I have to meditate more. More? Pft. I have to meditate. When I hike I ponder, yes. Do I zone in a meditative way? I don’t think so. I am aware enough to know when I’m up in my head and not in my core as I let thoughts, feelings, issues float in and out of my mind. But I don’t let go, like I do when I sit and meditate, and support the absence of mind. I’m too afraid I’ll snag a tree root and fly face first into a (I just tried to look up on Google an interesting spider indigenous to Northern California to use here. Remind me to never do that again.) really juicy, furry spider, chipping my tooth on the rock upon which he sits, waiting for me. Grinning.
I pay attention when I hike. You have to here.
So, as much as I’d like to say my regular hiking also serves as a regular meditation practice, it doesn’t. And I’m feeling like I’m in a bit of a rut in my metamorphosis here on the blue marble. (Gee, I wonder if getting divorced has anything to do with that feeling.) It was on January 2nd of 2012 that I found out the extent of The Genius’ betrayal. The day I found out he had been living a double life for four years. Five months have passed since the vaporizing of my marriage. I’ve learned a great deal. Both through my own excavation and through the amazing sharing that happens here at HGM. Having the opportunity to write all of this out of me continues to be the greatest gift that has come from such a sad set of circumstances.
One of the big benefits of being able to share my story with you is that when I make a commitment to do something and write about it here, I do it. I may be several hours late on a post or days late in replying to a comment, but it gets done. I committed to be completely honest, and to share with you my most introspective thoughts, and that’s exactly what I do. That doesn’t always happen in my life in and around HGM. I’m pretty adept at flitting from one task to the other, making a dent here and there. Putting off some for days. It’s a tendency I’ve wanted to reshape for a long time.
I’d like to have a better rhythm (I can NEVER spell that world without looking it up. Perhaps that’s a sign.) to my day and also to my way of being. I’d like to be so present that I am moving to a steady beat, fully conscious, and grounded in my body. Yet very tuned in to my soul, my Observer Self, my intuitive side. I want to go deeper, see more clearly, and discern with greater ease. I want to be able to quiet my mind and live from my heart. I want to easily partake in the 3D nature of life here – handling the day-to-day tasks/joys/experiences – but not get caught up in things that distract me from my soul’s journey. I want to be regularly in the flow.
Unless they make pills with no side effects to accomplish all that, I’ve got to get my ass in the Lotus position and start toning. So I’m stating here, for the HGM record, that I am going to embark on a regular meditative practice beginning tomorrow. I feel a strong urge to do something extra to add to the momentum (I’m also definitely fearing a slow down in momentum. I’m paying attention to it, I promise.), to deepen the experience for me. I need more. I want to know more. Feel more. Love more.
There is a woman whom I have been blessed to know, I’ll call her Miss MM, who was instrumental in turning me from a Type A, living completely in my head person to a much more conscious, aware and centered person. She taught me how to breath. And then she taught me a WHOLE lot more, from which I crafted my own take on life, which continues to be shaped to this day. She is a wise, wise woman. I want to emulate her. That’s a tall order, but I know the benefits are massive. Potentially thrilling.
Miss MM doesn’t do or say anything without ‘checking in’ first. Connecting with her Observer Self, her Guides, her soul. She is always at peace with her words, her actions and the results of those actions. She has this wonderful balance between being proactive in her life and letting the natural flow create the perfect momentum, slowing herself down enough to notice the many signs that guide her on her path. She meditates daily, more than once. She’s the least anxious person I’ve ever met. She is so chill, so loving, so at peace with her life, and so trusting that she is creating exactly what she needs, day in and day out. She longs for nothing more because she knows it’s perfect as it is.
I’ll have some of that.
I’m not going to ask why I don’t meditate regularly when I know the benefits. I’m just going to start doing it. Tomorrow. I’m going to take the time to do something for myself that is immeasurably rewarding. It’s what I need to take this process to the next level. For the first time since I started an intermittent meditative practice I have much bigger issues to sort out than simply wanting to de-stress. I need the dedicated time and space to connect with myself, to build trust, to hone my intuition.
