Help! What does the divorced single mom on a budget get her kids when they’re no longer kids, when you still need to put something under the tree other than $8 of roll-the-eyes chocolate and spiraling metal?
So it was bad enough when they were little and I was divorced and broke. They weren’t so young that they didn’t understand that money was an issue. They weren’t so old that I couldn’t pick things out of the dollar bins at Target, or for that matter, package up almost anything and present it as a gift.
Naturally, food was big – and we still have traditional (inexpensive) items we exchange at Christmas. Or rather, my boys turned preteens turned teens now young men pick up the square wrapped boxes and look at each other, rolling their eyes.
They know there’s a chocolate orange inside.
Another little mushy lump of uneven wrapping paper?
Some kind of chocolate from World Market.
And somewhere under the tree, they’re certain to get a $10 gift card to Barnes & Noble and a $1 mini Slinky. Hey. You can never have too many Slinky’s.
But here’s the thing. Elder son is now a college grad, and though he’s got hefty student loans he’ll be carrying for years, he’s also got a job. The kid makes more money than I do – and he’s got benefits besides!
And yours truly? Even with a couple of good clients at the moment?
Let’s just say, the Christmas UnBudget is as snug as ever, particularly with Younger son still in college and soon to embark on a semester abroad – naturally, with a number of uncovered (by scholarship & loan) expenses.
Help! What does the divorced single mom on a budget get her kids when they’re no longer kids, when you still need to put something under the tree other than $8 of roll-the-eyes chocolate and spiraling metal?
Ah yes. Beer. (Number One is legally old enough, so no fussing!) Okay. That’s a good one and I can afford something a little better than Bud.
But what else? And what about the fact that even all these years later, the fact that the ex and his wife and family can afford “real” presents still bugs me – okay, hurts me? The fact that it still makes me feel as though I somehow failed?
Now, now. I know I raised them, I raised them well, and I didn’t fail at that. I know it. And I’m not competitive about things like money. It’s not in my nature. But it still irks me that I’m here – unable to give them what I would like, and I don’t just mean materially, but experientially. Oh, the times I dreamed that I might be able to take a trip with them somewhere incredible – to show them “my Paris” which I’ve been lucky enough to see on business trips and in the years before I was married.
It wasn’t to be… which isn’t to say they haven’t had incredible experiences on their own. They have! The elder has traveled throughout Europe since his early teens, some of it with European cousins and some on his own. He spent a semester of high school in a little town in France, and that was through our public school. He spent a summer working in Belgium, a year studying in Geneva, a summer working in Geneva… The kid has gotten around!
But none of that, no vacation at all, has been with me. Not in more than a dozen years since the marriage ended.
As for his brother, I flew with him on one domestic trip to another part of the country. That was a few years back, for a summer program. It was a good day, despite the debt, debt, and more debt. Two years ago I flew with him to move him into college. Yep. More debt, but a couple of wonderful days together that I will always treasure.
But a vacation of any sort?
No. Never. Not to be. Yeah, yeah. Get over it. I know.
Which brings me back to slinky’s and munchies, the Dollar Store or Tar-gét, the wonderful sales going on at Joseph A. Banks and Bloomingdales where I might pick out a tie or a wallet without breaking the bank, the gadgets at Brookstone that are always entertaining, and yes, the gift cards at Barnes & Noble.
I suspect I’m out of touch.
Listen. I’ve been lucky with my kids and I know it. They were a handful in their own way, and I’ve got the gray hair to prove it (which I paint, frequently). They were also as delicate as hand wash in the yeas after divorce – and even into adolescence – part of the ripple effects of the split that went on for years.
So now what?
How do I show my love except to be here when they need something and offer a chocolate orange? What do I purchase for holiday gifts? Argyles for the elder who is now working? A pocket Italian dictionary for the younger, headed to Firenze?
An IOU with a promise to love them forever, an easy gift to give, no matter what?
When will I feel like I’ve given enough, been enough?
Yeah, yeah. I know. Time to raid the fridge for some chocolate.
As a divorced mom with two daughters in college and a son in high school, I can completely understand your frustration. This time of year is especially hard when consider that I am out shovelling snow and scraping my car windows since I no longer have a garage- all to go a part-time job that doesn’t even cover my basic expenses, let alone gifts for 3 great kids.
And forget taking vacations with the kids. I certainly have not been able to afford that. My ex didn’t allow us to spend money on vacations with the kids while we were married.
After he walked out on us right before Christmas 6 years ago, he travels constantly to warm destinations with the co-worker he left our family for and we all have to watch.
Oh, Nancy Kay. Clearly, you get it. And it’s especially frustrating when it goes on for years and years, isn’t it, and with no end in sight?
Still, I content myself with the fact that my sons are doing well, they’re grounded and understand what it is to earn what they want (rather than have everything given), and while I wish I could put something under the tree other than the “usual” (that gets them rolling their eyes), perhaps the most important gift of all – the knowledge of how deeply their loved and respected – is reinforced throughout the year.
Wishing you and yours a wonderful season. And thank you for “getting it,” and for the commiseration.
D. A.