A couple years ago I read an essay in The New York Times in which the writer described the psychological legacy of staying married to a gay husband for the sake of her children. That writer, Jane Isay, has just released Secrets and Lies, a book exploring the impact of family secrets on adult children, who often grow up doubting their perceptions, and manifesting various inauthentic scenarios in their own marriages.
I don’t usually review books, but I seized the opportunity when I was asked to review this one. I remembered how much The New York Times essay had resonated with me: now ten years out of a miserable marriage, I still wonder, from time to time, if I should have stayed for the sake of the kids, considering the crap they’ve had to endure post-divorce.
Although Isay doesn’t offer a definitive answer to the should-we-stay-together-for-the-children question, she makes a strong case for ending a low-conflict marriage that can be sustained only by lies:
“While it may seem best for the children…the side effects include the decline of intimacy, the attenuation of trust, and the dimunition of the self. This change in the relationship may be obvious in the home or it may be hidden behind the bedroom door. Either way, it alters the atmosphere in which the children grow up.”
Using her own marriage as a jumping-off point, Isay interviewed adults who learned that some central aspect of their life narrative was a lie told to them, either directly or indirectly by their parents, and often, extended family: secret adoptions; closeted mental illness; a love child; an affair; a dead parent who turns out to be alive.
Through deconstructing the stories of her interview subjects, Isay distills two crucial observations.
One, if their childhoods were good enough, and/or the caretakers who lied to them made sincere restitution, people were able to reassemble a meaningful life narrative and go on to live authentic lives. Minus these elements, however, people ended up so crippled by deceit that it impacted their ability to trust and to love. They never recovered from being raised in the context of a lie.
Two, when children grow up in a “secret-keeping family,” they learn to be inauthentic. They doubt their own perceptions, look to others to tell them how they should feel, and often, enter marriages in which they unwittingly collude with another secret-keeper, thereby perpetuating the cycle for their own children.
Secrets don’t have to black-and-white (an affair, or one parent in the closet) to be destructive. Growing up with two miserably-married parents who insist that they’re happy can also make kids doubt their reality — especially when there is no one around to corroborate their suspicions.
One of the “secrets” in my family of origin — more of a myth than a secret, really — was that we were a cohesive family. My sister and I used to argue about this for years. Ten years older than I, she left the house when my parents were still happily married. As their marriage quietly eroded, I was the only one left at home, and I got triangulated into their relationship. It was easier for them to focus on what was wrong with me — and I did struggle with issues they didn’t know how to address — than the fact that they had grown so distant they were more like roommates than spouses.
The other myth was that my adoption into the family was as normal as if I had been born into the family. It was anything but. I didn’t look like anyone, I didn’t act like anyone, and I was confused and alienated without having the language to talk about how I felt.
Even if I had had the language, my family wouldn’t have been able to hear it, because they had a lot invested in the narrative of a cohesive family. It was what they wanted, and more important, what they came to believe. It was what I wanted, but what I didn’t believe.
And this is where things got really murky. To fit in, didn’t I need to believe it? Or if I acted like I believed it, would I grow to believe it? Conversely, if I spoke my truth, would I let everyone down? And was my truth even true if people told me it wasn’t?
Given the complete muddle of my perceptions, it’s no surprise that I grew up learning to be inauthentic. I gave my power away constantly. I let other people tell me what to think and what to feel. I learned how to become who other people wanted me to be. So it made sense that I married into a family that prized image and conformity — and inflicted emotional and financial abuse on those who chose to be authentic. Namely me.
But also, by extension, to my children, who are growing up in a petri dish of divided loyalty and financial inequity and passive-aggressive warfare. Luca is now openly angry about some of the things that have gone on, while Franny tends to act like everything’s fine in order not to upset people. It is much easier for me to address Luca’s anger — because it’s out in the open — than it is to mine Franny’s tightly-sealed feelings. After years of wringing my hands over Luca, I am now wringing my hands over my daughter. I can only hope that if I let her know that I’m here to listen when she feels like talking, and I will validate her truth even if it upsets me, that she will grow up feeling entitled to be herself.
