I never hear Bruce Springsteen’s “Hungry Heart” that I don’t think of the way my marriage ended. I have my own version, with one word changed…
“Got a wife and kids in Baltimore, Jack I went out for a coke and I never went back Like a river that don’t know where it’s flowing I took a wrong turn and I just kept going”
I didn’t want a divorce; I wanted my marriage to work no matter what the cost. Or, so I thought at the time.
I invested years trying to keep the marriage humming along. In the end, I discovered that it takes two people who are willing to invest energy and effort. According to my former husband, “it just wasn’t worth his energy or effort.”
I think I’d still be married if I hadn’t one day sent him a loud and clear message that it was time for him to start participating in the relationship. It was time for me to start getting a return on my investment. As it turns out I had been investing in “Castles in the Sky” as they say on Wall Street. There were to be no future increases in the price of a stock (my marriage) that was EXTREMELY overvalued.
He took in my message; it was received, processed and immediately rejected. He looked at me, picked up his car keys and said, “I’m going for a Coke.” That was it. The end. He went out for a Coke and never came back. The man took a wrong turn and just kept going.
That is when I started the “what if” thinking and second-guessing of myself and the marriage. I wanted to do my marriage over again, yet do it better the next time around. I wanted the chance to do it differently. I wasted a lot of time looking back wishing I could change the past instead of looking at what might come next.
One day out of the blue, I realized I had to be honest with myself. I didn’t have any control over whether or not my marriage was over, but I could do things differently regardless of whether there was a marriage or not. I had to start with what I had control over, like how I chose to live my life and take each day and make the most of it.
Here’s how I survived my unwanted divorce, maybe these ideas can help you:
● I learned to approach each day as a new day. I no longer wanted to spend a day angry over what had happened in the past or beating myself up for screwing up. If I was lucky, it would be a day in which progress in my healing would take place.
● I learned to let go of my anger at my former husband. Hey, I had mistaken defective for exotic. It wasn’t his fault that I hadn’t paid more attention before attaching myself to him. He is who he is; my anger wasn’t going to change that and it wasn’t going to take me where I wanted to go, so the anger had to go.
● I tried not to allow expectations to get in the way of my happiness. I might not always get what I want or think I should have. That doesn’t mean there isn’t something out there just as good, if not better than what I thought I wanted.
● Rational thinking isn’t so easily applied when you’re dealing with the irrational! I didn’t want to waste any more time trying to figure out, manage or predict what was going to happen. Let’s face it, divorce is an irrational process and you need to keep your wits about you.
● I realized that men are different! This is a big one. Men aren’t like women and if you wait around for them to “get a clue,” you’re in for a long wait. This revelation, coupled with lowering my expectations, enabled me to develop a deeper appreciation for what some men have to offer. I’ve even found a few out there who made me glad my former husband went out for a coke and never came back.
Hi Cathy, I love the Springsteen song and think many of us know someone who did that or wanted to. Your statement about forgiveness is poignant and strikes a chord with me. “He is who he is; my anger wasn’t going to change that.” I need to think more that way. Thanks for the inspiration.
My husband of 34 years also walked out of our marriage only 18 months ago, without a clue to me that he wasn’t happy, and nothing was ever said. The trauma and pain it caused me, crying in my bath towels, losing weight because I couldn’t even chock down any food, was the most brutal thing anyone could do to another human being, especially someone you thought loved you. It felt like I was kicked in the stomach, hit over the head with a brick, devastated, lost, scared and the floor had just given way beneath me.
It was only after doing some research on the subject of husband’s leaving suddenly, that I found a life-saving book called, “Runaway Husbands” by Dr. Vicki Stark, whose own husband left their 21 year marriage suddenly for a much younger woman. Dr. Stark began reseaching this phenomenom of wife abandonment, and interviewed over 400 women for her book, with women who had been “blind-sided” like myself, and couldn’t fathom the audacity of someone’s total lack of emapthy, compassion, respect, love, and titled this event Sudden Wife Abandonment Syndrom or SWAS. Her spot on analysis feels like “amputation without anesthesia” and takes many times years to recover from. My reading this book helped me to see that I was not to blame, but it was ‘him and his issues” that he left.
I was a military wife for over 20 years, among his other careers over the years and feel this helped me survive too. Since he was gone most of the time, out to sea, I was able to cope better than many other women, whose husband’s left suddenly. Yes, my life was thrown a curve-ball, but calling friends, family, social media, and even writing a journal and memoir about this event helped me cope, vent, cry, grieve, and see the “aha” moments of my life that I never noticed before, when married to him. When you are in a long-term marriage like I was, moving around due to his careers; east coast to west coast, and back, unpacking, getting your children into schools, meeting the new neighbors, etc, you don’t notice what’s in front of you, and has been there all your married life. You are too busy with your family, and you were the glue that held the family together too.
It is only now, after months of my husband leaving me that I truly know who I am again. I married him at 23 years old, and gave up too much of myself for him, and his careers, aspirations and goals. Vowing never to do this again, has been most healing for me. No one deserved to be hurt like this. At 57 years old, I am angry and regret many aspects of my life with him, but you cannot change him, cannot change events, but can only move forward to a happier life without him. Although he has only been gone a relatively short period of time, and I haven’t yet thrown out all the hurt from this traumatic event, one day I might thank my husband for leaving me…. and giving me back my life:-)
My ex somewhat did the same…..moved out while I was at work. NO CLUE it was going to happen, and was shocked to say the least. Granted, I hadn’t been in love in a long time, and stayed for all the stupid reasons you shouldn’t stay for, but I NEVER would have left like that with no warning. Glad to know after 17 years I wasn’t worth a conversation.