When I take the time to breath consciously for just 20 minutes, the blue marble seems a much more manageable place. I have a natural smile on my face. My heart is open. I see the details in what I’m looking at, whether it’s a child’s hair in the sunlight, a freshly baked loaf of bread, or the eyes of a stranger. My mind is my heart’s partner, it doesn’t run the show. I’m happy just because, not because of something or someone. I’m excited for what is to come but I don’t long to know what is coming. I’m at peace.
And I bet I glow.
I’ll tell you how I fare on Wednesday. Plus an update on Mr. Jackpot.
Has anybody seen Mr. Jackpot?
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
I have been following your blog since being introduced to it by someone close to me who is going through something very similar to you. Although I am not going through the same thing, I find your writing very inspiring. I haven’t written to you before, but this post resonated with me. I have been on the “spirtual journey” for lack of a better description, for many years, and much of what you have written in this post could have come from my own mouth. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of Gangaji but if you haven’t you may like to check her out. Here is a link to one of her Satsangs. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8d4clUy_4o&feature=relmfu Keep writing and keep growing…you are beautiful!
S,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read HGM and to send me, us the link to Gangaji’s Satsang. Don’t you just want to curl up in her lap and have her pet your hair? I only had time to check out the first 15 minutes – she speaks what I feel. I will be going back for more. I’m very grateful you made it known to me.
I’m so happy to know that my words resonate with you. I reflect your beauty. So at peace after having listened to her beautiful voice and absorbing your compliments. Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I first heard you on Cocktails with Patrick. I’ve never been so fascinated listening to someone before. My son and I sat in the car hanging on your every word (well, I was-he was watching Elmo). In some ways I felt like I was hearing my own story in other ways so different. The biggest difference is the person I once called a husband and a human being walked out on me and our son 3 weeks before he turned a year old. My son turned 2 years old 2 months ago and we haven’t seen him since then. Other then court that is…..
I was so in love with this person (I have a much different name that I normally refer to him as) and I was completely blindsided and have been left to pick up the pieces. I was older when we married and was never one to feel like I needed to be so I always knew I’d wait for who I thought was the perfect person. There’s so much to this story so I’ll keep it short with that. I wanted to write to you though to tell you that you have been beyond an inspiration for me! I anxiously await every new post. I honestly feel like I’m reading my own feelings, that I didn’t even know I had through you. I feel like I’m reading into my own world that you’ve better desciribed. The post about realizing you never really trusted The Genius really hit home as did saying you fall in love with souls. I couldn’t believe how true that was and is for me I just never looked deep enough to know it. So thank you so much for writing what you’re writing. It’s helped me so much to really look deeper into myself as well as not feeling alone through all this. In some ways I feel like I’ve moved past it pretty good and then in so many other ways I feel like I’m still playing emotional catch up to him. But I look forward to the next post!
Much admiration,
R
R,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for your kind words. It never fails that when I need to hear something loud and clear someone comes here to HGM and writes it out. I really needed to read this today. I’m so grateful to you.
As I left Smooth Operations (Yay! Bikini wax!) in Marin this morning I was feeling so blue. Like I’m not really…
I had to pause to sob…
…getting anywhere. Like I’m screwed. That my days will be one big blur of being not where I thought I was going to be and having no one to share my life with. Then I read your words and I realize the beauty in being here for all of you and having all of you here for me. It’s way different than what I imagined, but I’m going to trust that it’s more beautiful than I ever expected.
