Does your husband not want to make love to you?
Do you often get rejected by your husband?
If you do, you have plenty of empathy from me. It is unhealthy physically to be in a sexless marriage, never mind the emotional toll it takes. Your self-esteem takes a beating over the years of neglect.
Unfortunately, this is a topic that often goes unaddressed. I guess it’s still taboo. Also, most women would have you believe their husband wants it all the time and they can’t keep up with his voracious appetite.
This may be true in some cases but not in as many as they would have us believe.
When A Man Doesn’t Make Love To A Wife
So, if you feel ashamed of the fact that your marriage is so far from this stereotype that you’ve forgotten what it feels like to be touched intimately, know that you’re not alone. With the children and their needs and demands, it’s easier to let it slide then to question what could be wrong.
But wrong it is.
If you are suffering this kind of neglect I recommend you address it immediately. Nothing says dying marriage louder than a “lack of intimacy”.
Is it time to raise the white flag?
I was in such a relationship and began to feel ugly. I thought there was something unappealing about me. I’m not a nympho by any stretch, but a normal, healthy woman with a normal appetite for intimacy and desire to share that with my partner.
However, instead of flourishing in my peak, I was wilting away. It didn’t matter how many expensive haircuts, or how beautiful my clothes, I was not sexually desired by my partner. I can hardly think of anything crueler in a relationship.
I was recently thinking about a trip we took to Italy several years before our separation. I think we were together for around 12 years at the time. Some of our close friends had invited us to join them on a cruise of the Amalfi Coast, undoubtedly one of the most beautiful cities in the whole world.
We didn’t make love once on that trip. He flew me halfway around the world to neglect me in every way possible. Even emotionally. I don’t recall sharing an intimate moment with him.
One beautiful day we boarded one of those tour buses to take us up to the ruins of Pompeii, an incredible historical site. But when we got on the bus, he continued to walk past me to the back, leaving me to sit alone. When I looked around, all the couples sat together quietly talking. The neglect was poignant being that it was conducted amidst the most romantic countryside in the world.
When I think about being in Italy all those years ago, I think of myself as the Lady in the Yellow Dress. Because I have a picture of myself standing on the famous bridge over the Tiber River wearing one of my favorite dresses, a soft yellow, linen shift dress. I didn’t realize at that moment how beautiful I really was. Only now, when I see that picture do I realize my own lost beauty and the shame and waste I allowed by staying in a sexless, loveless relationship.
Where was Ray Drecker when I needed him? The HBO series “Hung” about a hot and sweet male escort, who always pleases his clients, makes me re-think the stigma attached with paid escorts.
Today, I can be in sweatpants and a t-shirt and feel beautiful. Even if I could afford the beautiful clothes I bought for that cruise, I don’t need them to incite desire from my partner. In a sexually healthy relationship, you feel validated. You feel beautiful and wanted. It is a gift your partner gives you. When intimacy is strong in a relationship, everything else will fall into place.
Is this a common problem? I thought it is the men that typically want more frequent and constant sex in a relationship..I’d be happy with 2-3 times a week, or even once a week. I get 2 times a month (mostly consecutive days)as her hormone cycle appears to peak.. We are not on any BC or other medication. I went to the “vet” and got snipped for that.. We thought that would help avoid the fear and stress, which it did, but now we have it even less…
Yes it is common. Women don’t talk about it because there is a lot of shame attached to being married to a man who doesn’t want sex. As you know, or so they say, “all men want sex.” Nothing is more surprising than finding out, after marriage, that not all men are interested in sex.
I used to sit quietly when my girlfriends talked about how often their husbands wanted sex. It is no fun listening to other women talk about the sexual adventures they share with their husband when you are married to one who doesn’t allow cuddling in bed.
My ex and I averaged intimacy 4 times a year. Twice a month would have felt like heaven to me. People have differing sex drives. I’ve learned that it is OK to be someone who isn’t interested in sex and it is OK to be someone who is interested in sex. If you are lucky enough you have a spouse who is willing to compromise and find a happy medium.
I have been with my man 2 years 2 months we have had sex a grand total of 10 times… His doing. I would like it at least 2 times a week. It is awful…. as a woman it makes me feel unwanted, unattractive, undesirable, ugly, fat. I try everything I can and nothing works.
Yes, typically the man wants it more that’s why this subject is important to bring up. In the case where he doesn’t want it, how it feels for the woman. It’s taboo when your man isn’t interested…
I hope you and your wife can talk about it and work together to ensure you’re both satisfied. Thanks for your comment!
WoW, Glad to hear this from a woman. I had a close call also, a ice lady. Not interested
was the standard operating procedure. Never got remarried, close too twice, but
not a problem. The touch, taste, feel, emotion, and all that goes with a relationship
between a man, and woman is just as important as the cerebial side. Lightin up people
it’s just physical intimicy at it best. Doctors say it can offset the stresses of illness, and
aging. WoW, you think? Hope all find a life mate, as Goldilocks said, Just Right.
Hi Rina, thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like your ex Narc has some serious sexual dysfunction. I hope you are now free to find some physical intimacy and speak your love language, finally! Everyone deserves love in their life.
My husband and I have been married for just over 4 years now. I’m now 29 and he is 31. We both decided to wait until our wedding night to have sex. I had my suspicions about his lack of libido and questioned his desire for me. He was very reassuring… he really thought he functioned normally. Along came our wedding night and he couldn’t get himself up to the task… He wasn’t functioning properly. 4 years later we have yet to consummate out marriage. He doesn’t like kissing so we don’t kiss either. We have seen world class surgeons for his particular issue and none of them can give a cause for the problem. He is 100% unresponsive to oral medical intervention. Testosterone replacement therapy hasn’t helped And insurance won’t cover a penile implant because the doctors can’t find a cause. I’m going to be thirty next year and my heart is broken with loneliness and disappointment. I’m an objectively very attractive person. I’ve had partners before my husband and I dated. I had a change of heart about my lifestyle so we decided to wait together. Now I’m almost through with my twenties… The “best years of my life” and At my physical peak. The idea of divorcing him breaks my heart because he can’t help his physical problem. He also hasn’t made a romantic effort in years because he feels so down trodden. I feel stuck and it’s difficult to remain faithful. It’s lonelier than being alone because I feel totally trapped. I feel that there is no good way out but I’m desperate for intimacy.
I’m sorry, Claire. You’re in a really difficult situation and I think it might be time to have a serious talk with your husband. Time to decide how to remedy the situation so that you are both able to move on, whether that is together or apart.
I know this is hard Claire but I would leave now. You are fortunate to not have kids. I have been married 18 years. My husband and I have had sex maybe 15 times. MAYBE! Most years were totally sexless. However, my husband is very kind, he loves me AND we have children (I am very fertile). The last maybe 8 years we have not a sex at all. I’m 45, I’ve spent my life like this. It’s tough and divorce this late in the game is hard. Really try to make an informed decision now! Don’t waste anymore time on this! It will not change. It really hurts your life! We were meant to love fully! Mind,BODY, and Soul.
Wow! Your relationship with your husband sounds like mine. I’m 45 and it is very hard to deal with my sexless marriage. I’ve been married 21 years and we’ve had sex maybe 25 times. The last time we had sex was when we conceived our daughter 7 years ago. Our 20 year reunion we went somewhere special and he couldn’t perform. It was so depressing. He can’t take Viagra because he’s on blood pressure medicine. I’ve talked to him about this and he says we should go to a sex therapist. I don’t think it would really help. He really is such an asexual guy. I had warnings of this when we dated, but I just thought he was being respectful of me. Other guys I’ve been with before I met my husband were VERY sexual to the point where it was scary and intimidating. I know this is crazy, but I would love it if he cheated on me and I found out about it. I’d be so proud that he wanted/had sex. Well thank God for masturbation and sexual dreams!
Lynn, how is his testosterone level? Has that ever been checked?
He hasn’t. I mentioned it and he became a little upset. I had a heart to heart talk with him. I told him I want to be completely honest. I told him how unhappy I was sexually with him for pretty much our entire marriage. I told him I would rather be honest than lie, cheat and deceive him. He respected that. I told him if things do not change our marriage is not divorce proof. He said he’s going to try. I told him we should schedule sex for each week (we might need some alcohol to help us relax around each other-we never drink). We both going to try. Wish me luck!
I wish you the best of luck! Try this, cook testosterone boosting foods. Google to find a list. Also, testosterone boosting supplements. You can both eat them. Heck, testosterone is great for a woman’s libido two so you may kill two birds with one stone. I’ve heard magnesium and vitamin D are helpful when it comes to increasing testosterone.
I’m sorry, Claire. You’re in a really difficult situation and I think it might be time to have a serious talk with your husband. Time to decide how to remedy the situation so that you are both able to move on, whether that is together or apart.
