One of the most dreaded conversations in life was about to happen. We had to tell the children we were divorcing. Well, kind of.
The Genius had packed his bags. He cleared out the closet, after I told him twice. And, strangely enough, moved half of my clothes to his racks. Appearances clearly mean a lot to him. As if the children wouldn’t pick up on the fact that dresses now hung where his clothes used to be. It must be simple to be a Genius.
Now we had to tell the children. We weren’t breaking new ground here. Kids all across the world have experienced the conversation where Mommy and Daddy drop the Divorce bomb on them. And, as with anything, there’s a good way and a bad way to do it. The Genius wanted to do it this way: “I’m on the road all the time. Let’s just tell them I’m working in lower Marin and need to stay there. I’ll be back nearly daily to take them to school and be with them for dinner. There’s no need to go into any more detail. They’re 4 and 6. They don’t need to know any more than that.”
Uh-huh. That’ll work. Say it with me: And that’s why we call him The Genius.
“You don’t think they’ll find it odd that you are ‘working’ 8 miles away and need to sleep there?” And you don’t think they already pick up on the fact that we can’t bare to breath the same air? That we don’t hug? Kiss? Speak to each other naturally in any way, shape or form? Sleep in the same room? Yea, that’s kinda not gonna work, Genius. Oh, by the way, the beauty of where I’m at right now is that I don’t have to see you daily (I’d like to not see you ‘life-ly’!). You’ll need to alter your grand plans.
We met with Dr. K. (Couples Counseling Works!…sometimes…maybe) and each communicated how we wanted to tell the children about the implosion of our marriage. My line was that Mommy and Daddy need to be in separate places to work on some problems in our relationship. And that was a compromise, by the way. What I wanted to say was that Mommy and Daddy needed to separate. Period. Our relationship wasn’t working anymore (because your Dad is emotionally frozen as a fourteen year old thanks to his Mom, couldn’t read a moral compass if the Dalai Lama deciphered it for him, and hasn’t thought about anyone but himself in the last 15 years…if not his entire life! Well, let me be honest. Is the penis a separate entity from the self? If so, he’s thought about that. Oh, indulge me!)
You already know what his line was. And are you at all surprised that it was a total lie? Funny thing about lying…the more you do it the less you realize you are doing it. The less you care you are doing it. Eventually you no longer know what the truth is. Lying becomes the norm. The Genius was completely lost in a sea of manipulating the facts to suit his own needs. He won’t swim to shore any time soon.
An hour before the sit-down with the boys I was texting Mr. Jackpot about our hike the next day. The weather called for heavy and steady rain. It could have called for showers of Banana Spiders and cat urine and I was game. I needed to spend the day with a man that I found very intriguing, who was excessively easy on the eyes, and who made me smile.
We had been texting since my trip back East. I’d call it Grade 3 Banter, with Grade 1 being about the game or the weather and Grade 2 being about your life and your kids or job. Grade 3 Banter was about humor and life. Not your life or my life. Bigger than that.
This banter was about Life-At-Large.
Until I texted “Are you going to be out and about tonight?” And then it became about us.
“I was thinking about it. You?”
“I might need a bottle, I mean a glass of wine after this.” He knew the sit-down was immanent.
“Shall I bring you one of my favorites?”
“That would rock.” And so our Saturday hike became a Friday night glass of wine.
I knew The Genius would bolt after our conversation with the boys. Thankfully. At Dr. K.’s suggestion, we told them the truth. How freaking novel. It was just like in the movies.
“…so Daddy is going to be living in another house.”
“Will we get to go there?”
“Eventually, yes.”
“Can I have some more chocolate milk?”
“Stop kicking my feet!”
“Do you have any questions?” I say. Which resulted in a total “Classic South Park Kyle and Stan Dumbfounded Look” stare.
“So how was school today?” The Genius belches out.
(I could make this up if I tried, but why bother? It’s ripe and begging to be picked. I just have to eat enough blueberries to remember it all.)
At 9 that evening, with the boys tucked in bed and The Genius fumbling his way back to his new reality, Mr. Jackpot showed up on my doorstep.
The dog never barked.
you…..absolutely….rock !!! omg i love your writing and i’m hanging on to every blog. That last line —– Blew me away!!! love you cleo and your dog !
’nuff said,
Cockin Robin
Kids are so resilient. Not to say they are not affected, they are, but they are definitely stronger then we give them credit for.
