Congratulate me. I am the proud owner of a few adorable, little, bouncing baby…boundaries. I remember, not all that long ago, that I didn’t know squat-ola about what a boundary was, how I create one, how I figure out which ones I need, how I communicate them, how I nurture them. If they get wet will they turn into destructive little furballs that take over my space, baring their fangs where just yesterday gums shiny with saliva were visible, all rosy and harmless?
I remember feeling that a boundary was a hand to the face. A DO NOT TRESPASS sign. As if squaring off for battle. Don’t you go there. Oh, and not there either. I was stymied by how I would communicate my boundaries to someone. Do we have a boundary conversation? Pull out our lists, judging them first by the length of the paper, then the final tally of line items?
And, to have a list, don’t I have to know what my boundaries are?
I couldn’t come up with any beyond the obvious. You hit me and I vaporize you and then divorce you. You mess with my children and you’re going to believe, deep down in your soul, that I have trotted off the pages of the Twilight series books and am about to go all wolf-mother on your ass. If I see you harm someone in my presence I will not look away. I will call the cops. Then I will put my size 11 flippers on your backside and introduce your face to terra firma.
I wasn’t sensing that my instinctual boundaries were geared toward creating a gentle, peaceful, loving environment for an encounter to blossom. I can see the boundary conversation now…sitting across the table from a man I fancy saying, You know Sigourney Weaver in the movie Alien?
I’m the Alien.
I left boundaries aside for awhile. Still unsure how to craft them. Then, unsurprisingly, I was forced to revisit them by circumstances, situations that were occurring, patterns that were repeating.
I distinctly remember thinking, If I create a boundary, how am I going to remember it? As if it existed outside my being. How will I know it’s right for me? As if I were deciding between two methods of training to swim the bay. How will someone react when I tell them my boundaries?
I had this feeling that I would be viewed as an uptight, divorcée who had HAD IT, and was putting her stiletto down, hard, dislodging a half-dozen bobby pins in her too-tight bun upon impact. That’s just not me. Boundaries didn’t seem to mesh with my goal of being open and vulnerable and free-spirited. Why have them anyway when I can just deal with things on a case by case basis?
I know right from wrong. Jeez!
We see the effects of winging it, ending up with blurred boundaries that often result in very destructive behaviors, on the news every night. (I used to, anyway. I don’t watch the news anymore.) People sending pictures of their penises to other people who shouldn’t be seeing their penises (There’s been a lull in this behavior, and for that I am exquisitely grateful.), parents throwing a kegger for their high school graduate and friends, people skimming other people’s money, little here, billion there, teachers having sex with students…it doesn’t end. Right down to infidelity. And on and on.
Winging it is not effective.
For boundaries to thrive they have to be lived before they are tested. Crafting a boundary on the fly is like wearing a bikini two sizes too small. I may be able to squeeze myself into it, but it’s going to be pretty easy to swipe aside under the right circumstances. Boundaries need to be more like a second skin, as authentic as the original. Coming from the inside out.
When I sat with that idea, I came to feel that boundaries don’t begin with what others can’t do to me or what others shouldn’t do, and if they do, I have to walk away. Boundaries begin with what I expect of myself. When this understanding came to light, I felt the gears inside my core turn and unlock a small safe that held within boundaries that I need to abide by in order to live an authentic, genuinely happy life. I absorbed them from the inside out. And now, these I know to be my boundaries for myself:
I expect of myself that I will be quick to listen and slow to respond,
that I will come from the heart,
that my words will be genuine and true,
that I will not judge people,
that my state of happiness comes from within not ordered out,
that I will not control or manipulate outcomes,
that I will walk slowly and deliberately on my path,
and I will love myself and my journey here on the blue marble with my whole being.
I’m going to have to sit with this one for a bit, but ponder it with me, please:
What if I only succeeded in upholding those boundaries for myself and didn’t ever attach a boundary, so to speak, to another person? Is it fair to say, then, that we don’t have to have the dreaded boundary conversation? (Do they even exist? I’ve never had one, but that’s not saying much. Maybe I’m one of few.)
