The drive home from Stinson Beach is one I treasure. Whether I go north or south to reach my destination, the road curves and winds along where land ends and the sea begins. I love the feeling of straddling those two worlds. As I snake left then right, then up and down and left and right again, things sort themselves out inside me. I feel Mt. Tam and I feel the Pacific, and I feel at home. And it always feels celebratory. Even on the night of The Boy.
All that had happened on the mountain that day was cradled in my belly as I drove home after my encounter with The Boy and assorted wildlife. So many emotions, thoughts, signs all simmering together into a nourishing stew. I felt disinclined to dig deep, rather preferring to let the answers unveil themselves when the timing was just right. (Consider them, the answers, locked doors or books written in a foreign language…) It was refreshing to have a breather from 24/7 excavation at a time when I felt pressured by myself to get to the root of why I felt out of sorts the past several days. I felt relieved of the need to understand it all right then. I felt serene. It was enough for me to know that the day was packed full of amazing experiences that I believed in my core were designed to show me the way. Eventually.
The next morning I woke up. Thank God. (I’m not yet an angel!) And then I felt my legs. Whoa. I thought I was in decent shape, but the soreness I felt in my quads and the outside of my thighs and hips suggested otherwise. I was more sore after the run down Tam than the day hike of Mt. Whitney. Hands down, I’d hike Whitney alone with a 2 pound arachnid on my forehead before I’d run down Tam again. I could barely walk. Two fluid sacs on my right knee added considerably to its original width. And the knee decided it was on strike. No bending, no quick movements. No hiking for a while. That 5 mile run took its toll. But I’d do it all over again for The Boy.
At 11:15-ish AM I was on the phone with The Genius. To be honest, I don’t recall what we were discussing, but I can say with absolute certainty that my core was clenched, my face stoic, my energy pulled way back, and even if he was just telling me I was a ginger, I wasn’t believing him. Because I don’t trust him.
Then my cell phone rang. It was The Boy.
I answered my cell with The Genius still on the other phone, not muted. It was not the way I had wanted to receive a call from The Boy. I didn’t want those two worlds colliding. I wanted to be fully present for him. Not distracted by the fact that I had another call on hold, and it was – of all people – The Genius. The man who thinks I run around ‘saving doves’. Whatever the h that means. But I couldn’t not answer the call.
Cleo, it’s The Boy.
Hi. How are you?
I’m okay. I wanted to call you and let you know that. I’m okay. They couldn’t reattach my finger, but I’m going to be okay. Thank you for staying with me. You…
Cleo, you were my angel.
Cue gutteral reaction, groundhog day music (Is there such a thing?), whatever makes you feel, This again? This reaction to these words…again?? They floated in front of me, all the letters of those words. A thread from each shot to my core and tied it up, like Elmer Fudd wrapping ribbons around a bomb as a present for Bugs Bunny. In one hand a person telling me I’m an angel and in the other hand a person who thinks I’m an entitled princess who’s appalling and lacks empathy. Not so angelic, right?
HOLY ARACHNID! THAT’S WHY I FEEL IT SO PHYSICALLY WHEN I HEAR SOMEONE SAY I’M AN ANGEL!
(And that, kittens, might be the absolute worst sentence I’ve ever written, but I’m letting it stand. It just came flying out of my heart…epiphany time.)
Because that is definitely NOT the way The Genius sees me. Up until I discovered concrete evidence of his four year affair (post-Pocket Call), it was all I love you, When I’m not with you, I’m with no one, I miss my family. And then it became You’re this and you’re that (insert excuses we’ve all heard) and you’re not growing up and moving on and taking responsibility. Our marriage was over a long time ago.
Hearing someone say I’m an angel, actually hearing them say it in person, is in such direct contrast to what I’m being told by the person to whom I committed myself for life. The very same person who used to call me angel in some way shape or form in nearly every anniversary, holiday and birthday card during our entire marriage.