I’m still chuckling over this:
“Our relationship wasn’t working anymore …..couldn’t read a moral compass if the Dalai Lama deciphered it for him……Well, let me be honest. Is the penis a separate entity from the self? If so, he’s thought about that. Oh, indulge me!)”
Love your humor; laughter is my favorite outlet. Yes, I laugh at inappropriate times. I’ll probably have to contain myself in future classes/sessions if anyone brings up how “couples counseling works!” For real I never say that, but it works…maybe just not how we think it will.
Will continue to catch up and read in real time, following you on twitter too!
best,
gep
@versionsofme
A lady’s got to laugh. Hard. Often. Sometimes at the most inappropriate things. Glad to know I’m not alone.
Love yourself, gep
Cleo
Since I read your blog a few days ago, I kept going back to what will make a man who had what the Genius had to throw it all away for a quick roll in the hay. Along with this line of thinking, as a mother to boys, I thought this is why I am not raising boys, I am raising men. I would like to think (and hope) I am raising these little men to become men who will love, and respect themselves enough so they can find healthy, loving, truthful relationships. Or if they choose to not be in relationships, that they can be comfortable in being alone, in being rue and at peace with themselves. Thank goodness, your boys have one parent who can provide this environment for them. You rock!
Grace,
She shoots, she scores! “I am not raising boys, I am raising men.” I have nothing to add. Pick any cliche. That’s it in a nutshell, you hit the nail on the head, bingo. Oh, right…nothing to add.
Brilliant, G. I aim to do the same.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I got married at 41 for the first time to a nice guy a couple of years younger. First marriage for both. 16 years and counting. But I had a lot of experience BEFORE my marriage with bad relationships, guys who cheat, lyers, alcoholics, etc. My husband is a family lawyer and here’s the thing I just don’t understand: Why didn’t you ask him to leave the night he came home from the trip? Why did you suffer through weeks of living with him – in your bed? Why did you go campling with him? Why did you do anything with him? In the end, you found out the truth was worse, but what he did was already bad enough. There.is.no.hope for a marriage where one person has been lying for a year, much less 4 years. Try a month. Anyway, why you did not make him move out, and call a divorce attorney immediately, I will never understand.
C,
Thank you for posing those questions to me. I needed that. Tears are flowing. I don’t know for sure the reasons why, yet. But the first feeling that roared through me as I read your questions was, I was supposed to. I was supposed to keep the family together. I wasn’t a quitter. I felt compelled to succeed. Maybe this was hitting rock bottom and we were to climb the Cliffs of Insanity together, emerging over the edge a stronger pairing than I would have ever dreamed possible.
Again, I blame Disney. But, by taking some time to work through what was happening I believe I helped to create a peaceful environment (sure, it was stressful, but there was no immediate upending) for the boys. The only downside to the way it played out was that The Genius came to believe, due to my calm exterior, that I wasn’t that hurt. It took awhile for him to understand the devastation he caused.
Thanks for the morning cry. It felt good.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow, so sorry. I do understand all you have said, and would have done the same, probably! Kids come first, and making the transition somewhat more smooth for them, while being a grownup, is what I hope we would all strive to do were we in this situation. AND, having been lied to and cheated on before I was married, I know what it’s like when you love someone and want to see your way clear to forgiving and forgetting and moving on. No criticism.
Love yourself!
Claire
C,
No criticism taken my dear. I welcome these questions with complete gratitude. You must know how helpful it is for me to have you here, prodding me to go deep. I won’t always know when I have to reflect back to a certain time for a fresh look at a lesson to be learned. You help me do that! Thank you. Love you. Owe you!
Love yourself,
Cleo
I didn’t leave for a year and a half later. How was I going to take care of 5 kids (one with CP)? Would I have to leave my home because I can’t afford it? Can I do this alone? Eventually the answer became so clear… it didn’t matter. I would live in a 2br apt. I just needed to be happy. Everything else will fall into place. If I need to start from step 1, I will do it. And I am doing it. No alimony, no child support. A crappy dad to his kids who thinks he’s father of the year. I’m there for the kids. ALL the time. I’m working full time and I’m 3 classes from getting my MS degree. I CAN DO IT! Sometimes it takes a bit longer to realize how great you are because you’ve been beat down so long.
P,
You are AMAZING! I’m in awe. You are an inspiration to every person who feels that the burdens they carry can’t be lifted. You have motivated me to be more focused on the ease in my life. Not just the dis-ease. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo is right – you ARE amazing! The amount of courage it took to do that and to handle everything you’re handling – I’m in awe of you, pogonorms. I’m inspired by your bravery and determination. I hope you realize how truly special you are.