Thank you so much, R.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, I have been reading your blog for the past month and wanting to reply to you because we have soooo much in common – the infidelity, Marin, time spent on the mountain (though I run the trails most of the time) kids, divorce, new man/men in my life. My story started though about five years ago when I discovered the first affair. We didn’t separate though until August 2011. I cried the first time I read your blog – it felt so familiar, like you were writing my experience. I’d rather tell you all about it and compare notes over a good, long hike, there’s so much to say and share. Though one difference is that I experienced multiple affairs over that same 4 year period and I stayed with him knowing he was a liar and a cheater. I hate that. But that is another story… What I want to share in regard to your most recent post, is that, I too, get in ruts in the process of my metamorphosis. I have been in a rut several times and always come out the other side – maybe a little bit wiser. I think in the beginning, it was so liberating and a kind of adrenaline rush when I realized I was free from a marriage that was a lie. I could have a “do over” in every sense of the word – romantically, physically, career… I also finally tuned into myself and my own needs. I was filled with a frenetic kind of energy in the beginning that was exciting and got me through some of the rough patches. But now, I am more grounded in reality. Not that I have lost the excitement over my metamorphosis, but I am not trying to accomplish everything immediately. I realize now that change is going to take time and as much as I want to be “done” and on the other side already, it’s not going to happen that easily. I have lots of worries about being a single mom (soon-to-be-ex is pretty checked out), finding a career at 50 (I have a 15 year hole in my resume), and being alone and gray-haired, to name a few. I don’t have a formal meditation practice with any “oming”, but I have found that I need to check out on an almost daily basis. I usually do this by going upstairs, laying on my bed in a darkened room, and I close my eyes. I seem to be able to let my mind empty and find an almost sleep-like state, but not sleeping, where I don’t think about anything. The total time is about 15 or 20 minutes but it feels like way more time has passed. I find I am refreshed and much more at peace afterwards. I find that the emotional demands of dealing with infidelity, divorce, kids, and the metamorphosis is exhausting. I deal with it by spending a lot of time running on Mt. Tam and thinking (a lot) some writing and doing my own version of meditation – or checking out – whatever it is, it works. So the frenetic energy has been replaced by a more calm acceptance of reality and that sometimes, there will be ruts on the way to wherever it is I am going, and it’s o.k.
I read a blip on your blog about a month ago; so I searched for it on the net. I sat glued to the computer reading every posting and thought, “Not another one!” Why does this happen to even the best and smartest women? Not necessarily the affair, as I believe that the betrayal came way before the deed, so to speak. How is it that we hook up with someone that clearly isn’t as committed as we are to form an everlasting bond? What signs did we miss? And more importantly, why did we miss the signs?
I went through my divorce back in 2002 after figuring out that there was nothing that I could do to fix what was broken. I had desperately wanted to have the happy ending, regardless of the cost to my sanity and principles. I like you, had a Mr. Jackpot, that swooped in to fill the void, which was really ridiculous when I look back at it. I had been married 15 years, had two children with my former husband, created a social and personal life that was impossible to be easily filled. I only bring this up because I started out pretty much the way you did. I needed affirmation and a distraction and questions answered, dammit! So I thought, “Why not?” I found it reassuring to have someone listen to me, intently, I might add. But the moment I had to focus what was most important–my children, it became a point of contention, because I had to interact with my ex. After several months of now trying to reassure my Mr. Jackpot, I thought I should just move on. It was really the best thing I did. In fact, it was the catalyst of healing from the hurt and shame of a failed marriage and progressing to a wiser, happier and more even woman.
Cleo, I could go on about my past marriage, but this is about you—so, my friend, slow down, take a deep breath and remember you have a whole life ahead of you. Enjoy the journey!
SAH
S,
Words of wisdom you speak! I’ve been struggling recently with the idea of the passage of time. I need to let go of that, because what purpose does it serve? Time passes. I can’t stop it. So how about I simply live it?
Ah, Mr. Jackpot. He deserves a post, but suffice it to say here that his presence in my life gives me a unique opportunity to work through relational issues, and I’m very grateful for that. I feel that I need that in my life right now. Our friendship has given me a head start in understanding how I interact with men. And the few times that he has been with the boys he has bonded with them. He’s a boy’s dream mentor. Probably because he still has a lot of boy in him. They lose themselves in the discussions about plants, insects, space…and they make the coolest paper airplanes.
It almost seems like the friendship is more for them than for me right now. Given that The Genius is on the road for the next few months I sense that his place in their life is key. But I’ll watch it for signs that don’t seem healthy.
And, who knows…one day Mr. Jackpot and I might actually figure this thing out.
Thank you so much for finding HGM, getting glued and taking the time to comment. I’m so grateful to have you here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I heard about your blog a few weeks ago and have caught up with all the posts. Reading about your process as I go through my own not-so-differnt process has been interesting and enlightening. I found out about two months ago that my husband had engaged in a lot of compulsive sexual behavior for a number of years. I never knew but, not unlike you, I realize now that I knew something. I knew that there was a darkness to him that I couldn’t reach and I knew that there were things I should be looking at more closely but couldn’t. Instead, I busied myself with our kids, my work, our social life, and trying to control what slowly, almost imperceptibly, began to feel very out of control. I remember saying a few months ago that it was impossible for me to focus on myself. I know now that I wasn’t focusing on myself because that was too scary of a thing to do. Now that I know what my husband’s darkness was really about, and after the initial weeks of trauma and shock, I am actually grateful for this opportunity to focus on what is really most important in my life — me!! It is both grounding and terrifying. But it is far more real than what I had before. Someone close to me said that this process of healing from a huge rupture — like you and I have experienced — is like a coil. The progression is not linear. Instead, you return to many of the same feelings over and over again, but each time with a different perspective. Understanding the metaphor of the coil helps me to get through the bad days and to understand that the good days are wonderful but not necessarily a sign that I am done.
Part of my process is deciding whether my intimate life with my husband is over. That decision is scary but I have given myself space from him and the time to figure it out. He is working hard on himself but who knows whether that will be enough?
During these few months I have learned that as long as I am being true to myself, making space for myself, breathing and allowing the process to take its course, I will get to where I need to be. And so will you.
Thanks for writing. Maybe I’ll start sharing my writing too.
R,
You are SO on your way! How inspiring! And insightful. Especially this: “I know now that I wasn’t focusing on myself because that was too scary of a thing to do.” That reminds me of my meditation on the mountain. The more I push away looking at me, focusing on me, the more the Universe has to bring out the big guns to get me to pay attention. Divorce, betrayal, disease…they all make us pause and look. I have finally made a commitment to looking before it’s too late and I have to get smacked over the head.
I love the coil reference! Great metaphor. Revisiting feelings, experiences, encounters is so important. It provides me with an opportunity to dig deeper. I know I have to go really deep if I want to truly live this life. And I do. So I will.
Thank you for being here and for taking the time to comment.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo! First time commenter, love the blog. I have been fortunate enough to work with a fantastic yogi who has lectured and taught meditation. You will be happy to know (or maybe not?) that your hikes *are* meditation. Meditation, at least how I understand it in a yogic sense, is working toward a heightened sense of consciousness. It sounds to me like hiking does this for you! Anyway, this yogi would tell us stories about how he used to work in construction, and his co-workers “didn’t believe” in meditation. He asked what they like to do when they got home from work, and they would say they liked to “get lost” in some Judas Priest. Guess what? According to him, that’s meditation too! So perhaps you are further along than you think.
I still think it is amazing that you are going to try another form of meditation-it can only benefit you! Best of luck to you!
B,
I agree, they are definitely meditative but I’m ready for a deeper look. It’s working.
Judas Priest – love that. Love Angus!
There is no downside to meditation. I’m excited to see what comes bubbling to the surface. Even if it hurts.
Thanks for taking the time to comment and for simply being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
B,
I agree, they are definitely meditative but I’m ready for a deeper look. It’s working.
Judas Priest – love that. Love Angus!
There is no downside to meditation. I’m excited to see what comes bubbling to the surface. Even if it hurts.
Thanks for taking the time to comment and for simply being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
D,
I am at peace and happy. So grateful, too. Thank you for asking.
You’ll only know how it will be if you go and be in it. My intuition tells me a trip to see your step son will be very healing.
I hope you take the journey. You never know what may happen…
Love yourself,
Cleo