I imagine if I were to truly walk that walk, I would dissipate or repel many situations that could knock me off my path. Some uncomfortable scenarios I would chose to experience, because the gain is worth the grind. But those times when I feel like I’m being led around by the nose? They can’t happen if I’m abiding by my boundaries. Anything else that comes my way I will be free to respond on a case by case basis.
Wait. What? Didn’t I say that wouldn’t work?
I am starting to see how I can be vulnerable and totally safe at the same time. How I can be open yet protected. How I can live in the moment in a situation and know that I am able to express my needs and be really okay with walking away if they aren’t able to be met. And no hearts will break. No feelings will be hurt. No bridges burned. All encounters intact, just doing their typical morphing.
Overtime, as my boundaries adhere to me like moldy pumpkin to a blue velvet couch cushion, I will be able to wing it and not just pull it off, but make that ability my greatest asset. The ability to respond from a calm, centered place because I’m not making it up as I go along. (Where, you wonder, did I get that from? Oh, from the moldy pumpkin I tried to scrape off the cushion of a couch that means the world to me – thanks, kids. The couch was stored in the garage. Pumpkin’s been there since Halloween. Yep.)
Eventually, my actions will speak louder than my words, and my boundaries, to others, will just simply be who I am, how I am.
I’m laughing.
I’m not even sure if these classify as boundaries. But I’m calling them Boundaries for Myself. And I’m pulling them on right now. It’s gonna take some time to get all fluid with them, but I’ve got some phenomenal practice sessions lines up.
And one that already happened with Mr. Jackpot that I’ll tell you about next time…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oof. Square between the eyes bullseye with that list, lady. One to print/memorize/live for certain. Thanks and good on you
L,
I’m with you, m’lady. I’m not letting go of these. I thought they would never come and then they showed up nearly unannounced – it was a party in here! I’m going to turn them into a PDF and post them on Pinterest for those who wish to grab them. Rock your day, and…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Ah, those illusive boundaries. Solid as good fog. I can see it, know when I’m in it, but not really certain when that line is actually crossed! Am I being too rigid? Am I not standing up for myself enough? Which value is priority here? Compromise, yes, no, maybe? Darn shifty things, boundaries. My ookie-meter, along with my bulls….-o-meter, is pretty busted after growing up with my ‘loving’ family.
I have crafted a few ‘When you do …. I feel …. so if you continue to do …. I will respond by …’ Those work pretty well, when I can determine a ‘I will respond by …’ that works as a protective, not punitive, action for my own health. I am trying to do the ‘would I let a friend be treated that way?’ scenario. I am, after all, my best friend, and had better have my own back! It’s those darn responses of ‘well, that doesn’t actually put me in a better place for me, how do I back up that boundary?’ that get tricky and feel sort of wet noodley.
I wish you the best with them, and as you noted, they do take much practice and proper preparation to avoid the ‘hey, I think I just allowed that pesron to cross my boundary!’ Enjoy breathing freely in that open, sacred space you create for yourself!
A,
Love fog. I am completely smitten with fog. It’s such an intense love that I’m really quite geeky about it, I imagine. I analyze the drifts, I’m mesmerized by its presence. But I don’t want to be foggy inside. I aim for crystal clear. And soft, and gentle, and true.
I’d like to respond to your question, but I need an example to really comment. This question: “It’s those darn responses of ‘well, that doesn’t actually put me in a better place for me, how do I back up that boundary?’”
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Almost every time I read your blog, I think, “THAT, was the best one yet!”
But, this truly was!
You see, I am a bit further down the road than you on all this. While I realize that all of our journeys down this path are different, there are often themes that resonate. Seven years ago I had the day that changed my life forever in the form of an e-mail (instead of the “pocket call”). Same story, but with a twist, she was my best friend!
