Honest people are easy marks for smooth-talking narcissists and master manipulators. Yet that’s only part of the reason they pull off their shell games. The other reason is that they have honed their machiavellian skills into an art form.
Two weeks ago, my machiavellian ex bamboozled me into signing an enrollment agreement for my daughter’s new private school, making me liable for half of the $33,000 tuition. He did this despite the fact that he had not signed the stipulation I sent him requiring him to cover all the tuition, which I can’t afford. He did this despite the fact that I had told him I would not be signing any enrollment agreement before we had finalized our legal agreement. He did this despite the fact that I didn’t even read the enrollment papers. He got me to do something I had sworn I would not do, which put me at the brink of financial disaster.
When I posted a story about this latest bamboozlement on Facebook, explaining that I signed the enrollment because Prince assured me it was just an agreement to hold Franny’s spot in the new school, one person asked the obvious question I’ve been asking myself since:
Why did you trust a master manipulator?
My relationship with Prince has been a series of cons, starting from the prenup that materialized after the wedding invitations had gone out. His lies are woven so seamlessly and so unflinchingly into every conversation that I never know what’s the truth. Part of the reason I continue to fall for his shenanigans is that I live by the golden rule: not only is my mind not configured to lie, but I also have personal ethics. I can’t fathom manipulating people into doing things that would hurt them. In the eyes of my ex, this makes me a dope, worthy of being exploited and picked off, like an unsuspecting gazelle grazing upon the savannah.
Honest people are easy marks for smooth-talking narcissists. Yet that’s only part of the reason they pull off their shell games. The other reason is that they have honed their machiavellian skills into an art form.
I’ve spent the last two weeks since I fell for my ex’s latest divorce stunt deconstructing his hat tricks. And I think I’ve figured out the techniques he uses to snooker me every time. Below are the top five.
5 Techniques Of A Master Manipulator
1. Creating Urgency
Manipulators are masters at manufacturing urgency. They do this through stall tactics that are often preposterous. Some of the more outlandish ones my ex has used include: “My file cabinet is jammed and I can’t get the papers”; “I can’t read your e-mail, you will have to change your font”; “I’m going out of town” — always somewhere off the grid, like Siberia Adjacent — and won’t have access to e-mail, cell phone, fax, or messenger. After the umpteenth stall, there truly is urgency to close the deal.
2. Fast Talk
Manipulators are verbal Ninjas. They chatter away, sometimes calmly, sometimes histrionically, but always with utter conviction. They deflect your every question and statement by assuring you they’re telling the truth (“You’re paranoid!”); you’re imagining things (“I never said there wouldn’t be a prenup!”); you don’t remember (“I told you there would be a prenup!”); it’s no big deal; it is a big deal and if you don’t say yes RIGHT NOW the world will blow up. They bombard you with wordplay until your head is spinning like a lazy susan and you’re so exhausted that you doubt your own reality.
3. Creating Diversions aka Look Over There!
Manipulators are like magicians; they get you looking over there so you don’t notice what’s going on over here. After Prince created urgency (“This has to be signed before I go out of town!”) and used Fast Talk (“If you don’t sign this she’ll lose her spot!”), he choreographed a distraction. While I stood in his driveway, he had Franny come out of the house and flutter around my car with excitement (“I love the uniforms!”), while he chattered away, telling me to initial here, here, here, and oops, you missed a page, sign here. When I got home, he e-mailed me a video of Franny riding her bike down the sun-dappled street, creating the perception that we were an amicably divorced couple sharing a proud, co-parenting moment. All of this was just smoke to keep me from noticing that I was signing an enrollment agreement that made me liable for half of Franny’s tuition.
4. Emotional Manipulation
Manipulators get you to do what they want by hooking you emotionally. Guilt trips and triangulating children are tricks that deliver. Why are you single-handedly jeopardizing your child’s future success? How can you be so unreasonable? So irresponsible? So selfish? The morning of the fated Enrollment Finagling, Franny called me, her sweet little voice quavering, “Mom? Can I go?” I could hear Prince’s voice murmuring in the background, like Angela Lansbury in The Manchurian Candidate.
