Raising a child with two competent parents is a difficult task. But when a parent is going through a divorce and the other parent isn’t present or supportive, raising a child can feel like a lonely and very challenging task.
But, with a lot of patience, commitment and hard work, a single mother can successfully raise a teen son without a father or significant male figure in his life. But the relationship a young boy has with his father or another male figure is very different compared to the relationship between mother and son. For some mothers this can be difficult to understand.
1. Even the most intuitive and understanding mothers can’t anticipate the concerns her son has.
One moment in particular is when a mother sees sadness in her son, like something is missing or hurting him. It could be anything. It could be that he misses his father, he needs to vent, or he is stressed out. There can be a lot of confusion and frustration for your son while going through the divorce process, especially if he feels like he has no one to talk to.
2. It’s important to find someone he feels comfortable to talk to so he can vent in a healthy way.
Another issue is rolling emotions. When a mother displays strong negative emotions about the father or men in general – Disappointment, anger, hate, and annoyance. These feelings can even be expressed years after the divorce and can roll over to the son causing misunderstanding about himself and even resentment towards other men.
Your son might be thinking, “Who should I follow or who I should act like if my father and all men are bad?”
Some mothers may even grow to believe the son is, “just like his father!” Or, have a very different reaction, such as finding emotional comfort or looking to her son as the man of the house.
Boys who grow up in single mother households can have a difficult time becoming the man they want to be, having a challenging time walking the journey of manhood, especially when they don’t have a positive male role model.
3. I think the determining factor of how well a boy grows up with a mother is if she manages her negative feelings for her husband and for men in general.
It should be up to your son to decide who his father is and what being a man means. I think it’s better for a mother to learn to understand how her son thinks and feels, helping him get through the divorce without unnecessary stress and confusion.
Even though there might be anger and mistrust between two people after a divorce, it is important to try to co-parent consistently. Research shows a boy will have a more fulfilled and happy life if both parents are in his life. General research also suggests children are better off both economically and emotionally when there is joint-custody rather than single-custody, unless the relationship between the parents is so bad it hurts the children more than support them.
Even though your son might not say it, he most likely wants and needs an adult in his life during the divorce and through his adolescents. He will benefit most from people who he can trust, create a positive relationship with and who will provide him unconditional love.
4. Focus on a positive future for your son and remain connected with him throughout the divorce process and after.
If you have any questions or comments please write below. I would be happy to answer!
For more great information about your teenage son … go to teenagesons.com
FAQs About Sons Of Single Mothers:
Is divorce making my son sad?
Divorce can make your son sad as it leaves children confused and stressed out. Your son could be sad because he misses his father or is unable to talk to anyone about his feelings. Children feel sad, frustrated and angry if they don’t find anyone to talk about how they feel.
Do single mothers confuse sons when they criticize their fathers?
A single mother may end up confusing her son if she criticizes his father in front of him. Sons may form a negative image of men in general and their fathers in particular if their mothers continue to criticize them bitterly. This creates misunderstandings in their mind about themselves.
Do boys need a male role model after divorce?
Boys need a male role model after divorce, and can have trouble becoming the sort of man they want to be when raised by a single mother. Their journey to manhood will be characterized by confusion when they don’t have a positive role model to look up to.
How can single mothers help sons become better men after divorce?
Single mothers can help their sons become better men by making sure that their fathers have an active parenting role in their lives. Several studies suggest children need both their parents for healthy physical and psychological health.
Can single mothers raise sons without their dad?
It will be a complicated and a very challenging task for a single mother to raise her son without the involvement of his father. Boys have a hard time growing up even if there is a significant male figure in their life because nothing measures up to father-son relationship.
Lee Gilbert says
I am the very recently divorced mom of an eleven year-old boy. I plan to facilitate the generally healthy relationship he has with his dad. I am determined to consider my son’s well being first while making decisions for our future. My sister believes that I should not bring another man into our lives for the next two or three years. Aside from the possibility that I may pass up a man who is “right” for me, would my developing adolescent son fare well under the sole care of his mother? …loaded question.
Marie says
Wait if you possibly can. Your sister is right. I have seen bringing another man in to the picture fail so many times. If you break up, it’s double the loss. It will engender competitive feelings in your son, especially if your SO has kids too. Be positive toward his dad and show him other male role models through family. Put yourself on hold. Please. I know what I am talking about.