My marriage of 20 years has been depressing to say the least. My hubby and I stopped having sex after we had our twin daughters. Our daughters are 17 now and they are the reason I have put up with his nonsense. For the past decade I have engaged in a steamy affair with a married man who has a wife like my husband. I am happy we have not been caught but happier to be able to have sex. My lover has made my marriage tolerable while I wait for my kids to grow up.
Sounds a little dangerous, Melinda. I know everyone has to do what’s right for them. I just hope this doesn’t end in heartbreak. Hope it all works out okay 🙂
News flash, Lisa – LIFE ends up in heartbreak.
Totally disagree boocat. Life is beautiful.
For me it is the reverse. When we were trying to get pregnant, my husband made it such a chore for me. It was all about his wants, and I was there to simply to service him. It killed any desire I had for him.
Now that our family is complete, he still makes no effort to please me and wonders why I have no interest in him. Toys get the job done with an active mind, and I get to sleep much faster. I am just counting the days until our youngest turns 18, and then my happy divorcee period beings.
My only advice is to beware a selfish person when looking for a life partner. Nothing will ever be for the good of others. It will always be them first, in the marriage and with the children.
Great advice, Kay!
This is horrible advice. You’re a horrible person.
Hi,
I’ve beenrejected by my husband from the very first day wedding as i don’t have much knowledge and never communicated about this sex with my husband before marriage i didn’t knowit was serious problem 6 months have passed away and my husband never touched me even once and made fake promises that after 6 months he will have sex with me i waited but he said he is willingly doing this not having sex i made it an issue with both parents then again he promised not to repeat this kind of behaviour but the same happened again and i again made it an issue after 2 months again there is no use he seem to have some problem in hiss erection i was so supportive to my husband and offered help in every possible way but he never try to bother about me or our future and behaving the same and escaping most of the time.he says he loves me so much and he will try his best.i feel i’m no less than servant in this house feeling this my parents wants me to come home and leave this useless relationship but i am not ok by simply breaking this marriage.i hope it is not that easy.he never b that close to me but still i love him from the day engaged so i’m still in search 2 find solutionbut it is really painful 2 stay with him when i don’t get any love or care so i planned 2 give a last chance buy sending him through on all medical test so that we can decide what to do my parents are not willing me 2 stay and work like servant for him is this right r wrong.v r having our 1st anniversary next month and till today he is never romantic with me and i don’t have any sweet memories with him he is like as if he should get married and he got married that’s it and nothing else if i ask or better say iplease him what is the reason behind all this and he never gave proper answer he want to have child wen he moves abroad(USA) so he is not trying here.is taking divorce with this type of person right or wrongg
Hi Raina, my unbiased and objective opinion? It is not likely to improve. Staying with your husband will only bring you into deeper disappointment as you will not likely have any children either. I think your parents are correct in telling you to go back home. It will only get worse as time goes on. The sooner you get out of this, the sooner you will find happiness elsewhere. All the best to you.
Raina,
Some things that you might not know…
Erections take a couple of components, the major ones being engorging and erecting. Viagra and vacuum pumps can fill the flaccid penis with blood. There are other nervous triggers that contract the pelvic floor muscles to turn the engorged member into an erection.
Believe it or not, men can orgasm without an erection. You might consider switching to oral sex for pleasure and bonding (both of you, not just servicing him in an attempt to get him erect) and some other things NSFW (talk to a urologist who specializes in these sort of things). If he did get that expensive (and I’m told very painful) surgery, he still will just be going through the motions is he doesn’t find a way to get pleasure from the thrusting and ultimately climaxing. The other thing for you to understand is that many (most?) women have some level of difficulty reaching orgasm with only penetration. Some of it’s geometry and technique, but don’t think that some magic is going to happen just because he got the implant. You guys need to figure that magic out with or without the implant.
A not commonly known porn star trick is Kegel exercises. Usually people only think of Kegels for women, but men and women actually have all of the same muscle groups, they are just arranged a bit differently. A kegel contraction for a man will actually change the angle of the penis relative to the body (ie the erection part). Kegels for men can strengthen all of the muscles (pelvic floor) needed for erections. There are reports that men who have not responded well to Viagra and the like were able to achieve erection after some rigorous kegel training.
Erections are also as much about the brain as they are the penis. Consider sending your husband to a psychologist. He’s probably pretty freaked out. Performance anxiety is a real bitch. If nothing else, it will help him deal with this.
I have not had sex for close to 14 years now. We had sex about 3 times before marriage and perhaps 4 times after. I was the one who propsed and bought the ring. I am a 48 year woman today. The man that I married is very close to his mother who abandoned him as a child. Perhaps there is a connection in this but I am done searching. They both ruined my life with the exuses of no sex. All I hear is how old I am and how bad I look comparring to the mother. Moving on today.
I am in the same situation. My boyfriend’s mother abandoned him when she divorced his Father. It shattered my boyfriend. He is cold and unaffectionate like his Mother. Sadly, I resent her too. The whole family enables her even though she was a horrible mother and absent most of their family’s life. I am suffering because of her. My boyfriend and I have sex maybe once every two years. We have been together 14 years and still no ring or proposal either. I am 47 and feel I have wasted my life away. I feel like it is too late for me to have children or any hopes to be a wife and make a home for someone. I feel so depressed and unattractive from this.
14 years is a long time. I’m sorry you’ve gone through this and glad you’re moving on. Best thing for you!
My marriage is coming up on 4 years and im already living a sexless marriage. I can count with my hands how many times weve had sex since being married. It makes me so sad. I cry myself every night to sleep. Ive brought it up and have tried to talk it through to see what the real roots of the issue are, but he always comes up with excuses that dont even make sense. Im barely 24, i feel like my sex life is being wasted. We have a one year old but she is not even difficult, we have plenty of free time that we could be working on things. Even getting pregnant was a chore for him. Im to the point that i just want to give up and find someone else. I dont know what else to do.
Hi Brenda, I feel for you. It’s such a difficult position to be in. I often recommend sex therapy and if they’re not willing to even try, then it’s time to ask yourself that serious question “IS it worth staying?” I feel that sex is such an important ingredient in a marriage that the lack of it certainly erodes the bond. It is also a human need (we are animals) and we suffer without it. Maybe set yourself a timeline and if things don’t improve then take action. All the best to you.
Hi, I was with my husband for 12years in total. We married 6 years ago. We have two young children together. Two years in to our relationship, he stopped touching me during sex and not long after sex became a rarity. I always seemed to be the one who insinuated it, it got to point it was a couple of times a year. After our first child we just didnt have sex at all. I became extremely depressed and gain alot of weight. The rejection i felt affected my confidence severly, i couldnt help believeing there was something wrong with me, it was my fault in someway. We had our second child which felt like a chore. And from then we didnt have sex at all for 2.5years. The last 5 years of our marriage sex has been 5 times if that. Ive cryed myself to sleep so many times over the last 10 years that it took its toll on me & in august i ended my marriage. It was not an easy decision to make but i spent 10years of my 12year relationship extremely unhappy. We spoke about our problem endless amounts of time, i offered counciling (marriage & sexual but he refused. We went to doctors but nothing ever changed & in the end i couldnt take any more. now im considering divorce but is a sexless marriage grounds for divorce??
Hi Samantha, A sexless marriage is considered ‘irreconcilable differences’ so I guess it is grounds for divorce in a matter of speaking. It sounds like you’ve tried everything to make it work and to improve it, without any success. You have to move on and make yourself happy. Thanks for sharing your story here at DM.
Thank you for writing an article on this subject and being frank. I´ve been in a sexless marriage for 15+years now and it really does take its toll on your self-esteem. Always working on my apperance and trying to make him want me in that way, waste of f……g time. Why should you have to beg some one your married to for intimacy?? I have been trying to divorce him for the last 6 months in an amicable way, but he just doesn´t seem to get it (he´s always been in control, so why should he?) Without intimacy things just don´t last. Wish I hadn´t been such an eternal optimistic and had seen the light earlier. These type of men do not change. It´s better to move on.
You’re absolutely right, NT44. You should not have to beg!! You’re gorgeous and will find some good lovin’ in your future. Thanks for sharing your point of view here at DM, we appreciate it!
