My body is wrecked. Numb. Muscles aching from holding on for dear life. Today was moving day. But not for me. For The Genius. Yet my body feels like I did the heavy lifting.
He came to empty the garage of his belongings and move into his house. I feel like a tornado came through here, and in the midst of it all I relived every emotion I have had since the Pocket Call, since the discovery of his infidelity.
I’m spent.
I evacuated more crap through my brain today than a newborn on mother’s milk. My heart just ached. Deeply ached. Not because The Genius is moving out, nor that he’s moving in nearby, but because I feel like I’m on an island.
Check that. My heart ached because I allowed myself to feel like I’m on an island. So, that’s how I felt. And it hurt.
The tall dude was bouncing with energy upon waking Sunday morning to see Daddy. I got up early to make them a hot breakfast so they would be fed and dressed before he arrived. During the night the little dude crawled into bed with me. I kissed him as I left for the kitchen, staring into his massive blue puddles, suggesting that he cuddle up with High Maintenance Kitty and sleep some more. He stroked my cheek, asked for a nose kiss and told me I was a great cuddler. I left for the kitchen feeling loved, content and rested.
I figured this would be like any other day with a Genius sighting. I thought I was prepared. Stay centered, relax, it will be over soon. I was so very wrong.
My emotions ran wild. Instead of focusing on the fact that I’m one step closer to being solely a co-parent with him, I chose to go back in time. It wasn’t the healthiest thing to do, but it happened. And it upended me.
I thought about how The Genius is begging for me to be all friendly with him (although even if I was the Hostess of the Year that wouldn’t be good enough), never comprehending that it’s a near impossible feat when I think about the text I received a few days back that read:
You can hold onto my betrayal of you as something that is the worst thing ever, but it’s a farce.
He went on to say the stuff about how I didn’t care about him enough as a person to have any empathy for what’s it like to be discarded by me – “YOU think you were the only one discarded here. Not true.”
The affair, the four years of lies, that wasn’t that bad for you, c’mon! Look at me, all discarded and stuff!
You never liked me anyway. (He says, not understanding the irony of that statement. There was no reason to like you had I known what you were doing to me behind my back.)
The two statements, me holding onto betrayal and The Genius feeling discarded, have nothing to do with each other. The events they reference happened four years apart. Yet he tied them together. He showed me zero respect for four years, reducing that time in my life to one massive memory of betrayal. Stripping away the joy surrounding the first four years of the little dude’s five year long life and replacing them with feelings of, How could I have been so dumb? For that long.
How can he say that the pain that results from being lied to by your spouse for years is a farce?
And now he wants me to get a job and forgo the one year in the little dude’s life where I can create non-toxic memories in our one-on-one time together while the tall dude is at school? And he thinks I’m childish, irresponsible and rude for not wanting to hop all over that idea? He brings his mistress into my house when I clearly forbid him to do so? And he wonders why I’m not stoked to go through our pots and pans together, deciding who gets what? Or why I can’t make eye contact with him? Or why I don’t trust him as far as I could throw him? Why I don’t respect him? Why I feel totally disrespected by him? He judges me for wanting to remain a stay-at-home mom but bristles when I express that I can’t trust him based on his deceitful past?
So, after that small sampling of pungent, brutal thoughts I started to realize this day was becoming a real downer. Not quite a pity party, more like a solo journey thought the land of pit and pity.
I won’t keep you on this train for much longer. It’s so not why we are all here. Suffice it to say, I wrapped the day facing west at sunset, realizing that the boys don’t get it. Nor should they. Nor can they. The two people that I spend the majority of my time with, the two people to whom I am the most devoted, the two people whom I love with all my heart and soul have no clue as to why I am sad.
It’s not for them to know now. But that doesn’t mean I’m on an island. Just because Dad is all shiny to them doesn’t mean they don’t love me deeply. Just because they don’t know what he did to me doesn’t make it any less despicable.
Today was a rough day. I’m having a hard time getting my feelings and emotions and thoughts settled enough to write it out. I’m going to get a good night’s sleep and continue this post tomorrow night, after I’ve had a chance to ponder some more.
Before I go, I want to leave you with a quote sent to me in a comment today from M. The words are perfectly suited for where my heart is at right now. While I feel like I’ve just spat out a bunch of woe is me and blah, blah, blah, know that I am swirling these words around in my being and believe them completely:
“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
Because of these words I will sleep well tonight. These words serve to reinforce that, regardless of the challenges of the day, I must remain focused on the overall journey. These painful times will be contrasted by equally beautiful times. When I get back to center I will begin to see more clearly. I know that. I believe it.
