting yourself. It means that we don’t necessarily want to live in the present or to face it. Tell yourself that if your partner ended your relationship, it may be because you are incompatible and that you must accept it. Sure, it takes two to argue, but it also takes two to love each other.
3. Learn to see the potential partners around you:
Don’t idealize your next partner: “the next one will be the right/perfect person for me” etc. Here at Love Intelligence, we have met so many people in our coaching sessions who have lost years of their lives idealizing their past relationship, and have forgotten that they had to keep living and to open up to people without idealizing the new person they meet. When they come to us, very quickly a change comes about: good things happen to them as they begin to understand that they have to be assertive, and that they have to learn to be interested in the humanity of the person in front of them. This makes such a difference! They allow themselves to become more receptive to the people who surround them, which is really the only way that you can meet great people.
4. Do not get back in touch with your ex:
When a relationship has ended very recently, we miss this person a lot and we can’t help wanting to see them, talk to them, call them, get in touch with them. This is going to sound difficult but it is mandatory: if you want to forget about them, stop! If you have them in your Facebook friends, then remove them.
It’s addictive, the more you contact them, and the more you become dependent on them. Therefore if you keep holding on to this relationship which is ended, it will be even more difficult to move on and to rebuild your life.
5. Live life on your own terms:
When starting over, you must make sure that you are not surrounded by anything that will remind you of your ex. Get rid of the things that act as reminders, sell your engagement ring, put away old photos. If you have friends that tend to speak about them or remind you of them, try not so hang out with them too often. Take some distance until you’ve really moved on. This is the perfect opportunity to plunge back into your social life and catch up with friends.
Take advantage of the situation by doing the things you wanted to do but felt you couldn’t do when you were with your ex.
- Enjoy going to the cinema with your girlfriends to watch the romantic movies he never wanted to watch, or go shopping without hearing anyone complain.
- And for you, gentlemen, why not indulge in a night in watching the game with your friends with anybody nagging, or go out as late as you like?
Take advantage of activities like:
- Sport to decompress and help you work off your frustration
- Anything artistic, like dancing, painting, or whatever medium that allows you to express yourself, will help you to express how you’re feeling and rid yourself of negative thoughts and stress.
What we suggest is for you to write down how you feel on a piece of paper and get it all out. It is very efficient as you free yourself from the weight of negative emotion, and you can often express in writing what you don’t manage to say out loud.
Turn the page!
Take this as the perfect opportunity to start meeting new people. Who knows, maybe your future partner is among them? That said, don’t rush into a new relationship if you’re not ready. Take your time – you need to feel good in yourself before you can start a relationship. This takes some patience. After all these steps there can only be a happy ending. By following them closely, you can grow in maturity and bounce back in no time. The next chapter in your story can only be a happy one!
Florence Escaravage is the no. 1 love coach in France and creator and CEO of Love Intelligence. For more love advice, or to discover the 5 keys of the Method for free, visit Love-Intelligence.com. You can also follow Florence on Twitter @LovIntelligenc.