The last sunset of 2013 from Stinson Beach…
Happy New Year, kittens. I’ve missed you and the keys.
Did you feel a little claustrophobic over the last few days? If so, I know why. You holed up with me after the clock struck midnight and helped me open my eyes. We sat in the dark and batted some theories back and forth. You wouldn’t let me bob and weave and talk myself out of what needs to happen. You were magnificent. Especially when I said, It’s just not necessary! And you said, It’s beyond essential, mandatory, and you will be so very grateful!
That’s when we hugged. I grabbed the toilet paper (because I ran out of tissues…a few weeks ago), blew my nose for a solid minute, and we fell asleep in a heap. A happy heap.
But we really shouldn’t jump ahead…
New Year’s Eve Day dawned. I expected a clear blue sky like every other day as of late. The weather has been disturbingly spectacular. And that day did not disappoint. Although it started out softened with clouds, it morphed into a warm and sunny Winter day, NoCal style. The Dudes and I extended an invitation to several of their school chums and parents before the holiday break to join us on Stinson Beach for a play date to close out 2013. The Universe doesn’t take a holiday, so I was not surprised to look around the group that gathered and see a widow and three divorced moms, one with an additional tiara signifying a victory over breast cancer. A fourth divorced mom arrived at sundown.
Single parents gather in clusters. Like redheads. It’s true. If you see one redhead you will see four others before the end of the day. We tend to flock. In the case of redheads I believe it is a defense posture. For single parents the subset rule goes into effect. While our married friends don’t judge us (although some may have misplaced envy), they might subconsciously feel bad for us, and nobody wants to feel bad on New Year’s Eve.
Long before red and green M&Ms filled the candy aisle I knew The Dudes and I would be on Stinson Beach for New Year’s Eve. The tide calendar showed that a negative tide would arrive, revealing building sized boulders at the southern end of the beach, exposing to those who made the trek down the marine life that normally bends gently with the water’s pull, lit with sunlight diluted by saltwater.
The other exposure that happens during a negative tide is that which occurs at the hot springs. People get naked. The kids were really hopeful that they would see one of these rare naked bodies. A giant whale could have beached itself and coughed up the cast of The Wizard of Oz and they would have run right by on their way to find the naked people…all the while saying, Ewwwww, naked people!!!
I would have said something different had I the fortune of ending the year with a sighting involving even a naked forearm.
We were all momentarily disappointed by our Rated G outing, but so much else happened that day. For each of the adults that gathered. And, I imagine, for the children as well. They, too, have all experienced the pain of loss recently. As I write these words it’s just now crystalizing for me how magical it was for each of us and our children to come together and close out a year that brought so much change to our families.
I wonder if we all had epiphanies that day.
The day before New Year’s Eve my former spouse asked for The Dudes to call for end of year wishes and telephone kisses. At one point during the conversation the Tall Dude’s eyes met mine as he said into the phone, Here’s Mom, Happy New Year! I brushed off the handoff and said, That’s okay, honey.
He ended the call.
I don’t talk to my former spouse unless it’s about a co-parenting issue. I certainly didn’t need to wish him a Happy New Year. I wouldn’t give good wishes to someone who betrayed me, used me, and lied to me thousands of times. There is nothing abnormal about avoiding someone capable of such behavior. I don’t proactively socialize with people who screw other people over, much less if I’m the one they are screwing. You probably don’t either.
The next morning, on the 31st, I spoke with Melissa, my all-seeing friend to center in on my Mom’s transition away from the 3D. (I’m not avoiding the words death or dying. This is a transition.) She had some beautiful guidance to share. I felt my heart open, my eyes refocus on the subtleties of life instead of the hardcore realities. The Tall Dude’s expression at the moment he ended the call with his Dad materialized, larger than life. It was as if a movie theater emerged in my tiny, pitched roof bedroom, a chair slid into the back of my legs and somebody shoved popcorn in my hands as I fell. Orchestral suspense had been building like the quiet scenes right before the ax hits the door or the severed head falls into view from within a sunken boat. My eyes reflexively pressed closed.
No!
He needs to see me talk to his Dad. He needs me to talk to his Dad.
He needs to see us as a family. He needs us to be a family.
I wanted to stamp my feet.