The path I have watched you travel upon has been an amazing experience to me because you manage to successfully put in words many of the experiences I had as well. So, I can say with some authority, yes creating and embracing your boundries IS crucial. I am pleased you’ve gotten there. You are an amazing woman and by writing and sharing all of this you help those of us in your situation feel less alone (and feeling alone is a big part of the experience!).
Thank you,
Ruby C.
R,
The best friend one kills me. Every time. I bet it was easy for The Happy Dance Chick to gloss over the pain she was causing both to her family and mine, easily blocking out four years of lies and deceit. But how does one do that when you are slicing open your best friend and then laughing at the mess created? How did she sleep? And I don’t mean that as a cliche. I mean, really…how did she sleep? I’d be a total mess. Some people can do it, I guess. I’m very grateful I am not one of them.
Thank you so much for your ultra-kind words. As I’ve mentioned before, when a post is done I close the lid on the laptop and hope my words resonate with those that seek them out. Comments like yours help to confirm that what I’m tapping into needs to be brought forth, and that I’m doing it in such a way that it’s beneficial to more than just me. That’s a beautiful sign. I am so very grateful you took the time to connect. Stay close…the pressure’s on to get better and better!
I’m lapping up the challenge!
Love yourself
Cleo
Always with the cliff-hangers! Congratulations on your new baby – take very good care of her! I wish I had had mine when I was younger!
C,
Isn’t life just one big series of cliff-hangers? I’m grateful to have moved from fearing the reveal to reveling in it. I can tell you revel in it, too. I’m very excited about adopting these boundaries and seeing the magic that results.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Ok Cleo, I’m going to ask you how you’d handle this one. It isn’t a love boundary question. I’m just at my wit’s end with this and don’t know how to proceed. One of my coworkers is a pathological liar. About everything. And nothing. She lies just to lie. I mean, some of the lies have a feeling of sensational behind them, it gives her momentary pleasure to be the person making others say “Oh my gosh, Really?!” I used to be one of those people. But as I’ve worked with her for 12 years now, I’ve realized she lies often and I can always tell when another whopper is about to come out of her mouth. So….how can I let her know I’m sick of being taken for a fool? Usually I look away if it’s in a group setting and tune out of the conversation, but what do I say to her face-to-face? It’s really getting annoying and bothersome. Also, I’m trying not to judge her, but that’s also becoming hard to do. I’ve never met someone who lies EVERY DAY just for the sake of lying. Your most awesome advice please? Can’t wait to read your next entry. And you can respond to this via email if you don’t want it in your comments, if you care to reply at all. I just have never met someone who is as good with words as you are and could tell me how to respond to this without completely ruining our work ties. My boundary is I’m sick of being lied to and expected to believe it and comment on it.
C,
What a great opportunity to put into action all that we are learning! My intuitive response is this:
I feel that she is, one one level, frozen in time as a child, when we all lie to come to know the importance of telling the truth. Maybe no one walked her through that process and she is still waiting for someone to do it. Perhaps that someone is you? You will have to tune in and see if it resonates with you to give her some guidance in this area. If the answer is yes, then how about saying something like, “Sometimes I feel that you aren’t being genuine. It makes it hard for me to support you when I’m not sure if what you are telling me is the truth. For instance, you said that…and I’m inclined to believe that wasn’t an honest statement. Am I misreading this? Is there something you want to share with me about this? Is there a way I can help you with this?
If she continues to be deceitful with you in addressing the situation and beyond that, then be gentle with her. Something is going on beneath he surface that is unfortunate. It’s like what I tell the children about bullies. Be compassionate for they aren’t content.
I imagine that if you are compassionate and steadfast in yourunwillingness to play a role in her tale-spinning, she will move along to someone who will feed her need to be dishonest. Until she learns that it’s okay to simply tell the truth. Attract and repel, attract and repel. But always with love and compassion.
I hope that is helpful. Thank you so much for taking the time to share this with us. We can all learn from these types of challenges. And we can apply the lessons to so many scenarios.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hey Cleo,
I love this post. It really got me thinking.