Soon, this pain will pass…tomorrow I will hike Mt. Tam from Stinson Beach, taking the long route. I’m aiming for 22 miles. I want to sweat and shred and burn. I haven’t hiked since I returned from Whitney but for a few five-milers here and there. I can state with total certainty that I need it. In the best possible way. And I deserve to do it.
Thank you so much for holding my hand these past few days. They’ve been bat crazy. Especially today. I will bundle up all the tears and sadness and angst and leave it on the mountain in your honor, and come back to you a more gentle, centered and optimistic Cleo.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear, dear Cleo, the Genius is such a narcissistic sociopath, don’t let his b.s. get you down. Give yourself a big hug, you are rising above his self-centered world and he doesn’t like that all your attention isn’t focused on him any longer. As you tell us, “love yourself”.
M,
Thank you for taking the time to lend your hand. I’m reminded of lyrics from a song by Josh Clayton Felt: Every day your born and every night you die. Let the dragon fly come and give you a ride.
I’m going to love myself today by immersing myself in nature. With all the lp swimming I’ve been doing I haven’t been cradled in her arms for a while. It’s clearly time.
Thank you, M.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I totally feel your pain Cleo! I remember the week that I had to start cleaning out our house in order to move with my boys. My ex had already moved out and was living in an apartment so it all fell on me. When I hit our basement storage room it felt like a field of land mines! One photo album was worse than another. And then I found the note he left me one morning when we were a year into our marriage (it lasted 13 years)–it said “I love you enough to make a baby with you!” And THAT was enough to send me over an emotional edge! It continued like that for hours and hours. It was beyond painful. But in the end it was cathartic and helped me to have some closure.
And what did he have to do? I left him the garage to clean out and know what he said to me? He texted me “Thanks for leaving so much shit for me to have to go through–I thought you said you packed everything up?” I wanted to go ballistic on him! Not only was this was a 4,000 sq ft house but he had no idea what I had to go through emotionally to pack up that house that we lived in together with our three boys… NO IDEA. It just showed me the severe imbalance that had existed in our relationship and how nothing I did was ever enough.
And the whole “you never liked me anyway”–yeah, I got that one too. Along with “I’m not really sure I ever loved you.” It’s what they HAVE to tell themselves to feel ok about their actions. They have to justify it somehow and that seems to be the easiest way–to just nullify the past relationship–even a 13 year one with 3 kids.
I read a great book when all this shit hit the fan (actually, I read about 20 self-help books!) and the one that resonated with me the most was called “Broken Open: How Difficult Times Help Us Grow” by Elizabeth Lesser. I read it twice it was so helpful. If you get a chance, pick it up–I think you’ll love it!
N,
Thank you for taking the time to share these words with me, with us. As many of us have said, it’s so helpful to know we’re not alone. I’m not the only one that feels like a hand-mixer is shoved into my skull, pureeing the contents within.
Your words, and the words of my Mom, reverberate in my core. I can no longer be affected by his need to make himself feel better. I don’t care what he thinks of me. I don’t care if he thinks I’m angry or spoiled or a freaking Unicorn. I don’t care that he takes pleasure in criticizing my inability to fix a printer or set up a ladder. I don’t care that he thinks he’s utterly perfect. Incapable of ever being wrong. We are uncoupled. I made a very bad choice 16 years ago. It was truly unconscious.
I am paying the price for it now. Ah, but because of the way I am navigating these waters I know I will create for myself a magical life. I know that.
Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, the good news of course is that you won’t have to split up the pots and pans ever again. You’re through it. You did it. You made it.
Sounds like the Genius is learning the hard lesson about the financial costs of divorce. He will soon find out that you are entitled to the lifestyle to which you had become accustomed, meaning that the little dude will continue to get your full attention, at least for the near and middle future. I assume you have a lawyer who is explaining all of this to you, in clear and present terms.
I’m sorry for your pain. Let it course through you like a waterfall. You are doing beautifully.
M,
And I got the garage door opener and keys back! Even though he tried to explain that it’s a good idea for him to have them in case of an emergency. As if I’m incapable of handling any such emergency or making my own contingency plans in the event of one. My goodness…
I will raise my children, M. It’s what is best for them for now and for their future.