All I can do for my children now is show up, be open, listen, accept, and love. I have no clue what our family narrative will look like in twenty years, but I take some solace in Isay’s conclusion:
“No more putting on a false front to the rest of the world. No more building little fences around yourself…And the people who count in our lives, the ones from whom we keep our secrets and to whom we reveal them, also have a choice. They may be dumbfounded at the truth and hurt by the loss of trust…Some revelations stop relationships in their tracks. But others reveal the true person in our midst, the imperfect, limping, and often loving soul we cared about so much. And so we continue to care, and together we can rebuild, this time slowly, on a foundation of truth. We can build a house together…that is nourished by acceptance.”
I wonder if this is true if you divorced because you were in a loveless marriage. I initiated my divorce because I realized I didn’t love my husband. I still worry how it effected my children even though I am truly happy now.
I’ve tried very hard to make sure our children have grown up within a ‘truth’ with all of it’s beautiful, and sometimes ugly, heads. Like Medusa, only I drove an SUV.
I’m relieved that the issue of inauthenticity has been brought to the daylight. Now it is possible to put a name to the problem in order to identify what is happening. This is exactly my story. Although painstaking to recover, it is possible. Little by slowly……
Help for FATHER’S THAT IS STILL INVOVLED WITH THERE CHILD, BUT SEPERATED FROM MONEY HUNGRY EX BABY MAMA’S.
I have a great idea to Change the “law” for Child support:
(UCCJEA) Under Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act
I feel if your not in the child’s life at all then you DESERVE to be charged by state Child Support- such as neglectful, abusive, dependency, wardship, termination of your parental rights, and protection from your domestic violence
proceedings.
NOW I’M FOR ALL YOU FATHERS THAT HAVE A BABY MAMA THAT IS- REFUSING TO NEGOTIATE A DEAL WITH CUSTODY AFTER SPLITTING , YOUR A LOW INCOME FATHER , STILL FINANCIALLY PROVIDING FOR YOUR CHILD, OR HAVE PARTIAL CUSTODY AND INVOLVED IN CHILD’S LIVELY ACTIVITIES.
The UCCJEA eliminates the term “best interests” in order to clearly
distinguish between the jurisdictional standards and the substantive standards
relating to custody and visitation of children.There is currently no uniform method of enforcing custody and visitation
orders validly entered in another State. As documented by the Obstacles Study,
despite the fact that both the UCCJA and the PKPA direct the enforcement of
visitation and custody orders entered in accordance with mandated jurisdictional
prerequisites and due process.
click THIS FORM TO START A PETITION:
http://www.courts.ca.gov/documents/fl270.pdf
NOW, THIS PART IS VERY IMPORTANT! YOU MUST READ THIS A FIND AS MANY SECTIONS OF THE ARTICLES to better explain why you should NOT have to pay for child support, when your there in every way to support your child.
UNIFORM CHILD-CUSTODY JURISDICTION
AND ENFORCEMENT ACT (1997)
[ARTICLE] 1
GENERAL PROVISIONS
SECTION 101. SHORT TITLE. This [Act] may be cited as the Uniform
Child-Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act.
Comment
Section 1 of the UCCJA was a statement of the purposes of the Act.
Although extensively cited by courts, it was eliminated because Uniform Acts no
longer contain such a section. Nonetheless, this Act should be interpreted
according to its purposes which are to:
(1) Avoid jurisdictional competition and conflict with courts of other States
in matters of child custody which have in the past resulted in the shifting of
children from State to State with harmful effects on their well-being;
(2) Promote cooperation with the courts of other States to the end that a
custody decree is rendered in that State which can best decide the case in the
interest of the child;
(3) Discourage the use of the interstate system for continuing controversies
over child custody;
(4) Deter abductions of children;
(5) Avoid relitigation of custody decisions of other States in this State;
(6) Facilitate the enforcement of custody decrees of other States;
SECTION 102. DEFINITIONS. In this [Act]:
(1) “Abandoned” means left without provision for reasonable and necessary
care or supervision.8
(2) “Child” means an individual who has not attained 18 years of age.