MariaGuliana says
Amanda,
There numerous and contradictory feelings that you are dealing with, there is no one answer, I’m sorry to say it like this. I can share with you from my experience as a divorced mom of a teen son that it requires lots of time and effort and patience to first understand and accept your needs, then focus on your son and how he is developing, what are priorities, how can you teach him the importance of caring and loving someone else, you loving him as his mom, and his love for you, your love for a partner and his future interest in girls. Many moving parts to understand, figure out and navigate. Begin with yourself, if you know what makes you happy, content, strong, work on that, then open up to your son to help him understand how much you love him and what his role is in your family relationship. Let me know if you want to chat more. MariaGuliana, [email protected]
NAN says
I am the single mother of two teen sons, 17 and 15. I have raised them alone since they were eight and six. There have been precious few male role models in their lives, as my dad was virtually uninvolved and I have no brothers or close male friends. They do have one male role model who is confined to a wheelchiar and is very mild in nature. My seventeen year old son is a wonderful young man most of the time. He makes excellent grades, holds down a part time job, and is responsible with his friends and his free time. However, he is very hateful to his younger brother, to the point of constantly calling him “hey, stupid”, and telling him daily “you’re nothing but a peice of crap”. When I tell him I will not allow him to treat his brother with contempt and disrespect in this fashion, he yells at me and says the most hurtful things imaginable. His developing moral standard is very black and white and severely strict. Sometimes it is difficult for me to know how to handle these issues. Any advice is appreciated.
Amanda says
What are the consequences to your son for the disrespect he shows to his younger brother and you? Does he drive, does he have a cell phone? I would try taking away his phone for a day or, something else that is important to him every time he disrespected you or your brother. Also, who does he hang around with? He is learning, somewhere, that this behavior is OK.
Roger says
FYI, this constitute as sibling abuse, which I was a victim of. I was raised by a single mom along with my brother who is 1.5 years older than me. Ever since our father passed away my brother has abused me first physically, then emotionally as we moved near our teens. My mother was not able to stop this being that she works 7 days a week in order to make ends meet. When I hit puberty (13 years old), I made a conscience decision to cut off emotionally from him. I didn’t understand why I did this, but as an adult I understand that this was a defense mechanism to protect myself from further emotional hurt. His abuse robbed me of a fulfilling childhood, which caused me to not only have low self-esteem, but poor social skills (since the abuse from him caused me to not have any friends). I am 34 years old now. The severity of the damage prompted me to cut off ties with my family completely at the age of 20. I have not spoken to them since.
MariaGuliana says
Nan, you are doing your best with your boys, it is very complicated raising teen boys as a single mom. I have one teen son, it has been a challenge but we are doing much better than a year ago, he is getting ready to graduate from high school and leave for college, I am going to miss him but I tell him it will be a wonderful adventure for him. Most of the behavior and attitudes teens exhibit are formed as a result of many factors, situations, and experiences, altering, modifying, changing them takes much longer. Begin by learning about yourself, your needs, your buttons, what are your priorities? When we are more confident, satisfied, self-confident we are better at helping our kids. As parents we often operate on the principle of do as I say not as I do, that is so hard for teens and adolescents to accept. What are some areas that bring happiness, pleasure to your son, work to make these important to you as well, look for ways to use these in motivating and modifying his behavior, Let me know if you wish to chat more, MariaGuliana, [email protected]
Kimberly says
Can you hellp me? My son is 17 and his sister is away at university. He is disrespectful to me at times and pushes me away if I go near him. I have no way to discipline him since he is very defiant. I can only keep asking him to show respect and consider others. There is no back up though, so it seems like I am nagging him and he tells me to get away from him or stop talking to him. He says he just wants me to leave him alone but asks what’s for dinner when he walks in the house and says “you have to drive me…”. He stopped speaking to his dad years ago and would not go to his dad’s house. I know he misses having his dad in his life but he is embarrased of his father and I am sure he is confused about hating and loving him at the same time. There is so much shame in our family, especially from his father and in himself. I am also ashamed of the fact that I cannot find a decent job — yet my time is spent looking after my son and volunteering many hours with his shcool programs. I feel obligated to be the “present” parent but I am also the only one providing for him. I don’t know how to parent him.
Cathy Meyer says
He is 17, he is trying to find his own identity and doesn’t need his mother interested in his every activity. You say you spend your time taking care of him and volunteering many hours at his school. Could it be that he needs some space from you? He is older, he doesn’t need his mother the same way he did when he was 5-years-old. Be there for your son when he needs you. Let go of the need to be there for him whether or not he needs you. NO 17-year-old wants constant attention from their Mom. Back off, give him some freedom and see if his attitude toward you changes.
Carroll says
hi,
my ex is very hostile to me and refuses to coparent. He only criticizes me and tells me how to parent, rather than working with me for the good of our two sons. I desperately want our kids to be happy but am very frustrated and sad that their dad will not work with me. What suggestions do you have? Thank you.