I had a former spouse who used to quote a scripture from the Bible to me – all the time! Now mind you, she did not quote it word for word, but she was able to quote enough of it to make her point VERY clear.
The passage goes like this… Matthew 5:27, 28
27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
I bet you can guess what behavior; she was accusing me of, that’s right, looking at women.
She used to say to me repeatedly, over and over, like a broken record from the 1st year we were married that I was looking at this woman or that woman and then she would say I had committed adultery.
I can still hear her say over and over again that I had looked at a particular woman lustfully, undressed her with my eyes and envisioned making love to her. I never knew who she was talking about.
I would question her every single time, which woman are you referring to?
It didn’t matter; there was absolutely no defense for me. She believed that what she said was the absolute truth.
I would often find myself saying to her, just because you said it (in this case that I was looking at a woman), does not make it true. I would also find myself saying, just because you said it and you perceive it and believe it to be true, does not make it true. I would then continue to say, what is true for you is not necessarily true for me and you have the right to hold your own truth and I have the right to hold my own truth, your truth is not my truth. I am entitled to my own truth and you do not have the right or the authority to dictate what is my truth.
I own my own TRUTH!
It did not matter, not even once. My former spouse was judge and jury and she believed that what she said she observed, was the truth and I was to be punished and held liable for my offense against her.
Can you imagine living in a situation like this? Where you are accused of a behavior, an act, a thought, a belief that you know is not true, but the other person professes that they know the truth and you are just a LIAR.
My former spouse said she would never trust a single word that came out of my mouth. She said countless times that I was nothing more than a big fat liar. I am neither big or fat and I am certainly not a liar.
She also indicated she could not and would never trust me.
She believed in her mind that she knew the truth of everything that she was pure as the driven snow, that she could not and was not capable of telling untruths, exaggerating, fabricating, and lying because she was such a wonderful, loving Christian woman. I was the despicable, lying, jerk who was not to be trusted, believed or respected. My former spouse is as much a loving Christian woman as I am a bush pilot in the jungles of the Amazon.
Now I know what she was saying was not true, that her accusations were false, that in fact, what she was alleging was her projecting her own issues upon me, but that did not make her any easier to live with.
I knew my truth and I knew that what she was saying was indeed false, wrong, inaccurate and destructive.
No amount of counseling helped us because in each of the counseling sessions, she was hell bent on trying to persuade the counselor that I was a dead beat, not to be believed, jerk, whom she could not trust or believe, that I was a liar, a womanizer, an adulterer, a sack of crap and she was as pure as the driven snow.
I put up with this for nearly 14 years, it never got better; I don’t know if it would have ever gotten better.
Living with a spouse who accuses you of behaviors or things you know you have not done, but they have decided you have, is painful and difficult.
In my case, these accusations stopped only when we separated and finally divorced, in our case that was the solution. After nearly 15 years of marriage, 10 years of counseling, the solution my former spouse found that ended her nightmare with me was divorce.
Thank goodness!
I don’t recommend divorce for everyone, but for me, this was a blessing.
I own my own truth; no longer can my former spouse dictate my truth. I knew my truth all along and thought by going along we could get along, not true!
I was abused mentally and physically, all that stopped when I got divorced.
If you are living with a person who believes the know what is going on in your head, who seems to believe they own not only their truth but your truth as well, who accuses you of behavior or actions you know are not true, who acts like judge and jury and who metes out punishment, verbal or otherwise, know that you are not alone and there is help. Know that you are not crazy, know and do not believe that what you are being told holds no value and that you are valuable and what you know is true, is your truth and THAT IS ALL THAT IS IMPORTANT.
Do not let this person continue to bully you, accuse you, threaten you, beat you down, distrust you, make you out to be a liar, intimidate you, punish you, physically hurt or verbally abuse you.
It is time to stand up to the bully, your time is now. Don’t take it any longer.
Announce that you will no longer put up with the accusations, bullying, threats, punishment and mean it and let the chips fall where they may!
You are no one’s punching bag!
There are all kinds of support groups throughout your community. Please do not let the destruction of who you are continue – you deserve better. I hope you find the strength to move beyond captivity. Remember you are loved and supported by those who know and love you.
Bill – something I read after my divorce comforted me – going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
My ex used to point to my lack of interest in going to church as proof that I was not a good Christian and therefore deficient in some way. He still does. And yet, in all the time we were married, even though he had the opportunity to go without me, he never did. And since we were divorced, he only my children to church about 3 times a year And I suspect those are the only days he attends.
The bible teaches us to love our neighbours and turn the other cheek. Marriage should be honoured by all. Like you, I was married to someone who never practiced what they preached. And despite the fact that it’s been suggested that divorce is a sin, I don’t think that “god”, if there is such a thing, would ever expect us to live and be miserable. glad to hear that you figured it out too.
~ Liv
Bill great article. I’m glad after so many years you have the freedom to follow your own truths.
I think one of the ways that people can also help themselves is to recognize who is holding the problem. Your former wife’s lack of trust and need to have you in the role as “bad guy was her “stuff”. Sure you can try to help, but after a while you tend to notice when all the evidence to the contrary and all the reassurance you can give don’t have any appreciable affect.
When that happens the only thing you can do to keep your sanity is give the problem back. It can be done with kindness and compassion, but it should be firm and final. “This is yours- I willing to help, but the problem is your challenge, not mine”.
Kristin