What was I to do? If I said the truth — I don’t know — I would be the dream-dashing parent, a thought that, to my people-pleasing, I’m-responsible-for-everyone’s-happiness mind, was intolerable. So I chose to believe that, this time, Prince was telling the truth. And I drove off to his house to sign the agreement.
5. Threats
Manipulators love to ratchet up your blood pressure with threats: If you don’t sign the enrollment agreement, I’ll go into court on an ex parte! If you don’t do x,y, or z, I’ll file a motion to yadayadayada! You don’t know if they’re just trying to yank your chain or if they intend to follow through. The uncertainty creates a climate of fear. You become hypervigilant or frozen. You anticipate and walk on egg shells. For the manipulator, the fun lies in the harassment. They issue a steady stream of threats to wear you down emotionally, thus making it more likely that you’ll cave. The problem is, they care more about torturing you than getting what they profess to want. So the more you cave, the more they’ll threaten. They’re not happy unless you’re unhappy. They won’t stop until you’re adequately punished, which is never.
Prince’s lawyer and I have been negotiating the terms of the enrollment agreement. I have been told that Prince will pay for everything except lunches and bus fare. I’ll believe it when I have a signed stipulation in my hand. I’ve told the attorney that if that doesn’t happen in the next week, I’ll be forced to break the school contract. Sometimes, the only way to get a manipulator to listen is to threaten back.
The manipulation will never stop, but I’m trying to understand the techniques so that I can avoid another debacle. Because the only way to survive a Master Manipulator is to be a Master Manipulator Avoider.
What techniques has your Master Manipulator used on you?
FAQs about men who are Master Manipulators:
Are honest people easy targets for narcissists?
Honest people are easy targets for narcissists because they are unaware of either the art of deception or manipulation. It’s hard to not fall for a narcissist when he is knitting his web of deception around an unsuspecting victim with his charm.
Why does my ex always make excuses?
Narcissistic men use excuses as tools to either gain from or wriggle out of a situation. Their excuses at times will leave you unnerved and shocked. For example, he would tell you that he wasn’t able to reply to your email because he could not read the font or because he was out of town. You will wonder if the town was actually cut off from civilization.
Why does my ex use children to prove a point?
Your ex is a master manipulator and will use children to either prove a point or make you do what he wants you to do. His manipulation tactics include triangulating children in such a way that you feel guilty about the whole episode. You will be blamed for putting your children’s future at stake, being unreasonable, selfish and irresponsible.
Why does my ex threaten me with consequences?
Your ex threatens you with consequences in order to push your blood pressure up— and he loves it! If you don’t do this, I will take you to court, he keeps threatening you with such words. His objective is to create an atmosphere of fear so he could get what he wants, besides drawing some sickening satisfaction out of it. He will not stop harassing you unless you are either filled with fear or are unhappy.
How do I know if he is a manipulator?
Manipulators have perfected the art of creating urgency through words. You can witness them talking with an air of confidence—at times hurrying through a topic and sometimes pausing and making a point. They are like magicians, who would make you focus elsewhere even when the problem is too glaring to be ignored. They are experts at playing with your emotions and threatening you with doom if you don’t give in to their whims.
My manipulator isn’t quite as smart as yours is…but I’m glad you posted an update. I’ve been holding my breath since you posted on this topic last. Good luck Pauline – but I’m with you. Don’t count your chickens until you have the agreement in your hand with wet ink.
With all due respect, why would you want your daughter to attend a school that costs $33,00 a year in tuition. That’s an outrageous sum of money to spend, particularly on a child that would fare well in almost any academic environment. By agreeing to allow your child to attend this school, you are handing over control and power to your ex and are also “telling” your ex, and children for that matter, that money is what makes the world go round. Don’t do it!!
I’m a product of private school and come from a family of private school educators so I believe in them. I am an especially big fan of all-girls schools. The tuition, as astronomical as it I’d, is standard for schools where we live.
You’re also quite obviously the product of unearned privilege, yet no apparent financial accumend of your own, since this 33k tuition is well beyond your financial reach and that of your supposed ex-husband, Prince Nasser Hasim. I’m sure you fancy yourself the best educated batista at the Starbucks, but alas, your deep knowledge of Geopolitics and Hemingway is about as financially useless as your piss-poor latte making skills. Drop the pretensions without the wallet to back it up, because you’re a basic bitch after all.
You’re also quite obviously the product of unearned privilege, yet no apparent financial accumend of your own, since this 33k tuition is well beyond your financial reach and that of your supposed ex-husband, Prince Nasser Hasim. I’m sure you fancy yourself the best educated batista at the Starbucks, but alas, your deep knowledge of Geopolitics and Hemingway is about as financially useless as your piss-poor latte making skills. Drop the pretensions without the wallet to back it up, because you’re a basic bitch after all.
You’re also quite obviously the product of unearned privilege, yet no apparent financial accumend of your own, since this 33k tuition is well beyond your financial reach and that of your supposed ex-husband, Prince Nasser Hasim. I’m sure you fancy yourself the best educated batista at the Starbucks, but alas, your deep knowledge of Geopolitics and Hemingway is about as financially useless as your piss-poor latte making skills. Drop the pretensions without the wallet to back it up, because you’re a basic bitch after all.
You’re also quite obviously the product of unearned privilege, yet no apparent financial accumend of your own, since this 33k tuition is well beyond your financial reach and that of your supposed ex-husband, Prince Nasser Hasim. I’m sure you fancy yourself the best educated batista at the Starbucks, but alas, your deep knowledge of Geopolitics and Hemingway is about as financially useless as your piss-poor latte making skills. Drop the pretensions without the wallet to back it up, because you’re a basic bitch after all.
You’re also quite obviously the product of unearned privilege, yet no apparent financial accumen of your own, since this 33k tuition is well beyond your financial reach and that of your supposed ex-husband, Prince Nasser Hasim. I’m sure you fancy yourself the best educated batista at the Starbucks, but alas, your deep knowledge of Geopolitics and Hemingway is about as financially useless as your piss-poor latte making skills. Drop the pretensions without the wallet to back it up, because you’re a basic bitch after all.
You’re also quite obviously the product of unearned privilege, yet no apparent financial accumen of your own, since this 33k tuition is well beyond your financial reach and that of your supposed ex-husband, Prince Nasser Hasim. I’m sure you fancy yourself the best educated batista at the Starbucks, but alas, your deep knowledge of Geopolitics and Hemingway is about as financially useless as your piss-poor latte making skills. Drop the pretensions without the wallet to back it up, because you’re a basic bitch after all.
You’re also quite obviously the product of unearned privilege, yet no apparent financial accumen of your own, since this 33k tuition is well beyond your financial reach and that of your supposed ex-husband, Prince Nasser Hasim. I’m sure you fancy yourself the best educated batista at the Starbucks, but alas, your deep knowledge of Geopolitics and Hemingway is about as financially useless as your piss-poor latte making skills. Drop the pretensions without the wallet to back it up, because you’re a basic bitch after all.
I am curious. Does Franny need to go to this school in order to be more likely to be accepted to certain (Ivy League) colleges?
If you can work it out where you only pay bus fare and lunches, and prince pays everything else, then fine, but I just don’t think it would be that much of a hardship for Franny to go to a good public school.
I know it will not been seen that way by prince&co. but who cares what they think?
If Franny isn’t locked into a private school (geographically) you could maybe even move to a more affordable area, one with lower housing costs.
I really can’t move anywhere cheaper because I need to stay reasonably close to work. The public schools in this city are pretty bad. Also, this just in: they have agreed to my revisions! Stipulation in hand.
Makes sense.
I am glad you were able to work things out!
We spoke about this privately,Pauline, but I have definitely been the victim of some master manipulating..he has used gaslighting mainly, making me doubt myself and also leading everyone around me to believe what he wanted them to…
Unless you’ve been through it, it’s hard to understand how one person can make another person feel crazy. At least you know you’re not the only one on the receiving end of true craziness.
Yes- do what they want RIGHT AWAY or you’ll suffer their wrath! I remember during the divorce when my stbx was standing on my front porch telling me to sign our joint tax return right there on the spot or ELSE I’d suffer!
I refused and he threw a fit! He was so determined the get the ENTIRE joint refund all for himself, that I had to pay my attorney her hourly rate to make the judge give me my half of it at court.
How is it that we were married to the same man all those years?
He gets around.
Yes he does
Yes!!! Yes yes yes, THiS!! Thank you. I needed this a lot more than the smack in the head I keep trying… Once my ex tried to get me to quote him a price and agree to buy the family van from him on the spot. Turns out he wanted to keep my car to hide the fact that he shot it about a dozen times with a BB gun while we had swapped for a road trip. Didn’t fall for that one, but soooo many others… I hope giving him too much credit. Surely he wouldn’t mess with me if the kids needed their asthma medicine, right? Head smack. Said he would bring the meds, showed up demanding to take the kids instead. He called me for help with the kids while he has the stomach flu and now he will see how much easier cooperative co-parenting could be, right? Head smack. He sent a letter the next day accusing me of invasion of privacy and harrassment and threatening a restraining order. There has to be a portal somewhere to send them to the alternate universe they think they are living in. In the mean time – thanks for putting this in words I hadn’t come up with yet.
Under the wheels of a bus would be my preference — as i think pain is important — but a portal is a close second.
Great insights! I have experienced many of the same shenanigans. My ex refuses to respond to to imporatant messages in a timely manner. It is so difficult to co-parent with someone who is evasive and unwiling to communicate. He also accuses me of being difficult and demanding because I have expectations that our agreements will be followed. He basically does whatever he wants and then chides me for getting upset. I, like you, am trusting and expect other people to be considerate. I have been blindsided by the subterfuge and obvious disdain. I gave my ex my new bank account number when we first got divorced because he said it would be easier to just wire my child support into the account. He ended up setting up automatic payments out of my account for karate and school lunches. These were things he had been paying. When I went to the bank to copmplain, they said I would have to file a complaint and the police would be involved. I knew that would send him into attack mode, so I just closed the account and switched banks. My ex makes a high six-figure income. The amount he had withdrawn from my account monthly was around $600.00. Nothing to him, but sustantial to me. I still can’t fathom how he felt ok doing that to me.
Mine insisted on the automatic payment thing too!! So his payments would be “on time” — HA!! When of course he just wanted to be able to check how much money I had in there. Can’t believe I was that gullible.
Spot on!
I loved the inclusion that after the trick has worked, the Master Manipulator will send or tell you some loving and adorable snippet of the child’s life. To make you feel comfortable and give a false sense of security in your coparenting.
Wow! See! He’s such a good guy, just trying to help everyone! It’s a win-win (where only he wins)!
My ex husband is threatening me for more child support as well as payment that my health insurance does not cover for our daughter he manipulated into living with him & his FIFTH wife (who also holds a master’s degree). What he does not tell is how he is putting my daughter in danger with lack of supervision, not to mention extreme emotional abuse (Parental Alienation has been called “the worst form of child abuse”). Her incidents and medication stem from the “care” he provides, but of course he manipulates the system & gets away. Even though he owns three real estate companies and is 11 years my senior, I am paying him child support and I am the only one who pays for our daughter’s health insurance. He hides his income from the IRS. Still, he calls me a dead beat mom for not paying for health care copayments that he keeps me from knowing about until after the fact my daughter has been out of ER (two days later in a request for $$). He is court ordered to have me as part of the decision-making for her health care and anything else, but he does not comply and it is not enforced. He wants to ruin me financially so he can further put me down in the eyes of my daughter.
If it’s any small consolation, I must get at least one e-mail a week from women who are divorce from a version of your ex. These guys all belong in a padded cell in the Ritz Carlton. And I will NEVER understand the family court system that lets rich guys like this get away with being deadbeats.
I’ve never been married, nor have I ever had kids but someone I love is being hurt by the effects of parental alienation. Each time I read her story and the stories of so many other mothers, the anger, no rage, I feel for you all is an actual, tangible “thing” that takes on a life of its own. How can anyone be so warped?
I appreciate your honesty. It’s easy to get conned—I’ve watched it happen to psychologists time and again, and we all think they’re above this stuff due to their training. It doesn’t matter how smart or how educated you are when it comes down to it. We can all be conned, and that feels threatening. So we often look at those who honestly admit that they have been duped and say, “how could that person let that happen? Certainly I would never let that happen to me.” Which is just a way to feel safe. But which also results in victim blame—adding to the hurt of the victim while setting the con artist free.
My point in all this is that I really appreciate the risk you’re taking when you write honest posts about being manipulated. It’s brave, and it raises awareness.
Thanks for sharing. If you want to explore my contribution to this public conversation, you can find me at hgbeverly.com. I’m in round two of custody issues caused by my ex (he wants two of our three children entirely to himself), and it’s painful. So I look for understanding everywhere. Sounds like you understand.
Thanks again,
H.G.
So sorry to hear you’re going through that, HG. I’ll check out your site.
You are a gullible, feeble-minded assclown. And the article is all bullshit because nobody’s name is Prince except that clown faced singer from the 90’s who dances around in kabuki makeup and wore a leotard.
Indeed you was manipulated. Although as a parent, there should be no reason that you would not be willing to pay at least half of your child’s education. In all honesty if you cant personally afford a “private” school for your kids, then they should go to a regular public school like almost all other kids. Although the curriculum may not be quite as good, your kids will be taught what they need, and it is your job to make sure they know the rest. So, no more complaining about being tricked into doing something you should have already been doing. Oh, and one more thing. It isn’t bravery that was behind this post. It was the need to complain, and make someone else look bad because you didn’t what to fork out the money. As a tip, dont blast other people on a social site like Facebook. If you feel the need to whine and cry about the choices you made, get a therapist. They are paid to listen to cry babies..
This post has to be a joke. First of all, she said that she can’t afford to pay half the tuition. That is a completely valid point. Second, to discredit the hellish powers of a manipulator and/or narcissist is a totally unempathetic and inhuman way to think. She’s not “whining” or “crying.” She is a victim of mental/emotional abuse. Yes it does exist, and it can be as bad as other forms of abuse because you can’t see evidence of it. If anybody suspects anybody they know might be a victim of this type of abuse, please speak up and ask them. They might be just waiting for someone to talk to and help them because they’re too afraid to bring it up into the light.
I love your post Shannon, because this person is so out of touch and mean. It made me so angry and sad to read such a heartless reaction to someone who’s feelings are so valid. She should tell her story. It probably helps people who are dealing with manipulators and the abusive crazy making they put people through. Victim shaming is the worst thing you can do to someone. It’s so disappointing.
Wow! You clearly didn’t read the article very well. She can’t afford it, but the child’s father does and is saying he will pay for it. Under those conditions, it’s agreeable (he should just sign the stipulation.) Those clearly aren’t his intentions. Using your kid to guilt her is a manipulation tactic. I wouldn’t doubt that he would “innocently” bad mouth the mom to the child if she doesn’t give him his way. Normal relationships give facts and stick to them. Manipulators say whatever it takes to get their way, knowing full well they won’t do what they say. Just a tip, it’s not nice to call people cry babies, especially when they are so valid in their situation and frustrated. Completely heartless and rude to say the least. This post has to be a joke.
Hey brilliant story, thank you so much for sharing it with us, so I have a questions” in my case I am the dad and the manipulator is the mother of my 2 builtiful daughters.
i currently live in Mallorca Spain and my kids live in england with their mother, I often travel there every 4-5 weeks to see them and call them 3-4 times a week.
every once in a while the mother uses manipulating tools to keep me from speaking to the girls, for example, I once sent her money a bit late by 3 days and basically that week I didn’t speak to the girls because she was mad at me eventhough I told her in advance. The next incident she just did recently was to sign an application form for a polish passport as the girls have the right to do so, I said I would sign the papers if I would get a confirmation for Christmas as I haven’t spent Christmas with my daughters for the past 3 years and I have been bending over for her all along and not getting anywhere. I asked about Christmas back in June 2017 and now it’s almost September, she said it’s too early to make a decision but realistically it’s my term to have them for Christmas.
I am afraid she won’t allow me to have the kids once again and she will use some emotions manipulating tools like, i will spend Christmas alone with out the girls.
So what hat should I do, I am in a total disadvantage as in UK the mother has the right but I also have the right as a dad, she didn’t consult me on what school the kids will be going, I am trying to be more involved with the kids but all she does is ignore and blame me for cheating and for destroying her life.
i left her because I wasn’t happy and moved on with someone else.
Would muh appreciate some helps please, thank you for taking the time to read