Anne Lamott
I was not going to write a “What I’m Thankful For” post this week because I’ve been in such a vile mood I couldn’t think of anything to be grateful for. I’ve been irritable and just a tad bit freaked out because of the uncertainty in my life, and then I completely went off the deep end on Friday when I stopped by one of the two houses Prince owns but does not live in in order to pick something up for Luca, and I saw that he was remodeling his kitchen.
Let me say that once more, for emphasis, and also because that was a really long paragraph.
My ex-husband, the rich one, who has no money to pay child support, has somehow found enough cash to remodel one of the three kitchens he owns.
I was apoplectic not simply because he has chosen to remodel his kitchen instead of pay child support. I was also apoplectic because, when he came out the door and barked orders at the construction crew that he is no doubt nickel-and-diming into poverty, he was positively gloating over his home renovations. In fact, I think he asked me to come by the house just so I would see that he was pouring money into his kitchen.
“Your dad is remodeling the kitchen?” I asked Franny as casually as I could.
“Oh, yeah. It looks really good!” she said.
You can imagine how well this sat with me.
I have not been able to get past my resentment. Dark and evil thoughts have dogged me all weekend. Which bothered me. If I couldn’t stop wallowing, surely this made me a lesser person? I thought of all the bloggers and motivational people on my Twitter feed who are relentlessly upbeat and channeling positivity and The Secret-y, and then I thought how utterly unlike them I was and I should fake it and come up with a What I’m Thankful For anyway, but I couldn’t stop seething, so I just fell into a heap on my bed with a defrosted baguette and a glass of Pinoir Noir.
And then, when I was scrolling down my Facebook newsfeed instead of finishing one of Franny’s school applications, I read Anne Lamott’s status. And it was as if she had written it JUST. FOR. ME. It’s long, and you can read all if it here, which I urge you to do, especially if you’re feeling bitter, but the gyst of it was that it’s not healthy to tell yourself you MUST be perky when you have reasons to feel like crap. In fact, she said we have been BRAINWASHED into thinking we’re not allowed to feel bad about things that are perfectly legitimate to feel bad about.
And then she invited everyone to write a comment about their current misery on her Facebook page:
“Feel free to mewl and puke and spew here about how the last few days have been a nightmare or how much your feet hurt a lot of the time, even though you know that amputees do have it much worse, or how much you hate hate hate your current weight, or what an absolute asshat your son has been lately, or how scary you just find all of life on earth some days, and how you can’t get your Internet working and have been on the line with snotty tech support for so long that you may have had a nervous breakdown. I will read every single post, and believe complainy-spoiled-overly-sensitive old me, I will GET it.”
So far I am one of 1503 commenters. And Anne Lamott told me it’s okay to be bitter. And guess what that makes me?
Thankful for Anne Lamott.
Well, you can certainly visit my blog, too, where things are certainly rarely cheery! Better yet, I come to your place with butter for the baguette and a wheat beer.e
I get it Pauline. I have a terrible time reframing my negative thoughts sometimes. Then I see all of the happy happy about divorce and the ‘joys of being 50′ when I have AmEx calling because I’m late and I can’t pay my co-pays for my medical bills from stress related crapola. It’s just bullshit called life. I’m going to go read Annie Lamott.
Elizabeth, you must, really. I’m a hop, skip, and a jump.
Please do. Then check back and tell me what bitterness you unloaded.
Pauline, do you have any proof that HE owns this, and not his parents??? Because you have to take pictures, etc. Gather evidence. (I am sure you know this, but just so hoping you get decent child support!)
yes, and in my county you can look up who owns the house, what kind of title it is, etc. Make sure it’s still in his name, and not the parents!! Crossing my fingers for you!
Question, JS: what site do you find that information?
You have every right to be irritable. This is why I hate family court, the fact that you’re in this situation is just unfathomable.
I would also call your local construction permitting office and find out if you can pull permits for the property address. If you can, and the Prince of Darkness permitted the kitchen, that would be good paper to bring in to court with him.
Oh! Another good idea! Thanks Allison.
I had the unbelievable good fortune to see Anne Lamott last week–she just happened to be in the town I was in on business. She saved my life one more time–it was like a mini-recovery meeting and got me through a bad moment with my son within 24 hours. I gave her a heartfelt thank you note I’d written for saving my Saturday the weekend before when I was caught up in some serious political spazzing (she reminded me that the Constitution wins out IN TIME). And now she’s done it again. Being bitter is SO underrated in the America. How many Pepsi Days can a person have??? I’ve been considered overly focused on the negative all my life just because I actually can see that people are messed, sad or suffering and have sometimes pointed it out. Now my ex is blissfully remarried, posted this weekend (re-posted by son–believe me, we aren’t Friends anywhere) about how beautiful his new wife is and how lucky he is to be married to her. Bitter–o, yes. She drove the custody suit that had us in court for 4 years and ended up getting my older son after my having raised him alone for 10 years. What a relief to just be bitter–and then move on. I do buy the notion that resenting someone else is equivalent to pouring gasoline on my self, lighting myself on fire, and hoping someone else will burn. So soon I’ll go back to my strategies for letting it all go and moving on–the Constitution and other moral compasses prevail IN TIME. Now I shall hydrate and possibly sweep some, Lamott’s all-purpose response to the inevitable mess that we all are, the suffering we inevitably feel.
UGH — so awful about your ex’s new wife. But yay on Anne Lamott.
Love Ann Lamott! To find out who owns the house go to the county gov’t website and find the assessor’s page. They will tell you who owns the property, the liens attached and if the owners are up to date on taxes. I would be suprised if it is not in a trust.
I’m definitely going to check into it — I was talking to a friend last night who said he thought it was illegal.
very timely…
I’ve been fighting the urge to sip tequila alone in the dark. Sometimes I get sick of bravely soldiering on, and want to just give in/up.
http://pmzee.com/a-journey-of-1000-miles/
today is better, thanks!