(3) “Child-custody determination” means a judgment, decree, or other order
of a court providing for the legal custody, physical custody, or visitation with
respect to a child. The term includes a permanent, temporary, initial, and
modification order. The term does not include an order relating to child support or
other monetary obligation of an individual.
(4) “Child-custody proceeding” means a proceeding in which legal custody,
physical custody, or visitation with respect to a child is an issue. The term includes
a proceeding for divorce, separation, neglect, abuse, dependency, guardianship,
paternity, termination of parental rights, and protection from domestic violence, in
which the issue may appear. The term does not include a proceeding involving
juvenile delinquency, contractual emancipation, or enforcement under [Article] 3.
(5) “Commencement” means the filing of the first pleading in a proceeding.
(6) “Court” means an entity authorized under the law of a State to establish,
enforce, or modify a child-custody determination.
(7) “Home State” means the State in which a child lived with a parent or a
person acting as a parent for at least six consecutive months immediately before the
commencement of a child-custody proceeding. In the case of a child less than six
months of age, the term means the State in which the child lived from birth with
any of the persons mentioned. A period of temporary absence of any of the
mentioned persons is part of the period.9
(8) “Initial determination” means the first child-custody determination
concerning a particular child.
(9) “Issuing court” means the court that makes a child-custody
determination for which enforcement is sought under this [Act].
(10) “Issuing State” means the State in which a child-custody determination
is made.
(11) “Modification” means a child-custody determination that changes,
replaces, supersedes, or is otherwise made after a previous determination
concerning the same child, whether or not it is made by the court that made the
previous determination.
(12) “Person” means an individual, corporation, business trust, estate, trust,
partnership, limited liability company, association, joint venture, government;
governmental subdivision, agency, or instrumentality; public corporation; or any
other legal or commercial entity.
(13) “Person acting as a parent” means a person, other than a parent, who:
(A) has physical custody of the child or has had physical custody for a
period of six consecutive months, including any temporary absence, within one year
immediately before the commencement of a child-custody proceeding; and
(B) has been awarded legal custody by a court or claims a right to legal
custody under the law of this State.
(14) “Physical custody” means the physical care and supervision of a child.10
(15) “State” means a State of the United States, the District of Columbia,
Puerto Rico, the United States Virgin Islands, or any territory or insular possession
subject to the jurisdiction of the United States.
[(16) “Tribe” means an Indian tribe or band, or Alaskan Native village,
which is recognized by federal law or formally acknowledged by a State.]
(17) “Warrant” means an order issued by a court authorizing law
enforcement officers to take physical custody of a child.
First: ask for new court order:
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CB4QFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.courts.ca.gov%2Fdocuments%2Ffl300.pdf&ei=DJCxVJbtKonUoATL0QE&usg=AFQjCNFhzgoKmgYO0K1HjwXI1k8HzKEwAQ
second: Get a fee Waiver:
third:File Income and expense Declaration
fourth Proof of service by mail:
fifth: If you are changing a spousal or partner support order made as part of your divorce or legal separation judgment, or after the judgment, it may be helpful for you to use the Spousal or Partner Support Declaration Attachment (Form FL-157). This form asks you to provide the information the judge will need to make a decision in your case, addressing all the factors the law tells the judge to consider when making decisions about long-term spousal or partner support. This form is optional, but even if you do not use it, you may want to take a look at it to make sure you understand what you will have to prove to the judge.
Six: Check LIST!!!!
1. Fill out your court forms
Fill out:
• Request for Order (Form FL-300). You can use the Information Sheet for Request for Order (Form FL-300-INFO) for information to fill out FL-300. (Ask your family law facilitator if you need to check the box for “Court Order” and item 4 on Form FL-300); and
• Income and Expense Declaration (Form FL-150).
