My Own Pride & Prejudice…When It Comes To Marriage

 

“I am determined that nothing but the very deepest love could induce me into matrimony.” – Pride & Prejudice

Ever since I began writing exclusively for DivorcedMoms.com, women from all over the world, have been contacting me, sharing the their personal stories of marriage and divorce. From the newly single mom in Chicago to the woman in Sydney contemplating leaving her marriage, we have forged a sisterhood of women of starting over and taking charge of our lives.

Many friends write me, asking for advice on how to navigate the terrain of divorce, whether how to begin the process or how to move forward after filing for divorce. Not only is this a humbling experience, but I am honored that so many wonderful women find comfort, and insight, in my writings. 

When I learn about their divorces, I experience a mixed bag emotions, ranging from sadness for their loss and joy for the exciting chapters to unfold in each of their lives.

Five years ago, I chose to file divorce, leaving all I have ever know behind, start over as a single mom and create a life of my own. It was the darkest, hardest and most painful experience of my life, which has left a permanent imprint on my heart and will never be erased from my memory. Only my closest loved ones know the depths of depression, heartache and sadness, that filled my life, during the early years. 

Let me be as brutally honest as possible, divorce isn’t all glamorous, adventurous, exciting and carefree. My life isn’t all trips to foreign lands, CrossFit and dating sexy men, this is a slice of the whole pie. When I signed on the dotted line of my divorce decree, I wasn’t prepared for the reality of being a divorced single mom.

Being a single mom has as many cons, as there are many pros. It’s lonely, exhausting and thankless, yet I wouldn’t change it for the world.

What you read now, is a culmination of years of making mistakes, learning from those mistakes, dating the wrong men, healing, self-discovery, owning up to my flaws, learning to love myself, growing in confidence, gaining life experience, stumbling upon wisdom, challenging my fears and finding peace in the path that I am journeying on in this life.

Never would I have imagined, beginning a second career as a blogger and advocating for women who have experienced divorce. At times it is incredibly surreal, how much my life has changed in such a short span. I was just your average military mommy, going through the motions of life, when it got flipped and turned upside down.

Earlier this week, a fellow blogger wrote a piece on how divorce can be a reason for celebration, so I decided to share it on my Facebook page. Little did I know it would strike a chord in different women, with conflciting views on the matter.

My cousin shared that divorce is nothing to celebrate, that we don’t grow up wishing to be divorced. Next, our resident divorce expert, the beloved Cathy Meyer, asserted that leaving an unhealthy marriage is absolute reason to celebrate. I believe both women are right, in that divorce is painful, no little girl wishes for it, but you have a right to celebrate the ending of an unfruitful marriage. 

Before making judgement on my cousin, I simply shared my story of divorce, a story very few are privy to the details. Further sharing my respect for her point of view, while authentically honest about mine. During our conversation, I discovered like so many individuals, divorce literally hit home for her, as a child of divorce.

Next week is my Sweet Cicily two year blog anniversary, which is very exciting milestone in my life. What’s interesting is that my blog was never intended to be a “divorce blog”, but was discovered by the creators of Divorced Moms. Now I feel almost obligated to share my divorce experience, seeing as this is a platform and resource for divorced women.

Here’s a confession, sometimes I wish I wasn’t known as the divorced girl. Why do you think I talk so  much about CrossFit? It’s because I too grow tired of the word “divorce”. Honestly, at what point can I start calling myself single and drop the divorced label?

Although, my marriage ended in a divorce, I don’t want it to define my existence, yet I don’t deny that divorce allowed me to redefine how I lived my life. While writing about my divorce has been a part of my healing process, it still ties me to my past, which I want to leave behind.

When you write about divorce, it is only natural to analyze love, marriage and divorce. Sometime I just want to forget about all three.  All three have tested my pride and prejudice (so to speak), and have led to developing my own prejudices. It’s no secret, because of my difficult divorce, marriage is this last thing on my mind. Nor do I look at love foolishly.

It is why I relate so well to Jane Austen’s “Pride & Prejudice”, where the main female character, has little interest in finding a suitor. While her siblings and mother obsess finding themselves husbands, Elizabeth Bennet occupies her time, in pursuits other than gaining the attention of men. Miss Bennet was ahead of her time.

Even my best friend is getting married this weekend and I’m struggling to feign excitement, not because I am not happy for her, but I don’t have much faith in men and marriage. I hate that I feel that way. I would be lying to you, that even five years later, I still have an internal struggle.

I’m not saying that marriage is foolish, I just realize it may not be for me. Maybe not everyone is supposed to be married.  I don’t fantasize about wedding dresses, diamond rings or having a husband. I’ve had a wedding, remodeled a home with a husband and had my baby, I have checked all the boxes.

I have taken marriage off the table. It’s going to take a great man, patience and understanding, to ever make me ever consider saying “I DO”. While I do want commitment, I’m unsure of marriage as whole.

As Jane Austen said, “I am determined that nothing but the very deepest love could induce me into matrimony.”

Last night I dreamt I met my soul mate. Out of nowhere, he appeared, held me close, kissed me and told me he was finally here and has been looking for me all this time. Perhaps, like Austen’s Elizabeth Bennet, I will one day, find my Mr. Darcy, when I am not even looking.

I do feel in my heart, my dream is telling me he’s on his way and all these broken roads, are leading us both to finally find each other.

One day, I pray, that I can put aside my PRIDE and prejudice (aka remove my remaining PREJUDICES), in hopes to share this life with a man who ardently admires me and loves me.  A genuine love that will bewitch my mind,my body and my soul.

What prejudices do you have?

Can pride be destructive you back?

Love,

Sweet Cicily