Really? C’mon. Haven’t I done enough? I’m spinning magic, I’m present, I’m making good choices, I’m a grounded parent. I am making wonderful childhood memories with The Dudes. Leave the DBF (divorced best friends) to those who divorce without the complicating factor (ugly betrayal) of infidelity.
Tension seeped around my rib cage. Just the thought of spending time with him made me feel so dense and heavy.
No. I don’t need to do it. We will all be okay. Our (The Dudes and me) happiness does not hinge on me spending time with my former spouse. I don’t want to expose myself to his energy. Eventually they will understand.
I dusted the popcorn off my pants and got up. The End.
We wove our way south on Highway 1, hugging the lagoon. Flocks of shore birds and a gaggle of seals sunned themselves. The Dudes were stoked to see their school friends. The Tall Dude had on his skate pads and helmet, not wanting to delay skateboarding for even a moment upon our arrival in the parking lot. I let the thoughts of New Year’s Days past drift right on by, preferring instead to stay in the moment and focus on thoughts that would lead to growth.
I need to be very conscious of my emotions, see them, acknowledge them right away, like long lost acquaintances, some of whom I may not wish to spend much time with but should not ignore. Everyone, my former spouse included, has lessons to teach me. I am open to the magic when I do not resist. Which means that I need to have boundaries in place. Those boundaries insure that I don’t let emotions twirl me like a baton, that I observe instead of get consumed by the events unfolding around me, and that in the moment I am able to remain centered.
I am here to observe. To engage in a human life, fully present in the moment. Not running up ahead. Not buried in the past. But right here, right now, observing it all so that I can spot the signs and feel the magic.
As these words, these ideas, floated inside I felt myself stabilize. I visualized a fork in the road – the left lane dropped out of sight and then rose and fell and rose and fell through hills. While pretty, it was also pretty beat up. The road to the right S-curved its way through the hills, leaning into them making each turn easy, tight, smooth. It’s the kind of road that makes driving exhilarating, fun, sexy, engaging. Not tense like a battered road that tosses you about as you crane your neck to see over the next rise.
I thought of this potent quote sent to me by a kitten (thank you, love you, owe you, T!):
An old Cherokee told his grandson,
“My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, and truth.”
The boy thought about it and asked, “Grandfather, which wolf wins?”
The old man quietly replied, “The one you feed.”
Since first reading it I have come back to this quote numerous times and shared it with The Dudes as they make choices about which wolf to feed.
By the time we arrived at the beach I felt grounded and open and absolutely devoid of anxiety. I was totally at peace.
A big surf greeted us, crashing on the sand sending billows of spray into the air. The water behind it glittered. Shore birds dove in for snacks and a brave man swam laps, doing his best seal imitation on a beach known for Great White sightings. We spent the day herding kids and letting the boys know that if their wrestling resulted in broken bones they were on their own getting to a hospital. A friend baked us a tower of cookies with a clock striking midnight perched on top. After burgers from the Parkside, the children pulled apart the tower cookie by cookie, not caring that their hands were covered in sand.
Crumb covered smiles were everywhere. I threw gluten to the wind and ate one in four bites.
It was a waltz kind of day. People coming together and then drifting apart, spending time alone at the water’s edge and then gathered on a blanket. I worked out my Peyton Manning arm with a football (Honestly, how could my brothers have neglected to teach me the proper way to throw a football all those years? My spiral is spectacular. I could have been somebody.) and climbed the dunes to check on the older boys who left on a solo journey to the hamburger stand. They were SO stoked to be able to venture off without a parent shadowing them. Little did they know…we checked up but didn’t hover.
Late in the day I left for home to get the Tall Dude’s wet suit. He begged for me to retrieve it so he could get in the water. While I’m certain he wanted to show his friends how he could body surf, I could also see his soul begging to be able to ride the waves and let the buoyancy of the water lift his energetic body, lift his spirits. By the time I returned they had ventured down to the boulders. With wet suit in hand I quickly set off to catch up as the sun neared the horizon. With no warning, not even the tiniest hint that a gargantuan shift was imminent, in rushed this:
You promised him a family. You didn’t promise him you’d be married to his Dad, he understands that is now over, but you promised him a family. So you’ll give him a family.
I didn’t resist it. I didn’t feel nauseous at the prospect of what this might mean. There was not an ounce of dread.