The pain has its benefits, my dear. Thank you for your kind words, and for being here when you could be drifting across the wide blue sky. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Change your locks. I’m certain he expected you to ask for keys and has made a set for himself. Trust me on this one.
J,
I trust you. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Remind yourself, his wanting for you to be friends is just to make himself feel better – like it wasn’t his fault. He is continuing to reject responsibilty and as soon as you let him off the hook, he is going to start feeling better about himself. And we as your kittens really don’t want that.
Stay Strong!
A,
Thank you, A. I will. I’m heading to the mountain to reclaim my grace and joy. And to remind myself that I do not answer to him. I am here for the children and for me. And for the kittens!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
I’m a huge proponent of putting on your big girl panties, but I’ve had this particular thought through the past few posts of yours: CUT YOURSELF A BREAK. In this great educational journey of self-growth that started not long ago, I would estimate that you are almost in junior high. Yes, you have discovered leaps and bounds about yourself, but this is just the beginning! Deep down, you know the strength within (Mt. Whitney’s got nothin’ on you), but everyone falters now and again. Others have said it before — you’re human.
For me, when I’m down, I have to remind myself to embrace the feeling and let it take its course lest the sadness/grief/anger continue to rear its head here and there for weeks. Once I allow myself to go through whatever process I need to get it out of my system, I can move on without fearing that it will pop up at some inopportune time. Well, it may still pop up, but it is not nearly as debilitating as it would have been had I tried to repress it initially.
I love your fierce strength and obstinate positivity, but let yourself grieve. It is all a part of who you are and where you’re headed. I like to think of the whole process as letting go — of your previous picture of family, of who you thought The Genius was, and even of who you were. The grief helps flush all this crap out of your system. Then you can really put on your big girl panties and live freely. And we’ll all still be here cheering you on.
C,
Oh, no! You said panties!
Thank you. For your words, your wisdom and your presence. I’m heading out to hike 20 miles. My soul is begging for it. I will grieve and I will love myself. And I will allow the emotions rolling around inside to have their moments. When I walk off the trail to the beach I will gather them up and set them adrift on wave. With appreciation.
“CUT YOURSELF A BREAK” – I needed to hear that. You made me smile, C. So very grateful.
Love yourself,
Cleo
C,
Oh, no! You said panties!
Thank you. For your words, your wisdom and your presence. I’m heading out to hike 20 miles. My soul is begging for it. I will grieve and I will love myself. And I will allow the emotions rolling around inside to have their moments. When I walk off the trail to the beach I will gather them up and set them adrift on wave. With appreciation.
“CUT YOURSELF A BREAK” – I needed to hear that. You made me smile, C. So very grateful.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Ah, Cleo…such a hard day. You don’t deserve any of this and your feelings are NOT a farce. His behavior conjures up in me so many juvenile retorts (“your FACE is a farce!”) but he will continue to believe what helps him sleep at night and nothing you do or say will be good enough. So why exert the energy to help him feel better? Save it for your hike. Nature will allow you to cry, scream, hurt, and maybe even smile again. We kittens will be here for you when you come back down, as Kelly Clarkson (and Nietzsche) says, stronger.
T,
Thank you for taking the time to comment, T. And while on holiday! I hope you found a Clear Conscience in Napa.
“…he will continue to believe what helps him sleep at night and nothing you do or say will be good enough.” Today’s hike will be about letting go of any desire to have him understand anything about me. It’s pointless. And not the point! The point is to move forward confidently, making the best decisions for the boys and me, and trust that the boys will grow up to be responsible, morally grounded, respectable young men because I will lead them in that direction and seek the support of those around me to reinforce these ideals.
T, you rock. Now get out there and have some vino! I’ll blow you a kiss from the top of Tam!
Love yourself,
Cleo
I think you’re confusing TXCristen with me
It was so great connecting with you for a few minutes at Mt Tam yesterday. I hadn’t yet read this post – and I’m wishing I had so I could have hugged you a little longer.
You are incredible Miss Cleo, neverlose sight of that.
Nancy
N,
Yes, I did!!! I made sure you gave me a long hug before you departed. It was really wonderful to have met you. You’ll be a feature in this evening’s post. I’m so grateful to have been on the mountain yesterday. So grateful.
Thank you for your kind words, beautiful lady. Have fun playing in NoCal!