I am wired to give more weight to the opinion of The Genius than that of a multitude of other people. And that is completely ludicrous. It actually makes me sad. Even though I know his opinion is skewed by his own emotions surrounding his infidelity, I believe his words, on a deep, unconscious level.
And I just became conscious of that.
I took a moment just now to sit outside and let this sink in. It didn’t take long for the following realization to come to light:
I don’t believe in myself.
Followed quickly by,
I love myself.
But I don’t believe in myself.
Wow. That just shot me right off course. There I was, telling you about my call with The Boy and now I’m trying to understand how I can not believe in me. It’s not a package deal with love yourself? How can those two not be bundled?
I’ve got some rewiring to do.
The Boy and I wrapped our call quickly. I promised a text to follow up and this is what I sent:
I was on the other phone when you called. I am sorry they weren’t able to reattach your finger. But you’re brave, and I know that you will be okay. I don’t know how old you are, but I saw the wisdom of a much older soul realize in the moment that there was a deeper meaning to the events of yesterday. Seize this opportunity. I am grateful I was there to help. Thank you for letting me. And for causing me to pause and ponder how our lives can change in the blink of an eye. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need to. Shine on, beautiful spirit!
I never heard back.
Since last week I have spent all my downtime pondering those events and what they have stirred up within me. As you can see by the above realization, things have been pretty busy here. Speeding up. Signs everywhere. Sometimes I feel like I’m not getting anywhere and then a crystal clear picture materializes in front of my eyes. And then I notice, in hindsight, the sensation of backroom processing I felt as I sat in judgment of my inability to find the meaning.
In the last 12 hours much has become clear about my super-epic hike of Mt. Tam. The answers have trickled in with perfect timing…as in right now.
The Boy gives me the courage to know that I am capable of remaining calm, focused, centered and effective in a crisis, perceived or real. I will not die in the conference room tomorrow morning when The Genius and I attempt to make progress on our divorce. I will not even lose a fingernail.
The bobcat(s) is telling me to be patient. To plan, to adapt and to manifest. To trust that I will achieve my goal (in his world, catch the prey). He validates my need to seek the deeper meaning, to tap into the mystery of life. He asks me to unlock my secret inner wisdom and talents. And to create. Most importantly, he represents the true power and strength in silence, a call to observe, observe, observe.
The kitten sighting of NancyTex shows me how important you all are on this journey. I’m betting the Day of The Boy is going to prove to be a monument-worthy day, or at least a half-day, in the HGM archives. It couldn’t pass without direct representation from the kittens. But she did more than represent, she pulled me right back to center. And sent me off feeling confident that my sense of well-being, self-worth was growing stronger, in spite of the days when it doesn’t feel that way.
Mt. Tam rekindled my intuition. I felt very much a step ahead of where I was that day. Very connected to what was happening or about to happen around me. And still do.
And then, today in computer lab at the little dude’s school, the girl who sat and cried that first day finished off this banana split of wisdom and reasons to be grateful:
She bounded into the room, the lower half of her face one grand smile. Her shoes were covered in glitter. I spent the first 10 minutes in the middle row, thinking all of the students were in front of me. They were creating jack o’ lanterns and practicing their spelling. I heard some giggling behind me and realized two students were in the last row, their faces buried in the screens. I walked around to check their progress and found, to my delight, that she was excitedly typing out the words October and Halloween. She laughed at her pumpkin, changed its eyes to big circles and laughed some more.
Look at you! Having so much fun! And to think it was only a few weeks ago that you were uncomfortable. She was bubbling over with pride. Her teacher overheard my comment and beamed.
Why don’t you tell her what we’ve been working on?
She looked up at me with eyes that glittered like her shoes and a smile so big I swear it flattened back her ears and said,
BE BRAVE!
I believe I can do that. For me. For the boys. For you. For my future.
While I’m being all brave, I’m certain the processing in the backroom will continue, and before I know it I will have rewired that parts of me that are afraid to believe in me.
