A couple of weeks ago, I wrote that we decided to rent out our big house with the big monthly nut and move into a smaller rental. What I sidestepped in that admission was the news that Atticus and I are getting a divorce.
I’m not going to delve into the reasons. Some of them involve circumstances that frequently bring down a second marriage: issues involving exes and stepchildren, big issues that come between partners and keep a blended family from truly blending.
Unlike my first divorce, this one is amicable. Atticus and I still care about each other and simply recognized that, in our desire to make the family we hadn’t made in our previous marriages, we convinced ourselves that we were more compatible than we are.
So far the kids are basically all right. Kevin misses Franny, and is actually sleeping over at our townhouse this weekend. Because Luca lived with his dad for a year, then spent a year-and-a-half in residential treatment, he doesn’t share the same history of being part of our blended family. Franny, in her typical Franny way, has taken the whole thing in stride, her biggest beef being the beige wall-to-wall carpet in her bedroom that doesn’t go with her turquoise-and-black color scheme.
Still, the example of a second divorce was not one I wanted to set for my children. And, truth be told, my first divorce still haunts me. Growing up feeling painfully self-conscious of being the adopted child of older middle-class parents, tacked on to a family that never quite felt like a family, I craved the trappings of the large, affluent clans I grew up around, the trappings that seemed Rockwellian and normal: a big house, a pool filled with raucous neighborhood kids, summer vacation homes to visit year after year with my future husband and children.
All of that I had with Prince. But sparkly externals don’t make a marriage real, or healthy. Now I find myself wondering about this next chapter of my life, and fending off the embarrassment of a second marriage that didn’t stick.
Most people in my family aren’t divorced once, let alone twice. I do have a very glamorous debutante cousin Alex who had a psychotic break and hired a hitman to kill her first husband. Luckily for her first husband, the hitman turned out to be an undercover FBI agent. Amazingly, after my cousin got out of jail, her husband took her back. Yes, really. Still, she divorced him, and married a second husband, then divorced him too.
So when I sit with the reality of my second marriage ending, I try not to compare myself to cousin Alex. Or people on the Jerry Springer show.
Last night, I e-mailed a friend from college and told him about my latest divorce. He responded in his typical witty, gracious and insightful way with an anecdote about a friend now on her fourth marriage. The last time he saw her, he said, he kidded her that she was “always a bride, never a bridesmaid.”
Which cracked me up. And told the spectre of shame that’s been trailing me to go shoo.
Certainly a second (or third, or fourth divorce) is nothing to be trivialized. But there’s no reason to vilify those of us who have marched down the aisle more than once. I clearly have some work to do figuring out how I got myself here again, but I hope to do that without self-flagellation.
Not sure if I’ll be a bride again, at least while I have kids at home, but I do hope to move forward embracing life with hope, gusto, and a sense of humor.
Longtime reader, first time commenter. I love your writing, enjoy your blog, and think you are both a marvelous mother and truly lovely person. Thanks for your candor, your honesty, and for inspiring me to be a little bit braver.
Long time reader, and, just sorry to hear that you are going through changes again. They are all hard. Made harder when people outside the situation judge. Best of luck.
Is Prince going to rub your nose in this, or does he even notice these things?
So far he’s said very little. But there is always calm before the storm.
Just getting caught up here.
You seem to be doing well, and I hope that is how things are. I wish you the best. Marriage is a complicated thing.
Pregnant at sixteen, I loathed the idea of being forced into marriage, then later regretted that I hadn’t gone ahead and done it. When I did finally marry, the man I thought would be the last person on earth to cheat did exactly that. I don’t understand how any marriage survives. Now there’s a man I love dearly, but I have no desire to marry him.
You seem to be proceeding gracefully. Take care.
Sorry to hear about this big change in your life, but glad to hear you and Atticus are moving forward amicably. Reach out to more people like your college friend and let them love you right now. Even if it’s been a while since you caught up. Sometimes when I feel panicky and scared and like a big old loser, I just call one of my friends and ask them to pep talk me. I do it for them, they do it for me. Sometimes we’re just lying to one another, but god it feels good to have someone who is willing to just laugh at and with you and remind you that you are going to make it.
You are going to make it!
It’s wonderful when you find someone who speaks your language.
You are going to make it, I agree.
I hope you don’t spend too much time being upset with yourself. I’m sad for you both, mostly because I imagine that your previous divorce made everything so cloudy. It’s hard to know what you want or need when your idea of what you thought you wanted/needed ended so badly (with Prince). But, from my obviously limited view, I see a lot of growth. You found someone who you were able to amicably part with and someone with whom you can maintain a friendship. The romance didn’t work out, but the parting did. I wish you the best.
Thanks, Brandy.
Weirdly enough, I thought about you suddenly and randomly this morning. And here you are. I’m snding love and peace to you, wise woman.
Well that sucks, I’m sorry. We dive in, take chances and that’s good, right? Knowing there are no guarantees and doing it anyway is a sign of bravery in a world where making marriage work is hard. I’m glad you are getting a healthier experience this time…but wish you didn’t have to.
I’m grieving for you. You sound like you have reframed it to see the positives and you certainly sound strong but I know it has to hurt like hell. I don’t see how any second marriages make it with all of the outside stressors and I am glad my lover lives 1000 miles away at this point, just to keep me from doing something silly, like thinking I should try again. BTW, every time I feel like a failure in my family I can always pull out 2 aunts and a first cousin that have been married 3 times a piece! But Cousin Alex is a warning to think better of a hit man! I’m sending you peaceful and healing thoughts.
My father has been married 3 times. The third is a charm. He finally was able to be himself.
We see each of these marriages as an adventure, not as failures. Wanting to love someone, and wanting to be loved is natural. You deserve to find peace and be happy. I am sending you peace,
No stories or words of wisdom or comfort. I just wish you and your family well.
While I’m sorry to hear that your second marriage has ended, I’m glad to hear that you are parting amicably. I know you’re going to be just fine – I hear your strength in your words.
i’m am so sorry. i know how hard it is to make it work in a “new” blended family. I too have one and at times it is so hard. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your journey with us. you never sugar coat things and most people that have not walked our path have no idea the challenges we face. staying close to people that share my experiences save my life everyday. keep writing and keep your spirits up, you’re worth it. you’re a trail blazer and it’s often hard to be first. peace to you during this time of transition. marnie
I’m so sorry
But, I too have heard that the 3rd time is a charm- the first marriage is a reaction to your Family Of Origin. Second is a reaction to the first. And the third is finally the one you should have been in the whole time! xoxo
Ii’m sorry to hear about your pending divorce but happy to hear it’s amicable. No need for shame, second marriages are more challenging than the first for those reasons you mention. Your awesome attitude will get you through.
I’m so sorry for you, really I am. And I know you’ll be able to move forward. I have no doubt. I’ve learned that much about you from reading your blog. However, since I don’t you personally, I must say that I’m really writing you because I’m so upset. I’ve been following you and using you as a role model to help me through my own rough time. I had pinned so much hope and faith in your story. I’m blindsided – yet again, first, my own divorce, and now yours. If it doesn’t work for you, how can it work? You who were so brutally honest and open with us and yourself. What does that mean you weren’t compatible enough? As awful as this sounds, I feel as if I need all the details in order to know I can do it “better”. Only because this is so anonymous can I be so horrible and selfish right now. I know it really isn’t about me, and I thank you for sharing. But I can’t be the only one who has been using you as an anchor and guidepost through this horrible thing to now feel as if everything has been put into question again. Did you know how much influence you have and how much support you gave through your blog?
I am so sad for you, as I’m certain that your words hide a grief beyond words. But I also believe that you, Franny, and Luca will ultimately be okay. I am hopeful that you will find that the next chapters reveal many wonderful surprises, and that you will find yourself happier than you imagined possible. I wish you all the best.
Well — thank you for telling me my blog has been an anchor for you. But I’m just human. with my own particular set of frailties. I’m not going to go into more details here, except to say that I think Atticus and I both wanted a family structure so much that we tried to force something that really wasn’t meant to be over the long haul. I certainly wouldn’t let my story discourage you from having a successful second marriage.
