I have a new paramour. He is a complete romantic departure for me: younger (by eight years), blue-collar, and unfettered by children.
We have absolutely nothing in common except for smouldering chemistry and a genuine fondness for each other.
One of the reasons I love hanging out with Nick, besides the obvious, is that I have no illusion, nor desire, to wind up his life partner. He is unabashedly non-monogamous. He has multiple, extreme piercings. He spends his days doing Hot Yoga and his evenings rolling on Molly, and knocking himself out listening to house music.
Not exactly stepfather material, although, let me be quick to add that I’m not looking for another stepfather for my kids.
Before Nick, I never understood the Booty Call concept, and thought it was rather unseemly. But now I see the benefit to friends with benefits.
I don’t wonder “where we’re going.” I don’t worry if my kids will like him, because they’re never going to meet him. I don’t storm around the house seething with dashed expectations, because I have none. There is something positively exultant about needing nothing from a romantic partner. There is just wanting in its most distilled, erotic form.
I love opening the door and seeing Nick on the doorstep, all grins, and all “Hey, Baby, don’t you look fine” in his deep, nicotine-seared voice. Given that Nick has had a colorful, and varied romantic history that boggles the imagination, I asked him why, oh why, does he want to be with a 50-year-old single mom when he could have a 30-year-old tart every night of the week.
“Are you kidding? You’ve got your own kind of cool,” he said, motioning around my apartment. “I mean, look at everything you keep together. You have a job, you have this cool place, you have kids…and you’re hot, baby!“
I point out my hotness factor not to toot my own horn, but to cry bullshit on the media hype and general misconception that women become invisible once they hit forty-five. This is utter crap spoon-fed to the perimenopausal set by I don’t know who…women’s magazines, beauty product companies, Republicans, anyone who’s trying to sell you something. But it’s nonsense, my middle-aged homies, and don’t let anyone who’s got something to gain by sending you out to pasture send you there.
I feel so much more desirable now than I did even ten years ago. I’m comfortable in my own skin. I know what I like. And I have a “seize the day” attitude that appears to be compelling.
It’s gratifying to have the potency of my mature sexuality appreciated by a younger man, but it’s also gratifying even if there’s no man around to appreciate it. I like my mind, I like my body, and I like the woman that I have grown to be.
Who would have thought that at 50, I would discover myself in perhaps the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. We really, truly enjoy each other’s company.
I’m sure if we stayed together we would eventually descend into the griping and negotiating that committed partnerships bring. But that’s a reality Nick and I will have the pleasure of never encountering. Nick won’t be in my life forever, but while he is, I plan to bask in the nirvana that my younger man brings.
Today, I’m Thankful For My Younger Man.
Well damn!! Get it!
Sexspiring! Rock on Pauline!
As another over 50 woman, 59 to be precise, I’m thrilled to see you blogging openly about your sexuality! Thank you.
You know what I say….I’m jealous!! Enjoy the adventure!
Holy shit! Wonderful –
I’m republican, 53, workout 6 days a week and I know I’m hot — never doubted it. What’s with the republican stuff? Do all democrats think in such a linear manner? I’m way more open-minded than you. Boo hoo – poor me the republican.
I stand corrected — I should have put Tea Partier.
Sorry – this post really bothers me and I have supported you and prayed for you along the way. Get so angry on your behalf as you fight for child support and admire how you help troubled yout. But this just horrified me – sorry – especially theacceptance of his drug use. Wait until one of your kids decides to try a “roll with Molly”. You have free will to do whatever but this to me just smells like trying too hard and almost stupidly risk taking – multiple partners? with drug use? Etc. Be careful!
“The greatest thing in life is finding people that turn small moments into great moments. Nothing in life must be eternal only unforgettable.” -Unknown
Becki — I know plenty of people who are of the “upstanding citizen” variety who do drugs, including Ecstasy. It’s not my bag, and I certainly wouldn’t want my kids to to take it, but I’m not going to stand in judgment of someone else who does. I didn’t go into a lot of details about “Nick” because it really wasn’t the point of this piece, but he happens to be an extremely nice guy: honest, communicative, meticulous about safety, respectful, no games. More than I can say for a lot of men who have more respectable veneers, but cart around secrets and and don’t feel they need to bring up the topic of safe sex. Finally — I’m a big believer that mothers have needs beyond their children. We are sexual beings. My life is hard enough without closing up that part of myself.
Holy crap Pauline! With a figure like yours (and at your tender, youthful age) you could be a model and advertise/sell anything to the Baby Boomers. (I’m looking into this endeavor myself being fit and 44.) It’s depressing (and unrealistic) to see twenty-somethings appear in ads that sell face cream to reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles! Let’s talk!
Sorry, I have to agree with Becki. And I am a fan.
I respect your opinion, everyone’s going to have their own takeaway. It’s interesting — this piece is up on HuffPost Divorce and the comments are split between those who think I’m being used and those who think I’m an adult woman making a perfectly acceptable choice. A couple women wrote in that they’ve had similar relationships and they were great. I stand by my feelings: this is a relationship marked by honesty, affection, and good communication, which is why I said it was healthy. No one is leading anyone on. Maybe some people who come here to read about divorce are only expecting divorce pieces, so this felt like an odd departure. It’s important to me to write about subjects non-divorce and non-kid related because there’s more to me than being an ex-wife and a mom — as much as I love my kids. I think if my mom had given herself more permission to enjoy herself sexually I would have been a lot happier. Kids pick up when parents are miserable and deprived.
My concern is that Prince will see it and use it against you. I’m not against the relationship, just your making it public.
Yes — but there is so much he could use against me in this blog, I’m not sure this is any more problematic.
You go, girl. Go, go, go.
That’s exactly what it was for me: an odd departure. Also concern for you, but it’s good to read something different. I’m not judging by any means.
Thx — respectful debate is always welcome. I’m wary of bloggers who have only groupies who applaud everything they say.
You have fabulous biceps.
Why, thank you!
Although you say you have no desire or intention to end up his life partner (because it isn’t a realistic likelihood), the tone of your post belies this. You love being with him, seeing him at the door, being intimate with him. You’re in denial if you think you are not developing feelings for him. So two things come to mind. Enjoy it while you can but don’t believe for a minute you won’t take it badly when it all turns to custard.
And secondly, if you would like to walk the beach with a soul mate in your later years, who can’t imagine life without you, don’t waste months/years on a mismatch. You need to be emotionally available to take part in that process and as you get more & more fond of Nic, you won’t be. Make sure you’re not losing more than you are gaining with this. You point out proudly you are still physically hot, and yes, that does matter. Will you still be hot at 55 to be able to attract your own age ‘ Nick’? The real deal. Don’t miss the boat here.
I speak from experience. Now happily married to a wonderful guy who loves me to pieces, I wince when I think of the 2 toy boys I wasted so much time over, pretending to myself how grand it all was.
I appreciate your concern, but I have absolutely NO desire to end up with Nick as my life partner, nor do I have that illusion. He is loads of fun, but not someone to introduce my children to, nor to entertain the possibility of growing old with. What I love is the unfetteredness of being with him, and the lack of expectations. After a decade of post-divorce hell, some short-term adult fun is what the doctor ordered.
thank you for writing this piece. it often floors me how offended people are when women take charge of their sexuality (and talk about it!). i also have been grateful for a few friends with benefits situations in my life…to enjoy someone’s company without expectation, and to be apprecited in return without obligation is so freeing and satisfying, especially when both people share a mutual respect for each other and the situation. more power to you, pauline….you certainly deserve to have some fun after all you’ve been through. and thanks for writing about it.
oh! and also…thank you for acknowledging that as women we are more than wives and mothers…we are people with our own interests and needs beyond our children and families, and how many people refuse to acknowledge that is a travesty.
Thanks for posting this Pauline, I just found your blog and I am about to post a dating profile. You give me hope I can enjoy some fun sex again without entanglements beyond liking a guy and enjoying intimacy that I am missing. Rock the hell on
.
You can absolutely have that. Rock the hell on yourself!
Thank YOU — for reading this post in the spirit with which it was intended. We don’t live in the 50s anymore, although at times you would think we did. It’s really important for mothers to find fulfillment beyond their children. There’s way too much pressure put on mothering these days, and I don’t think that serves mothers or children well.