I’m off now to spend some time letting them know it’s okay. And to get some sleep. Tomorrow is a big day. A big, calm, focused, centered day.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi,
Just another heartfelt thank you.
Thank you for when I check my email in the morning, Cleo, you are there. There to guide me through one more day showing me that I can make it through one more day of my self- imposed prison. My heinous ( tough to call him that), is still on board. Two years if living in limbo because he didn’t leave with “the one”. Instead she stayed with her husband and I have a daily
reminder of his two year escape of what I thought was my marriage.
More difficult lately because I have become temporarily disabled and cannot at least escape to work. Thank God for my two beautiful German Shepherds to show me I’m am lovable. Something I don’t feel often from even myself.
I envy that your genius moved out and on, I’m stuck and have nowhere to go right now. I do not recommend my situation. It’s a daily reminder that I was enough, good enough, smart enough or pretty enough. Even for someone who is far from a Genius!!
But until my body gets strong again
my inner self is still hiding under the covers.
I have to forge on because I know in my heart and soul, I deserve so much more. And so do my two beautiful furbabies:)
Thank you again,
Elizabeth
E,
You love. You do deserve so much more! I’m compelled to share something with you. It’s just a feeling…something for you to ponder if it seems to resonate.
Perhaps your dis-ease in your body is a result of living in a situation that is toxic to your body. And your spirit. Perhaps there’s a creative solution that will require a leap of faith wrapped in bravery. I know that when I am around The Genius my body doesn’t feel good. Hence, my spirit isn’t supported.
I wonder if you just might find a like-minded spirit who is searching for a housemate who loves dogs…
Please take care of yourself, and if taking care of yourself means breaking free into the unknown know that we are all here to support you.
Love! Yourself! Because you are lovable. Lovable first by you and then the flood gates will open.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Again I say…they’re all the same–just with different names! When I was married to my ex for 14 years, every card said something to the effect of “You are such an amazing mother to our boys, I wouldn’t be who I am without you, blah, blah, blah.” Within a year of him leaving to go be with his HDC, it was “You are the most unorganized person I know. The boys aren’t taking enough showers. The boys should be in school (we homeschool), blah, blah, blah.” Seriously, what is with these supposed men????
And as much as I want to say that his opinion didn’t or doesn’t matter, like you, I am finding that I did and sometimes do define myself through him. About two years after he left he came to talk to one of our boys (who HATES his HDC) and before he left I had a moment alone with him so I decided to take advantage of it. I said to him, “You know C, I really miss being friends with you and I can’t understand for the life of me why you now insist on making me out to be a bad mom after 13 years of telling me what an amazing one I was. It’s SO hurtful to me and confusing (I babbled through tears)” His response? He stood staring at me with a blank look on his face looking like he wanted to puke. I know I got through to him that day. And it was ok that I didn’t get a verbal response from him. Much of what I say to him these days is not to get a response from him but rather for me to say the things I need to say to him so I can move on.
I have had MANY moments like you had—moments where I realize my low-self worth is coming from him even though EVERYONE else in my life tells me how strong and amazing I am. Little by little I am starting to believe them and let his words simply fall away. It’s not easy after spending 16 years together but it’s necessary for me to continue to grow in my journey.
I’m so happy for you that so many people feel you as such a strong presence in their lives (as their angel)! What an amazing compliment. You know you’re making a difference in peoples’ lives–yes, even the little white doves
N,
“He stood staring at me with a blank look on his face looking like he wanted to puke.” I am cracking up. So reminds me of Stan throwing up when he sees Wendy on South Park. But I’m not laughing about the encounter. Experiences like these make me want to throw up my hands and say, Why bother? But you’re right. Some things need to be said. For ourselves. This journey has taught me the importance of speaking your needs, expressing your boundaries. It’s flat out essential.
N, thank you for your kind words and for being here. Kittens, doves…all beautiful beings.