The term ‘boundary’ has a pretty negative connotation. They always seem to be associated with antagonistic situations; they arise (or are created) out of conflict and are meant to push people back or control a situation by trying to affect what other people can or can’t do to you. The ideas you’ve laid out here led me to ponder the concepts of intervention rather than prevention. Being reactive rather than proactive. I think that’s the problem with how we’ve all been approaching boundaries – we create them as an intervention measure in reaction to a certain situation. Don’t they say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure? If that is true then…
By creating your boundaries for yourself as a roadmap (or prevention guide of sorts) to dealing with…life, for yourself – not for others – to abide, you have centred yourself, empowered yourself, reaffirmed all the lessons learned along the way, let go of the need to control others or the situations around you, minimized the ability of others to influence you, your emotions, principles or actions…everything you’ve been talking about for the past 8 months is summed up in one neat little ‘personal mission statement’. I love it. I get it now. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I owe you for this one. Big time.
Now…I’m going to go get in touch with my observer self and come up with my own organically homegrown boundaries!
M,
This is the perfect opportunity for me to illustrate why HGM is so important to me. I write a post, get it out there, take it from my heart and let if fly. Then I go to sleep. I wake up and wonder, Did that make any sense at all? And how will I not let what I wrote dissipate, fade away? I have to hold on to these words, lessons. Then I read a comment like yours and it solidifies all that I was aiming to communicate. It reaffirms for me what I’m feeling inside.
You thank me three times, I thank you ten. Although I love the number 3 more. But not as much as you.
Cleo’s personal mission statement. I adore that. Those statements are my guide for life. I will not falter. I can honestly say that I want to live my life with those principles completely intact. Join me?
Love yourself,
Cleo
When I grow up, I want to be just like you ! I no longer think of this as, “Your Blog” but, my therapy session. Feel free to send my soon to be ex husband a bill !!!!
R,
Sweet! But for you it’s free. We just won’t tell him. It’s our joint therapy!
So grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I too have saved your list of “boundaries” because they so eloquently and succinctly articulate my own new approach to living my life. I’m noticing that creating space for listening is especially crucial right now for me. My husband and I are struggling to communicate more meaningfully as we test for signs of life in a new post-rupture relationship. Our marriage as we knew it is over. As I try to do more listening and less talking, I’m noticing how difficult that is for me. I have lots to say but talking is a way that I control the outcome. By not talking, I may not control the outcome but I am creating an opportunity to learn something and to grow. In our marriage that is now over, my talking made it easy for my husband to not talk. I didn’t notice that in not talking, he was hiding. He isn’t hiding anymore and he is, very slowly, learning to talk about what is going on inside of him. It takes patience and discipline for me to refrain, but I think it’s working.
Your posts are so valuable to me. They resonate more than you can know and it helps to feel in the company of all those going through something similar. I think you should organize a meeting for all of us (I live in the Bay Area too) one day when you are comfortable with no longer being anonymous. I am picturing a hike and a picnic on a beach.
R,
It would be other-wordly to be in the presence of you all. What fun we would have, and what morsels of wisdom would cascade down the sand cliffs of Sculptured Beach!
I love how you are flowing through this most challenging time. The Boundaries for Myself will support these Herculean efforts of yours beautifully. I am so very proud of you and so grateful you are here. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I realize this post is quite old, but I have to say it truly struck a chord with me. I am crying tears of joy and unexpected relief. I am not alone in this struggle I expected to end. It will not end, unless I change my process of dealing. Let it flow. Thank you! XO
J, Your words are so perfectly timed! We JUST talked about his on the Weekly Call. How we can’t expect to end the struggle unless we change how we are dealing with it! Yes. Surrender, J. I am so grateful these words resonated with you and thank you for taking the time to comment. Please consider joining us on the Weekly Call – one hour a week will help you to expedite the growth process. Magic s…tuff happens there. You ca register at cleoeverest.com Stay close. I’m here to help in any way. Love yourself, Cleo