Amen!! For those of us that have been a bride more times than a bridemaid! :>)
http://aroundeverycornerat.blogspot.com/2013/02/all-4-in-1-judging-spiritual-abuse.html
Please visit…I just posted a new series. Blessings!!
Pauline, I’m sorry for your heartache but want you to hold your head up high. The focus on the ‘second divorce’ is misplaced – the emphasis should be on the fact that you entered, and now exited, a healthy relationship on amicable terms. Ie. You didn’t do anything you didn’t want to or had to do. Your kids will, I’m sure, respect you for this as you should respect yourself. Sometimes, we want something so badly that we lose sight of why we wanted it in the first place. And, if anyone gives you grief, let it roll off you. Hang in there, girl! ~Dr. LL
Thank you for your support, Dr. LL!
I’m sorry to hear about this. I wish you all the best.
“… fending off the embarrassment of a second marriage that didn’t stick.”
Are you kidding? Don’t you know? You are an inspiration to those who know you, and a teacher to so many– whose names you will never know– through your writing. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.
Hope springs eternal. I’m hoping you are experiencing the peace of not having to stressfully struggle, daily, hourly, to blend a family that can’t be blended anymore.That sounds about as fun as beating your head against a wall, repeatedly. Thank you for your honesty. I know this was tremendously hard for you, to admit to yourself and to your readers. Thank you for sharing your humanity with us, as you always have done. My second marriage is working, not perfectly, but very, very well, and I am my husband’s third wife. Perhaps three (from his side) is a charm. It is so bizarre how we project our image of perfection onto those we are attracted to, only to tear our hair out when they ultimately fall miserably short of that image,and vice-versa. You have probably learned this lesson very thoroughly now! My husband is much older than I. If he passes away and I still have lots of years ahead of me for a third time around, I don’t know if I want to marry, or just try to find someone to be my “Boyfriend” forevermore. I’d be so afraid of them not accepting me and my domestically-challenged ways as well as my current husband does. My first husband was highly critical of me. I’d be afraid I’d drive a new guy crazy. Or maybe I’d just get a “Companion” like Jackie O. I guess taking it slow and getting strong and complete as a single woman is your job, now.
xo hockeymama
Aw, thanks, Susan. Your comment means a lot to me.
Well divorce sucks, no matter which one we’re on! So regardless the circumstances, I know it is sad and hurtful and touched with shame and shades of failure. Do we get better with each one? I’d like to think we make better choices, but personally, my second divorce was worse than the first! Pray tell did I not learn something? Feel guilty admitting this, but thank you so much for sharing your life here…I see a woman who has it all together and she too made a wrong turn again in life and it’s choices and feels those same feelings. Misery loves company thinking, but you have shown courage and “get thyself up woman” thinking and that makes it a little bit easier for us with that “D” on our forehead…twice!
I SO wish we could sit down for a drink sometime!! Our lives are so similar. I divorced husband number 3 (verbal abuse, narcissist, etc.) two years ago. I completely understand marrying someone and finding out you’re really not compatible (husband #2). It has taken me 43 (tomorrow!) years to become the woman I was meant to be. Do I ever want to get married again? No. Will I? Who knows. My 10 year old daughter wants me to since she’s never been a flower girl.
Things happen for a reason, whether we know them or not. I know you’re emabarrassed right now – I was, too. But keep your head held high and know without a doubt that you are not alone! And no one – NO ONE – can know your life like you do. And may I repeat – you are not alone!!!
reading the replies brought something to mind that i must share. people inspire us in hard times, not because they have figured a way to transcend their circumstances, but because they have managed to stay hopeful and optimistic in spite of hardship. i have followed your story since my very painful and hostile divorce, mainly because you helped me to see that i wasn’t alone. the shame of divorcing with young children still bites, but it’s the fantasy of the happily ever after that i’d imagined that i work to let go of. mid point last year i realized that my current partner, my kids, his kids, my friends, my family – everyone was tired of hearing me complain about about my ex. and the fighting was making me physically sick. so i stopped. i let go of all the money owed me. i stopped engaging in the drama. stopped the court proceedings. simply i let go. instead i started to really focus on me in the here and now AND started getting out of myself by reaching out to women struggling like me. i can honestly say that for the first time i’m just one among the crowd, no ego, no expectations, no false gods, no perfect life. and what i do have that is good, i wake up grateful for everyday. we all have ups and downs and nothing stays static. sometimes the universe is on our side and we have a blissful ride, but there will always be bumps. it’s how we embrace our bumps and others who bump along right beside us, that highlights our emotional evolution.
Go Pauline, and go Susan! … holding up a beacon for others doesn’t preclude you yourself from an occasional tumble. So now you do what we all do: get up, dust off, glance around furtively to see who saw, then grin sheepishly and continue on your way. lol. But you’re not doing that; you’re putting it out there. That takes courage, humility, and integrity – the stuff beacons are made of. Cheers! (oh, and what amazing, pithy friends you must have)
I do have the pithiest friends, don’t I, TG?
I think you are very brave to try again at marriage after going through such a difficult first marriage and high conflict divorce. No regrets for trying again even though it didn’t work. Not trying would be the big mistake. Hope the third one is the charm!
Pauline I just saw this article on the top five regrets of the dying. Number 1? “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” Don’t worry about what others think, it’s a waste of time!
http://www.alternet.org/5-top-regrets-people-have-end-their-lives
Oh, that’s awesome! I will try to keep that in mind.
Pauline, you have been an anchor to a lot of women who have found you when they were going through their own personal hell, I know you have been one to me. During my most painful moments, finding and reading the thoughts of other women who have had their lives ‘go on’ after divorce, whether they are in another relationship, marriage, or not, helped me to see that the sun would come up and I could be a good parent, woman, friend even though my life was changing in such a significant way. I am sorry for your sadness but admire for your strength and courage.
Thanks, Pennie. THat means a lot to me.
Penelope Trunk is wrong. Her article is breathtakingly myopic.
Abuse is NOT 50/50.
Not when the motherfucker is 6 foot 4 and 230 pounds to his wife’s 5 foot 3 and 105, or the two little girls less than half his size and weight.
Not when he flips out over the garbage not having been taken to the curb and beats the 14-year-old year old unconscious after she’s just come home from her 40-hour-per-week (summer months) janitorial job he forced her to get while he refused to lift a finger to support the household.
Not when he slips into a fugue state and threatens to beat the 14-year-old with a fistful of coathangars for no apparent reason other than he’s completely in-fucking-sane.
Not when he beats the 10-year-old with a belt for the heinous infraction of not making her bed or some other twisted reason in his twisted logic.
Not when he beats the mother at night and the girls hear the hits and the whimpers and the thumps and the silence.
Penelope Trunk is wrong and her so-called ‘facts’ about divorce are bullshit and her opinions are irrelevant to no other situation than her own.
* * *
Apologies for the rant. Your situation is different. Each situation is different.
Thank you for sharing this most difficult time with all of us. We care.
*meant to write: “… relevant to no other situation than her own.” But I was pissed off and there isn’t an “oops” option.
Pauline, I’m sorry to hear the news, but happy that everyone is ok. I’m sure its a difficult time, but every marriage is different and there’s no way for anyone but you to know what is right. Good luck, sending you positive thoughts!
Oh, I’m so sorry to hear! Sending you thoughts and positive vibes. All the best to you!
You should think of yourself as courageous to try marriage again after such a rough first divorce. Thoughts and prayers to you!
Lee, I think Penelope Trunk jumped the shark long ago. I don’t read her anymore. It is either giving extreme opinions to get readers or she is mentally ill, not just Aspergers. JMO. Scary to think of people taking as truths those sort of 50/50 comments.
I can still see my husband and my daughter locking horns shortly after our wedding. She gave me a “smart” answer and he tried to correct her. She attacked him with her fingernails and drew blood and he threw a purple sponge at her. That was 13 years ago. He’s still my husband. She’s still my daughter. And the two of them now, genuinely, care for each other. He’s husband #last…and #4–if anything happens to him, I’ll be a merry widow, but I will never marry again. The other three…(1) cheater,(2) deceased, (3) narcissist/cheater. Yes. It’s embarrassing. When people talk about divorce or how many times someone has been married, I used to get very quiet because I knew there was a huge scarlet D on my forehead. I had to ask my father not to include the full list of suspects on our family genealogy chart. But you know what? It doesn’t really matter what other people think. I am who I am and I’m a good mother, a good sister, a good daughter, a good friend. And the only people who count are those that love me–and they don’t care how many times I’ve been married. And that includes my husband (I’m his #2.) I’m so sorry your second marriage is over, but it sounds like your relationship will go on–just in a different direction. That’s something to be proud of.
Lee, my heart breaks when I read your comment. I’m so sorry you’ve been through that hell. I don’t know who this know it all Penelope Trunk is but I won’t waste my time on her. I hope you are healing and away from the nightmare.
I have no wisdom here. Just sending you love and peace. Keep your head up – As you said in one of the comments here, you’re human. We all are. You do the best you can each day. As I come out of my own divorce, I can see how easily this can happen, the wanting to fix the wrongs of the previous marriage, and having so many factors in the mix to make it all come together. You haven’t given up – You and Atticus had the guts to try. That’s a victory.
Penelope Trunk wrote an incendiary blog post about divorce, and how divorced people are all selfish and mentally ill. She understandably drew some ire over that one, especially since she used her theory to justify staying in a marriage where she was being physically abused. She even showed a photo of herself, naked, with a bruise on her hip.
Holy Sidestepper there! Didn’t even cross my mind, honestly.
I actually have a thing against say “sorry” when someone announces they are going through a divorce, especially if they also mention the divorce is amicable or in other cases is something desperately need/want. So no sorries for you.
I think you’re a smart cookie and a talented one too. So I’m sure you’ll also get over that whole second divorce guilt/shame sooner than later. That guilt/shame thing is a huge reason why I’m against me ever getting married again.
Glad you’re doing as ok as you can with all this hope it stays that way. Wonder what doors will open for you now?
Another 3-timer here. I’ve seen the stats on 2nd, 3rd and more marriages. I don’t know why we think we gonna be part of the successful 10-40%, and yet we do. For me #1-starter marriage, no kids. #2-death, 2 kids #3-abusive cheater, no kids together but 5 between the two of us. I was just devastated with the divorce from #3. I was/am ashamed that I put my daughters through the experience. I can’t see any positive lessons from it, so I don’t think I’ve learned anything. Does this mean I’m doomed to repeat it? I grieved my singleness for months, but I think I’ve come to peace with it. I really, truly wanted a great man in my life who could be a good dad, but I’ve come to realize I’m just going to have to be a great, human mom. Who takes her daughters to counseling!
You know what’s been difficult? As my 16 year old begins dating, I’ve realized I am SO cynical about men. I try not to let it affect anything I say to her, but I wonder how much slips out. Hopefully, I can be an example about how NOT to do relationships, and they will go on to have success in that area. I pray that every day.
Congrats to you. Yes, you read that right: Congrats. It’s clear you and Atticus are in a reasonably good place (as good as possible, that is), and you’re writing about it and healing. That deserves major kudos, brave woman!
I’m sending endless good juju your way. I hope you feel it!
XOXO,
Mikalee
I’m beginning to think that the word ‘marriage’ is the problem. There’s no problem in separating or splitting up, but if you’re married and get divorced – out come the labels. Gay civil unions are OK – gay marriages are not. Ridiculous. Time for romantic partnerships or something different that doesn’t carry the freight of marriage. Then divorce won’t carry it’s negative freight either.
Onward, Pauline – head held high!
Penelope Trunk is an attention whore who will write anything, absolutely anything, to get hits and traffic.
Hugs, Pauline.
One of my many mantras is this: “Every day we are doing our best. Some days that best is better than others.” Remember that as the emotions from this most recent experience ebb and flow, and try not to be too hard on yourself.
Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of your hopes, dreams, and expectations of what was to be with Atticus, but continue to pick your head up and smile. Embrace those Happy Happens Moments, and know that in ending this relationship with kindness and consideration, you are giving your children (and yourself!) one of the greatest gifts they will ever receive…
How is a second marriage supposed to work when all you do is write about your first marriage? It sounds as if you are still yearning for the lifestyle you had with prince. I couldn’t imagine being married to someone who goes on and on about their ex husband and how life was back then.