When I started HGM I did so for my sanity, my soul and to satisfy my need to write. In August 2011 I asked The Universe to deliver to me the subject about which I could write passionately. I imagine ‘them’ sitting at a table, batting back and forth the possible options. Then one of ‘them’, the one with a sense of humor and apparently great confidence in my ability to handle anything ‘they’ toss my way said:
“Now’s the time to clue Cleo in on the path The Genius has embarked upon. She will understand, eventually, why her world is about to be ripped apart like a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos in a dorm room at 2AM. She asked for fodder, let’s give it to her.”
And off I went. Not off the deep end, although I can describe it in great detail, but off to create the next chapter of my life.
Since that time I have kept secret this delicious part of my life. Only you, my family, Mr. Jackpot and a small handful of close friends know of HGM. That worked for a while. Until I decided to ride this pony to the finish line, unloading my deepest emotions, thoughts, fears and desires on these pages as we gallop forth.
I’m not good at keeping secrets. Especially ones that involve writing a blog about your imploding marriage, your in-grown hairs, your wounded heart, for all the world to see. I’m betting that’s not a big reveal for you.
The Genius has cornered the market on deceit. I don’t wish to compete in that arena. And, as my Mother says, “The truth will always out.” I made the decision to tell The Genius about HGM because I had to be honest. It’s the only way I know how to be. By being honest I would also be giving thanks for the opportunity to write passionately and the opportunity to heal through words. I validated my work by owning it. I wanted to come clean. I was proud of what I had done. And I sure didn’t want to deal with the ramifications of The Genius discovering he was being deceived. He’d hate knowing I took a tool out of his tool box and used it on him. It was best on all fronts to simply come clean.
I had good butterflies the night before our conversation was to take place. I was excited. It was a strange feeling to have since I expected to be trembling with nerves that were furiously searching for bullet-proof vests, not wanting to be at the mercy of a ticked off Genius.
I have wanted to be a writer for as long as I can remember. I started a book once and got to 50,000 words and then shelved it as I embarked on a new creative journey that ran its course over a 5 year period. The urge to write never left my being. On a day (oh, about 4 years ago…imagine that) which was filled with questions and doubts, and feelings of inadequacy centering around what I wanted to do with my life, I told The Genius that I wanted to be a writer.
“I know it’s what I’m meant to do. I’ll find my sweet spot there. It will make me happy. I have a story in me that has to be told. I’m not sure exactly what the story is, but I can feel it trying to get out.”
“What makes you think you should get to follow your creative dreams when I can’t follow mine?”
Um. Gee, maybe because you believe in me? Because to see me happy makes you happy? And who says you can’t follow yours? You make that choice all on your own, punkin. Nobody has you in a strangle-hold.
His comment stung. And stung. And stung. I never forgot it, and I forget a lot of stuff that doesn’t feel good. I might need to work on that.
As I reflect back on it, it was a potent moment in our relationship. In that single sentence he laid out for me exactly what I meant to him. I was competition, not a partner. We weren’t on the same team anymore. Why didn’t I understand that then? Because I would have had to take action? Somehow I was able to take that sentence and put it on the compost heap where even the worms refused to touch it.
Funny what a little thing like divorce can do. Fast forward to the here and now:
“Since your pocket call I have been writing. I started a blog in November. It’s struck a cord with a lot of people. A whole lot of people. I needed to tell you because I don’t believe in keeping secrets, and because this blog has become a huge part of my life. I don’t know where it may lead, but I plan to write this blog for a long, long time with the goal of sharing my journey with the world. And while it is under a pen name, someday it may come out who I am and I would not want you to feel that I kept it from you. I want you to understand that it’s not about you. It’s about me and my journey through this divorce and beyond.”
His face did not change measurably. But I could see a stiffening of his torso and a look that either said, “I already know.” or “I figured you would.”
“What’s it called?”
If I tell you that I will basically shred my whole “It’s not about you” angle. No can do. Besides, you can’t come here. They’d run you out of town. My kittens, they’re ferocious!
“I don’t want to share that with you. This is for me. And I would ask that you not share this information with anyone else.”
“I don’t want to be fodder for you. If this is about your experience and it helps you then I support it. But don’t make it about me.”
At that exact moment in time the world tilted on its axis. The Genius did not want it to be about him. I guess that whole ‘negative light’ thing played into it, but you gotta recognize the tiny glimmer of a dust-like particle of hope that may have drifted ever so close to The Genius, as perhaps a sign that a heart beats within.
Could it really have gone that smoothly? If I had known conversations like this were going to be that easy I would have divorced him long ago. It would seem that smooth sailing is in the forecast, no? The Genius supports my writing, this time around (and it was the perfect time to do so), and the stars have aligned, in a black comedy sort of way, to support my need to write.
I think now is a good time to remind myself that nothing is ever as good or as bad as it seems. But I am certain it will all be worth it.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo rocks! The truth will set you free ~ so true!
A brave , bold and ever so full of integrity move to tell the G about the blog.
Joy really is on the other side of fear. The conversation went better than you had anticipated. Love it!
Congratulations on cutting yet another tether.
I noticed you called G “punkin”… and I am harkened back to the spewing punkin picture…seems to be an underlying theme here.
Something to ponder…if this blog is all about you and your journey what would it be like to make it all about you in the title? Sort of a clean up of the pumpkin guts towards His Giant Mistake; My Creative Win or something like that? Just a thought.
Oh and HGM is so much easier to read without all of the question marks.
Love from one who has also had a spewing pumpkin…and is now free to carve whatever she likes…W xo
W,
Did you see the potential for a hilarious exchange had I told him the name? “It’s not about you.” “What’s the name?” “Uh, His Giant Mistake. But it’s not about you. No. Totally all about me.”
I am so glad I told him. I can write freely now. Not that I wasn’t before, but it was always in the back of my mind that I wasn’t being straight up. I simply can’t live that way.
I have pondered your suggestion. As I begin the journey of writing a book I will see what title bubbles to the surface. His Giant Mistake is so apropos for where I was when I started the blog. But as I write, as I metabolize all that is going on within and around me, I have come to understand that his giant mistake is what set me free. And I am so very grateful to him for that. So how about, ‘Thanks for Being Such a Loser’?
Wow. How’s that for framing something ugly in the positive. My louse of a husband’s affair is a gift. For the first time in 16 years I am living life. Really out there, in it, embracing it, loving the good and bad, and loving each and every on of you.
Go forth and carve…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I agree with you that honestly is the best policy and it takes amazing courage not only to share so openly with all of us but to have taken the time to share with your ex what you have been up to – that was a very big step! As an outsider, you can see how each courageous step forward takes you one step higher – into that higher ground where you belong!
I do hope that your ex can meet you there. I have had a little experience with a liar myself and I have found that generally when I confront him in the moment he will be calm cool and collected – only to have some of the ugliness come out after he has had some time to think….. but hopefully that is not something you will have to deal with!
Good for you!
JJ
JJ,
Climbing Higher. That’s going to be my new tattoo. (Written in the language of the Sherpas with Everest looming in the background. I can’t wait to get it!) Every courageous step I take shows myself, my whole self, that I am committed to living this life fully, with honesty and bravery. It’s the least I could do, no?
“…only to have some of the ugliness come out after he has had some time to think.” I am prepared for this. I don’t want to feed energy to the possibility, but I am prepared. Thoughts become things, thoughts become things. So I thank him for taking it in stride and for not standing in my way. I believe that was a courageous step on his part also.
But he still grosses me out.
Love yourself,
Cleo
WOW! You, my lady, have more balls than some men I know. Because honesty takes courage.
G,
Is it courage or naivete? I’ll take courage. I check in with the soul and if she says ‘Go’ I say ‘Watch me fly’.
The question is, Will I clear the mountain range?
Love yourself,
Cleo
Ooooh, giiiiirl! HGM said to you, “What makes you think you should get to follow your creative dreams when I can’t follow mine?”
My Pippy once said to me, when I shared my biggest life dream with him (to become a commissioned officer in the military), “Yeah, that’s great…that’s never going to work…your dream will be at the expense of MY dream.” (p.s. I just got a slot at officer school with the Army…boo-yah!)
I guess if you have to leave your spouse to get some support, well, so be it. Well done.
DL,
Boo-YAY! Congratulations! I am so proud of you. It’s our time to live our life, to make our dreams a reality.
It’s so freeing to know that it’s up to me to make it happen. But with that freedom comes responsibility. Sometimes for me that feels like a weight. As if I’m afraid to have no excuses, no one to hold me back. Feel of failure or fear of success? I’m not sure which, but when I get those feelings I try to remind myself to let them be. Let them have their moment. And send them on their way.
We deserve to make our dreams our reality. You’re doing it, and so shall I. Thank you for the motivation!
Love yourself,
Cleo
So, has G figured it out yet? I mean, you’ve gotten a good bit of publicity now, including the SF Chron online. (Tho I’m betting he doesn’t read The Mommy Files blog too much; but still, it was listed as one of the “most read pages” there, which is how I found you!) On the other hand, he travels a lot, and men are oblivious…. Well, keep us posted. And don’t worry about the nasty comments on the Chron website — some of those people seem to just spend their time leaving nasty comments about other people’s blogs and lives, I’ve seen their tags before. (Who has time for that??? Not to mention what it makes of your life, to spend so much time telling other people how messed up they are….)
Hey, how about Climbing HIgher for a blog or book title when you decide to dump HGM? Or Watch Me Fly? Both of those seem more accurate at this point… Though sadly, not as funny as HGM!
Keep on writing, I keep checking for new posts ’cause I’m so absorbed and you’re inspiring me to do some “house cleaning” in my own life!
P,
I don’t think The Genius wants to find the blog. I could be wrong, tho. If he were to find it I’m not sure he would let on. Perhaps he already has and that’s why he’s been so testy lately.
Whether he finds it or not, he’ll not stop me from writing. Ever.
Love yourself,
Cleo
PS: Climbing Higher has potential!
Ah. The classic “pray and duck”. I see you forgot to duck. Sometimes, that’s the most fun/scary/painful/fulfilling part.
You are an amazing writer. I look forward to reading more.
K,
I love that you used these words in this fashion: fun/scary/painful/fulfilling
I’m grateful that I feel okay with fun colliding with scary and pain colliding with fulfilling. I’m grateful that you took the time to comment. And for your kind words.
Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
What an ass (TG, not you) is all I can say!!!!
How come, marriage is all about them and their careers and their dreams? Never about ours? Oh wait,
I am glad you’re writing and have found an outlet for your emotions and grief in losing your marriage. Perhaps you should write a book “How to get over being the “other” woman in your husbands life”.
Live, laugh, love life..
H
H,
For you I am going to start my day tomorrow with a massive amount of laughter for you, for me. I cannot express how grateful I am to have HGM and the support, wisdom and guidance from so many amazing people. It has made this journey so rich and beautiful. Every time I want to hop off the path and crawl under a rock I remember how much support I have and how blessed I am and keep moving forward.
Thank you for taking the time to be here with us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Sometimes that rock provides much needed protection until we can crawl out and face the world, the TG’s and our new selves again.
Live, laugh, love life
Heidi
H,
I’m learning to appreciate the part of me that wants to feel protected, that there’s nothing wrong with that. Thank you for reminding me it’s okay.
Love yourself,
Cleo