Love yourself, Cleo
The Boy will never forget you – ever. Even if time passes and he forgets exactly what your face looks like, he will always remember the woman, the angel, who was with him in one of the scariest moments of his life.
Lovely post.
Believe in *your*self,
Cindy
C,
Thank you for your kind words and touching support. I will never forget him either. He has been such a tremendous guide for me these past few weeks. He’d probably be startled to know how his spirit has led me. I am so very grateful for that encounter. And for you and your simple words that pack such a punch. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I hope your meeting went well today. Your last few posts have left me on the edge of my seat and I’ve loved every last word in them! This past one though I will re-read a bunch of times over because your words helping me with my wiring. And once again, I thank you! Have a wonderful weekend! Clink!!
Rylan
R,
I’m on the edge of my seat, too! Thank you so much for your kind words. Rewiring…it’s a GOOD thing. And not as intimidating as I felt it would be. It’s almost as if it happens by itself as long as you give permission. I toast you with a Gerard Bertrand 2007 Grand Terroir…apropos, right? I give thanks to the person who gifted it to me. And I give thanks to you for being here. Clink, m’lady. You are so divine.
Love yourself,
Cleo
You are a brave lady. I remember reading something once that said its not that brave people dont have fear, its that they feel the fear and do it anyway. That is my mantra….feel the fear and do it anyway.
Good job, first responder. Im sure the Boy will be able to function almost like normal without a pinky. I can only hope I’d be as calm as you in an emergency such as that one.
L,
It’s so true! After pondering that saying I came to realize that every time I’ve felt fear but pushed through it I’ve been utterly delighted afterwards. Energized. Proud. Light as air. Just like the darling little girl in the little dude’s computer class. She is such a bright light.
I took a moment to center with you and guess what! You would be calm, in your own perfect way. Thank you for being here, L. I cherish you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I SO needed to read this comment today: it’s not that brave people don’t have fear, it’s that they feel the fear and do it anyway”. Tomorrow I’m inviting my HDC to meet with me. I need to know the whole story, the one my Genius refuses to share. Will I get the truth? Probably not. Does it even really matter? Probably not. What matters is I’m no longer willing to let this hide in the dark and not shine a bright spotlight on it. To ask her why she did the things she’s done. To share with her the (probable lies) details about her that were shared with me and to hear what details about me were shared with her (also probably lies). Will she even agree to it? Probably not. I’m told her hobby is pursuing the married men she works with. But in any case, they both know I’m standing up to this and being brave, for me.
D,
Your self is so happy that you trust you enough to put yourself in a challenging emotional situation determined to get what you need and leave intact. I’m super proud of you.
I feel like everyone here is doing all they can to live the best, most real, grounded, honest life possible. That fills me with LOVE! This world rocks, and so do you, m’lady. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Every time I read your new posts or even your reply comments to our replies, I now imagine you sitting with our heads in your lap, you stroking out foreheads, as you did for The Boy. You are a nurturer and we are lucky to have you. You must love yourself to allow yourself to enjoy telling your innermost thoughts and outermost dramatic daily tales. And to let yourself enjoy nature and adventure. How could you not believe in yourself? Wouldn’t it be a different blog if none of us believed in you? Would anyone be here? I’ve seen the comments from others who are full-blown in the throes of ends of marriage…like you. They are following you quite literally. We all are, because you put into words what we’ve all wondered and thought and experienced, but couldn’t make sense of or couldn’t express. We believe in you. Now its your turn.
T,
This is going on my vision board.
Wow. Thank you so much. Beautiful words. I’m very appreciative. I’m ready to take my turn, T. But don’t step aside, stay close.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo- I am with you tomorrow as I know all the kittens will be. Take care of yourself in each single moment of that meeting. Breathing.
I know what you mean about not believing in yourself, believing what our exes say to us as they hurl vile garbage at you to cover their pain. Please know you gave your heart to this man for YEARS. Of course you are wired to let his words into your heart … It’s a pattern and it will fade.