My reason for staying longer than I ‘should’ have (which is obviously going to differ from person to person, some would argue that we ‘stick it out’) – I had to be okay with my decision. I didn’t want to look back with regret, leave any questions unanswered or act on impulse. I knew that I would most likely come to the conclusion of divorce, but I wanted it to be on my terms….not a gut reaction based on his actions. Having children made me more cautious – someday I’ll need to explain myself to them and I will do so with NO REGRETS!
M,
That is the guiding principle, no? Our children. We do what is best for them, and we live our lives in such a way that they could watch it all unfold like a film and be proud of us from start to finish. That’s my aim. One day these two dudes will look down into my eyes and tell me that they are so proud to have me as their mom.
That will be my gold medal and I’m not doing anything to screw that up.
So grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
If I might add, from someone who did just as Claire said & threw the person out almost immediately, knowing why helped me process my feelings after. You never really get an answer you want, are expecting, etc. The majority of times I already had enough info before I asked, thanks to this wonderful world of technology. I wanted to know the depths they were willing to go. I confronted the other 1.5 years later & got more from them then, probably because guards were down. Had I not had those opportunities, I think I would be institutionalized right now.
I still see the other occasionally because our background & I’m still sickened because the behavior just continues.
T,
Yes, you may. And many apologies for the delay in posting your comment. I’m working it like a cowgirl!
Your comment has me pondering why I had no questions except, How long has this been going on? I have zero interest in knowing anything about the affair. And I don’t care if he had a harem in addition to The Happy Dance Chick. It won’t affect me in any way that is positive, so perhaps that’s why I’m not curious.
Or maybe I just don’t care.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I find this whole thing sick. Mr. jackpot waiting in the wings? In a few years you’ll probably have a new name for him and a new website with which to put him down and blame everything on him.
Mr. Genius? is this the kind of respectful nickname and treatment your husband received before his affair or only after? (I’m sure you’ll say after.) That’s the funny thing about contempt, the more you do it the easier it becomes; “the more you do it the less you realize you are doing it. The less you care you are doing it.” Eventually you no longer know what respect is. Contempt becomes the norm.
There is nothing honorable or empowering about this blog. It is actually somewhat embarrassing. Retribution is not the healthiest form of therapy.
Wrath is after all one of the seven deadly sins. But you got him good didn’t you?
M,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I hope you continue to read on.
Mr. Jackpot is not waiting in the wings. He’s a dear friend whom I treasure. Someone who helped me through many challenging times. I have in turn helped him.
Not sure how ‘I got him good”. I’m just writing out how I feel. The reward has been peace, compassion, forgiveness, and a deep love for myself. That’s a pretty good return on my investment. I will remain fully present in the moment as I make my way through this betrayal. In 10 short months since the Pocket Call I have come a long way. You may not agree with the path I chose, but the results are clear.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow. Have you ever heard “if you can’t say something nice….?”. You don’t find this blog healing and empowering but many of us DO. I’m guessing it’s those of us who have been the receiving end of this behavior.
Move along, Mike. I’m sure there are plenty of other blogs that would welcome your vitriol.
Genius? Is that you? Bet it is!
S,
Anything is possible! Even a Merry Christmas while divorcing. Rock your New Year, S.
Love yourself,
Cleo
WOW – and it doesn’t take much browsing to find more “better man than you” references. Probably more subtly put before the cheating but obvious to the husband who needs someone to appreciate and respect him.
I know, I know, you married him but he never really DESERVED or earned your respect. That was all his fault too. He should have been the man you wanted instead of the man you married.
M,
Seems pretty reasonable to me to expect that the man I married would not lie to me for four years and betray his family. Forgive me if I don’t respect that behavior. And, M, there is no excuse for the affair. None. Not one. Nada. Zilch. If he was unhappy he had the opportunity to approach me and tell me. As does every single person who makes the choice to cheat. Yes, I expected him to be a man. Not a coward.
Have conversations, not affairs.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Well said, Cleo. Well said.
N,
Thank you, N. Comes from the heart.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dang straight. Mike, this isn’t a man bashing blog. This is someone coming to grips with one of the worst pains imaginable. I don’t think there’s one person reading who would say it’s one spouse’s fault entirely to end a marriage. It always takes two. But the choice to cheat is 1,000% that person’s choice and NOT the fault of the other spouse.
