A recent ModernMom article talked about the rising numbers of moms of young children pursuing work as phone sex operators (PSOs). Citing flexible work hours, the ability to be creative and working from home, it seems these women are getting closer to “having it all”: a job they can do, maybe even enjoy, while getting to stay home with their kids and pull in extra income.
Kudos to them, I say. But the idea of being able to muster up sexy scenarios and play out fantasies on demand for 25 cents per minute (yup) for anyone, including a husband, is probably unfathomable to most moms with little kids. Here’s where I think the real money is, and a great opportunity for an entrepreneur mom out there: Phone Fantasies FOR Moms.
Here’s how to set it up: You hire male voice actors who specialize in deep, soothing tones and compassion who sound like they just wandered off the pages of a Harlequin romance novel. Unlike traditional phone sex operators, who need to be creative and knowledgeable on a mind-boggling array of sexual topics and perversions, these lucky men will be able to just hone in on just a few specialist scenarios that will bring most moms to their knees (and not for anything sexual, mind you).
It’s All About You…In Bed…Alone…All Night Long:
Mom: Every night I wake up with my kids and my dogs in my bed. I’m squashed to the edge, fighting for enough covers to actually cover me, and swaying like a horizontal prizefighter to avoid flying feet and arms. Don’t even get me started on the farting and snoring. Sigh.
PSO: Don’t worry, baby, I’ll take care of it all. Tonight, I promise, you’ll sleep in bed all alone. I’ll make a cozy bed for the dogs in another room so they’ll be happy to stay there. And I’ll leave them lots of treats just in case. I’ll put the kids to bed, all by myself, and stay until they’re actually asleep, not just until I get bored with the bedtime routine. I’ll give them strict instructions that, if they wake up in the middle of the night, they are to come find me. I have told them I will be on the couch in the family room. After I put them to bed I’m going to go to our room, light candles, spray some fragrance on the sheets, put on some soothing music or the Lifetime Movie Network on TV, bring you a glass of water, a glass of wine and a bowl of snacks. Then I’m going to kiss you goodnight, turn down the lights and leave the room. And, don’t worry, I’ll get the kids when they wake up in the morning and keep them quiet until you decide you’re ready to get up. I love you. Now go get the sleep, alone, you so deserve. ***swoon***
You Deserve To Drink an Entire Cup of Coffee…Nice and Hot and Long Just As You Like It:
Mom: My morning would be so amazing if I could just finish one hot cup of coffee. Is that too much to ask? Instead I end up microwaving it over and over again because the kids just won’t give me a break. It tastes disgusting but I need to drink it because I don’t get enough sleep and I’m just exhausted. Even worse, sometimes I just totally forget about it and then can barely function. Just one, hot cup all the way through….
PSO: My love, of course it’s not too much to ask. And not only is it not too much to ask, if anyone deserves it, you do. You do so much for the family. Your efforts so often go unrecognized. I know I don’t tell you nearly enough how much I love and appreciate you and how beautiful you are. You should be able to enjoy a nice, hot sip of whatever you want. How about this? I’ll make the coffee this morning when I get up with the kids. I’ll heat up some milk, just how you like it. I’ll even pre-warm the mug, too. Then I’ll pour you a nice, piping hot cup of joe, and bring it up to you, in bed. If you give me that sexy smile of yours I’ll bring you some breakfast too. Just tell me exactly what and how you want it and I’ll do everything I can to please you. It’s all about you. Then you sip away and take all the time you want. I’ll handle everything else. You’re the best. ***knees get weak***
You Get to Finish A Whole Thought…All the Way Through…To Completion:
Mom: I swear, between the kid noise and the family needs and the pets wants and my never-ending To Do list, I can’t even finish a whole thought, let alone accomplish anything. What I wouldn’t give to just finish…huh? What? Oh, a thought.
PSO: Darling, I love you so much. And your mind is so damn brilliant that you deserve to finish any thought you want. Your thoughts are one of your sexiest features. Well, that and your ass. Hell, you’re just sexy all over. But I digress. How about I take the kids out today, Saturday, and you can have the whole day to yourself? I’ll pack their changes of clothes, snacks, wipes and sunblock so you don’t have to waste your precious thoughts on a single thing you shouldn’t have to. Then, relax, and spend the day making all the lists you want, crossing things off of them and catching up on whatever you need to. Then, please, take a nap. You deserve it. I’ll take care of everything with the kids so no need to worry. We’ll all be just fine. I can’t wait to hear about all you thought about today when we get home. I’ll be listening, attentively, with open ears and no Smartphone in sight to distract me. You’re so wonderful. ***be still my heart***
So, Moms, who’s ready to go into business on this? I know I’d pay to call.
Me! And my lovah can be the first worker. He is awesome on the phone and keeps my crazy ADHD ass grounded most of the time. He just told me yesterday (on the phone) that he works everyday to ‘anticipate’ my every need so that I don’t even have to feel it. He can tell my voice that he needs to unload my dishwasher. He can lead a few night classes on SKYPE and get those deep voiced angels in business. WOOP! My other business idea is to make Ativan necklaces (like those candy necklaces on a string when we were a kid) and sell them at private parties.