NT44, I am with ya – better to move on. I am finished with his control also – I am always wrong, i have no justification to have my own feelings or opinions. If I don’t share the same opinion that he has, I am an idiot. No, I’m not – I am a human being with my own personality and characteristics. Let’s raise a glass to kickin’ these guys to the curb…we’ve been dancing this dance for way too many years.
i’ve been fighting a lack of sex marriage for 16 years and a totally sexless marriage for the last 3. Previous years, he would cut me off for 4 months, then 7 months, then 9 months until I finally had to beg him to make love to me. Dec 24, 2011 was the last time we had sex – and 2 weeks ago, we ‘tried’ it after me getting naked and crawling into bed and asking him to join me. The fireworks didn’t happen – after 3 years, I sure as heck thought they would – but he just laid back and got the attention and his needs met, while I was left all revved up and no place to go. I brought out the toys and knew that he thought I was ‘weird’ for wanting him to help with my satisfaction. I am not ‘Barbie,’ but I am not repulsive – I am great in bed and I can’t figure this one out. He’s been to med doctors, and has Viagra – but not much good that will do without the desire. I am starving myself at this point thinking if I lose that 20 pound, maybe – just maybe it will make a difference. I always smell great, pretty hair – and nothing. Yet, I have a neighbor that has come right out and said he wants to be with me and I am fighting my morals every day not to run to him and feel the closeness and intimacy with him. I want to be adored, cherished, ravished – I don’t want to be somebody’s bitch anymore. I get nothing, NOTHING out of this relationship other than financial (we both work full time). I am the maid, the cook, landscaper, plumber, accountant, and everything in between. Counseling for the past 6 weeks did nothing more than frustrate the crap out of me because he wouldn’t be honest. And of course he doesn’t want the marriage to end – he has everything a guy could want and doesn’t have to touch me. Yeah, I’m done. Reading this was the wake up call I needed. Getting papers drawn up this week hopefully.
Well it sounds like you’ve tried everything, Dee and still nothing. You’re right to take action. It is unhealthy to be without sexual activity and to be rejected. Wish you all the best and you’re in the right place here at DM for lots of advice and support.
Congratulations and thank you for allowing me to have clarity on my same situation, I can’t deal with this no more, I need to be brave and move on with my life, and find the happiness I deserve, and the passion I have a human right to receive from a loving man.
I’m 29 and have been married for 3 yrs. Other than one vacation we took in which we had sex daily, we have had sex 1-2 a year! We currently have one child around 1.5 and have not had sex for over a yr and a half since conceiving. The topic gets brought up a lot by me and my husband’s usual response like today is you don’t need sex to live or I dnt understand why it’s so important to you or yes will have sex and we never do and months pass. I’m just so over it and he just doesn’t understand why it’s important. He won’t go to counseling and all we do is fight which obviously is the result or one of the causes of having no intimacy. I told him today if we do not start having sex at the least 2 to 3 times a month then I’m walking. It is the worst feeling.
thank you Lisa for this article, it is the first article I have read that really speaks straight to my heart and understands what I am going through. I have been married for nearly 6 years, and sadly only had sex twice in the last 3. The last time we shared proper intimacy was when our twin girls were conceived (which was 3 years ago). I find the worst part is that it just sort of creeps up on you, I find myself almost becoming Asexual which I never used to be, as you say Lisa, I am not a nympho but I really used to enjoy sex and now I just feel discarded, undervalued and unattractive. The problem seems to mostly be my husbands stress and depression, but although he has only recently started antidepressants and counselling, there seems to be no interest or acknowledgement on his part of the sex issue and he never wants to talk about it. I have almost learned to live with it but I have moments where I find it unbearable, and I get incredibly sad and there is a loneliness that comes with it as well. as someone explained it to me once, sex and intimacy create a very necessary bond between you and your mate, it also serves to maintain a connection and strength when the chips are down or you are experiencing difficult times in life. Without it, the reserves that your marriage has to draw on is virtually empty. I love my husband and he always calls me his best friend, but I so very much want to be desired and made to feel attractive and loved. Also with such young children I feel I just can’t put them through the process of breaking up our family. I just feel doomed to be perfectly honest.
Hi Maya, thank you for sharing your story. Sex is a basic human need and so of course, when we’re not getting it we feel an emptiness (over time). It is painful and should be taken seriously by your husband. Try to emphasize and communicate with him and maybe he would be willing to try couples sex therapy. If you have the friendship in the marriage it might be well worth looking into other resources to improve your sex life. Give it a shot and take it from there. All the best to you!
Put the brakes on this relationship, Diane. He has lots to figure out with his kids etc. Don’t move in with him now. Keep your house and continue living there. If he loves you he’ll wait until you’re ready. In the meantime, you can both work on your relationship and see where it goes. Hope that helps!
Can anyone offer me advice. I’m in a relationship that has been secession going on 9 months now. He’s using excuses of being depressed. We’re looking at a house tomorrow to possibly buy and live together with the intention of getting married. I do not want to be in a declassified marriage at all. I’m trying to give him his space to feel better. He’s working through getting his kids adjusted to living with him and they’re aren’t doink so well they miss their mom and don’t like having to listen to me, etc…there are things that have been difficult with our kids getting along etc.. I get it. I know we want to wait to have a baby too and he worries about that as well. I have expressed my feelings. How I feel undesirable, that he doesn’t have to cheat he could just let me go, how painful ot is to love some one sooooo much and not to have them male love to you, how it’s healthy and actually helps w stress, what God has to say about sex in Romans (not good to with hold except for an agreed upon time for prayer and not for to long least the devil get in). I’ve done what I thought at least I’m supposed to do. Discuss with him how I feel, try to ask what I need to do to better support him, bought sexy underwear bras nighties. He just says for me to be patient but doesn’t give me a clear answer of when I can expect to have a healthy passionate love life with him. What do I do?
Put the brakes on this relationship, Diane. He has lots to figure out with his kids etc. Don’t move in with him now. Keep your house and continue living there. If he loves you he’ll wait until you’re ready. In the meantime, you can both work on your relationship and see where it goes. Hope that helps!
Obviously my main concern is do I evenot bother looking at houses with him? I don’t want to leave my house to move in with him just to have to find another house later down the road , because I sure as heck am not going years without sex!! And I shouldn’t no one should! Ive already told him I don’t want to be the person that says I haven’t had sex in 10 years. Thanks for at least letting me vent!
I would not. You need to be sexually compatible or your going to be sad and miserable down the line. Ask yourself what you can OR cannot live without.
I’m pretty hurt this morning. He rolls over in bed n starts rubbing me, mumbles something like oh no I’ve ruined your costume let’s see what he says, but then I think he realized it was me and he stopped and rolled back over. I think he was having a hot steamy dream….well what happened to him having no desire for sex what so ever right now? What do I do? I feel like bawling!
You need to ask him about it (not the dream) but about the fact that he turned over and didn’t follow through. Communication is so important in resolving the issue. If that doesn’t work then, I don’t think this relationship will be a healthy one. I’m sorry you’re hurting, Diane. I hope this tiny bit of advice helps.
I’ve been married to my husband four months and we haven’t consumated the marriage. He was molested by his older sister at 9 years of age. He tells me it’s ok because he forgave her yet he isn’t capable of having sex. I try to be understanding and comfort him. I still have needs that aren’t being met. Is it selfish to want sex?
Hi Jenn, It’s not selfish to want sex. Maybe you could attend sex therapy together to resolve his issue?
I have been married for 15 years. I am amazed at the stories I have read from other women who experience their husbands not wanting to have sex. My husband and I have sex 2 maybe 3 times a year and it is me who initiates it. I thought men always wanted to have sex – but it is becoming a very SAD part of our marriage and I don’t know what to do. I have talked w/ him many times about it and he answers that he is tired all of the time. He does have sleep apnea which really disturbs his and my sleep. I do not even share a bed with him anymore because of the machine he is attached to while he sleeps. Our sex life is depressing and I am just not happy with the marriage due to what I feel is a withdrawal on his part.
Hi I’m new here I been with my husband sense 07 we got marriage in 09 we had a baby girl in 08 and I already had a daugther from a previous relationship. We stop have sex over three year his the one distant his self his won’t sleep in some bed at all his alway bring up the excuse that I’m alway try hurt him because I get mad at him start throw things because his alway want start a fight put no where so his can live the house his used to drink a lot and become very mean and abused but his doesn’t drink or abuse anymore when his start say mean things to me when his drunk your ugly your fat ur disgust I didn’t love u.and his say his would have pay somebody to have sex with me this still all in heart and brain something I can’t get over .his hurt me so bad so I start slap him punched him when say this ugly things to me so know his used the past as excuse not sleep in some bed or have sex with me it make me feel ugly and that maybe his right I’m fat and disgusted .I’m so money and empty insise
Hi Leah, your husband is abusive. This is a toxic marriage. You are starting to believe his ugly words and they’re simply NOT true. You are a beautiful human being who deserves love. I would recommend you begin to plan a departure from this relationship. All the best to you.
Hi Lisa, Would he be willing to try sex therapy? I think that’s kind of the last resort in an attempt to fix the sexual relationship. All the best to you.
I have been with my husband for 12 years. We have sex maybe 1 every four months and it last about 2 minutes. I used to be beautiful and driven But now I am fat and old. I have replaced sex with food. I have no self of steem after years of neglect. I have no job no money and no running car. I feel so trapped. I don’t know what to do. Luckily we don’t have any kids. I mean you have to have sex to make children! I wanted kids once but am now glad that it never happened. My husband isn’t a mean person he just has zero desire and isn’t good in bed at all. I have tried to teach him things but men are so delicate that teaching was impossible. Now I am stuck in this mess and don’t know how to get out. I can’t believe the emotional and physical toll living life this way has taken on me. I feel like I just wasted my youth and beauty on someone that does not give a damn. Please I need some advice.
Hi Jen, I think you should try to get him talking about the problem and share how unhappy you are. You’re still a beautiful woman, even if you’re not in your 20’s. It’s never too late to rediscover your sexuality. Good luck to you.
My marriage became sexless, although the sex had never been great. I was committed and we have 3 kids who need an intact family. After 20 years, I found out about his boyfriend. He told me he’s gay. He tried to be straight, but has had this boyfriend for 5 years. We are divorcing. 20 years home. I’m 47 now. So glad to know the truth. My sex esteem and self esteem is in shambles, but sex with new guys is great! There are a lot of us”straight spouses” who have found out out spouse is gay. Are you one of us?
That must have been shocking, C! No, I’m not one of those. I’m not entirely sure why my ex wasn’t very interested in sex. Some people have a low sex drive. I think it’s a good thing to know the truth and at least you can move forward knowing it wasn’t ‘you’. Sounds like you are moving on now. I hope you enjoy the many benefits of a healthy sex life!
CN,
I think I am on the road to becoming one of you. Sex in our marriage has never been great, and lately it’s nonexistent. I’ve been called a nympho, accused of only caring about that, and told every excuse as to why sex is difficult (libido, low testosterone, back injury medicine). I can’t help but question if it’s something else. Were there any red flags? How did you find out?
I was once married for 24 yrs. We had sex 5 times a week. I thought that was normal. When we divorced, I found out that is obviously not normal. I am in a very serious relationship now. We had sex weekly for about 2 years. While that wasn’t ideal for me, it was ok. He (age 57) isn’t very good in bed to begin with but now it is worse. So we moved forward and bought a house together last May while the sex was ok. From the minute we did that, our sex life dwindled down to nothing. It isn’t like he hasn’t tried but his erections do not last and I feel pressured to finish in 2 minutes. He was on Viagra previously and I think he is still taking it but now it has been more than 4 months since I have had any satisfaction. He has attempted only 4 times in that 4 months. 3 times he completed and once he just rolled off me and said it isn’t working. It isn’t as if he wants to ignore my needs. He talks about how he needs to take care of me sexually but it never happens. I don’t know how to help him. I have helped myself for so long that I have forgotten how it feels to complete with a man.
I keep reminding myself that it isn’t me but some physical issue with him and perhaps all the medications that he takes. He is loving and kind to me but he just can’t do the deed. We keep spending money on this house and I keep reminding myself that I am older (52) and later in life the sex part won’t matter but I miss feeling attractive to a man. I am not the beauty I once was but I am not an ugly duckling either. Some women talk and I know that others have the same issues as I do but is it abnormal or do men just have problems after a certain age because of medications?
Perhaps I don’t know as much as I thought about him. He takes Viagra and a couple of weekends ago I counted the pills. There are 6 less pills and he hasn’t had sex with me. Guess I was wrong about him.
I’ve heard of some men using Viagra so they can simply masturbate. So, you might want to ask him before assuming he’s using the pills to have sex with someone else?
Well, unless he is willing to work on the actual foreplay, fun side of the sex then I’m not sure he’ll improve. You may be stuck always finishing yourself…so to speak. As for your age, I really think sex is a human basic need no matter our age. Of course, the desire and frequency with which we enjoy it changes over time but it doesn’t stop our need for it. Beauty and age have little to do with our libido (IMHO). You are right when you say “it isn’t me but some physical issue with him…”. See if he would be willing to try couples sex therapy. It may change your relationship! Thanks for sharing your story here at DM.
I have been together with my spouse for 24 years. My spouse is the only person I have had sex with in my entire life. Our sex life has never really set the world on fire, but over the last couple of years, has basically been non-existent. We bought a new house in December of 2012. We have only had sex twice since then. When I have tried to express my dissatisfaction, my spouse has tried to play the “bury my head in the sand” game. It seems to be the same excuses…work over load (now he has a new employee to help with that load), then he had to help is mother with an ill grandmother (she has now passed away), then there is the ever present “I’m not in the mood”. I have been “taking care” of the physical part of my sex needs for years now, but what I can’t replace is the emotional connection that is such a wonderful part of an intimate relationship. I truly LOVE this person more than life, but how can I survive in a sexless relationship?? Any suggestions??
Hi JM, What really stand out to me in your comment is your statement ” I truly LOVE this person more than life…”. That’s reason enough to work on the sex in the marriage with him—whatever it takes. Sexual therapy? Trying new things? Talking about it more? I’m not a sex therapist so I can’t recommend activities for you however, communication and touching are a good place to start. Hugs, cuddling, hand holding, hair touching all show a connection to our partner without an agenda. If that is absent, then you might want to start with that and move forward. Meantime, find a sex therapist that is suitable for your situation (it might take trying a few of them). Wishing you happy sex life with the one you love.
Sometimes loving that person and your children is the only reason you stay. You block out the sad and lacking parts, pretty much forget yourself….sacrifice your own needs….for everyone else.
Instead of whining and complaining, how about taking the initiative yourself? After all, you women brag all day about how good you are at everything.
thank you, Adam. I am pretty good in bed and I did take the initiative. I left.
do you have facebook
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im in a sexless relationship also. Our sex life has been non existent for many years and I’m only 45. I took a lover for a while but our meet ups were infrequent. My partner cannot maintain an erection at all and now we are in separate bed rooms. Every day I feel more and more sad, bitter and resentful. It’s eating me up inside but for the meantime I’m trapped. By the time my opportunity comes to escape I feel i’ll be old and unattractive .
Well, you’re far from old! Trust me on this. It sounds like it’s time for a change, d. Start by seeing a couselor/psychologist. There is no good reason to live as you are unless your husband has a health issue. Otherwise, try sex counseling together as a couple but if it’s gone beyond repair, you may have to take charge of your own sexual and mental health by making the necessary changes in your life. Thanks for sharing here, I know it takes great courage to talk about this subject.
If my wife was interested enough in sex to actually have an affair I would regard that as a positive thing – how sad isn’t that…
Wow, I’ve never heard that before. I hope you can have an open conversation with her about SEX. Maybe start by asking her what she needs…keep the conversation about her and what you can learn about her desires. See where that takes you. 😉
Oh I have tried, I have emplored her to tell me what she wants, needs, whishes for. I’m personally very openminded and open to just about anything and everything. I’m also very outspoken and can talk about anything. I’ve told her over and over that I’d give her anything she’d possibly could wish for. She asks for none. Unfortunatly her repressed childhood always wins out in the end. Sex can be good and enjoyed, but there is always a nagging feeling that she considers it as a chore (to many hints to ignore) and if I stop taking initiative everything just stop.
She has taken active initiative to sex exactly twice in our marriage. After 15 years I have grown weary and more and more time pass between encounters. I love her dearly but the bitterness and sadness is hard to fight of in the long run.
Oh, sorry to hear that chefren. It sounds like you’ve tried almost everything. If you love her maybe professional couples sex therapy and maybe blood tests to check her hormone levels. After those avenues are all exhausted, then it comes time to make that decision…do you stay or leave. Wish you some progress one way or another though because none of us should have to live without sex.
I hope someone can offer me advise. I have been married almost 20 years our sexual intimacy has dwindled since we first married. We have been to counselors and he says he does not desire sex when he is mad at me but now that he is not mad at me there is still no sex. I feel heartbroken becuase i guess it just proves to me what i have know all along, that he is not attracted to me. He is a great guy and father and i am not sure how to leave without it being selfish, since on the outside it looks like we are the perfect couple. I just dont think it is fair to live in a relationship like this for the families sake yet i dont have the self esteem to leave.
I should probably clarify, I am in a low sex marriage (10 times a year or less).
I am in the same situation, and wrestling with the same feelings of guilt, abandonment and low self esteem. You’re not alone in your situation, and I sympathize with you.
If you’re unhappy and you’ve tried counseling, you could try a trial separation and see how that unfolds. Maybe you and your husband can discuss other options to create greater sexual satisfaction for you while remaining married? You’re not selfish…
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My husband and I have been married 1.5 years. Together for 5 years. I had to beg and plead 4 times a year to have sex prior to marriage. Now we are married, we had sex 2 times the month after we weD. It has now been 1 year and 5 months since we last had sex. We saw a counselor for the past 5 months. It got him to play sex games, but he never took the games past the initial fun. I’ve tried lingerie and everything. I asked him to leave yesterday but he won’t move out. He thinks we can fix it still. We have had this discussion a hundred times, why does he promise to have sex but not follow through? It consumes my thoughts all day, every day. I am very depressed. I am not as ugly as this Feels… I need sex. I need a divorce. Why does he lie that he will have sex?….also, can I go to a lawyer and make him leave? The house is in my name alone…purchased years before we got married.
Any comment is appreciated. Thank you for this article.
Why did you marry a man you had to beg for sex? Why didn’t you think you deserved better? Your husband is not ever going to be interested in sex. It isn’t about you, how you look or what you wear. He is asexual and always will be. See a divorce attorney, file for divorce and tell your attorney to petition the court for you to have exclusive right to reside in the home.
It sounds like you’ve tried everything. To answer your questions; he probably says he will have sex because he wants to hang on to the marriage as long as possible and is trying to appease you. This only serves to frustrate and is disingenuous behavior. It’s normal to want sex and it’s also normal to look inward when our man doesn’t want it. It’s not you though, as Amanda mentioned. Also, yes you can contact a lawyer anytime and it’s excellent that the house is in your name. Once you tell him divorce is what you want and give him a timeline to pack his things, the lawyer will be able to help you with the other process of the divorce. First thing you should do is make sure you have a copy (or the original) of the house title legal papers, showing your name as sole owner. Good luck and once you take your first step you’ll be happier.
Thank you for this article! I married my first husband very young and realized pretty quickly it was a mistake. We have two children who have since been adopted by my current husband. They are both in their early twenties and don’t live with us. When we met he told me that he had never had sex and was saving it for marriage. I saw that as admirable but maybe should have seen it as a red flag as he was thirty at the time. He is the perfect spouse in most ways. He’s funny and easy to be around. However, we only had sex twice on our honeymoon. I quickly discovered that any intimacy I was going to get had to be initiated by me. I also found out that he was masturbating to porn instead of having sex with me. Now it is nine and a half years later and he swears he hasn’t looked at porn in a couple of years but still no intimacy. We have talked it to death and he knows that he makes me feel unattractive but he makes no effort to change. I have told him repeatedly over the years that he is going to have to change or our marriage will end. I’ve even told him that I am going to end up sleeping with someone else because someone will come along who treats me like a desireable woman. He makes an effort for like two or three days directly after the conversation and then goes back to no contact. I am pretty sure the years of dependence on porn ruined him for real sex. I love him but I don’t want to be with him anymore. It is going to look like I am an awful person for leaving such a great guy but I don’t want to waste any more of my life waiting for him to change when he isn’t even trying. His parents have a sexless marriage that his dad has tolerated and I think he believes that I should as well. I don’t want to hurt him but he is hurting me and doesn’t seem to care.
First, NO you’re not an awful person for leaving a ‘nice guy’. The marriage is not fulfilling. Intimacy is part of the glue that holds a marriage together and if there isn’t any…well, if risks falling apart. You’re unhappy. You’ve tried talking. You’ve tried for almost 10 years and still, no change. I think the fact that he masturbates to porn but isn’t interested in you is a red flag. Time for a change and if that means looking elsewhere for intimacy or ending your marriage? Your call but you’re not a bad person for making necessary changes to improve your life. You only get one.
I have been married for almost 30 years and I love my husband terribly but he seldom wants to have sex with me. He says he does and I understand part of it is age and meds for blood pressure. We have had sex 3 times in the past year. I’m not a slut but I need to have sex more than that! In the last four months I have had two affairs with other men and I am finally getting the attention I need. Ironically, I am less resentful of my husband and do not require his affection. I never wished to divorce but as I see it, I have no guilt by having sex with other men from here on out! I think if I told him that other men were satisfying me he would probably be fine with it but I am nervous about risking it. The only reason I would tell him is to get my husband to do the job that other men are doing for him. I prefer to have sex with my husband but in Liu of the lack of sex from him, I feel that he should be excepting of my need for sexual attention from other men? Should I risk telling him for the benefit of improving our sex life? Should I stay quiet and have other men do the job that he is unwilling to do until such time that he decides to take care of business? Like I said, I’m not a slut but I do like the way other men have sex with me just for the sake of change as well as frequency.
You should have an honest conversation with your husband and tell him you are seeking sex outside the marriage, not to improve your sex life inside the marriage but simply to be honest. If you love him, you really should give him the truth and yes, risk that your marriage may end if he doesn’t agree with your solution to the no sex problem. You’re taking a risk anyway by having affairs. Do you want him to find out randomly or do you want to tell him yourself? It’s a tough situation. I certainly don’t blame you for satisfying your needs outside the marriage but give your husband the courtesy of your honesty. All the best to you, Arlene.
Arlene, If I were you I would not tell your husband that you are having sex with other men. I think that it will hurt him and he may never forgive you. What he doesn’t know wont hurt him.
Arlene, Do not tell him !! It will end your marriage !! PLENTY of married women are doing exactly what you are, you should think of yourself. Just be very careful to be discrete NEVER tell anyone of it and you will be OK. I have been involved with my younger guy for 12 years and he is perfect for me ! He knows that he is only for the sex and is fine with our arrangement.
I’ve been married for 38 years. No sex in the last decade. I’ll admit, I’ve had emotional problems, but my husband didn’t care and still doesn’t. He’s never been sexually aroused by scantily dressed women, and that includes me. I could have paraded in front of him in a string bikini when I was 23, and it would have had no different effect on him than if I had been wearing sweatpants. Most of the times in our marriage when we DID have sex, it was initiated by me. Including the time I got pregnant with our twin sons who are now in their mid-20s. About 15 years ago, a crisis happened that involved my parents. Not going to go into it, but it was the cause of my eventual emotional problems. Because of that, I stopped initiating sex with my husband, and as I said, he didn’t care. If it didn’t come from me, it wasn’t going to happen. He never even asked why. He just continued to play his video games and watch TV. During those 15 years, I guess I fell out of love with him a little, and I KNOW I’m not as attracted to him anymore. But I DO still crave sex. I handle that by masturbating (*blush*) I don’t know what else to do! I’m in therapy. My therapist has asked me if I want to learn to be intimate with my husband again. I honestly don’t think so, but divorce is against my religion. Emotionally, I don’t think I could handle having him touching me at this point in my life, and I won’t have to worry about it if I don’t touch him first. I’m sexually frustrated, but angry. Very angry. I feel trapped. I’m almost 60 years old, and my life is running out … because of this sexless man I’m married to. I’ve cried so many tears. I don’t know what to do.
My dear Angry,
You need to change religions. I too am in a sexless marriage. Married 12 sexless for 8, only because we “tried” to ge pregnant the first 4 years. I am currently in an internal struggle of “do I divorce”? Is sex worth my marriage? I am 40. I don’t want to wake up one day, 60 years old and have had 20 years of neglect under my belt. My happiness is worth more than an earthy religion. Our God gave us marriage and sex specifically to be close to our chosen spouse. It’s time to chose another.
Friend with benefits is your answer. I am much the same situation as you. My husband is 9 years older and has no need for sex at all. After giving up on him to take care of my needs, I discretely hooked up with a guy where I work. I still love my husband but I decided that I needed to continue being a woman and not just a nothing. My friend and I have been seeing each other for 7 years and it is working out perfectly. His wife is content with no sex also, so we are a match. I would have went insane without having a man and staying sexually active.
Hello, I too am in a sexless relationship. I am 31 and have with my boyfriend for 9 years now. We have not had sex in almost 5 years! It started to deindle down after 2-3 years and now nothing! It is killing me. I try to talk to him. I ask him is it me? Is it him? Are you not attracted to me anymore? But he just stared straight ahead and ignores me or gets mad at me for “starting a fight” . I walk on egg shells for him because he is very hot headed and i feel bipolar. I ask him very gently about it and he just walks away, ignores me, tells me to go away and leave him alone. He says it’s not me its him. But feel so unbelievable rejected and neglected and just awful about myself. I think I’m depressed and it consumes me. I think about it all the time. I’ve asked him if he’s cheating and he says no and laughs. I’ve asked him if he’s gay and he says no and laughs. Ibe asked him to go to counseling with me and he says no. I’ve asked him if he’s taking pills that lower his drive and he says no. I hit a wall every turn I take. I can’t imagine he’s happy with it either but he acts totally fine. This is killing me inside and its reeking havoc on me emotionally, mentally, and physically. I’m depressed, tired all the time, no motivation, and I’ve gained weight from it all. Im not a horrible looking girl? I don’t get it? What’s wrong with me? On top of this he’s not very good to me. He snaps at me a lot and degrades and belittles me. I feel he’s projecting his own issues on me but I can’t take it anymore. I’m not who I used to be. I want to be with a guy who wants to be itch me! I yearn for a guys touch and connection. The sad thing is des all this, I do love him. He’s funny, witty, sarcastic. If he only gave a S**t about me. Help me
you are not even married. Leave him.
you’ll find someone who will love you and can’t gets his hands off you.
please don’t waste your time.
i’m also 31 and had the same problem with my ex-bf. we were together for 6yrs and sex dwindled around 2.5 yrs ago. Leave him. I am moving on now and I’m never looking back. I know how it hurts. you were together for 9 yrs and i’m pretty sure your lives are so intertwined with one another’s… but YOU SHOULD CUT YOUR LOSSES NOW. Do not by any means expect it will get better. Cases like this are mostly lost causes. do not squander your prime years pining for a man who has no desire for you.