Instead, I felt overjoyed because I KNEW inside that I had discovered, with the guidance of the Tall Dude, an important milestone in our relationship, the relationship I have with my son. I saw the agreement we made to each other. If I didn’t fulfill this agreement, he would be angry at me. Which in and of itself is not a problem. Anger exists. How we deal with it is the secret to moving through it without scarring. That was where he would get in a snag. He doesn’t want to be angry at me, with me. So, instead, he would bury it. And the wound would fester. And his life would be altered because we didn’t fulfill the agreement we made to each other.
The fork in the road appeared again. I had a choice. Veer to the left, away from spending time with my former spouse, and I would insure a tumultuous time for the Tall Dude and me, literally and karmacially. Take the right road and, much to my surprise, I would experience joy. Pure and total joy. Magic on steroids. I would make room for more love, greater gifts. I would be a giant leap closer to living an Ego-less life of bliss. My vibrational energy would be so gorgeous I would manifest my every need being met perfectly.
I looked right as the sun met the horizon and watched it melt into the sea. Up ahead I could see the Tall Dude in his bright green shirt, the one with the Great White on it. We ran to each other. He plowed into me with a hug, so grateful I retrieved his wet suit. Moments later he was riding in waves after promising me he wouldn’t go in above his knees. (I didn’t want him to be the lead story on the news that night.) Our bond was yet again strengthened when he made the choice to head to the waves after we had arrived back at the blanket. It was near dark. I couldn’t find him. Down at the water’s edge I saw a dark figure which would soon be consumed by the darkness itself. When he turned to see the speed at which I was running toward him he burst into tears.
Never go into the water without getting my direct permission, I firmly stated. Our eyes met. His filled with tears.
You scared me, Mommy.
I’m glad it was only scary and not a tragedy. Never go into the water alone. I would have not been able to see you if you got knocked over by a wave. Do you see how fast darkness comes? We turned to look at the water and saw white foam and endless black. It’s okay. This is how you learn, love. I’m not mad; I’m grateful you’re here and that you now know better.
As we walked back to the blanket, our arms wrapped around each other, I expressed gratitude for the teaching moments the day held. It was an unexpected grand finale to a year of growth and really good choices.
With darkness descending we gathered our belongings. We agreed that the proper way to wind down would involve a cocktail and the Sand Dollar.
I indulged with a perfect margarita, the last before I climb Mt. Rainier, and soaked in the scene – school friends gathered at a table in a tiny beach town far away from the normal day-to-day. Adults in various stages of healing and grieving and growing relaxed and maybe a bit relieved that the day held such peaceful energy, even with a few meltdowns that are to be expected when bodies, emotional and physical, are tired. When wounds are struggling to close.
Mr. Wild Card was there. He came over to say hello. It was like the old days. The Dudes goofed on him, he played back, we shared a warm smile and wishes for a magical new year. We were perfectly at ease in each other’s presence, happy to see each other.
That night as I lay in bed I wondered how I would be able to pull off the task that lay ahead, swinging back and forth between thoughts of It’ll be easy! and I will never be able to do it without feeling fake! (label, judge, label, judge) Like the ghost of Family Future, you kept showing me how it would not only be possible but lead to a truly clean and pure and honest life where my actions were not being controlled by my Ego. I reveled in that thought. I knew in my heart that I would be filled with strength and beauty and unconditional love for living up to the commitment I made to The Dudes. That by giving them the family that I promised them I would be creating epic momentum for an avalanche of gifts that I’ve earned. That I deserve.
I knew that by making this choice, by choosing the right road, I would find my Holy Grail. Literally.
I would achieve spiritual wholeness.
Which is way more beautiful than being righteous.
Sexier than a tiny bum.
More fulfilling than a hot kiss.
One hell of a way to start the New Year.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo. One word. NO. NO NO NO. Far be it from me to TELL you what to do, but DON’T DO IT. Your former spouse ( like many) is a manipulative, egotistal, cheater. This can only lead to hurt and disappointment and more grief for you and your sons. Yes that is my quote above about the wolves. ( thanks for the shout out.. lol). And I fully believe in that quote. BUT and this is a BIG BUT … you are headed down a road of troubles. Your sons need a family but YOU can be their family. The pretense of ‘family’ with your FS is just that, a pretense. He gave up that arrangement. You have good lines of communication with your kids. Your sons will NOT hold it against you. IF you choose to try to recreate the illusion of ‘family’ with your FS, you are simply encouraging them to play off you against him, and him against you. This will not end well. Trust one who has been there. Your boys will grow up to be compassionate well rounded young men, without the pretense. They are smarter than you give them credit for. You may thing you are hiding your feelings from them but THEY KNOW. And they WILL know when your FS hurts you again. You are giving the FS ammunition that he can and WILL use against you. You may say to yourself that you will be strong against the FS’s manipulations that are SURELY headed your way, but when it comes right down to it you will not want to disappoint the boys . You have finally made a break and are ( WERE) headed down the right path of individuality, ego-less happiness and right now you are taking a giant step backwards.. Don’t do it. You will not come out of this a hero in anyone’s eyes.. No one will say Oh Cleo you ‘tried’. Your sons will end up disappointed and disullisioned once again. You are a strong woman but right now this blonde chick is standing firmly in your way. telling you that this road is closed- go another way. Don’t make me come down there all the way from Canada and BOP you on your red head with my hockey stick.
L,
Part of my wants to make you come down here just so I can hang with a Canadian and talk hockey! But I can do that another way…
Okay. Kittens – I need you to go at it like the old days when we would dig deeper on a post and find the nuggets, explore the options, and bat around the possibilities in the comments. L speaks from experience. I am a newbie who has sworn off ‘expert’ opinions and instead rely upon you who have been drawn to me to guide me as we write it out at HGM.
My first feelings, L, are that I am not doing this for my FS, I am not doing this with my FS, and I am not doing this to make my FS’s life easier. I am doing this for The Dudes. Now, exactly what is IT that I am doing? Not going to the museum, or the movies or to dinner. I am not inviting him to my house, and I don’t wish to go to his. I’m not looking to be his friend. I want The Dudes to be able to have their parents in the same space at the same time so that they can emote, if motivated, to us both. I envision a walk in the woods. A hike on Mt. Tam. Time in Nature, where hearts open, where feelings can bubble to the surface.
I take your words seriously, L. I am in full on ponder mode as a result.
My former spouse cannot hurt me any more. That’s off the table. We have protocol to follow with our MSA and I plan on making certain that it is followed. Which includes co-parenting counseling. My boundaries are in place. I have fully moved on emotionally from him. I wish him nothing but good will and hope he lives happily ever after.
My primary focus is on The Dudes.
I come back to this feeling that won’t leave center stage – We brought The Dudes in and created a family which has a Mom and a Dad. They counted on that. My FS and I ended our marriage. Why should The Dudes have their family disbanded as well? (In this particular case. I understand that in many cases it is essential to ‘end’ the family for the sake of the children and I fully support that.)
L, What if we are creating a new way? Or an important segment on the journey?
What if…
Have at it, kittens. I need you.
Thank you, L. You are welcome here anytime. Especially if you bring me Lord Stanley. I am so grateful for your presence.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I loved this, Cleo, you are a beautiful writer. I really don’t see the danger to you personally in having some family experiences with your ex because it does appear that you have completely disassociated your self emotionally and set limits. You know him for what he is. He has no power anymore. You have your own power and that has given you peace. What you can do now is what feels right for the dudes. That is my opinion.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/02/divorce-story-_n_4509005.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce
You might want to read this. There is a middle ground. We’ve been spending holidays together as a “family,” and it’s hard. The kids really pick up on the dis-ease both parents display. We tried for their sake, but the events are never as special as they used to be, and we all ended up feeling disappointed. Personally, after this holiday season, I have concluded that it is healthier for me and my children to create new memories, even if that means letting go of old traditions. I will value my time with them and make their childhood magical, and give them experiences they will never forget — just as they haven’t forgotten the ones we created together before we separated. He can choose — or not — to do the same. I have no power over that.
My separation and divorce are — at least so far — as rational and amicable as it gets. But I tend to agree with Lori — my 14 year old son has asked why, if we can be such “good friends,” we are getting divorced. I don’t think that “family time” would create an opportunity for my ex to manipulate me in the way that Lori described (it’s a different kind of divorce), BUT:
Trying to pretend to be an intact “family” creates confusion, as my son’s question shows. And it gives the children an entirely irrational sense of what a loving, supportive relationship is supposed to be. For us, it masks the fact that my relationship with their father was simply not enough, and suggests that it’s okay to settle. I want to set a better example than that — especially for my daughter.