• If you are changing a spousal or partner support order made as part of your divorce or legal separation judgment, or after the judgment, it may be helpful for you to use the Spousal or Partner Support Declaration Attachment (Form FL-157). This form asks you to provide the information the judge will need to make a decision in your case, addressing all the factors the law tells the judge to consider when making decisions about long-term spousal or partner support. This form is optional, but even if you do not use it, you may want to take a look at it to make sure you understand what you will have to prove to the judge.
• Also use a Declaration (Form MC-030) or an Attached Declaration (Form MC-031) if you need more space to explain why you believe a change in spousal or partner support is needed.
2. Have your forms reviewed
Ask your court’s family law facilitator to review your paperwork. The facilitator can make sure you filled it out properly before you move ahead with your case.
3. Make at least 2 copies of all your forms
One copy will be for you; another copy will be for your former spouse or partner. The original is for the court. If the local child support agency (LCSA) is involved in your case, make 3 copies.
4. File your forms with the court clerk
Turn in your forms to the court clerk. He or she will keep the original and return the copies to you, stamped “Filed.” You may have to pay a filing fee. Find out how much the fee for filing a Request for Order is. If you cannot afford the fee, you canask for a fee waiver.
5. Get your court date
The clerk will give you a court date and write it on your Form FL-300.
6. Serve your papers on your former spouse or domestic partner
Serve your spouse or partner with a copy of your papers and a blank Responsive Declaration to Request for Order (Form FL-320) and blank Income and Expense Declaration (Form FL-150) before your court date. Remember, someone else — NOT you — must serve the papers.
• If you filed a Request for Order (Form FL-300) with the box for “Court Order” and Item 4 checked, your papers MUST be served in person at least 16 court days before your court date.
• If you filed a Request for Order (Form FL-300) with NO check marks on the box for “Court Order” nor on Item 4, you can probably serve your pouse or partner by mail. But if you serve by mail, you must do it at least 16 court days before the hearing plus 5 calendar days for mailing. Ask the family law facilitator if you are not sure if you can serve your papers by mail.
Get more information about “service.” Look at the front of Form FL-300 to see if the court ordered you to serve any other documents
Remember that if the local child support agency (LCSA) is involved in your case because they are helping you with enforcement of your support orders, you will have to serve them with a copy of your papers as well.
7. File your proof of service
Have your server fill out a Proof of Service by Mail (Form FL-335) (or 2, if you also had to serve the LCSA). You must then file each Proof of Service with the court. It is very important your server fills out the Proof of Service correctly. If possible, have your family law facilitator review it to make sure it was filled out properly.
If the papers were served in person, your server has to fill out a Proof of Personal Service (Form FL-330).
8. Go to your court hearing
Go to your court hearing and take a copy of all your papers and each Proof of Service. Bring proof of your income and expenses and any documents that support your argument that there has been a change in circumstances that makes it necessary to change the spousal or partner support.
Read Going to Court to find out how to prepare for your court hearing.
Keep in mind that family law facilitators can help you mediate your spousal or partner support issues. So even after you ask for a court date, you can try to work out an agreement on changing your spousal or partner support. If you can work out an agreement, the facilitator can help you write it up and turn it into the judge for his or her signature, making it a court order. If you do not reach an agreement in mediation, you can still go in front of the judge so he or she can make a decision in your case.
After the court hearing
Once the judge makes a decision at the court hearing, the judge will sign a court order. In some courtrooms, the clerk or court staff will prepare this order for the judge’s signature. In other courtrooms, it is the responsibility of the person who asked for the hearing to prepare the court order for the judge to sign. If either side has a lawyer, the lawyer will usually be asked to prepare the order.
If you have to prepare this order, you will need to fill out the Findings and Order After Hearing (Form FL-340), and theSpousal, Partner, or Family Support Order Attachment (Form FL-343).
Also turn in an Earnings Assignment Order for Spousal or Partner Support (Form FL-435) so that the wages of the person paying support can be garnished (assigned) to pay the support. If there is already an earnings assignment order, it will be changed to collect the new amount of support. When you fill out Form FL-435, make sure you only include the last 4 digits of the social security number of the person paying support – the law requires it to protect his or her privacy.
Hope this is Helpful after your Final Case. Good Luck