“The sins of the father are to be laid upon the children.” – William Shakespeare
“If he doesn’t give me back my power board, I’m going to stop going to school,” Luca told me, lying face down on his makeshift bed, the air mattress that is now the centerpiece of our living room.
He and Prince are in a power struggle over the motorized skateboard Luca bought in part with money my relatives and I had given him for Christmas. Prince didn’t approve of the power board and confiscated it. At least that’s his story. Prince really confiscated it because he’s sadistic and is trying to punish Luca for not shining the right light on him.
“Where do you think that’s going to get you? If you stop going to school, he’ll send you to residential.”
Luca and I sat at the dining room table, eating tacos.
“I don’t care!” he yelled, his voice hoarse with fatigue and exasperation. “He’s going to send me away anyway! I might as well have fun in the time I’ve got left.”
Luca and I have been having various permutations of this conversation for the past few days. I have entreated him to look at the long view: in a year-and-a-half, he will be a legal adult and Prince won’t be able to confiscate his belongings, at least theoretically. I have suggested he save up money from birthday and Christmas gifts to buy another power board. I have told him that, while the power board is the most important thing in the world to him now, it won’t be next year or even next month. I have begged him not to screw up his life over a replaceable object.
“I want my power board. It’s not fair. I bought it with my money.”
“I know you want it,” I said. “And it’s not fair. I get it. But the more you let him know you want it, the more he’s going to dig in his heels and keep it from you. You have to empower yourself. Take it off the table. Pretend you don’t want it. ”
Luca looked at me like I was the densest person on the planet.
“But I DO want it!”
I sighed. Sixteen-year-olds are incapable of thinking beyond what they want at the moment. And Luca is incapable, right now, of understanding that the power board is not really what he wants. It’s a symbol of freedom, of autonomy, of individuation.
Everything that a narcissist father does not want his son to have.
I watched Luca pick at his taco. I saw the slump of his shoulders, listened to the despondent sigh, felt the thick fog of hopelessness roll in and settle down around him.
I remembered what it was like, living with a narcissist. Fighting for crumbs. Swallowing anger on a daily basis. Sinking into depression because I had no control over my life.
The only way to wrest control from a narcissist is not to need anything from him. Today it’s a powerboard, tomorrow it’s a car, in ten years, it’s a downpayment on a house. I have told Luca that he should not depend on his dad to get him any of these things, that it is better to forego them than to slog through life with a yoke around his neck.
But his eyes glazed over when I told him this. He’s been saturated with lectures. All that exists for him is this powerboard.
“Well,” I said, “I think it’s a mistake to risk being sent to residential because of a power board, but it’s your journey.”
Luca stood up and took his plate into the kitchen.
“Mom, I told you. It doesn’t matter what I do. He’s going to send me away.”
He rinsed his plate, then put it in the dishwasher. I felt the rage rise up in me, the helplessness I feel from not being able to extricate my son from his father’s sadism by gaining child custody of him. And then I employed the survival techniques I have honed in the eleven oh-so-illuminating years I’ve been divorced from a narcissist.
I observed my thoughts and sensations, let them move past me as if on an assembly line. I set my intention, a silent meditation, a kind of prayer, that Luca learns to focus on what he can control in order to wrest himself from his father’s grasp. And then I tried to detach from the outcome.
Which is what all parents have to do if they want their kids to grow up.
Pauline – I so understand what you’re going through. I’ve said to my husband a few times that the thing that worries me the most is at some point, the children are going to figure out their dad. And it really hurts to realize that your dad is more focussed on hurting your mom or on being in control than he is on loving you. I would do almost anything to ensure my children didn’t have to go through that. Cause it sucks. It sucks to have to learn how to manipulate your parent – because they have no ability to live any other way. Relationships for them become a cycle of control and manipulation. Until you can get out.
Good luck. I’m not religious – but I’m praying for you.
~ Liv
Thanks, Liv — yes, I hope the is gathering the personal resources now to be independent, which is the only way he’ll ever get out of that crazy cycle.
As I continue to attempt to co-parent with my narcisstistic, controlling ex-husband seven years after our high-conflict divorce, I take a deep breath in and then exhale with a sigh because it’s still a long road ahead. Often times one of our three kids will try to appeal to his good nature- only to get a cold dash of reality splashed in their face as he yet again pours ice water over their plans and goals.
Yes, you need to disabuse them of that notion! It only works when someone HAS a good nature.
Really appreciated Liv’s comments, very insightful to me, & helps me understand possible origins for the crazy-making behavior that you, & so many who read your blog, observe. It scares me to think that children are almost doomed to fall into this pattern of behavior, because it is what they learn to do, in order to survive. You are completely correct, the best way for luca to cope is to walk away from whatever prince does not want him to have. Once he walks away from that power board & shows that it does not matter to him, it will no longer have interest to prince. I hope luca can see the situation for the power struggle that it is. As always, thank you for sharing your experiences, I find them thought provoking & insightful. I had an a-ha moment this weekend, as I finished reading Gone Girl, when I read one of the last lines in the book, when nick tells Amy he feels sorry for her, because every morning she has to wake up and be her. We all have to wake up each morning and be who we are, and I don’t want to be a mean, nasty, petty, revengeful person. So maybe suggest to Luca that he think about who he wants to be, and not what he wants his father to be, because he has no control over prince – but luca can choose to be who he wants to be. All the best to you, luca, & franny in this stressful time.
Hi M — I LOVE that line from Gone Girl. I must remind myself when I wake up at 4 a.m. in a panic. At least I don’t have to wake up and be Prince.
So let me start by thanking you for ruining my night (I gotta work in the morning, and I just finished reading every blog entry!
Thanks to the amazing Susanna who shared a line from the post you wrote about 8 hours ago, i found myself intrigued, and I moseyed on over to to read the full entry. Like any good obsessive who believes she’s found I kindred spirit, I read STRAIGHT through.
Although not a yet divorcee – I’m only separated from my very own narcissist (and I’m still coming to terms) – your stories and strength and courage compelled and inspired me.
Thank you for my ruination. You’ve a new fan.
Hello Whitney Houston! I’m so sorry to hear about your road ahead. At least you have Susanna, and now me and DivorcedMoms, and hopefully can benefit from our gallows humor! xo
Three.five years ago my very acrimonious divorce became final from the narcissist that fathered my 3 daughters. Whereas I don’t regret marrying OR divorcing him, I regret the pointless years I let him have and the decade it took to start the annihilation of our union. My girls suffered horribly by the hand of this man who, realizing he could no longer control me with money, turned to the last remaining “things” that mattered to me…my kids. Begging him to parent my older two girls who had permanently gravitated to his house of no rules or supervision (but lots of cash), I helplessly watched my oldest daughter hit the skids at 17. A wilderness program and subsequent therapeutic boarding school not only took her away from all her destruction, it gave her the opportunity to view her situation (and father) from a different angle. I’m happy to say, although she may not be issue free, she is a solid, contributing adult and we now have a loving relationship, but it was ALOT of work. And because I was able to remove my middle child from his house, I/she couldn’t be happier with her achievements at boarding school. My youngest daughter, having witnessed the sins of her father, refuses to live with him, although they do have a relationship. I might also add here that the father, who values himself by his financial statement, bore no responsibility, moral or financial for the destructive behavior of my kids. He either refused to pay for any treatment or paid me on the courthouse steps. I say get out, ladies just as soon as the narcissists rears his ugly head. Do it for your kids. Do it when they are young (and you are, too!). That will ultimately be the best decision for them but just as important, for Mom, too.
Leigh Anne, it sounds like wilderness and boarding school had the same positive effect on your daughter as it did for my son — primarily that it gave them an opportunity to get a balanced perspective. I’m glad you all have come out of this ordeal in one piece. It’s amazing how much damage a rich narcissist can do.
Beautifully written. Perfectly said to your son. My heart is with you. Your kind heart, generous mothering, and centered nature ring through every word. Virtual hug…- Margaret
Wow, this really struck a chord with me. Thank you for writing this! I don’t have the exact situation but I do have 2 sons with a violent narcissist. I was court ordered to allow unsupervised visitation last year and have been fighting it ever since. My older son (12) is now acting out like his father. He has turned to bullying and using people. I am trying to show him this is not the way but it even goes so far that him and his father make fun of me by pointing and laughing at me. When my son has participated in one of these events I know he feels bad about it but then doesn’t know what to do about it either. He has told me he felt like his father only laughs and gives him attention if he acts this way. He is getting so emotionally abused. I am so sad for him and my younger son (11). My younger son will not participate in these type of actions. Therefore he is always left out or second best to my older son. In his fathers eyes he is also a wimp. It is causing a split even between brothers. I know I am allowing my sons to be abused and I cannot legally protect them. I feel so helpless and powerless on protecting them. I am glad I found this blog and I am sorry for all of you that are going through this too 🙁
My heart goes out to Luca (and you)! I have four children eorking through these things as well. Needing things from a narcissistic parent leaves you in a really weak position, as they will wield their “needs” like a weapon. When my 18 was 15, she stopped associating with her father. He cut her off in every way he legally could. To her, it was so worth it. She’s feels so much more peace and even safety. She was no longer willing to be around the manipulations and nastiness. I have three more children that will need to find their way through all of this! Whew!
Yeah, it’s only the men that are sociopathic or narcissistic. Sigh!
Wow is all I can say. I am currently going through a divorce from a narcissist. I’m hurting so bad. My husband is in tricking the kids with the money too. The kids beg me to help them with him. They ask we to intervene. They receive 2 hour lectures where he humiliates them. Yet they consider staying with him to have the lifestyle. I’m done being talked to like trash. Being told I’m not normal. Being controlled and put down. Being told he wouldn’t have to yell at all of us if we would all just do what he wants. Being told he wouldn’t have to have an affair if I would just give him more attention. On and on and on. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’ve cried. I’ve been angry. I’ve thought it’s not worth all this. I’ve been strong. I’ve been weak. I’ve stood up for myself. I’ve been scared to death. I’m going through the motions. I’m glad to see other people have survived. I don’t know how I will start over with nothing. He is trying to take everything after 20 years.
Im teetering on divorce from a narccisit after 22 years of marrige. I am a smart and educated woman who was the subtle target of my marriage but not enough to ever make me think I would be divorced. My husband loved me or at least he wanted me as his posession enough that he did what he needed to keep me. it wasnt until my oldedst began driving and was more independent, that my husband began the to use the kids against me. It has been a year and a half of outright assaults and attempts to alienate me from my kids. I finally left to my home town to get away from the abuse and to get some help. It was there that I learned I was the subject of abuse and that my observations were accurate. I was beginning to think I was crazy but now I know that he is the crazy one. He has bought the kids off by allowing them to spend with no limit while questioning every cent I spend. He has continued to tell the kids I am bullying them when I simply try to provide rules to keep them safe. I bit the bullet and decided to come home to face the kids that were out of control and who treated me as a stranger who was trying to take the place of their mother, a mother that for all intents and purposes had died bc my husband had made them beleive I was not the mother they remembered. I asked my husband to leave the home and he did so willingly, telling me the kids would never welcome me. And at first they did not, but I didnt give up. I stayed focued and and calm and I countered every lie they had been told. It took 4 days . . . just 4 days for me to get my kids back. It was 2 weeks and my middle son told me that he was the happiest he had been in 1.5 years and it was all becasue of me! We had 9 beautiful weeks and then I went back to my home town for two weeks, one of which was with my kids. When I returned to the house, my husband refused to leave again. And now my life is hell. He talks over me, ignores me, discredits me . . . anyhting he can do to make me feel small. I retreat to my room so the children do not go through this and so they can have some time with their father. Im now at a crossroads — I have 3 children in college in my hometown and one who just started high school in the town we live in. Im trying to stay in both places to keep this home of ours and, becasue I dont want my husband to have partial custody of my remaining child, my daughter I need to stay married . . . or so Ive been telling myself. So I wait. But while I wait I feel that I am giving my children the impression that I must agree with my husbands comments and treatment — if I didnt then why in the world would I still be here. Ive read all of the books, been in therapy, pray but now I need a group of people who have been at every stage of this process. Im so glad I found you and this site!
It’s hard to even admit that I have always had a narcissist in my life & there’s no end : bookended from birth to death. Had a florid, malignant narcissistic mother, ex husband, ex boyfriend, brother & daughter. I learned at great expense & time too late what it was & what could be done about it. When looking for a partner, I was wearing a bullseye on my back, those without empathy are in need of someone else’s. At this stage, I’m happy to report that boundaries are firmly in place, if it is better late than never.
Wow, this is an amazing article. It’s years now since you wrote it and I wonder how you all are faring. I’ve been separated from my ex for six years–where I live, you have to get some kind of agreement even to get a separation order. So nothing is signed, collaboration has fallen through, and I’m on my sixth lawyer. And my ex is keeping things from the kids that they need because he knows it will hurt me.
I worry about the state of my kids’ mental health because of the gaslighting. I worry that they will only be able to hold onto two realities for so long before their brains just crack. I look forward to reading the rest of what you have written and I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Your technique of acting as if you don’t want anything from the narcissist is a good one, though.
I sincerely hope your family is in a different place now and that you are happy. And that your kids have taken up the mantle of their own healing. xx