Love yourself,
Cleo
No words, Cleo. I have no pithy words of wisdom to share, or pearls of knowledge, or recommendations to offer. First I must also work through a cyclone of emotions going on in my own mind, my very core. But I can offer you a big Big BIG hug, kitten style. ((((((((HUUUUUGS))))))) Tomorrow is another day.
L,
Hug scarfed up and much appreciated. I’ll think of you on Tam. Your presence and support is much appreciated. We’re here to help in any way we can.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi, just wanted to say that I am with you on this journey. Left my husband 3 months ago in a similar set of circumstances. I look forward to reading your posts and I find inspiration in every one. I especially appreciate your sense of humor and your adventurousness, around encounters as a sign of life after death, and in your reliance on nature as a source of healing. I am with you.
I wanted to write today because I also recognize your sadness and anger, and your determination not to let them add insult to injury. But I am finding myself that a necessary part of healing is to just let all of that mess be part of my new life, for now. I wonder sometimes what I have to be sad about, good riddance and all of that. The other day I figured it out. It is the disappointment. What I thought he was, what I hoped my marriage would be, and every little sign that I was wrong about him and us that just crushed me along the way. I hoped, I dreamed, I wanted to believe. And the universe said, “sorry, not for you.” Ouch.
Sometimes I run to the hills, like you do, and other times I just sit on the couch, unplug, and bawl. The aftermath is a tremendous gift, like the fresh feeling after a big rain. The sadness and anger are in you, taking up space that could and will be filled with love and joy. That space isn’t clear though until you let the dark stuff out. Loving yourself means loving those feelings — they are you, too. My advice that you didn’t ask for: let them have their moment, love yourself when you are weak as when you are strong, and trust that feeling sad, sometimes, for now, is the path toward greater happiness. It is the only way.
Big hug, DG
D,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for being here. And for your kind words and wisdom. Especially the wisdom. I spent the bulk of the evening last night quietly telling myself all the things I was doing wrong. Not a shock after being in the company of The Genius where he takes special delight in doing just that. Myself bravely took it. And then, as I crawled into bed it said, “Well. That sucked. How about tomorrow we get back to being all in love with each other?”
Best partner I ever had, that self of mine.
I balled yesterday, and today I run smack into the arms of nature. I’m so grateful to have today to be with her. And to know that you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo,
I ache for you. Despite knowing you will be fine, I feel such empathy and compassion for this leg of your journey. Please take comfort in all the love we have for you here and our certain confidence in your many abilities. Be kind to yourself and let yourself feel every emotion that is crashing into you. It’s hardest to be so broken inside and have the smalls so unaware. I remember trying to hide my tears and being unsuccessful as my intrepid youngest girl (a Scorpio through and through) always knew when I was down.
If I may and I hesitate to even go there, but please start preparing yourself for the thought of your boys getting close to this other person (HDC), there are likely more shocking things to come and it will be easier on you if you start to explore how that would/will feel. Having your child embrace another person, a person that participated in the deceit that undid the family is very hard to take graciously and needs preparing for. I only mention it since it seems his Highness of Vitriol (THE GENIUS) seems bent on continuing his relationship with HDC, although how he and she can do so with any level of trust in each other is laughable and seeming more impossible than time travel.
I thought the hardest thing would be the actual breaking up of the home, dividing things and making new routines. I was mistaken. The hardest part was my ex turning towards hatred and embracing it feverishly without regard for the smalls we’d created. He regularly “stole” things from me and did vile things particularly after the divorce was final. So be careful with your things and your boundaries and space.
I’m digressing – so I will end with a big tight hug for you Cleo.
J,
Hugs taken and appreciated! Thank you. I’m grateful you are here and that you took the time to share your wisdom with me, with us.
“Having your child embrace another person, a person that participated in the deceit that undid the family is very hard to take graciously and needs preparing for.” I’m going to earn my SAG card on this one.
Trust, and other assorted inconvenient values, must not be part of their world.
For trust and love and joy to be part of mine I must release any attachment to the need to be understood by The Genius. It’s simply not going to happen. I will not allow that to turn into anger or disgust, but recognize it for what it is: making a choice for my own good. Which will nourish my self-worth, bringing me one little step closer to manifesting my brilliant;y designed future, whatever it may hold.
Thank you, J. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
In Hebrew, the word for husband is the same as the word for owner.