If I can, let me share something my daughter said to me when my OLG was very mean in front of the kids…she said imagine yourself with a protective shield around you….don’t let his words in.
She’s an old soul.
Hugs
Caitlin
C,
I felt you little furballs the entire time! Thank you so much for being there, for supporting me. I am happy to report that you would be proud. I’ll be writing it out tomorrow.
“It’s a pattern and it will fade.” Now I know why it’s important to really take it slow when you part ways with your spouse. There are often so many layers to undo to discover what you need and what parts of your being need tending to before you can truly share who you are with another. Thank you for the reminder.
Your daughter is a sage. When I’m watching hockey, rooting for my favorite team, I envision a purple shield around the goal. I can’t say it’s a fool proof strategy, but then again I don’t have to stop a puck, so it’s perfect for me. Oh, hockey…I miss hockey…I was really looking forward to hockey… All those hockey players have a lot of time on their hands. Maybe I ought to organize a hike on Tam…somebody’s got to keep those boys in shape!
I love old souls. And you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Nice, Cleo, NICE!
It is amazing how we sometimes/often view ourselves from the perspectives of others!
You ARE an angel! The Genius is just projecting all his s*** and low self worth at you and hoping it sticks, because then he will feel better about his bad decisions.
You are SO on the good road, girl! So on the good road! It is awful that the Boy lost a finger, but he is so lucky to have had you in his life at that moment. Teenagers (I have one and was one, so I am an authority! –hardly, lol) tend to communicate heavily and then not at all. You may never hear from this guy again but I am sure you realize the “moment in time” of it all. And he does too, but he’s movin’ and groovin’….
Lastly–PAIN? Girl, I can sympathize and then I get MAD. For I was once a trail warrior (still am, in a lesser physical being), but I am going to be 60 next year. The 50′s have been a delight but also brought me to my knees in horrid pain, first a pinched nerve and then a frozen shoulder (current).
No need to describe the agony. It’s boring if you don’t have it. I pray you never have these ailments! But I chuckle at your description of pain after a big workout. THAT pain tends to go away….sigh…
Enjoy your mighty hikes and epic swims!
love you Cleo Girl!
L,
I LOVE the energy that comes through your words! Thank you so much for commenting and for your delightful spirit.
Your body needs some lovin! I trust you’ve got that covered. I aim to love my body as I love myself so that it can carry me through all these crazy adventures I have brewing around inside of me. Shasta and Rainier, swimming from the Golden Gate Bridge to the Bay Bridge, the Andes, Everest… Chronic pain can derail all those plans, so I will focus on being most gentle with my flipper feet and liquidy knees. Thank you for the reminder.
Stay close, L. You are priceless.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo,
I would’ve said I found your blog accidentally, but I have discovered nothing happens accidentally. I too feel your pain and confusion. I stayed with my husband for thirty years and raised (raising four children). I just discovered the latest of affairs in a string of betrayals spanning fourteen years. I first discovered it when our youngest child was ten months old, just recently adopted from another country to join our other three biological children. I ask myself now why did I stay…why didn’t I leave with my children at the time. I allowed myself to be told he was ill, he’d get counseling, he is a product of his childhood, my leaving would scar our children forever. So instead I chose to scar myself forever and put up with a string of indignities over the next decade and a half that no one should have. My scars came in the form of built up resentment, building walls around myself to protect what was left of my soul, and never revealing his secrets. To the outside world we had everything – good careers, thriving businesses, great kids. The only common theme was his circle of friends told him constantly, according to him – she is too serious – too strong – no fun to be around. So you see the scars I was wearing hid his scars to all. I was the one viewed as ‘having issues’ and he was the one viewed as solid. WOW – did I blow that. I discovered ‘secrets keep people sick’. I actually taught him how to treat me and in doing so I taught everyone else how to label me. I am a very accomplished and successful person/entrepreneur/business owner yet I was seen as the ‘bitch’ he always had to put up with. Well after discovering this last affair as I was on a mother-daughter trip with our last child (while he was on a vacation with sixteen golf buddies for a week), he finally announced he was thinking of leaving for good and wants us to tell the children that their father hasn’t been happy all these years. He said his children would want their father to be happy so they would understand. Since we have only talked through text/phone I was unable to respond to this. He is due home tomorrow and intends to do the big reveal and let me know his plans for our marriage and my anxiousness grows with each passing minute. I don’t want to respond the same way I always have – I can no longer give anymore of myself away for I fear there will be nothing left. Your blog has given me the courage I never had and the desire to desperately begin finding out who I am and how to rebuild that little girl I used to be. I have to learn to trust again and I guess that begins with trusting myself too. I am so afraid of the future because I got used to the life or pretense of the life we have now. At 52 how can I begin again? Thanks Cleo. Know I will be reading and learning and growing through you and all of you who bare their soul here too.