After floundering in my husband’s lies for nearly 2 years now, Cleo, your comment: “have conversations, not affairs,” is dead on.
….I continue to catch up on the posts….
H,
This should be a t-shirt: have conversations, not affairs Wouldn’t it be awesome (in the real sense of the word) to eradicate infidelity? I know there’s not a snow ball’s chance in hell, but it’s super fun to think about doing it.
As I read your words to Mike I thought of something The Genius texted to me: It’s a farce that my affair was the worst thing that ever happened to you. I was BLOWN AWAY by that. Some people just don’t think cheating is a big deal, and if it happens in a marriage there is likely a justifiable reason.
Nothing justifies infidelity, but people will always try. Thank you for being here, H. It’s good to see you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
NOTHING justifies infidelity. If you’re a person of integrity there is only one option. Even if the relationship is irretrievably broken, extricate yourself first, then do as you please.
D,
Simply yet powerfully stated. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I am in a similar position to Cleo’s – long term marriage, a child, infidelity. You said it very well. I could NEVER have been unfaithful to my spouse – I had too much to lose – or so I thought. His lack of integrity hit me like a stinging slap to the face. I still cannot believe this is the person I trusted for 17 years. He has been displaying all the typical signs of the unfaithful – I just thought he didn’t have it in him. Now I know – he does. He is apparently a bit sad but hasn’t done anything to show he is sorry.
C,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. All this talk about honesty has me pondering why it seems so natural to me to be honest but for The Genius, and your spouse, honesty was disposable. Integrity? Absent. Being unfaithful never crossed my mind, and certainly not my heart.
After many hours of pondering I’ve concluded that the world needs both types of people to go around. My aim is to make certain I only attract those that are honest, and committed to living life with integrity. And in peace. With a big dose of love of adventure. Or I’d rather be alone. Because when I’m alone I’m with someone I trust and love, so I’m at peace.
I trust you read the post on letting go, C? I’m looking forward to hearing tales of your peaceful adventures – two girls exploring the world. I sense he’s ready to be set free, even if he doesn’t want to go. Stay close and thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have. It would be so cool if we two girls had this castle to ourselves and ex-husband had moved on, though i know that really hurts just as much, too (when they find it possible to hurt you deeply, then move right along…)
In reality i have serious health problems which have sucked the air from beneath my newly liberated wings. While the divorce itself proably won’t be terrible, financially, the joy in finding our new house and moving, settling in, and enjoying our new un-fettered life won’t be as liberating and joyous due to my having to start a new chemo soon. My daughter is 15 and i was hoping to see her through college, at least. Now i wonder. So without your health, freedom and financial security, and “mother/daughter fun” aren’t as much fun as they should be!
Of course all is better when money isn’t an issue! I found that out in previous poor life! It helps! But why could i not have BOTH at once, and no kidney stone this week?
Darn it all!
Love yer selves, kittens!
Claire
C,
Thank you for reminding me to be grateful, and to be present in my actions so that they reflect my priorities. One of which is to send you all the healing energy I can muster, if you’ll open the gate. C, you’re just the kind of girl that can find the funny in this experience. I know – sounds crazy, but it’s there. Laughter is a healer.
People get all excited about orgasms…pft…30 minutes of hard laughter wins out for me every time. I’ll remember that for days.
Maybe that can be a mantra of sorts as you begin chemo. Find the Funny We’ll be here for you every step of the way. Through college and beyond! But for now, let’s stay right here, right now. Be ultra gentle with yourself,
m’lady.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Works for me!
Love US!
claire
Cleo,
I only found your blog today and I am not that far into it but I am totally drawn into your life and how you are dealing with it. You are a an extremely strong lady.
I wish I had started something similar 3 and a half years ago when I found myself on the edge of the cliff in my 23 year marriage.
Your ex and my ex must have been twins separated at birth
My ex had a favourite line … “If you truly believe it, then it is not a lie”!
And that was what he said to justify, to me and himself, a lot of his falsehoods.
Keep doing what you are doing.
Love, healing power and strength being sent you from Down Under
L,
Mate! (I had to say that – totally American of me, right?) Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here.
“If you truly believe it, then it is not a lie”! Wow – how’s that for being clueless! It never ceases to amaze me how similar the stories are that come from those who have been betrayed. It’s been so grounding to know that the madness is not within our heads. It’s simply the manifestation of guilt and anger. My hope is for healing for all. Thank you for your kind words and please stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo