My friend Miranda and I have the impossible jobs of “co-parenting” with aVIP Ex. To offset the gut-punch of receiving incendiary texts and e-mails from our VIPs, we send each other the offending messages to get moral support and also some been-there chuckles. Because, underneath the toxic veneer of these missives, lies a kind of thinking so tangled that that laughter is the only sane response.
Here is a text message Miranda recently sent me after her ex picked up her son for a weeklong trip. Keep in mind, as you read this, that her offense was to give her son his favorite stuffed animals to take to his dad’s house.
The stuffed animals are now in a bag hidden in my closet.
Our son has his own things here, including toys, stuffed animals and games.
You are babying and traumatizing Sam through your relentless efforts to be inserted into my life and provide him with many stuffed animals. Sam is 8 and cries about the latest stuffed animal. It is ridiculous that you would torture him at pick up this evening by demanding that he take his stuffed animal with him.
Sam is safe and will be better off not being tortured by your creating disputes and problems and trying to interfere with my time with him.
This text reminded me of an e-mail Prince set me in 2003, so I sent it to Miranda, hoping the amusement would take the sting off the mishigas that had just been dumped on her head.
Prince wrote this after I dropped off Luca for a holiday trip. I had neglected to provide Luca’s Elmo carry-on suitcase, assuming that Prince would use one of his own suitcases, as he had kept all the luggage in the divorce settlement. So bear in mind, as you read this, that the reason for this tirade was the fact that I assumed Prince would use his own carry-on for his own trip.
I am shocked and appalled by your complete lack of understanding and sensitivity to the needs of your children.
The more I discover, the more I question your ability to parent.
For someone entering the field of psychotherapy, this is especially disturbing.
I now know why Luca’s emotional well-being may be in danger — and it’s due to your parenting!
You destroy Luca’s pride, you cause him embarrassment, you make him angry, you make him frustrated, you totally derail a six-year-old boy so that YOU can maintain some bizarre psychotic upperhand in a material possession game that is in your head.
To put your obsessive nature before the needs of your children is despicable!
Now I know why he is SO angry with you! I can’t believe you treat him this way!
I am so disgusted and saddened for our children in your care, it makes me sick.
After Miranda read this, her response was: “Do they use the same ghostwriter?”
How VIP Exes Are Like Internet Trolls
It occurred to me, after reading both our VIP correspondences, that VIP Exes are like Internet Trolls.
Projecting Unowned Parts of Themselves
Like trolls, VIP exes tend to project unowned aspects of themselves onto another person. Miranda’s ex accused her of “relentless efforts to be inserted into my life” when in fact he has gone to great lengths to insert himself into her life, i.e. giving her money for a carpet cleaner because he didn’t like the dog smell in her house. In my case, Prince accused me of “some bizarre psychotic material possession game” when his life is primarily about acquiring property: in our divorce settlement, he finagled both our houses and most of the stuff in the houses.
The Disinhibition Effect
The distance created by electronic devices spurs VIP Exes and Trolls to let loose in a way that they never would to your face. Troll expert John Suler PhD likens this to “a blind catharsis, an acting out of unsavory needs and wishes without any personal growth at all.”
Grandiosity
Both VIPs and Trolls share this classic trait of narcissism. Both believe that they hold The Truth about the person they’re attacking and they have the right to point out said person’s errant ways — in the nastiest, below-the-beltiest way possible.
No Matter What You Do, You Can’t Win
I have blogged on web sites that attract trolls in droves: Good Men Project, Salon, and Huffington Post in particular. And what I’ve noticed about the cyber-stones thrown at me and at other bloggers, is that what you say really doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how benign your point is, or even what your point is. Trolls don’t need a legitimate reason to attack you because they’re driven to find fault.
For instance: Miranda’s ex went bezerk because she gave him her son’s stuffed animals to take to his house, thinking her son would want them. Prince had a conniption because I didn’t lend him my son’s carry-on, thinking he would use his own carry-on (as he had kept all the luggage) and also trying to maintain boundaries.
I honestly believe that if Miranda had I had made the opposite choice — keeping the lovies and lending the carry-on — our exes would have attacked us for different reasons.
Because it’s not about us. It’s about them.
Mine might not be a VIP, farthest thing from it really. But over the years I have made a game of trying to figure out how he is going to blame me for what went wrong… because after all he is always the victim and as such he can do no wrong. Over the years I’ve gotten pretty good at it and turned it into a game, and I must say the last time the sh!! hit the fan I was a bit disappointed he didn’t play along… oh well maybe next time.
That’s a whole lotta crazy. My ex has moments, but he usually regrets and recants, mostly because I can be fierce and he does care about what I think of him. Mostly, it’s the amazing hyperbolic tone I find incredible; who extrapolates the lack of an Elmo suitcase with ruining a six year old? Just collect the emails in case they’re needed by a judge or lawyer. And hang tough, Miranda.
Excellent points Pauline. I’ve experienced similar attacks in the past and usually the accusation is a reflection of either their fear or their own behavior. You’re right you can’t win. I think minimum contact is the best solution. I have to admit I sent some nasty emails back in response to some of the nonsense and it usually silenced him. Reading this post reminds me of the pain of the past. I’m through it now for the most part but so many women go through this and I guess men do too (When the shoe is on the other foot) so you’re providing important support for people in knowing they’re not alone.
Hmmm, jut wondering. Considering how crazy your ex’s are, would communicating about a possible issue help everyone, especially your child. For example, suppose you asked your ex if he needed the suitcase for your son instead of assuming that he won’t need it because he kept the luggage from the divorce. I understand that would make more work on the women’s end and maybe you think that it isn’t fare but wouldn’t it be worth it if it provides less stress and anxiety for your children?
Good point but in my case my ex has no boundaries and will give intricate orders so I keep contact to a minimum…in his case it’s not about my kids, it’s about treating me like the help. Also, the example I gave was from a scenario right after the divorce. It’s not about trying to keep things fair, it’s about reducing contact to preserve sanity.
This is the story of my life! Projection, VIP narc, even the phrasing used. Wow.
They must have the same ghostwriter
God, this really helps me to hear that other people go through this, though I hate it for you guys. Just last month, my VIP accused me of neglecting my son and putting his life in danger because he didn’t take his inhaler for one day, which led to him unloading on me. I stood up for myself and he wrote back (always needing the last word) with a link to the horrible things that can happen when a steroid inhaler is abruptly stopped, and another link that was a bullies website which he pointed out describes me. Hmmm… weird. I felt like I was the one being bullied. I am not allowed to send any of my son’s stuff over to their house that comes from our house. If I do, it comes back sealed up tight in plastic as if it contains some sort of contaminant. I was even told not to buy him shoes because I get the wrong kind and they don’t like them. My VIP actually told the court, the guardian, me and anyone who will listen whenever he has the opportunity what a “special” relationship he and my son have and that he actually loves him more than anyone else. He told my mom during our custody talks that if it were up to me, my son would have never won a science fair, he wouldn’t play piano or be able to go to lessons, etc. It’s like I’m in the corner drooling and unconscious or something. It’s so frustrating and weird! How was I ever married to this guy???
Anyway, you are my sanity… you made me aware that I was not alone and so while these posts make me shake my head and hurt that anyone should endure this stuff, it helps me to know that this kind of behavior exists and that my situation maybe isn’t quite as weird and special as I thought it was which is a relief even though I don’t understand it.
Your ex is a doozy, Hilarie! These guys always have to be spinning someone out, and when you have children with them, it’s very hard to stay out of the crosshairs.
I’ve laughed until I am now crying. I see my ex in this. My children are grown, I’m out of the line of fire and can look back and see the humor in my ex’s insanity. His wheels never stopped spinning!
His attacks came via email and snail mail. He always felt the need to reinforce what he sent in email with a newspaper clipping or magazine clipping. There was always a yellow post-it with, “this is you” stuck to the clippings. He worked very hard at putting me in my place.
My ex had to behave the way he did. Without his narcissism and self-deception the man would have jumped off a bridge. That kind of crazy isn’t survivable if you have to own it.
Oh, the post-it and news clipping is priceless, Cathy!
It’s always about them, Pauline. Men are raised to believe they are the center of the Universe.
I don’t think every man is — but I think rich white male privilege left unchecked can do an ungodly amount of damage.
Without wishing to be sexist, I encountered this in many many contact cases when in practice and it was as you say a certain kind of man who could not let go of some element of control. They were so demanding and pernickity and inflexible. They don’t listen to the kids, they blame their lawyers when the case does not go their way and someone is always to blame for their plight. Well written and so true.
That’s really interesting to get that feedback from someone in the family law profession. I can imagine how difficult it must be to work with that kind of client. And I love the use of “pernickity”! Haven’t heard that word in a long time.
A great post, thank you. In view of a comment about this being a “rich white male” syndrome, I would like to flag that the three people I know of who act exactly like this are two poor white males and a poor white female. Until I read your post I hadn’t known of any rich people who did it! But it seems that anyone can find a reason to feel entitled (in the cases of the people I know, it’s aggravated perhaps by feeling entitled as well as disenfranchised), so the behavior is unfortunately not limited to any one group.
Good point, Anna — and you’re right, the issue comes down to a lack of empathy, which is a character defect that is not confined to one social class.
“Both believe that they hold The Truth about the person they’re attacking and they have the right to point out said person’s errant ways — in the nastiest, below-the-beltiest way possible.” Amen to that!! I totally relate and am feeling so relieved and uplifted to hear exact words and situations that so closely resonate with my own experiences. My ex told my babysitter (the girls only went there on their weeks with me because he had his mom as a caregiver on their weeks with him) that “K steals the clothes that I have bought the children” and proceeded to drop by weekly, go through the children’s things, and take them. INcluding socks and underwear. These were, of course, not items of clothing from his house, because the children have two wardrobes, two coats, two pairs of boots, two snowboards, two bikes, etc. because he will not share, or let anything go back and forth between their two houses. My babysitter went along with this, and as a result of having an in with her and then her husband, who is a Professor at the University my ex is an executive at, he managed to get the babysitter to fire me as a client. She informed me that “we are increasingly uncomfortable at the stories J has shared, and we can no longer work with you. I wish you well and hope you will start to put your children’s best interest at the forefront of your thoughts.” This was a daily occurrence, weaseling in, getting an audience with his “I’m a good and concerned dad and just looking out for my children.” routine. It was unbelievable. Then he would call me and laugh, and remind me yet again, “I told you if you divorced me I would destroy your life. I am that powerful.” huh. Interesting.