My children know that I will always be there to support their father when he really needs it, because I value him because he is their father. I have always been the go to gal in crises and to get stuff done (a huge part of the reason the marriage failed), and I have assured them that won’t change, even as respects their father, because he is THEIR father. The “family” has just taken another form.
The four of you will always have to have some level of interaction. You will be cordial and respectful and, above all, graceful.
But don’t forget your boundaries and don’t force it. You’ve spent a long time digging out your authentic self. Let her shine.
Please listen to Lori. I know how hard it is to let go of the idea of having a functional intact family. I’m sure your boys feel the pain of not having parents who respect each other and spend time together, BUT THAT IS THEIR REALITY. Life is not always smooth and easy. Sometimes, people hurt each other so much that any interaction is damaging.
Attemting to spend time with your ex for tha sake of the boys could give them false hope for a reconcilliation. It could confuse them. It will hurt you.
How will HDC factor in to this scanario? Do you expect that ALL of you will spend time together? That would be so nauseating and uncomfortable I can’t even image it.
From everything you have written about your ex, I suspect that he is an NPD. People with that particular disorder lack emathy. Please don’t put yourself in a position to have to deal with his poison. You matter. Your feelings matter. In order to be the most peaceful mom you can be, I think you should steer clear of him. Pretending to be ok with him for the sake of your boys is a lie. You are all about authenticity and truthfulness. Stay on that path. In the end, your boys will respect that you kept your boundaries and did not allow further abuse. Someday, all of this will come out. They will know what their father did and they will understand your response.
Something that might help is to imagine that your boys are in your shoes someday. What advice would you give them? Would you want them to expose themselves to more potential pain from their lying, unfaithful, and cruel ex?
You are such a wonderful and thoughtful writer and I get so much from your posts. I hope I have not come across as a hard-hearted person. I just think at this stage of the game, it is better to enforce strict contact boundaries for all of you.
C,
Thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to provide your perspective. It’s been a wild 15 hours of pondering, to include a very active dream time. The Universe is working mad to get me to see clearly. It’s a blend of ideas, and will become the backbone of my next post.
I missed the mark. You kittens all nailed it.
Love yourself,
Cleo
M,
I am so grateful for your intuitive guidance. I am breathing it all in (although through one nostril as the other seems to be stuffed with concrete) and have come to some startling (to me) conclusions. One that isn’t startling is that it is VERY easy to misinterpret, with the help of The Ego, the most significant sign. It was right there in front of me all along, but my Ego kept dancing in front of it hoping I would be enamored with its moves and miss the magic.
The events that have happened since I asked for help have been remarkable. I can’t wait to share. Thank you, M. You help me to be strong, to resist the urge to please, to make it all better in a way that my Ego desires, and to instead follow my heart. Trust my heart. Trust my soul.
I’m grateful you took the time to comment. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
A,
Might want to read it? How about must read, right now. It hit so close to home I don’t even have to read it twice. So sly, so sneaky…the way The Ego affects our choices. I was about to set myself up for carrying the family again, stroking the Ego of my former spouse. I am not here to rescue him. And I am not here to create confusion. The Tall Dude picked me for a reason. I can’t dilute who I am or I will fail him.
My heart is racing at the thought of what I might have created. And all that I would have missed.
Thank you so much for sending this link, for taking the time to comment and for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Such a beautiful post for the New Year and I’m sure your experiences on the beach have led you to this new thought process. But sometimes our thoughts get the better of us as we try to wade through the muck and the mire of this swamp called separation/divorce. I am so grateful to have read L and A’s posts, grateful for my fellow Canuck who seems to have been down this road before. I had the same thought process (somewhat) as you this holiday, our first not as a “family”. My children, of course, are older (25, 23 and 19) but in some ways harder to reconcile all the changes. My daughter (19) did not want to change traditions – decorate the same way, get a real tree ( she and her father go every year to the local church to get the “perfect” tree). I thought he might call her to go again but no. So off we went, she, her older brother and I. At the church I met up with some old friends, one whose husband is dying of cancer and it is imminent. He was hardly recognizable except for his eyes and he hugged me and I realized it was my time to get the tree this year. I saw in his eyes joy and peace and I felt it. I decided that I would extend an invitation to FS to spend some time on Christmas day with us – a couple of hours all together as the family, I could do that I told myself in the spirit. My pain was healing and I was learning to let go ( thanks in part to you and your posts). My eldest was coming 8 hours on the train for the week from school and his girlfriend was coming on Boxing Day. We could spend some time together. My children want nothing to with the HDC even though she was forced on the boys in ambushes ( one at work, the other at a golf tournament) Neither knew she would be there. My daughter has refused to see or spend time with her and consequently her father continues to cancel on lunch and coffee dates with her. However, it was Christmas! Time for family and friends. So the invitation was extended and initially he said okay. Then, the real NPD FS emerged The week before Christmas, he announced to all 3 that he would be having Christmas with his family (and the HDC) in his home town ( 4 hours away) on the weekend before Christmas and that they would also be celebrating his fathers’ ( their grandfathers) 92nd birthday. None of them wanted to spend Christmas with him and her or legitamize his concept of “family” now so it was put to them as “you don’t know how many Christmas’ he has left”? There it was the good ol’ “family guilt” that his mother was so good at. I need to say at this point that all of my children make their own time to visit with their grandfather including me. My family is also from the same home town and with every visit , we visit with “pop”. Summer, and fall. This year Christmas was at my house. 2 of them said no… my daughter wanted to visit with her boyfriend who was leaving on the 21st for holidays in the States and my middle one was working and did not want to go. The eldest was spending time with his girlfriends family on the 22nd and then taking the train home on the 23rd until FS sister, their aunt, started her attempts at “family” time. She left messages for all 3 that they were expected and once again, for their grandfather’s birthday. Then FS called my eldest and had him take an earlier train stopping halfway for Christmas/ birthday party. He even would pay for the ticket. My son succumbed but would not drive back with his father instead opting to get off the train for 3 hours then back on to home. On the Friday before he left for the weekend , he stopped to drop off my daughters gift and spent 10 min. with her. That would be all she saw of her father over the holidays. I was incensed at the manipulation and the upset of the holiday plans but I kept talking to myself and trying to let go… each of the kids had to do what they felt best doing. On the 22nd when they were all home he texted each to say he was having a “family” dinner ( at the HDC place where he lives now) on the 23rd and hoping they would come – a resounding NO from each of them. The boys received a text on the 24 to meet him for lunch and get their gifts. They agreed and went for an hour. My middle son paid for lunch!!! He told them he would not be coming over on Christmas day because he did not feel “wanted”. Both boys said fine. And they explained to me that they did not want him there on Christmas Day. They didn’t need the tension and his mood swings. They just wanted to spend Christmas with me and their grandmother and them – that was their family. I have spent the last week mulling it all over. I have realized what has been dragging at me is this concept of family. We had promised them a family, we had promised each other that and HE broke that, HE took that away. It makes me angry but I realize he had no concept of family for them or for us or we wouldn’t be in this position now. They don’t have parents any more – a mom and dad they can come home to, discuss things with, go out for dinner, see rumbling around the house snipping at each other as old married couples do. They now have a mother and a father… a mother who they love and adore, and worry about, and come to for advice and support and a meal, or to do their laundry and know is their ground, their stability. And a father who has acted like an a** and continues to do so, and embarasses them and humiliates them and ambushes them, who they feel obligation to ( for god knows what) and who wants to play “family” with his new HDC in some delusional world. So the question that I keep asking is “What is family”…and this is what I have come to. Family is a feeling of safety and comfort and love… not tension, anxiety and obligation. My family has changed, it will never be the same as it was for 33years, it is not what I ever wanted but it was not to be with the person who ended up being my FS – he is not who I want a family with for clearly he does not put the feelings or needs of his family first. He spent a total of 4 hours and 10 min. with his children combined over the holidays and that had nothing to do with me. Keep the boundaries and make your new family full of love and comfort. PS It’s cold up here, we all need to be on a beach in California!!!!
cin.
NO,NO,NO——–cleo there is no family—–it is broken—–you are the most level headed person in BLOG WORLD——-you have helped so many—–why pretend,lie and suffer—–your kids need to know reality —-it is what it is—–you did not promised a family—–you promised to love them and raise them the best way you could—–and you are—–your ex is not the best role model as you very well know—–why would you have to share your space with him—–he killed your trust,your love,your security,your marriage,your peace. THIS IS NOT YOU CLEO——it boggles my mind why mothers think PART TIME DADS ARE SO IMPORTANT AFTER THEY ABANDON THEIR KIDS FOR ANOTHER WOMAN——I DON’T GET IT——my kids have thanked me for keeping their dad away from them as much as possible—–they know the difference between a good dad and a fake dad.———–i will pray for you—–you are making a big mistake and you have come such a long way in your recovery—–LOVE AND PEACE
Cindy, but you extended the invitation and your children saw you do that. Whatever happened you get credit by them for that. You contributed to their sense of comfort and security by extending that. Sometimes I think we have to do that for our kids. It helps them move forward by seeing us let go of our angst.
C,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for giving me much to ponder. A new kind of family… So many different points of view to digest. I am so grateful for the input. From all of you and from the Universe who kindly sent me some swift kicks in the bum to keep me in line. I’ll be working through them at the keys over the next day and post before I head to the east to be with my Mom.
You Canucks have it going on. How about a Kitten Summit in Cali?
Love yourself,
Cleo
J,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your passionate guidance. I read all your words and appreciate every one. I did ‘settle it down’ a bit 🙂 to keep things calm on my end. But know that I understand exactly what you are saying. All the comments have made such an impact on me. Leaves me feeling a little wobbly, but I’ve righted myself before!
I misread the signs. And boy did the Universe show up. Thank you for helping me to center, J. I need to remain very grounded right now. Things are bit wild. My plan is to pretend it’s Oposite Day. More when I post tonight.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Unfortunately we can only control those things that are in our power to control, and acting otherwise is either insanity or hubris. You said in the beginning:
“I wouldn’t give good wishes to someone who betrayed me, used me, and lied to me thousands of times. There is nothing abnormal about avoiding someone capable of such behavior. I don’t proactively socialize with people who screw other people over, much less if I’m the one they are screwing.”
This is their father. This is the man through whose actions you have learned the fine arts of Boundaries, Conjuring of the Observer Self, and elite-level Ego-jitsu.
Perhaps it was shocking and a little hurtful to the Tall Dude that you refused the call, however gently. It sounded shocking and scary for him when you swooped out of the dark at Stinson. But showing him that you respect yourself and that your boundaries are to be respected is equally as important as teaching respect for the dangers of sharks and darkness.
I don’t think you’re wrong. The Dudes do need a family. But carefully consider the kind of family that is in your power to give them.
J,
So beautifully written. Each and every word. I will come back to this comment many times over.
So, you saw my Ego at play as well? “Unfortunately we can only control those things that are in our power to control, and acting otherwise is either insanity or hubris.” Hubris, for sure. I can do it! I can summit! I can flip tractor tires! I can mend broken hearts! I, I, I, I…
I’m excited to have the heavy lifting of divorce behind me and be able to fully settle in and enjoy the wonderful family we have created. I am present. In the moment. And so very grateful.
Thank you for taking the time to comment, J. Your words made an impact.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Holy polar vortex, Batman!.. Cleo, if you want to “summon it”, we will be there. Stinson Beach or bust! I think a Kitten Summit is somewhere in the Universe. Another extension of how far you have reached with your tiny little blog!!
Take care with all your ponderings and love to your family,
cin
C,
Oh! You got to use Holy Polar Vortex before me! 😉
I have said Polar Vortex!!!!!!!!! so many times no one even pays attention anymore. Not even a giggle. It’s as if I’m not here.
Thank you for your love and kind words. We will (oh, my goodness I almost just typed ‘we will do a polar vortex’!) have a kitten summit for sure. Signs are being sent, the right places making themselves known. Soon-ish, I will know.
And, I am entering to win the HGTV home in Truckee, CA (Tahoe) so I can turn it into a retreat for people dealing with infidelity, betrayal and divorce. A free retreat, a place to begin the process of healing on the right foot, or snowshoe. Kitten summits every week of the year!
I’m grateful for the opportunity to make that a reality. And for your presence here, C. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Powerful! Following your journey. I am currently where you were on January 2014. I have the exact dilemma…I promised my tall dude a family, and he is asking me to fufill my promise. Still cannot stand to hear or see my ex, but I did make a promise to my son, and I will honour it. Thank you for all that you give. It is eerie how your journey mirrors mine, yet comforting that I am not alone.
JD
J, Thank you for taking the time to comment and for bringing me back to this post at the most perfect time. You are not alone. And, please don’t let this scare you, I am still coming to understand what our ‘family’ is today. But the good news is I have continued to grow and am so grateful for these last 12 months. Continue on, no spoiler here. Grateful you found HGM. Love yourself, Cleo