Two summers ago, a couple of burly escorts woke my then out-of-control son at 4 a.m. and transported him to wilderness camp.
He remained there for nine weeks, hiking and pitching a tent and making his own food and on occasion trying to escape through the sagebrush that led to more sagebrush, until his explosiveness had racheted down enough for him to transition to a residential treatment facility.
There were several months, months when he railed against every rule and intervention, when I didn’t know if he would ever come home. I thought he might have to stay in a therapeutic setting through high school.
This morning, just two years after the start of that ordeal, I dropped Luca off at the bus that would take him to summer camp.
A regular summer camp. The kind where kids swim and waterski and play paintball and put on talent shows. He will be there for a month. And he will be a CIT (counselor-in-training).
I honestly believe that wilderness camp was a kind of walkabout, an Aboriginal custom in which boys venture alone into the wild, and if they make it back, they return as young men. I think some kids need that kind of ritual to transition to a successful adolescence. And I can say, without a sliver of hyperbole, that Luca’s modern-day walkabout saved his life.
* * *
Two years ago, I sat in a parent workshop, sobbing along with other parents who wondered if their kids were beyond saving. This morning, I stood at the bus stop with parents who sobbed at the thought of not seeing their kids for a few weeks.
Those were the parents of young kids. Those of us with older kids were kind of looking forward to a break. Or, as one joyous dad whooped as the buses drove out of the parking lot: “We’re free!”
Free is a good word for how I felt this morning. Free of the weight of indescribable anxiety. Free of the agony that cloaked years of a divorce-induced ruptured relationship with my oldest child.
Luca and I are back to a relatively normal mother-son dynamic now. Everything I do provokes eye-rolling and embarrassed winces.
“You want me to go, don’t you?” I asked Luca, as throngs of kids walked to the buses.
“You can do what you want, Mom,” he said.
I wanted to follow him to the bus, but I was stopped by a mother who asked me to take a picture of her and her son. When I was done, I turned around to look for Luca, but he had disappeared into the crowd.
I walked along the line of buses, staring into windows, hoping to find him. But the sky was overcast, and the windows were too dark to see into.
I walked back to my car and was about to take off, when I heard a text come through on my phone.
Where are you? Luca texted.
Which bus r u on? I texted back.
Closest to the check in.
I hurried to the last bus in line. Luca walked down the steps and grinned sheepishly as he held his arms out.
“Love you, Mom.”
“Love you too, honey.”
He shook my hand for good measure and climbed back onto the bus.
I took my place in the crowd of parents outside the bus windows, waving to their kids.
Luca looked out the window a few times, giving me a cool-dude nod as I smiled and waved.
I watched the bus pull out of the driveway, and I wondered how it was possible that this kid, who just two years ago was a raging mess, had morphed into a young man responsible enough to be a counselor to little kids.
I think it was wilderness camp. And the winding-down of a hellacious divorce. Maybe a developmental lag that he outgrew. It doesn’t matter how it happened, really. It just matters that it did.
Today, I’m thankful that my son went to summer camp.
So happy for both of you!! xo
This brings tears to my eyes, Pauline. This young men have such a tough time of it these days–so tough sometimes they have to go through their own ring of fire to straighten out. It’s a huge paradox that the comforts and protection we’ve provided them, along with some pretty raw emotional conflict among us adults, have left them vulnerable to raging inner turmoil that has to get walked out. I have friends who have done the same thing–had their children taken away by people hired to help them when they can’t help themselves and we can’t do anything either. It’s almost a rebirthing–a letting go into an unknown world. My friends’ kids have done very well, too. It takes incredible courage to send them into this fire, Mom, and such faith to believe that they will come out okay. Luca’s story is a great proof that they can.
Pauline, I am really happy for you. Sometimes we just have to wait. the clouds come and go. I am trying to learn that.
This brought tears to my eyes too. Almost 5 years ago I too had two burly men take my youngest son to Wilderness. He stayed 10 weeks and then went on to a therapeutic boarding school, where he graduated from high school. All of this while going through divorce from hell too. At that point, my son wanted nothing to do with me. Now, 5 years later, my son has attempted College and lives with me during the summer. He is taking a year off to work and try and live on is own. 5 years ago, I didn’t think my son would even talk to me again, let alone live with me and occasionally even ask me for advice! Thanks for creating this blog – I wish I had had 5 years ago, but even so it is so helpful to read it now.
Wow — we have such similar stories. That’s one reason I’ve written about this — because so many parents feel like they’re the only ones.
Your gratitude posts are just over the top GREAT. This one was my favorite.
Congratulations, Pauline! I’m so happy for you and luca that he has found his comfort and strength to be the young man. There is hope after divorce. There is hope for struggling children as Luca is the example. Enjoy your time as well!
I hurried to the last bus in line. Luca walked down the steps and grinned sheepishly as he held his arms out.
“Love you, Mom.”
“Love you too, honey.”
This, brought tears to my eyes. I’ve been reading for a while, and I know how long it took to get to this. I’m so happy Luca has turned things around
Thanks, Andrea.
What Andrea said …
Pauline,
This made my eyes misty… For any young boy, walkabout out or not, to text his mother and then give her a hug with all those people around? That’s pretty freaking AWESOME!
I am so, so, so happy for you. For Luca. For the bond between the two of you…
What an amazing shift, an incredible healing that took place between you… I remember when you went to visit him and he gave you something, a piece of carved wood, wasn’t it? I think it’s only going to keep getting better from here on out…
So, so, SO FREAKING HAPPY FOR YOU!
Hugs and healing…
Thank you, Annah! Yeah, it is a pretty cool development.
I am very hapy after consider for all…