My husband is on bp medication which makes it difficult to maintain an erection. We can try, but it never goes anywhere. He seemed to think it was no big deal, until I addressed it (which was after a couple of years!) and then it took about 6 months or more for him to finally get to the doctor for Viagra. In the interim, I feel damage has been done. I almost no longer desire to be with him. I love him very much, but am I supposed to continue this way? I am not a ‘horny’ person, but at least once in a while!! I don’t like how he makes it seem like no big deal. I don’t want to go without for the rest of my life, but since it’s ‘medical’ it makes me feel like a horrible person for taking issue with it. The Viagra helps, but as I said, I feel his lack of attention to rectify it has already caused a disconnect.
Yep, there is something wrong with you if you are mad at him for having medical problems. The guy probably feels awful about it and less than a man. Sounds to me like you look at him that way probably reinforcing how he feels.
Women always cry about guys not talking to them…maybe now it’s your turn to go talk to him… ask him to get a vibrator or something to help you out when you need it…
Yeah, if you don’t work at this with a guy with medical issues it sort of makes you a horrible person. I wouldn’t doubt one bit that in your past …YOU were the one not having sex when he wanted to and when the tables turned that he didn’t need it as often…he probably figured …no big deal…I was always the one bugging her anyway…
Man001, there is nothing wrong with her! She stated in her comment that she talked to him and he did nothing about the way she felt for six months. He knew his wife was feeling rejected sexually and he waited SIX months to take action. Sounds like to me, he has something wrong with him and it has nothing to do with high blood pressure. You can’t “work” on something if the other person refuses to work also. He has viagra and nothing has changed. He has a solution to the problem, but HE is refusing to have sex with his wife. As far as your assumptions about what she used to be like in the marriage…your opinion means nothing here. So, go away!
Cathy,
I think you need to stop be bias…Man001 brings up a good point. I’m sure your lack of understanding of male sexuality most likely brings a lot of problems in your own relationships with men. Too often women think men just have an on or off button when is comes to sexual needs of a woman. Theirs always 2 stories to every issue raised in this forum…unfortunately there’s a lack of objectively to most women’s comments here.
Lack of understanding of male sexuality? This is what I understand. Men LOVE to complain about women not wanting sex but, let a woman complain about a man not wanting sex and men go dingbat crazy about us women not understanding male sexuality. You accuse us of lacking objectivity? I can’t believe you are serious!
Dude, the women here and men are sharing their experiences. None of them are biased nor complaining about men. You are being presumptuous by interpreting other people’s relationships. Please respect that these are people’s personal stories NOT general opinions.
I need advice, I’ve been married for 7 years to my husband and we have two children. Over the past 4 years, we’ve had dry spells with no sex, no intimacy. I’m not a sex addict but I do enjoy it, with him. We’ve gone for 6 mths at a time with nothing. But even when we do have sex, it’s all about him, his pleasure. He doesn’t touch my body, kiss or caress it. He has not performed oral sex on me in over 6 years but expects and asks for it from me almost everyday.i know we have issues and we also got married young but I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel ignored, ugly, useless, I hate being rejected. There have been times when I was in full make up and lingerie, and he’s told me no or that he’s tired, yet expects me to go at it whenever he’s finally in the mood. I’ve suggested toys, videos, therapy, even a threesome to spice it up and nothing. I’ve asked him if he’s gay or unnattracted to me. He laughs it off or says I’m exaggerating. I’ve even asked if he’s cheating, he says I’m being ridiculous. It was so bad I had an emotional affair, I told him about it, he didnt believe it, and just laughed. I’m at my wits end, I can’t stay in a marriage that’s unhappy but can I divorce him for something like sex that seems so trivial. I don’t want my children to hate me.
Thank you for your article. My boyfriend is 61 and I am 40. I LOVE this man with all my heart. Due to his age and weight we have had sex 3 times in 3 years. I use the word sex VERY loosley. He says he cant have sex due to stress, etc. Well, I am going to have sex with someone else, due to sex, etc. I don’t want to ever cheat on him, however, I have my needs. More importantly, my self-esteem is shot. i am an attractive woman. i will never have a shortage of men, however, i wish i was my man.
Changing yourself is the only way to save your relationship.
You need to work hard on it every day..Read this:
http://smilingspouses.com/how-i-saved-my-marriage/
I have been in a sexless, emotionless marriage for 4 years, we went to counselling & exhausted all avenues. I have recently separated from him,I had to I was dying from lonleiness. I gave him 3 years to change. it only got worse. I am seeking to fulfill me needs before I have no selfworth left.
I’ve lived in a sexless marriage for over 45 years, I don’t know why or what happened. Maybe in his past or when in Viet Nam. We were virgins and young when first married and we had sex once, he hated it and there fore hated me. Thats how our entire married life went, I thought things would get better that never happened. He curled up in his little world and I was never let in. We never talk or associate with each other. He eats and sleeps in his garage that he built and includes an apartment. He is retired and things have not changed. I have a nice house that he keeps up, great health benefits and a nice car. It really means nothing, I don’t have a life like married people do. I’m to old now to care any more and just gave up on my life. He wasn’t gay or had some thing on the side first things I checked on.
Burn in hell you needy, self depricating whore
Thanks for writing this. Excuse me for posting – I will never be a divorced mom, but I may end up a divorced dad. I have spent twenty years in a largely sexless marriage. What has made it hard to justify separating over is the fact that we’re friends – good friends. And, oddly, when we do have sex every few months, she appears to enjoy it quite a bit. But no matter how many times we discuss this and I try to make it clear that this is important to me physically and emotionally, it never changes. I have struggled with guilt over this for years – never feeling like a lack of intimacy was enough to “throw away the relationship” as she tells me. It’s really, really affirming to hear that other people feel the same way about this as I do. It’s a lack of care and a lack of love, and I don’t want to subject myself to it anymore.
I’ve heard every “reason” from stress, fear of erectile dysfunction, what if I have an STD, what if you have an STD, I’m tired, my back hurts, my knee hurts, I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m tired. Why even be with someone that you aren’t attracted to? Just let me go so I can find someone that does want me.
Everyone knows that the person who denies sex has the power in the relationship. You women are just upset that you don’t have that power anymore. Women use sex to manipulate men; you know it’s true. And men aren’t putting up with that anymore. You need to learn that men don’t exist just to be used by women. Nor are we responsible for your happiness. You’ve made this bed; now you’ve got to lie in it (pun intended).
Negative comments that generalize and put down women will not be tolerated here. Please be respectful of the sensitive subject matter and the fact that people who have opened their hearts here including the author of this (me) have made themselves vulnerable. The negative comments have been removed and future comments of this nature will be removed promptly.
Duncan, your man is very unhappy. In return he makes everyone unhappy around him. Find a man that will appreciate you on the side. Join a gym get in shape.
Duncan, your man is very unhappy. In return he makes everyone unhappy around him. Find a man that will appreciate you on the side. Join a gym get in shape.
I have been married for 33 years and my husband and I have not had sex in over 9 years. This week he told me he is repulsed by me and cannot stand the thought of having sex with me. He is very controlling and everthing I do in life is wrong and or everything that goes wrong in our lifes is my fault. He never once takes my side when it come to his family or our children. He wont correct our children and lets them do anything they want but when I correct them, then he always interjects and blames me. He drinks out of control. I had to laugh the other night our comode actually got hung up and kept running water because the mechanisem got off track, and he actually came out accusing me that I did not know how to flush a commode. It is so funny that he is so stupid that someone does not know how to flush a damn commode. Just one little example of how he treats me. My like is exactly like the move Sleeping with the enemy, but mine is Sleeping with enemy with no sex. I have tried and I have stayed faithful to him. I have been thinking of ending my life because he has made me feel so terrible about myself. If it were not for my children I think I could do it today! I feel so helpless and also feel like there is nothing left for me in life. Trust me it is not the sex, it is they way he makes me feel with his verbal abuse. There have been times that I was not even in the house and my children tell me he goes off about blaming me for things I have nothing to do with and will not even be in the house. Both my children say they hate him. Do not know what to do with my current situation. Feeling simply doomed.
Why haven’t you left? Have you left yourself get fat and such? Were you overweight when you me and then lost a lot? If so, it’s your fault. One can’t expect a man to be attracted to his woman if she has changed from what he originally asked out. Appearances matter, chemistry and such, and a drastic change will make you a different person, one he would never have asked out to begin with. Whatever, that’s why a man or woman is repulsed by their spouse. Leave. it’s over. Why are you staying? Go back to school if you need to, find a good career to support yourself, and time it out to leave when you have your ducks in a row. That’s what I did.
I don’t know if anyone will see this know, since the last person wrote in 15, but here it goes. I am so moved by this article and forum because I am in the same boat. No children, but married almost 9 years and my husband isn’t interested in me about 3 years. He is military and discovered he was looking at a website. He said he was only looking what else is out there (wow). I researched further and saw he was trying to hookup. (This site was a very sketchy, he wasn’t going to meet anyone, but still). I am a very cute and smart person, I will never be the same. About to turn 42, is there really anyone that would want me. It is so sad because I used to have self-esteem, but feel totally sad now. UGH, read a lot of the comments on here, I can relate, the sad thing is the media always says the poor man that doesn’t get sex. Meanwhile, I think this post really related to women that are just discarded by men and have no clear answer of where to go!
I just happened to be the first to reply to you in 2016. I’m in tears at this moment poring through articles like this hoping to find a glimpse of hope for my own situation. We’re not married. We live together. It’s as if sex never occurs to him. He never approaches me for sex on his own. He often rejects my advances so I stopped making advances. We’re good friends, we get along well and have lots of fun. But not getting his attention somehow makes me feel less attractive and I have to fight to keep my self esteem up. I love him and I am faithful but I can’t see a future in a “pal” type relationship. I’ll wait and see if someone responds with some insight Cinnamon45. I hope your situation works out. I hope mine does too.
llewis, what are you waiting for. Are you hoping he will change and suddenly become interested in sex? If so, that isn’t going to happen. I waited 17 years, jumped through hoops and did everything in my power to get my ex interested. He had no interest in sex with me or, anyone else and certainly had little concern for how his rejection hurt me. Right before the divorce he finally told me, “I’ve never understood why everyone makes such a big deal out of sex, it’s something I can take or leave.” Some people are asexual, that’s just who they are and nothing is going to change that. Don’t make his problem yours to fix. He will be more than happy to let you dangle in the wind and hurt like hell as long as he doesn’t have to have sex. Find someone who wants ALL of you.
I agree.
All u women that are not getting screwed, its your man that has the problem. maybe hes gay. Maybe he does not have a strong sex drive. There are plenty of men out there that would screw u all in a red hot minute.
I know how you feel im 45 engaged getting married this year we been together over a year but he never makes love to me nor is he intamit in any other way he is only 41. I feel like im just a skivvy for him he never compliments how i look or smell he never takes me out unless its to his parents his sister or my son i feel like im a nothing , im a truly romantic person and love all the romance and sloppy stuff but i get no where in life im at a loss as to what to do im so unhappy im thinking of calling off the wedding .any advice would be grateful.
You didn’t say, but I’m assuming you have discussed this with him. There are a variety of reasons why he might not be initiating sex. Who knows, he might think you don’t want it, he may have been raised to believe that gentlemen don’t initiate, or he may just have a lower sex drive than you do. So be sure you talk to him about it. Tell him that it’s important to you. Tell him what you want and be specific. If he loves you, you may be able to work toward something that is more satisfying for both of you. If he refuses, or if he promises to change but never does, or if he makes you feel bad for having desires then you will know that this is a symptom of a larger problem. My spouse was a long time “false promiser” and guilt tripper. Don’t remain in a relationship that makes you unhappy.
I’m in the same situation. Together for 4 years. Married for 1. I’m in a sexless marriage. He also often rejects my advances. I’ve tried for the last 7 months. Eventually, I just stopped. It has definitely caused my self esteem to drop. I love him to death but I don’t see myself staying in this relationship.
I don’t know if I’m glad or sad to see that there are others like me, I’ve been together with my husband for 15 years 5 of those married, when we first got together we were young and I guess I didn’t want to come across as wanting sex in case he thought I was too foward, he then told me he thought he was impotent we still stayed together we eventually had a break and he went to see some specalists who told him there wasn’t anythign wrong with him. We got back together and got married I guess I always hoped that it would resolve itself.
We had some issues in the our marriage where I had an affair that he suspected something was up and he resolved to change, we had sex twice.. after that nothing again. I’m not terrible looking I keep fit yet I feel ugly from the constant rejection. I love him he’s funny and kind but in the same case I feel my best years have gone by wasted. I’m 36 now and I think its too late for me we don’t have kids and we probably never will. I try not to think about it really as it just gets too depressing. I’ve suggested councelling in the past but he’s not intrested. I guess I’ve just given up and accept that I’ll be in a sexless marriage now. It just makes me cry when I think of it so I try not to.
never give-up.
I’m going through a divorce right now for the same problem.
It’s never too late to find someone appreciate your beauty and love you for who you are.
If this is important to you, don’t resign yourself. I am in the midst of a divorce at 45. The lack of sex is one issue, but not the only one. I suspect that if you think deeply about your relationship, you can say the same thing. It may feel frivolous to end a marriage over a lack of sex, that you can’t justify it when other things are good. Dig a little deeper. Why will your husband not even entertain the idea that this is important to you? Lack of sex is a symptom in many cases, I suspect. I don’t know about you but I’ve got years ahead of me. I want to be with someone who wants me, respects me and loves me. A friend is not enough.
I was with my husband for 10 years, and for most of it the sex was unfulfilling. When it did happen, he would climax in about one minute (maximum!). He refused to talk about it, refused counselling, refused to try methods that would help and ultimately blamed it on me! I was miserable and frustrated. Then other parts of the marriage began to break down. I finally left him a few years ago and I am so happy that I did. I am in my forties and life is soooo good! My social life is way better than before, I have enjoyed some exciting and loving relationships and my self-esteem is sky-high. After leaving my husband, I realized how damaged my self-esteem was. I am so much happier being single. If you are in a sexless marriage (or one where the sex is awful and your partner refuses to address the issue), I urge you to think seriously about leaving. Yes, it’s scary being alone at first, but once you get over that you see that there is an exciting new beginning, a new chapter in life.
I am in the same situation, together for 13 years, marriage for 6. We are now going on 2 years with sex only once and it just felt very awkward to me, no intimacy at all. I am 36, we have three children 6 and under and I feel as though my low self-esteem and feelings of depression are affecting me as a parent. I have no idea what to do 🙁
I’m assuming you’ve discussed the issue with your husband. You next step is figuring out why you feel you aren’t worthy of better treatment and if you are willing to live with the situation for the rest of your life. If the lack of intimacy is too damaging, you have a right to divorce and find happiness with someone else. Especially if it is impacting your ability to parent your sweet children.
Yes, we have over talked the subject to the point where he now just gets defensive. I think that divorce is the choice that I am leaning towards for the sake of myself and children, however, the thought of divorcing someone over sex is haunting my mind. I just can’t get over how selfish that seems 🙁
Ask yourself a hard question. Is it really just about sex? If your husband has no physical dysfunction that prevents him from having sex with you, then it’s not just about sex. It’s about being with someone who willfully refuses your need for loving intimacy, and turns a blind eye to the damage this is doing to your self-esteem. It’s not just about sex. Sex is how the problem is being expressed. I’ve been there.
I am a male married 26 years but together as couple for 31 and I am in a sexless marraige these last 5 years. Totally, completely sexless. And I am the one refusing sex. And I am angry. Granted, I am a master at passive-aggressive behavior and our relationship is calm on the surface, but I am pissed off. It began as resentment. Years of sexual denial from my wife. Sex on her schedule, when she wanted it. But, resentment simmers a long time, then slowly, painfully turns to anger. Then there comes a moment of no particular importance or magnitude when a guy wakes up and says, “Now its time the shoe is on the other foot”. He takes bake his masculinity, he decides he has been been turned down for the last time, and he just says “No”. No reason, no explanation, just like he recieved no reasonable explanation for sexual denial over the decades of his marriage from his wife.
Now before you pull back in horror, and cast stones and arrows of disbelief, think about this. You are here writing in PAIN because of sexual denial from a spouse. Try that on for 25 years! Am i damaged? You bet. Am I fixable? MAybe. IS it the action of a loving spouse to do this to his wife? Well, let me answer with a question,”How loving were the previous 25 years?”
So, let me just say this. If your husband is off sex, think hard about all aspects of your relationship over the years. He may have had enough, and has taken back his masculinity in protest. Destructive? Yes. Self Destructive? Yes. Does it reflext the magnitude of his pain? You tell me.
HT, that is interesting. I hope you can explain to me how shutting down is taking back your masculinity? I don’t see being passive aggressive as being very masculine.
Two wrongs don’t make a right and it certainly doesn’t solve a problem. I was married to a passive aggressive who withheld sex from me. To this day, I have no idea what he was so pissed about. I never refused him sex, in fact, I used to be him for intimacy. I constantly asked what I was doing wrong, was it something about my behavior? His passive aggressive response…”no, I love everything about you.”
His inability to step up to the plate and honestly deal with the problems in our marriage destroyed our marriage. Are you any happier today than you were when she was refusing sex? You are covertly punishing her for hurting you but, are problems getting solved? Are you more interested in hurting her than having a good marriage?
Haven’t you only become part of the original problem and, wouldn’t you rather behave in a way that solves the problem instead of making the problem worse? You felt abused by her so to get back at her you are abusing her. It’s textbook cyclic abuse and it’s a bad trap to be caught up in. There are better ways to deal.
I have tried to reply but the server will not take my post. I will try again.
Cathy
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My husband and I are a month away from our 1st anniversary. Newlyweds… it’s our 2nd marriage…i’m middle 40’s and he’s starting his 50’s. i was careful during my divorced years to maintain my reputation and not destroy the value of sex in my eyes and therefore was completely excited to find a man who enjoyed me as much as I him in our early stages of love making. About 6 months in….things started changing, he began withdrawing with excuses – valid of course…so i overlooked and became emotionally strong for him as he hit some hard times….he proposed- i said yes, i was in love and just knew we’d pick up again down the road…. now married nearly a year and we only have sex when he initiates. i’ve given up. my self esteem is so damaged that i have sought medical help for antidepressants…. the last time he caressed me was on our honeymoon- or even explored my body. now we he initiates i feel as tho it’s a service and not out of sexual desire…. i’m dying inside. i’m head over heels in love with him and desire him….his sex drive before me was well noted amongst all who know him…. so it only leaves me doubting myself. im attractive, i work out, i don’t look like barbie or a victoria secret model, but i have never been treated this way….rather the opposite in my previous experiences…. i’m tired of hiding the tears….i’ve talked to him several times but it just doesn’t last…
ugh….faithful, lonely and crumbling on the inside
You say his sex drive was well noted amongst all who know them. How is that possible? Was he in long-term sexual relationships with these people? If not, they have no idea what his sex drive was or is like. He may have talked a big game to people but, talk isn’t anything, it’s just talk. So, don’t base your worth on what others who weren’t sexually involved on a long-term basis with him have to say. You say that you became emotionally strong for him but, now that it is time for him to become emotionally strong and work on this issue, he is taking no action. He is causing you grave pain due to his lack of interest in sex and is refusing to put himself out emotionally for you. Those two things tell you something very important…he isn’t as invested in your marriage as you are. And, he never will be. I lived what you are living for 17 years. Here is what I learned, he isn’t going to change, what you have now, is what you are stuck with. You have to decide if you can turn off the side of you that wants to be wanted emotionally and sexually or, if living with what you are living with is too much for you to deal with emotionally. Just know that, if you choose to stay, you do so not based on the hope that the situation will change but, based on the fact that you can live with the situation as is. Good luck!
It was noted due to both long term relationships and many short lived with women who have all tried to remain in his life….but since marriage have decided to back off. He was single for nearly 20 years, the list was long.
I admit his attention in the beginning was off the charts hot but I feel he’s bored or just no longer attracted to me since there’s no longer a challenge. I know if I stay I do so with resolve that I’ll never be seduced by him again or have that amazing chemistry we had in the beginning….I feel dooped. Outside of sex…he’s a great best friend-life partner….I just wish/pray for the romance/sex/love making to be there too. I want to feel wanted by him….
The thought of life without him is just as depressing as knowing it may never get better….
So when a man doesn’t want to have sex, he is “neglecting” the woman. But if a woman doesn’t want to have sex, it’s because her husband is a pervert and “that’s all he thinks about”. Do you see the double standard here?
You mention that a man denying sex is the cruelest thing he can do. I believe this is true, and that’s exactly why so many men are doing it these days. It is cruel, and you deserve every bit of it.
Women are 100% to blame, and you know it yet refuse to talk about it. Women have been trained since birth to use sex to manipulate men, and it goes into overdrive after marriage. Women want nothing other than complete power in the “relationship”, and so they deny sex to get what they want. Well, you’ve passed the point of no return. We are through with you. The aggrogance to think you can get away with decades of mistreating your husband! We are done, and we’re not coming back. Please do us a favor and dump us or file for divorce.
I am victim of sexless marriage since first week of my marriage up to now, i thought my wife love me so much but i think not..sometimes i want to die of feeling unlove..
“Nothing says dying marriage louder than a lack of sex” This is ridiculous. My wife and I haven’t had sex for 30 years and we are still together and doing fine. I started having sexual dysfunction problems with her even before we married. We got along well and decided to marry anyway. We spent the next 5 years going from therapist to therapist to to “fix” our problems which were caused by a lack of sexual desire (for her) on my part. Nothing worked so we just gave up and got on with our lives. We both masturbate alone when the need arises and although I’d love to seek sex outside the marriage I feel I owe it to her to remain faithful. Some people can be capatible in every way except sexually and if everything else is good why break up a family over sexual difficulties?
Well, it really isn’t ridiculous, Jim. Your story is unique and I thank you for sharing it. I can’t help but wonder what you’re doing on a divorce site though, if your marriage is so great. You are speaking for yourself and your satisfaction in your marriage but not on behalf of your wife. Nevertheless, again, I thank you for sharing your perspective.
Jim, you married a woman you had no sexual desire for? You selfishly decided that it was OK to rob her of a normal sex life with a man who could desire her? And, like Lisa, I have to wonder why you are reading an article about sexless marriage on a divorce website if you and your wife are “doing fine.” At least your wife knew what she was getting going in, that’s the only thing I’ll give you credit for.
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I agree with Jim I’ve been married 53 years and hadn’t had sex for almost 40 years. Were still together but only as property owners. She lives in the house and I live separately in my own area that has a shop, garage, and small living quarters. We don’t associate with each other. I had a hard time with sex and the wife’s demands , whining, hollering. She complained about the amount of sex and i complained on all her limitations she put on sex, can’t do this and that. She won’t try this and I’m disgusting for even thinking that.So I just gave up, I don’t need this garbage, and moved to my own area and also moved to the mid night shift. Purposely worked long hours and all the holidays and gave up my vacation. I had no time to think about women or sex, not gay or interested in other women just want to be by myself. I may be selfish but I don’t care. She could have left me I didn’t have a problem with that, I even told her to leave. I have no idea what she did all these years and I don’t care.
Me and my husband have been together since 1996. Been married since 1998. I’m 43 years old and always had female problems. My monthly was never normal. Like maybe every 2 years I would spot a little. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2010, followed by a hysterctomy. Had a thyroid ectomy in 2014. We started out with a VERY healthy sex life. In and around 2007, it started to slow down. But after my thyroidectomy, it’s nonexistent. I’ve tried talking to him about it. He has multiple excuses like it’s because he’s older, works all the time and is tired all the time. It has me feeling so undesireable, unattractive, disgusting, unwanted…unloved. We have been together 24 years! I know he loves me. And I’m so madly in love with him. He still gives me butterflies, like I’m a teenager again. But I long for him to want me, flirt with me, PDA’s, just touch me randomly. But we’re more like roommates instead of lovers.
I’ve been obese since puberty. Every health problem I’ve ever had was blamed on my weight. I was at my heaviest the day my doctor discovered my enlarged thyroid and goiters. . I was 486 pounds. I have lost 110 pounds since then. My body doesn’t look anything like I imagined. My stomach “apron” hangs so low. Èxtra flabby skin. My breasts were the first thing to go when I started losing weight. They’re so flat and hang so low. I’ve got another 100 pounds to lose before I qualify for skin removal surgery. If I can see how disgusting I am, I can only imagine how turned off and repulsed he is. But my sex drive is back and I’m intimately lonely. It’s the most awful feeling in the world.
I should also add that I have PTSD. It doesn’t help the matter. He knows how I feel. He kissed me, like a REAL kiss, today. I don’t remember the last time we shared a kiss like that. And the worse part…I don’t remember what sex feels like. I don’t know if I would know what to do if the occasion did arise. I mean, I KNOW what sex is all about. But I wouldn’t know what to do to get it started (if that makes any kind of sense to anyone). And I am pretty sure I’d be embarrassed for him to see me fully nakes. He hasn’t seen me fully naked in years! I’ve lost hope, faith and I’m losing my mind… HELP!!! PLEASE.
Hi Jennifer, it sounds like there’s still a spark there for both of you. I would recommend professional assistance through a therapist who specializes in sex. Give it a try. You can start by seeing your family doctor and they can recommend some therapists for you. Be specific in what kind of therapy you are looking for. Good luck.
Sounds good. I’ll try because divorce isn’t an option and my conscience is too strong to cheat.
100% you don’t realize how important sexual compatibility is until your left “starving” but then you find out after 11 years and two kids your wife is a narcissistic psychopath and all the times she rejected you sexually intellectually financially was because she was banging someone else… only to read her emails giving her lover exactly what you want and desire every day from her… then when you draw the line in the sand she leaves files divorce and never speaks to you again denying closure then provoking you to act out so she can get a DVPO and tell you your never going see your kids again if you don’t give me what I want in this settlement but you know if you do she will always have that grip of control on you so you tell her eat a D*** if someone is using withholding to punish you or is too immature to have a real conversation leave there ass immediately idc if it took you 15 years to figure it out ONCE YOU KNOW YOU GO