Fifty Shades of “Oh my God, are they doing it again?”

I hope all of y’all had a great long weekend and Memorial Day and had your moments of silence for our vets before your bbq.  I was off and managed to polish off 50 Shades quite nicely before going right back to start the 3rd book in the Game of Thrones series.  I started to download 50 Shades Darker but decided I needed a break.  So, yes, I am taking a break from my break.I will go right ahead and admit it.  50 Shades caused some heart palpitations and let’s just say that if there had been a man in my bed I wouldn’t have kicked him out of there and would have given him some jobs to do.  It was very, very sexy.  At first.  However, even that managed to get boring.  If you haven’t read it, *spoiler alert.  It is about this guy who chooses this young stupid woman to be his ‘submissive’ and offers her a business contract for all sorts of naughty business.  I have a love hate relationship with Christian Gray.  I hated him mostly because I can’t abide a control freak.  (I would fail in 2 sec as a submissive and be muzzled and chained to a curb, nekkid, with a ‘free to another dominant’ sign on my chest).  I was however, intrigued about his past (hey, it’s what I do for a living!) and what would make someone that way.  I would have found him much more believable if he had been 37 rather than 27.  His age was completely a distraction to me.  At 47 years old, I can tell you I have never met a 27 year old that was that intellectually or emotionally sophisticated.  And really, he was the one who needed a good spanking.  By the end, I was ready for him to be grabbing his ankles and crying that he would be a good boy from now on.

The female lead character was just ridiculous.  Anastasia Steele.  Bah.  She is supposed to be this gorgeous thing but everything she did in the book, every shower or naughty bath, every morsel she ate, was documented and she only brushed her teeth twice.  If he bought her something she would have an attack of conscience and call herself, “ho”.  However, she never thought to herself, “What a perv!” ?  Also, they said she wore Converse shoes.  I was distracted.  Really?  She caught this billionaire and only wore these?  He would ”slide off her Converse”.  Really?  How old is the person that wrote this book?

maybe her’s were pink.

 Who the this person that wrote this book? 

They had sex constantly.  I mean an hour after explosive orgasms (her multiple of course because he was so good at it, that whole 2 min of foreplay and all) they were at it again.  I was waiting for the documentation of her having to put an ice pack in her undies or at least sit on a blow up donut thingy.

Even the Room of Pain was boring.  Clearly, I  am not turned on by S & M.   I did decide for absolutely double sure (not that I ever considered it) that I never want to be spanked.  As a matter of fact, if any man every tried that they would be pulling back a bloody stump.  They would not be having a mind blowing climax and saying, “Cuckoo Momma, what do you do to me?” I can guarandamntee you.Basically, it left me thinking of business.  First off, what a hole in the market there must be for women to be buying this drivel in droves and thinking that it is good.  It just shows that women do think of sex and want to have sex but lack inspiration. There are a whole lot of women who are uninspired by their significant others.

It wasn’t just me!

So, I guess that if it is inspiring women to find their sexuality then that is a good thing.  But really.  That made Twilight look really well written with all sorts of character development and an excellent plot.

Think Dickens

I think I am going to start writing smut. I need cash.