When you go through a major life change, typically extended family is at your doorstep offering casseroles and a shoulder to cry on. Isn’t that what family is for? To be there when no one else has the time or inclination? The first and last humans on the planet you can rely on? Yes, if there’s been a death, job loss or severe accident then you would certainly garner much family sympathy and support.
But divorce is different.
Divorce has an ugly reputation that creates bad feelings including accusations and judgment. Divorce is the ugly step sister, the evil step mother and the weeds that just won’t stop growing in your garden. Unfortunately many people including family, cannot see the beautiful side of divorce. So, instead of rising up to support you, they may turn the other cheek.
Your family may not be there on your doorstep with that casserole.
What is surprising though is when a family flat out, doesn’t agree with your decision. They ask whether you went to counseling and if you’ll remain friends with your ex, for example. Sometimes, they just need a ‘reason’ or a ‘story’ to validate your decision. It can be disrespectful to your personal boundaries and undermine your confidence. Instead of unconditional support, they challenge you in your decision to end your marriage.
Apparently, not all families are as loving as the fictional family in ‘Parenthood’ but I digress.
This scenario can be very unsettling. When you need support most and when you expect loyalty from your family, it just isn’t there. You feel very alone going through this without their understanding.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t…
One of the lessons I learned? The people who are supporting you emotionally and showing loyalty to you? THOSE PEOPLE ARE YOUR FAMILY.
I hope you always have family support no matter what. I hope you can rely on your family for assistance whether it’s emotional, financial or physical (just being there). If there is only one of those categories available to you, at least know that they can give that one thing. Find the good, no matter how small and know how to ask for it.
But if your family is all but invisible when you need them; What can you do?
ACCEPT that your family doesn’t get it …
MAKE A FAMILY where you are now
ASK your family for what they CAN give (maybe it’s financial assistance but not emotional)
LOWER your expectations of family (you won’t be disappointed)
START BELIEVING in your own power … and get shit done
FIND support you need elsewhere, even in a support group
When family doesn’t get IT, we have to move forward. Realizing that not everyone will agree or support our decision to end our marriage (even though it is the most personal decision you’ll ever make) will allow us to move on and avoid judgment. Knowing that there may be resistance to your decision will allow you to moderate the emotional damage that comes with divorce.
Living a positive life will show your family that you’re on a path that’s right for you. Spend less time justifying your life and more time living it. Eventually your family will come to understand that you made the right decision.
Building our independence and seeking help from the right people will give us the emotional boost we need during the difficult, transitional time that divorce represents. Recognizing the people who DO give you unconditional support will infuse you with the positive spirit and energy that divorce requires.
Casseroles, be damned…
How has your family reacted to your divorce?
FAQs About Divorce And Unsupportive Family:
What sort of reputation does divorce have?
Divorce has an ugly reputation, which makes people raise accusations and pass judgments. Don’t be surprised when you see jaws drop and eyebrows raised as you tell friends and family about your decision to file for divorce.
Do people see the bright side of divorce?
Even in this day and age, people don’t see the bright side of divorce. That’s why they
would shy away from the subject instead of backing you up and offering support.
Is it possible for my family to not support my decision to divorce?
It’s quite possible that your family does not support your decision to file for divorce.
They would think that you are on the verge of making a terrible mistake and that you should go for counseling. They might even ask you if you’ll remain friends with your ex. Instead of unconditional support, they make you doubt your decision.
Is family support important for my divorce?
Your family support is very important for your divorce because they are the ones you can fall back on for moral, emotional and financial support. You will need every bit of support during your diovrce no matter how small. It’s vital that you also know how to ask for support.
What to do if your family doesn’t support your divorce?
Try creating a family among people close to you if your family doesn’t support your divorce. You should accept the fact that they don’t understand your situation, and start believing in your own power. You can also join a support group.
How do I tell my family that my divorce was the right choice?
Don’t just tell your family that your divorce was the right choice, show it to them by living a positive life. Focus on how best to move forward with your life instead of wasting time on justifying it. If you are successful, your family will know that you made the right decision.
This is from a reader, MIKE:
Extended family issues with divorce can be an absolute nightmare! I’ve always said you never truly know someone until you divorce them. Luckily my (ex) wife didn’t want much of anything. But, going against my adamant attorney’s
advice I gave her everything. I HUGE sum of money. Thank gawd she didn’t go after my retirement which she was entitled to half of by law. But, extended family? Oh wow, did the claws come out to bare on her side. My family stayed
100% completely out of it. They never wanted me to marry her in the first place but I would not listen. Yet, they are so laid back and just were there when the pieces fell apart to support me. I still give this advice as old as it may be – don’t
pass judgment on someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. I’m fiercely loyal as a person and that includes my friends. But, I’m also wise enough through life experience to know there are two sides to every story. So, I also tell folks
on the outside looking in, “You will never know the entire truth unless you lived behind the closed doors of the two individuals involved.” LOVED this post, Lisa! J
Thanks for your input Mike. Sounds like a tough situation but I’m happy your family was there for you. I totally agree on the ‘don’t judge until you’ve walked in those shoes”. It’s too easy for us to look at someone else’s life and question it but until you’re in that situation, who knows?
When I was at the start of divorce, my parents (who had been married 50 yrs through thick and thin) strongly disagreed with each other about whether divorce was the right action for me to take.This caused me a lot of extra stress. No matter what I did during that time, either my mom or my dad was very disappointed.
I’m sorry to hear that Nancy. I have heard from other divorced women and men how heartbreaking it is for them when their own family (including parents) think less of them or blame them for the divorce. I hope your relationship with your folks is much improved 🙂
I am currently going through a divorce and thought if there was anyone in the world that I could count on it would be my family. I don’t think they agree with my decision, and their lack of support is like a knife in my heart. My soon to be ex was just at our Easter dinner and had a grand time while I ate and quickly went outside to play with the littles in our family. When I left he was still there having a grand time. I guess you really truly never know what support you have until you are in that situation where you need support the most.
Hi Lori, It’s so true that we don’t know who will pull through for us until the time comes. It will take some adjustments on your part to understand you may not get what you need within your family. Finding support elsewhere is a first step. A big part of the healing is learning to let expectations go. Best to you!!
I didn’t decide to end my marriage – my ex walked out. But he had already abandoned me and our son emotionally, physically and then financially. My family say we split up because we weren’t ‘compatible . It hurts a lot that they don’t see what I went through and think we are equally to blame for the divorce. But as you say I have friends who have been there and I would have been lost without them.
I am sorry to all of those who do not receive support from their family. It inflicts a great pain indeed.
The leaver may find that the beautiful side of divorce, the freedom of an odyssey of self-discovery, will do more for them than some of the people in their lives. If the leaver can draw from this strength, and model forgiveness and kindness to those who fail to be there for the leaver, that may eventually bring them around.
Of course, they may not always come around.
I think the reason some family members do not see the beautiful side of divorce is that they interpret the leaver’s decision to divorce as the leaver refusing to support the leaver’s nuclear family. That may indeed be wrong. And that’s their worldview. So they feel that they are justified to copy what the leaver does.
They may not be denying the right of the leaver to divorce, but given their worldview, they may think the leaver should not expect other people to honor the concept of unconditional familial love, since by deciding to divorce the leaver is withdrawing unconditional love from their own spouse and children.
My own STBXH grew very upset with a couple ho pulled away from him after he had them meet his affair partner. They were his best friends, and he was very shocked and disappointed in what he felt was their betrayal. (I had nothing to do with their decision, and they have likewise pulled away from me.)
I think what my STBXH expects is reasonable, but won’t always happen because people are not strong enough to give what the occasion calls for. That couple had almost divorced, and my husband’s decision probably triggered their vulnerability. Also, the husband had a parent who went through a midlife divorce and he never spoke to the parent again, blaming the person for abandoning the family.
I feel everyone has a compelling reason for acting as they did. My husband is in so much pain from the separation and so eager to have his affair partner be accepted as his new prospective wife by his community, that he is in need of support. Unfortunately, rather than seeing the beauty in what my husband wants, those friends saw danger and heartbreak.
From that couple’s point of view, my husband has left the people closest to him. They may question his loyalty to people he isn’t as close to. They certainly fear that if they were to unconditionally accept his decision, that they would start to ask themselves why they should accept their own flawed marriage. Since all marriages are flawed, as we are all each of us flawed. Not because we are not good, but because we are human.
So I guess my final thought is that, just as the divorcee is in pain, the extended family they look to for support may also in pain and may not be able to come through. Their pain may not be as pressing as the divorcee’s. However, they may also ask the divorcee to walk a mile in their shoes, so the divorcee can understand why they are not able to unconditionally support the decision to divorce.
I may be wrong, but I would like to think that the divorcee can be the stronger person in this, and to share the beauty they feel with those who disagree with them. After all, the leaver has hope and liberty on their side; they are sustained by a beautiful future. The spouse and children who did not share in the decision don’t have those gifts. The gift of that beauty would help their healing and move the divorce forward.
I have to disagree. Support is not offered because people feel strongly about their moral beliefs and ethics. It isn’t fear that keeps people from supporting someone who cheats on their spouse or causes their family immeasurable pain. It’s a lack of desire to align themselves with someone who could behave in such a manner. That isn’t weakness, that is strength of character. People don’t support the “beautiful side of divorce,” because, in spite of what the leaver has told themselves to justify their behavior, people have boundaries, they draw lines and they don’t accept people who behave badly into their inner circle.
Actually, as the author of this article, I must chime in. I feel the message of the article is getting lost.
This is not about why family doesn’t support a divorcee (if the divorce was her idea) but what to do if that is the case.
I don’t consider unsupportive family who disagree with your divorce as showing strength of character either.
It is not anyone’s place to judge your decision to end your marriage and further withdraw support from you. Eek that is awful.
Family should truly try to support one another even if they do something you don’t understand. In small ways it is easy to lend a hand, share a burden. It is not our place to set boundaries against a family member because we disagree with what they’ve decided to do. Just wanted to clear up that confusion.
If our family doesn’t support nor accept our decision to divorce regardless of our circumstances, then we must find support elsewhere. It is not the divorcee’s job to show unsupportive people the beautiful side of divorce. Obviously, people will see that when the divorcee’s lives a fulfilling life.
Thanks everyone for sharing and DM editor for replying.