True, it is a reinvention of an ancient language which we speak. When you say ‘my husband’ you are literally saying ‘my owner’ -Ba’ali. The word for wife is ‘woman’ (i’sha), so the husband is saying ‘my woman’ and you get the pleasure of saying ‘my owner’ ;0!
Men, everywhere, even today, have that little part of ancient genetics they cannot let go of, the thought that they literally own you.
Case in point, even though this man, The Genius, is no longer your ‘owner’ he sure acts as such. Telling you how to feel, how to behave, how you should remember the past and how to think about the present and future, what you should do with your time, if you should get another job on top of the full time mothering job you already have. He even felt he had the RIGHT to bring his side-piece into your home.
Simply… this man, is no longer your owner. Set yourself free
xo
L,
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I’m taking your words with me to the top of Tam. They motivate and inspire me. I am my own woman. His opinions, thoughts, feelings about me are like vapor. They don’t serve me. They aren’t for me. I am not his woman.
Wow. You fired me up. That ROCKS. I am so very grateful for your presence here at HGM.
Love yourself,
Cleo
You are welcome my love, I come from a culture where women stick together-we are the glue that holds the world together.
xo
L,
And the gentle spirit that will hopefully take us from violence to peace.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Which is why God invented lawyers.
A,
You know you rock.
Love yourself,
I wish I was better read or more evolved to have at my fingertips such a wonderful quote. It is so moving and I plan to post it in my bathroom and read it each morning to remind me of the wonders of the the questions. It seems so much healthier than my current quote, but this one does make me laugh. I hope I can at least pass on a chuckle.
“You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands. For instance, if they are placed around your throat, she’s probably slightly upset.”
N,
Slightly… If they were signing the burial documents you would know she was REALLY upset.
Beautiful words in that quote. I will be printing it out as well. And placing it smack in the center of my vision board.
Thank you, N. Rock your day.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I wish I was drinking a Clear Conscience with your right now…. however, i would probably keep spitting my drink out everytime I think of his text. Or falling off my chair.
May I rant?
I am so angry to read this – that he said this – why do they do this? Have you not been through enough?
Cleo- he has to blame you because if he accepts what he has done, how can he cope? On some level, he knows this. He cannot accept responsibility for his betrayal of you, your children, your vows because he is to weak to man up here.
It’s very pathetic on his part. He sounds like a sociopath…and a narcissist. Maybe he is neither and just weak (and why does happy dance chick think he won’t cheat on her?!) Anyway, Genius is making excuses for himself.
Genius, MAN UP here and take some responsibility for your behavior!
About the financial support. Disgusting. Sorry, I am not very upbeat today. I have no patience for this kind of thing. You guys had a deal, you stayed home with kids instead of earning your own $. You raised your kids while he traveled. Your staying home allowed him to flourish at work…..He made a pact with you, he broke it. His problem and he should not hurt you more by doing what he is doing. I have a job and have always worked, so I do not get maintenance. But, that was the deal we had. I worked, he worked, we both raised the kids. Now I only raise our kids, but he pays child support generously.
Genius, again MAN UP and do the right thing here. IT is never to late to correct the path you are on.
Cleo in the meantime, you are an amazing path. This shows you how clearly right it is for you to be free of this ball and chain. Follow your beautiful rightful path each step.
Caitlin
C,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for your words of support, your rant – which must have felt good, no?
As I move into this new phase, realizing that the boys will be away from me ever other weekend and a night or two during the week, I am further committed to do what I know is the right thing to do. He will not take away from me this most important time with them. He will not. It’s essential to my growth to stand up for what I need and know that I deserve to do so.
It’s a shame that he doesn’t realize that by doing the right thing he will help to create positive experiences for himself. Instead, he’s going to create regrets and dis-ease.
Yes, it is clear that I am not to play in that kind of sand box. So grateful to firmly believe that in my core.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh Cleo, I’m so glad that my intuition guided me to share words with you that were helpful to you in the moment you needed them. Don’t you just love when we get guidance like that to help each other along the way? And interestingly enough, today I opened a weekly email that I subscribe to that includes quotes, wisdom, et cetera about healing and just guess what the quote of the day was. Yep! The very same Rilke quote! The Universe is really trying to get my attention on that one
I also want to add that you have been such a big inspiration for me. I have never been married or divorced, but your words and journey of self-love and self-discovery resonate with me nevertheless. Last month I was hiking in the Wind River Range in Wyoming (which is stunningly beautiful and a can’t-miss, by the way) and I had to hike out from our backpacking trip a few days earlier than the rest of the group to get to work. I was responsible for getting myself and two dogs (one mine, one my boyfriend’s) over a section of backcountry with no trail, over a gnarly boulder field, and ten miles back to the parking lot. I have lots of outdoor experience but I felt nervous about that hike out. One of the dogs took off after an elk, I couldn’t find the trail, and the boulders on the route I took were WAY bigger than I thought they would be. As I climbed up, down, and around boulders while trying to keep the dogs with me, my legs shaking with fear and fatigue, I thought of you. I thought to myself, what would Cleo do/say in this situation? She would look at this as an opportunity to be strong, to be independent, to learn a lesson, and to thank Mother Nature for whatever she throws at you that day. And you know what? I didn’t give up. I took a deep breath, told the dogs we were going to be fine, and patiently and slowly picked my way through the boulders until we all reached the safety of the marked trail on the other side. So thank you!
You rock and don’t forget, we’re all in this together.
Maggie
M,
Ha! The Universe saying, Thanks for sharing and now remember to apply this to your own life, too. Love that!
And your story about the hike. First, thank you for your kind words. It feels amazing to know that you were thinking of me as you scaled the boulders, finding your way to the marked trail. I am very proud of your determined efforts to power through and not lose sight of the beauty and thrill of accomplishing your goal. I’m going to have to make my way out to that range and follow in your footsteps. I’ve never been to Wyoming. While Madagascar is my top choice for travel, Wyoming is a lot closer and it’s a lot less expensive to get there.
You rock, and boulder…stay close, please.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Sweet girl,
I feel a little silly asking such a well-read chick if she’s read Nora Ephron’s Heartburn? One of my favorite books, ever. When I’m stuck on anything, I thumb through my latest copy and it helps me resurface, every time. She powers through the pain of betrayal and divorce from a man I will now always think of as ‘proto-genius’; now that I think of it, maybe your Genius is using Heartburn as a manual in how to be a crappy dude? Food for thought. As is the following quote from Ms. Ephron: “And then the dreams break into a million tiny pieces. Which leaves you with a choice: you can settle for reality, or you can go off, like a fool, and dream another dream.” I know what choice you, and all of the lovely people who write you and are going through what you are, will make.
All the love there is,
H
H,
Oh, H, the days of being well-read are on holiday. Be design, I feel. I haven’t had the time to read in eons. Since the Pocket Call actually. I’ve been writing instead. Hours and hours of writing. I say ‘by design’ for a reason – yesterday on Mt. Tam I had the feeling that I’m not supposed to read these books, yet. This point in my journey will unfold from within, organically. And with all of you and your amazing words of wisdom and support to help me along the way.
I don’t know the reason why, but I know for sure that that feeling was strong, and needed to be felt. So, it’s not for lack of time, because time can always be created for those activities that must be accomplished, but rather because now is not the time.
Soon, I hope! Thank you so much for being here, H. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I jumped to the end immediately after reading your reply to Nicole. Someone else may have already said this but I knew I had to, you DID NOT make a mistake 16 years ago! For so many reasons-learning, experience, growth, etc. but most importantly because big dude and little dude wouldnt be here without that decision. He loses, you don’t!
Rylan
R,
I felt the very same thing when I thought of my use of those words while hiking Tam yesterday. It wasn’t a mistake, it was a choice. I made the choice to marry The Genius. I have to say, a large part of me wishes I didn’t, feels that the souls of the boys would have found their way to me, and I wonder what my life could have been like had I made a different choice.
Alas, there’s no benefit to wondering about that. But I am grateful for the rich layer this experience has added to my being. I feel quite fulfilled in a strange way. Thank you for your support, R. You know how much it means to me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Big hugs coming from me across the bay to you, Cleo. Try not to let his nonsense make you sad, and focus instead on the joy of your boys and the great things in your life. Genius aka Asshat is a sorry excuse for a person who should be a real man and own up to his mistakes, not blame you or belittle you for calling him on his pathetic behavior. XO
L,
Thank you for the hugs. I’ve felt them coming from all directions and I’m so very grateful. And for your words of support. The past 24 hours have shown me that it matters not what The Genius does or says, but how I respond does matter. I need to remain centered and gentle in spite of attempts to dislodge me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I hope you poured yourself a big ole glass of wine. Ive got one right now. A toast to new beginnings?