M,
The beautiful, magical process of bringing that little girl out of hiding and into the light starts now. I sense it’s already begun. I am very excited for you. Even in my darkest moments I have felt joy because I know that the steps I am taking to love myself, better understand myself, and build a symbiotic relationship with myself are all leading me to a life of contentment and joy. One where I can be free to simply live, enjoy life, laugh, and be free. You can do this with me.
I’m reminded of the bobcat when I read about the conversation that your husband wants to have with the children. True power and strength in silence. We’re all on our own journey. The way he chooses to proceed on his path does not need to affect how you proceed on yours. My hope is that you will trust yourself, know that you are thoughtfully moving in a direction that supports you and you no longer have to be responsible for his actions. Or the results of his actions. It’s outrageously freeing to see that you only have to focus on making each step you take a meaningful one for you and your children.
I am so grateful you found HGM, and that you found it now. You’ve worked so hard to keep everything all buttoned-up. Now it’s time to rip that shirt off and flash the world. We’ll be here cheering you on. Thank you for your kind words and for being here. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Damn Mary that was iincredible ! So personal and open but you are at the right place being here. Cleo & crew will help you thru this journey, so rip that buttoned blouse & pencil skirt off Shed the “super woman” t-shirt that you wear underneath & enjoy yourself and your kids! Get dirty have fun! Cleo & her kittens are here for you!
C,
You rock. Thanks for giving a kitten cheer to Mary.
Love yourself,
Cleo
You and The Boy are not done with each other yet, of that I am sure.
I read this post yesterday, when I was in a very bad place. My… what the hell do I call him? Technically, he’s still my husband- but he hasn’t been THAT to me in a long time. He needs a nickname, a la ‘The Genius’… Anyway, we were going back and forth (via text- the only form of communication I can stomach right now) about our “parenting plan” and the division of holidays- a subject which makes me so enraged that I can’t see straight. Why I should miss a Christmas with my kids because he decided to blow his life up doesn’t make any sense to me- he decided to become a part time parent- I didn’t. But I digress, as usual. I started to respond yesterday, but was too emotional. He always called me ‘Angel’ and I know that if someone else referred to me that way I would probably come undone. It really resonated with me when you wrote about how, in some ways, his opinion of you still carries weight. I would love to say that I don’t care what my soon to be ex thinks about me, and that it doesn’t color how I see myself- but it would be untrue. I’m not sure that’s something you can just switch off, and go from that person being the individual whose opinion you trust and value over anyone else’s to truly not caring- even if you understand, intellectually, that he is not who you thought he was. The heart needs to catch up with the head. Hopefully you know, on some level, how amazing you are. The fact that he doesn’t think that is merely proof that he is a jackass and not smart enough to be your partner.
L,
I’m grateful my words resonated with you on a day when you needed support. Thank you for taking the time to comment. We can all empathize with what you are experiencing.
“…go from that person being the individual whose opinion you trust and value over anyone else’s to truly not caring…” I value your opinion of yourself most of all.
When I look ahead to the holidays I focus on seeing ways to create joy regardless of the day. They may not be with me on Thanksgiving (I holiday I am not that fond of because my heart aches for the native Americans), but we’ll create our own Thanksgiving. It provides me with an opportunity to build new traditions that the boys will remember forever. We’ll create a native holiday that broadens their understanding of the meaning of gratitude.
I’m sharing this with you because I sense that you, too, can create magic for your children. When you do, others will see it and marvel at your strength and joy. I know I will. Thank you for your kind words, m’lady. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dude I love you always have but this response is just above and beyond awesome. Me thinks me smell another National advice columnist lol ! Only name I can think of right now is Dr Ruth? And her advice was on sex right? Haha !! I’ve got to come up with a good Cleo catch phrase! Girl I love you & oh so how I miss you !! As always batman your East Coast Cock Robin
C,
I miss you, too, m’lady. You rock it like there’s no tomorrow. Only today. Only this minute. Let your gorgeous hari downa dn shake it babay, shake it.
Can I be Dr. Awesome?
Love yourself,
Cleo
Of course you can.
D,
I can. I am. I will. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
You’re right, I need to create new traditions- I know this. It’s just that I held the old traditions to be sacred. I know there needs to be a new normal. My head does, anyway. Again, the heart just needs to catch up.
To your comment about Thanksgiving- which may seem a little off-topic – I always felt the same way until I realized that, to me, it has precious little to do with Pilgrims etc. To me, it is a day that I designate to stop and express my gratitude for every little thing. It is literally the giving of thanks. Hand turkeys aside, any day that prompts you to get outside of yourself and be thankful- it’s a win.
L,
Any day that provides an excuse to eat both mashed potatoes and a caramel apple is a win-win for me. Sadly, real stuffing is no longer part of my world.
Hmmm…I wonder if the heart is already there but the head doesn’t want you to know…regardless, I’m certain you’ll create something you cherish. Which sparks an idea – what cool new traditions can we create? I need to do the very same thing… Something to ponder.
Thank you, L, for taking the time to comment and for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I too have been struggling with these same feelings. After a 26 year partnership ( 23 of them married) I am not able to hear when friends say I am strong, I will get through this, I mean something to other people, I am a good mother. I can only hear HIS comments about how we drifted apart, about how I am ‘not interested in the world’, about how unhappy I was etc. His three year affair with someone who lives on the other side of the world has broken up our marriage and I am so not ready to move on. I want to understand, to ask questions. He doesn’t but I am standing firm in saying I need to do this in order to stop the ever-present hurt. I know I might not get answers but I feel down in my soul that I have to try. This will help me to believe in myself.
M,
Thank you for being here and for taking the time to comment. In 8 simple sentences you have said so much.
Seeking answers is so healthy, so right, so necessary. Perhaps you may want to only look inside for the answers. I’ve come to understand that to seek them from someone capable of lying for years is not a beneficial experience. How do we know if they’re truthful answers? If they are thoughtful? It would seem to me that to expect the truth after so many lies is a misplaced expectation. We are left to discover the reasons why, the meaning in it all by looking inward.
It’s sad to say, but nothing your former spouse or The Genius can say to us will lead us to understand. The affair clouds up any chance for an honest exchange. A bittersweet parting of the ways can lead to conversations where learning opportunities abound between to people who shared love. But, in my opinion, when betrayal enters the picture one can only look within. Any answers from the spouse who had the affair will be skewed to ease their own pain at having caused such harm to the one they loved.
Go inside, M. That is where you will find the reasons to believe in yourself. You’ll see your beauty, your fears, your strength, your spirit. And there, too, you’ll find your answers to the questions you have now and to those that come as a result of excavation. Don’t move on, stay firmly rooted in the present. The right here, right now. We’re here for you every step of the way. Rock on with your gorgeous self, m’lady. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you Cleo. Your words bring comfort just knowing that someone understands.
M,
My pleasure, my dear. The Rilke quote is a keeper, no? Love it. And you. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo