Mother’s Day, a day to honor mothers and maternal bonds, first celebrated in 1908 and the bane of a stepmother’s existence every year since. That’s over 100 years of awkward stepmom moments! The moment when you are in church and mothers are invited to stand and be applauded. Yeah that. Am I supposed to stand up halfway?
Or, the cards from the kids that are specifically to “Mom” which you are decidedly not. Uh huh. Hallmark and other retailers make millions with high-priced nic nacs and specialty cards galore celebrating the holiday while you guardedly press on through the day counting the hours until Monday arrives.
My husband and I married on a breezy September day. As a custodial stepmom, by the time Mother’s Day rolled around the following May, I was well-versed in my role in our family. I was cook, chauffeur, counselor, financier, spiritual guide, washer woman, bleacher sitter and a host of other jobs that moms the world over practice every day. I also know that I did not give birth to these three children with whom I share a last name. Yes, they lived with me but they needed to honor their mother. After all, I was thankful for her. Without her, I wouldn’t have the opportunity to get to be part of their lives.
My first Mother’s Day was, thankfully, calm…a gift in and of itself. My family hosted a cookout for all of the moms in our family. There were aunts, moms, grandmothers and stepmothers among us. With the focus off of me in particular, I could enjoy the day.
My stepdad brought me flowers to welcome me into the ranks of motherhood. (After all, he got it.) My niece gifted me with a potted plant. And my stepchildren gave me balloons and a spa gift card. (I still have the balloons, deflated though they may be all these years later.) They also spent time with their mother. Just as they should.
Not all stepfamilies are created equal. Not all stepmoms and stepkids share good relationships or even kind words. However, for the majority of stepfamilies, it’s logical that the female in the equation takes on a maternal role when the children are present in the home, whether they are full time or not. She may carpool, prepare meals or help with homework. Whatever the role or the amount of her involvement, she is co-parenting with her partner. She is a stepmother and she should be celebrated for her efforts to nurture her partner’s children. That can be achieved without eclipsing the mother who gave them life and provides biological love.
As of 2010, the Pew Research Center estimated 14 million stepmoms in the U. S. alone. That’s, at least, 14 million women every year who face the burden of dealing with what should be a celebratory occasion for all women who contribute to children’s lives. Stepmoms, don’t put pressure on your family to celebrate the perfect Mother’s Day. You may not receive gifts or cards, breakfast in bed or even a “Happy Mother’s Day!” But you are no less important to your family. Your spouse invited you into his and his children’s lives because he valued you and trusted you to be a positive influence. Allow him to take the lead to honor you on Mother’s Day. (Keep in mind he might need a nudge.)
A movement began in the past few years to celebrate Stepmother’s Day the Sunday after Mother’s Day, based upon the premise that there were no tangible ways to honor stepmothers. No cards, no balloons, no nic nacs. Plus, in shared custody situations, Mother’s Day is most often spent with the biological mother leaving little, if any, time to celebrate stepmom. Let’s also not forget that there is potential pressure on kids who celebrate stepmom fearing that mom will resent the recognition. All valid reasons to consider a separate occasion to honor those 14 million women filling stepmom roles.
Mother’s Day. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. A Tale of Two Cities’ Charles Dickens just about got it right and he didn’t even have a stepmom. Is it the worst day of the year for stepmoms? Maybe. Is it awkward? Definitely. As for me, this Mother’s Day, I’ll be watching my stepson receive his college diploma. His mother and I both contributed to his becoming a productive young man and that’s enough celebration for me.
I understand you are writing this article from the perspective of the step mother. I can understand how as a custodial parent, you are tasked with many of the same responsibilities that many single parents are faced to deal with everyday. My ex has recently remarried and now lives in the same town as my son and I, however, for many years, I was left on my own as a single mom to provide exclusive care for my son while holding down a demanding corporate job and tending to a house and other domestic responsibilities while my former husband worked two time zones away and was living a double life was another woman while we were still married.
My ex and I do not get along for a number of reasons but now that he has remarried, feels I should have to share Mothers Day with his new wife to which I say no! I’m sure you may ask why I’m unwilling to be flexible here but honestly, no biological mother should not have to share Mothers Day with a step mother! Call me any name you like but if you haven’t had to stay up all night to care for a sick and teething infant, had more responsibilities to juggle than hours in a day, had to drop and juggle work commitments to pick up a sick child from school because dad wasn’t around or could care less; had to be the Easter Bunny; Toothfairy; Santa, etc… all due to the fact of an absent father because his girlfriend was the priority and now ask your childs mother if she will share what day she has rightfully earned with the woman you were screwing around with when you were still married is beyond unfair to ask.
I want to speak for all of the single moms out there that bust their humps to give the best life possible to their children despite the fact that many dads have other priorities! No single mother should ever be asked to share Mothers Day as they have well earned the right to have a day honored for them where they can spend time with their children. If you are a step mother, regardless of what you think of your childs mother, as long as that mother is caring and doing the best they can for their children, you need to step aside and be respectful. My ex husband, to prove a point, told my son that he couldn’t make nor would his father help him purchase a small gift for me for Mothers Day but that he would gladly take my son to buy a gift and card for his Step mother. Honestly, I could care less about the gift because what is the most heartfelt gift of all is the homemade card and words written inside of it from my son as well as the time we spend doing something fun on this special day!
I completely agree with absolutely everything Michelle said. I don’t know your situation, or why the children don’t live with their mother, but I want to point out and make obvious one thing you may never have thought of. You have a husband who can take responsibility for celebrating your role in helping to raise your step-children. As a single mom, most of us have nobody to ‘nudge.’ I find it appalling that you feel you need to tell your husband to organize something to celebrate you – isn’t that like patting yourself on your own back? Furthermore, there is nobody here to help my kids celebrate MY role in the children’s lives. Perhaps, from your perspective, you can’t see that there are many, many single Moms whose thanks is the cuddles and kisses from their kids, the huge hugs and ‘thanks, Mom!’ that you get when you’ve helped them with a project, the joy of seeing them succeed, and the beautiful handmade cards and gifts that schools have the children make every year as part of their art curriculum. I haven’t gotten a single Christmas gift, birthday gift, or Mother’s day gift aside from home made gifts from my kids in the 5 years since my divorce, except this year, when my oldest son and his girlfriend thoughtfully went shopping and chose a very appropriate gift for me on my birthday. Do I care? Not a bit. Do I feel that I’m not being rewarded? Not a bit. Mother’s day is a ‘Hallmark holiday’ created for card companies to make more money – and now, being exploited to pressure folks to buy presents for Mom by other companies. It’s just another day. So is Christmas, so is my birthday. Yes, there are celebrations to be had, but do I care if it happens immediately on MY days? Not really. Christmas break is two weeks long – loads of time to celebrate. My birthday – well, hey, if I don’t have them on my birthday (which I do, as part of our agreement) it’s not a big deal if we have to celebrate early or wait a week. Mother’s day is the same, though I do appreciate that I have my kids on Mother’s day too, and love their excitement to make me runny eggs and warmed-up bread for breakfast with a weed pulled from the yard stuck in a glass of water. It simply brings me joy to see my children so excited to celebrate with me. I am a REAL Mom, so I GET it. Life happens around these days. You got balloons and a spa card on your FIRST Mother’s day as a step-mom. I’m really not following what you’re complaining about. Celebrate it on Saturday instead of Sunday if you really feel you must have a special day all for you. And for God’s sake, just go buy your own presents if you feel like you have to tell someone to go buy something for you. Once you can find the reward in the children’s own feelings about you in your celebrations, you’ll be able to let go of your hangups on the day. Let their biological Moms enjoy this one special day of the year without complaining about how it’s not about you. Make your own day, and your own traditions, and stop caring what marketing is telling us we should do.