L,
She says, ‘a’ big ole glass of wine… Does that mean singular?
Love yourself,
Cleo
My dear Cleo,
I have to second the words of a previous commenter “cut yourself a break!” (put those on the vision board
. I truly believe part of the journey of self-love and self-healing is to embrace the hurt parts, the angry parts as pieces of the path. Yes, we move past them but they should be acknowledged with love. They aren’t as lovely as the view from Mt. Tam but they are still part of the scenery.
There is a lovely proverb that I’m sure I will mangle here — it’s not how many times you fall down, it’s how many times you get back up that matters.
K,
And whether or not your thong shows! Thankfully, I didn’t fall last night on the pitch black trails of Mt. Tam.
Thank you for the tough love. Your words, coupled with the events on Mt. Tam, are heard loud and clear. And they are spot on. So grateful for the reinforcement.
Love yourself,
Cleo
In a very weird coincidence, my husband moved the last of his things out yesterday as well. Bizarre. And he also somehow thinks we can be pals. He cut his finger the other night and texted me a photo of it all bandaged up. Texted me the next day to let me know he wasn’t feeling well. Um… why? I have been frequently accused of playing the ‘victim card’, and had to listen to him say things like, “Oh that’s right, I’m the *bad* guy…” Ah, yeah. You are. The bad guy is the guy who does bad things. This just in, that’s you. Cheating on your wife repeatedly is bad- and you are the guy who did it. Not rocket science.
L,
It’s pretty simple, no? They had a choice to make. They made it.
I suppose it is naive for us to assume that after years of lies, deceit and sleazy behavior that they would actually act like men. Perhaps by simply letting go of that ludicrous ideal I will be free of thoughts that The Genius should do the right thing. More likely, once I do the right thing for the boys and myself, and deal with whatever challenges are created as a result, I will forever be free of him. Even though I’ll have to still co-parent with him, he will be nothing more than a human being that lives on the fringes of my world.
Thank you for walking with me through this time. No coincidences, m’lady. Just shared support for each other and wishes for an abundance of joy and laughter for us both to roll around in.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I am not a ‘turn the other cheek’ kind of person (as I’m sure you’ve gleaned by now).
That said, I want you to know that The Genius’ little bimbo girlfriend is going to have to live with the following thought in the back of her tiny little brain for the rest of her life:
“If he did it WITH me (‘it’ being cheating); he will most certainly do it TO me at some point”
Why am I pointing this out? Because imagine being HER right now. I can’t think of any place that would be worse. Knowing that, eventually, you are going to feel the horrible pain that you yourself caused someone else first.
You are strong. You are amazing. He’s one of the most selfish men I’ve ever heard of. He and the bimbette deserve each other. You are free.
Wow..Cleo as I was reading this I was in such a shock and in a way at ease because it made me feel I’m not alone. I have days like this where it all crumbles down, like today I found some old pic of my ex and I for my baby shower and other pic that Just broke me down how happy we where and how it was all a lie. As I read ur post I couldn’t stop the tears coming from my eyes. I hope one day we no longer give these useless men the power they have over us to feel like this. I hope one day this will all be over and no longer remembered ..thanks so much for everything I’m here for u remember to take day by day god is great
R,
You are not alone. All this emoting is good for the body. We get it out, shine a light on the pain, and set it free. The right choices will liberate us from negative thoughts. I choose to be happy. I choose to stay centered and open-hearted. I choose to be compassionate. I choose to move beyond the traps of mind chatter, remain firmly present in the moment and be always grateful.
I know you’ll join me in making those same choices. Thank you for being here, R. You give us strength as you express your own vulnerabilities. I’m here for you, too, m’lady.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Ok i have to comment here cleo. WHAT? He said you have no empathy because you discarded him?!?!?!
What does that even mean? M’i getting this wrong? Isnt he the one who chose to lie? Be with that low life of a human being? Did he want you to suck it up and play happy family with him regardless? Did he want you to work through this mess and be with him after he left hdc?
Im sorry but my brain kind of stopped at that point too much crap to take in.
I will continuing reading later his attitude just made me sick
Ps: you dont have to post this comment since it really wont help anyone. Just had to get this out. And you write so well i hope you write a book and i will deefinately buy it.
A,
I had to post it – your ‘voice’ is hilarious! I can HEAR you! And I’m laughing.
Thank you. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo