Over the last 7 years I’ve met quite a few of my ex’s new girlfriends. Our children have met more of them than I. Here are a few stories that may help you when the time comes for you to meet the ex’s new girlfriend (or maybe not….it’s highly debatable).
I usually learn about the new woman in his life because our children are talking about “miss so and so,” a lot. If a woman comes up in their conversations very much it is a good sign that she is the new woman in his life.
Below are a few of my new girlfriend experiences:
Miss B: My kids were talking one day about Miss B. “We had home cooked food at dads last night, Miss B came and made spaghetti and garlic bread and it was so good Mom. It was awesome to have homecooked food at dads house.” Miss B was frequently in their conversations, one day when I dropped them off at his house the kids said Oh mom, Miss B is here. I was surprised when I met her, she wasn’t his normal kind of woman. However a few days later my daughter came to me in tears, she said she didn’t know what to do because Miss B had approached her (a text) and told her that she was going to be her mentor. That she would help my daughter with her spiritual walk and her relationship with God because Miss B understood what a poor example I was for my daughter.
Yes, that was all in the text message. There was also a small sentence that said “let’s not tell your mom about this because she will try and push you away from me”. Hmmm, none of that sat very well with me. I slept on it and sent my ex a text the next day. I told him that since I was the sole custodial parent any “mentorship” needed to be cleared by me before initiating anything.
He said it was a program at his church. So, I contacted the church leadership and gave them a copy of the text message and told them how very disappointed I was with the program member circumventing the parent in this situation. The church leadership told me Miss B was not a part of the mentorship program. At that point I sent a text to Miss B and my ex, informing them that even by their own religious rules they were out of line, they were circumventing the God and court appointed authority in my daughters life and anyone that qualified to be a mentor would be certain to clear things with the parent.
At that point Miss B began to call and call and call. I sent a text stating that all communication had to be in writing. She sent the following “I apologize for offending you. I was in no way going behind your back. I talked to your ex about it a few weeks ago since he is the parent I know and the one who attends our church. And and then she added, “to be truthful, but not intending to be rude, the God Given Authority belongs to your ex. He’s the man, head of the household and leader of the family. God put him in that position and man cannot remove him. I respect you wanting someone else. I will continue to pray for your children like I’ve been doing the past 2 years. Your children hold a very special place in my heart and you are more blessed than you know.” She received no response from me. Their relationship ended at some point.
Miss C.: We were at a family event where one of our children was going to receive an award. Everyone was seated around tables and I noticed a woman at the table directly in front of me because she stood up and her shorts were hanging low and her entire a** was exposed to me.
She reached back, pulled them up giving herself a wedgie and exposing the entire lower portion of her a**. I was mortified, then my youngest came runnning up and said “see mommy there is Miss C.” A few minutes later my kids introduced Miss C to me. I had just been exposed to much more of her than I ever intended. Then her husband came and introduced himself to me as well. Yes, it was lovely. They are still together. Miss C and her husband and Miss C and my ex.
Miss W: Miss W was married but separated when she and my ex began their relationship. She has a teenaged daughter that developed an extremely unusual and seemingly unhealthy relationship with my ex. Miss W and I met several times, she worked in our school district for a while so it wasn’t unusual for me to run into her. Her divorce was finalized and she and my ex broke up immediately.
However the relationship between my ex and her teenage daughter has continued. She sits on his lap, spends the night at his house (even when our kids are not there), people make comments, lots and lots of comments. Yet both Miss W and my ex are ok with the unhealthy relationship. It has caused a lot of problems with our kids, a lot of drama and explaining why dad loves this girl more than he loves his own kids. Miss W is actually getting married and moving away soon and I wonder if her daughter is going to stay here with my ex.
Meeting each of these women and others I haven’t mentioned has been interesting. I’ve shared some humorous situaitons however there are things I keep in mind always when meeting or communicating with my ex’s new woman:
1. My children are the most important thing in my life and this means a). I want them to respect the woman he is with just in case it turns into something permanent so I encourage my children to focus on the good things about her. I listen to their complaints if they have any and show them how to handle those situations respectfully.
2. He is my EX! Not my spouse. Why should I care if he has someone new in his life? I am happy for him, honestly. As long as his women are good to our children then I want my children to learn to love his current woman.
3. KARMA! Someday I may be the new woman in someone else’s life and hope I will be treated with some modicum of respect.
OMG, allowing your children to be exposed to that level of I don’t no, a combo platter of emotional, inappropriate sexual interactions, religious junk and then stating your children should find something to respect about these women is just bizarre. You should protect your children from inappropriate people anywhere, anyhow. Their father is a moron.
Nancy,
I appreciate your comments. In any situation, especially a divorce parents do not have complete control of their children nor would I want that. Who their dad brings into their lives is entirely his decision. I cannot control that. What I can hope to influence is my children’s responses and reactions to the people he brings into their lives. I teach my children to be open-minded loving and respectful individuals. They need these skills in all walks of life, not just in their relationship with their dad. I require all my staff members at work to be respectful of everyone, not just the people they like or the people they think deserve respect. I have the same rules for my kids as I do my employees when it comes to respect.
Being respectful of someone does not mean you agree with their choices.
On a side, protecting our children from inappropriate people anywhere, anyhow is not practical nor is it anything I would want to do. I teach my children how to make intelligent, respectful choices in all situations, even less than ideal situations.