I’ve had a lot of friends talking to me lately about divorce. Either they have already been through it or are in counseling with their mate and thinking about it. And what is kind of odd is that all these people had the same issue… “Alienation of Affection”. Or more precisely… no more trips to Poundtown. Sex has left the building.
Now if you had asked me about 15 years ago if sex mattered in a marriage, I would have said no and don’t care if I ever have it again.
WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!!!!
Well I was thinking what a lot of women under 35 with small children think… “Don’t f-ing touch me again or I’ll kill you!” It’s not personal, mind you. When I was in that situation I had just had all of the love, life, attention, and need for tactile attention sucked out of me. I was lovin’ on needy kids all day and didn’t want another human to touch me by bedtime.
But I also realized it had a lot to do with the dysfunction of our marriage. He had done a lot of cruel stuff and I had a boatload of underlying animosity. There is a difference between just thinking “Oh God really I’m exhausted, I can’t have sex tonight” and feeling like you want to punch your spouse in the face if they come near you. (of course we don’t really do this, we just feel it) That’s something you need to examine.
However, I then got divorced and hit 36 around the same time. Bingo! Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? who? Who? Ok, sorry that was so lame but ya’ know, insert any sort of race gate bell, horn blowing entrance music, explosion noise, train horn going through tunnel, hot volcanic lava spewing… my peak had hit. Sex became an important staple which should have been inserted in the food pyramid. It’s what happens to a woman of a certain age. How do you think Cougars were invented? Duh. Because mainly the cruel joke is, when women are peaking men are declining in sexual desire (or ability to function). Wah wah waaaahhhh.
So it can go both ways, man wants it, woman doesn’t and vice versa. What do you do? Is it that important? Does it matter? Can you survive without it? I guess that’s up to you. Some people do find sex very important and they have every right to. Others don’t and that’s ok too. You have to examine your priority of needs. And be honest.
In dating I often feel I am interviewing men. And in these interviews we often discuss the ever popular topic of “Why did you get divorced?” Lordy, there were a number of men who claimed loss of the nooky. Then I had a few say that loss of the nooky was the excuse why they cheated on their wife, which lead to the strife, that caused the argument, that triggered the divorce, that ate the rat that live in the house that Jack built. Oh wait, sorry I fell into a swirling vat of nursery rhymes there. Anyway, I used to think that was a piece of shit excuse. Now… I don’t know.
Now now, wait a minute, hear me out. As I’ve gotten older I’ve stopped judging so much. Everyone’s story is different. But I also know I’ve gone back and forth several times on the sex thing and I realize I still have several good years left, I’m not dead yet, I need it. However, I’m not married at the moment. But I have had a dating situation and well, it does a lot of damage to your psyche when someone (especially men who are supposed to have huge sex drives) doesn’t want to have sex with you. People need to feel desired.
People often bring up that scenario of, “Well what would you do if your spouse was paralyzed and could never have sex again, would you leave them?” Well, who the hell knows until I get there, right? It’s one thing if your spouse is still trying to be affectionate and be your partner and say they love you but is just too spent for or incapable of having sex. It’s another if they just don’t want much to do with you and throw themselves into work or kids. And it depends on your sex drive. The one thing I highly recommend is talking to your spouse. Let them know it’s important to you and you’ve got to have it.
And yes, believe it or not I do know actual real people who decide to stay together when one wants it and the other doesn’t and have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy with their spouse. Gay and straight. They just decide for themselves what works. Other people don’t ever discuss it and just let them sabotage the relationship all by themselves. Having a spouse that just wants their cake and eat it too and keeps hurting the other is pretty selfish and crappy. But both spouses have the responsibility of how they expect to be treated.
I don’t know the answer, only you kids do. You have to talk. And be honest about how you feel. And if neither of you are happy, it’s ok to end it too. I can’t believe I’m saying that but as I said, I’ve stopped judging and it beats having a spouse that’s a serial cheater.
Whe I lived in the state of Texas a few years ago, I used to call myself-“sexless in Texas” and now “without in Washington”. My husband, of 33 years just walked out on me about 10 months ago, and left me sleeping on the living room sofa for 6 months before that. Why? Was this his way of withdrawing from me, or was he having a sex issue, mid-life crisis hormorne issue? Who knows, but as a very healthy woman in her 50’s, who is petite, thin, pretty pleasing to the eye, you would have thought he would have been all over me contunueously, but didn’t. I was always the one who would be asking my husband “when are we going to do it? Or do I have to make an appointment with you?
Now, I am free of this man, and although I don’t want to ever feel used, like my husband made me feel and used me, abused me, neglected me, and then threw me out like I was garbage, I love sex, and one day, when I recover from the trauma this man did to me, I hope to meet someone whom I love, can trust and ahve a great sex life too,
Marriage is a CONTRACT that says the man will stay with that woman even after children IF IF IF the CONTRACT is ADHERED too! Do you take this man as your lawful wedded husband, to HAVE and to HOLD (this is the SEX PART!), through sickness and in health… The same thing applies to wife! So, if one of them continuously breaks this, the whole idea of marriage is STUPID, since this is the MAIN REASON why most men marry, is that the woman they marry shall fullflll the “to HOLD” part! Any man who really thinks the woman will break this contract by withholding sex most likely wouldn’t bet married to her in the first place! Forgive and forget – and HONOR the contract! You will be MUCH happier WHEN you do! And, maybe fall in love all over again!!! 🙂
If one spouse is not interested in sex it is most likely caused by something the other spouse is doing. My husband cheated because he said he didn’t like that I didn’t initiate sex (or that he is a POS that cheated). We used to have a great sex life WHEN HE LISTENED TO ME and PAID ATTENTION to my needs. Once he stopped doing kind and romantic things our sex life lost a lot of its passion. Neither of us were brave enough to communicate our real feelings about the situation to one another and now we are going to divorce because of the infidelity. INFODELITY has nothing to do with the betrayed spouse. It has EVERYTHING to do with the cheater. Weakness of character, selfishness, etc. BUT if you want a good sex life pay attention to the other spouse’s needs because that’s probably why your sex life has dried up. Speak candidly to them and your ish will get fixed. Say what you want, get what you need.
“Forsaking all OTHERS” does not mean “forsaking a normal, healthy adulthood.” Sex is a basic adult need.
There’s a reason why, before no-fault divorce, “withholding of affections” (i.e., no sex) was legal grounds for divorce.
There’s a reason the euphemism for it in the polite speech is “the marital act.”
When you’re single, if you proposition someone and they decline, you can simply turn to the next person. When you’re married, that’s not an option. When your spouse rejects you, that’s EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD WITH WHOM YOU CAN HAVE SEX rejecting you. More, that’s THE ONE PERSON IN THE WORLD YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO TURN TO rejecting you, as well.
So, when you’re married, you should have sex with your spouse whenever at least one of you wants to and it is not physically or logically impossible. That’s the basic contract: you turn to your spouse instead someone else, your spouse turns to you instead of anyone else, you need to provide each other the intimacy that you turn to each other for. If you cannot meet your spouse’s needs in your marriage, then you should not be married.
If my spouse asks me to load the dishwasher or take out the trash, or do any other physical activity that I don’t particularly enjoy, I’ll do it simply because they want me to. Why, then, do people turn down requests and suggestions to have sex together, that both of you are actually supposed to enjoy?
If you’re just not in the mood (but you’re still capable – no injure, illness, severe pain, etc. is preventing you), START ANYWAY when your spouse initiates.
Your marriage, if it can survive, very probably depends on it.