Divorced? Check.
Mother? Check.
Burnt out? Double check.
Hey. I’m appropriating one check mark for each child I raised under a very dark cloud, and more or less alone. Well, as alone as one can be with the menace of storms following you around.
Perhaps I should add a few more checks. Let’s see. Maybe I could multiply by the number of years the divorce dramas played out on stage, which I estimate at nine, though I never know if I’ve seen the final curtain call.
What’s that – 36 check marks?
Right. You get the gist. I will now unceremoniously, unabashedly, unequivocally, unapologetically state what my (single mom veteran) friends will recognize. I’m zapped, zonked, whipped, wiped out. I’m unable to achieve a sustained second wind, no matter how many times I try. I am the poster child for Divorced Mom Burnout.
Is there a pill for that?
Divorced Mom Burnout, By Any Other Name?
Silly me. I thought for sure I would have beat burnout by now. In need of a proper definition of the term?
Allow me:
“… An emotional condition marked by tiredness, loss of interest, of frustration that interferes with job performance. .. usually regarded as the result of prolonged stress.”
Nine years? I guess that qualifies. “Job” performance? I’d say life performance.
“Emotional” condition? That one’s troubling. What about the health impacts of sleepless nights, confrontations, trekking to multiple jobs, running from school to school and activity to activity, scrambling for a sitter with a sick child?
What about those who share custody but the hand-off to the other parent involves a shouting match, yet another no-show, or a long drive when you’re out of gas – and I don’t mean for your 12-year old Honda?
What about living under constant stress – kids, work, an ex that’s unreliable, or worse? What about those who are dealing with extraordinary circumstances beyond doing it alone – for example, a child with special needs?
Single Mother Comparisons
I loathe single mother comparisons, yet I make them when it serves my purpose. What’s disturbing is the way differences divide us rather than encourage us to help one another.
I daresay that burnout isn’t the experience of every divorced parent, but I firmly believe that it is a little talked about, little acknowledged, legitimate “consequence” of single motherhood. It may be particularly acute if you have no help, if legal or financial fallout continues to dog you (for years), or if your kids experience more than the “usual” challenges of childhood.
Add an element to further stir your murky pot – say, a health problem or unemployment.
Wouldn’t you be crazy not to feel “tiredness, loss of interest, frustration” – and then some? How could you not worry yourself sick?
Positive Attitude, But…
Sure, I have my mantras for Mondays, my tips for Tuesdays, my wishlists for Wednesdays – all manner of methods to remind myself of the good in my life, practicing “count on nothing, but count your blessings.” Maybe that’s as good as it gets for most of us, especially parents, whatever our age, stage, or marital status.
But that doesn’t mean I’m happy about living a crazed lifestyle – still – and tracing its origins to my divorce.
On that note, here’s the paraphrased long definition of burnout from the (medical) resource cited above. It uses the nursing profession as an example.
“… mental or physical energy depletion after a period of chronic, unrelieved job-related stress characterized sometimes by physical illness… Causes of burnout peculiar to the nursing profession often include stressful… work environments; lack of support; lack of respectful relationships within the health care team; low pay scales compared with physicians’ salaries;… pressure from the responsibility of providing continuous high levels of care over long periods; and frustration and disillusionment resulting from the difference between job realities and job expectations.”
A Telling Exercise
Now try this. Everywhere I’ve bolded a word or phrase above, substitute as follows:
- job —> single parenting
- nursing —> single parenting
- work —> home
- health care team —> family or community
- physicians’ —> ex-husband’s
What do you get?
“… unrelieved single parenting stress characterized sometimes by physical illness… Causes of burnout peculiar to single parenting often include stressful home environments, lack of support, lack of respectful relationships within family and communities… low pay scales compared with ex-husbands… disillusionment resulting from the difference between parenting realities and parenting expectations.”
Interesting, don’t you think?
Burnout Leaves You Dwelling in Shadow
How many single mothers does it take to change a light bulb? If she’s as burnt out as the bulb, forget it. Deal with the dark until daybreak.
If our health suffers as a result of prolonged stress, if our financial resources are perpetually drained taking an additional toll, if we periodically or regularly dwell in a state of burnout – emotionally and physically vulnerable, and essentially operating in the shadows – isn’t there a societal impact?
Don’t we pay the price in collective quality of life, in productivity in the workplace, in parenting skills affecting our kids, in their eventual quality of life and health, and subsequent contributions to society?
Why isn’t every politician standing up to help single mothers and their children, or mothers and their children, or parents and their children – period?
We Know the Problems. Solutions?
As for those “continuous high levels of care over long periods” that (partially) explain burnout, would nine years of parenting with skirmishes in the background qualify? Shouldn’t we consider what crazy custody battles and inequitable post-divorce lifestyles mean to our country as a whole – not to mention to our kids?
Do we really want to ignore statistics on single mothers (generally) and income inequality?
“Estimates vary, but single parenthood can account from somewhere from 15 to a full 40% of income inequality… Single mothers’ economic vulnerability is also hugely impacted by the fact that they are their children’s sole caretakers… If a child gets sick, a single mother is faced with leaving work and risking her job (or at the very least, losing a day’s worth of pay) with no one else to fall back on…”
Motherhood is Political
Burnout?
Yeah. And I’m not alone.
All those worn to the bone, exhausted when they wake, beleaguered by their budgets, demoralized by nightfall, languishing in lethargy but still trying their best – please stand up!
(Then sit. I know you’re tired.)
And hear ye, hear ye: I may be burnt out, but that doesn’t mean I’m non-functional. The thing is – I want to come back from burnout. I know the problems; I can’t tackle the solutions alone. Money always helps, but as a society, we need decent jobs, respect for women, and infrastructure that doesn’t penalize families.
I also know this: We won’t get far if we’re compelled to maintain “Happy Talk” while denying the reality of our challenges. Might I add, we should tell it like it is – and vote like it is – if we ever want to end parenting burnout and build a better legacy for our children.
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Thank you so much for writing this. I am lucky enough to not have financial worries (so long as my job remains stable), and also will admit that my life got better after divorce (all the same work but the screaming, demeaning, mess-creating ex only is seen rarely at this point, rather than daily).
I don’t scream back, I walk away. Every. Single. Time.
At this point, I pay people to pick up my kids so that I don’t see my ex during those moments. Because I am afraid that he will hurt me.
There’s all that stress too.
One article I’d love to see is how women are silenced during this process- anything I say will be held against me…and twisted or denied or justified (screaming in the street? You must have said or done something…). (Spreading nasty rumors? Well, he’s upset…)
I love my kids. I love my life. And I have the same fantasies I had when married- that I was part of a team…
Anyway, thank you.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Helen. And you’re so right. We are often silenced throughout this process when speaking up would help so much. The challenge is how, to whom, in what (safe) venue… I will give some thought to what you are saying. It is definitely a topic to be discussed. And I will try to tackle it, at least, my experience of it.
Again, thank you for reading and commenting. And best of luck.
D. A.
Thank you for this. I’m a single mom, my elder son is autistic, suffers from anxiety, depression and other issues. My ex lives across the country, and I have no one. I’m unemployed, I live off the measly child support I get and food pantries; I can’t afford a babysitter, especially one who could handle my son’s special needs. My life has been nothing but a struggle for years. I have never spent one day away from my children, and I’m so burnt out. And I feel like I cry out for help over and over and no one listens, no one cares! I could be such a better mother if I just had an evening to myself a few times a year. Instead I sit here at my computer crying my eyes out trying to make it through a day.
I found your article while feeling depressed. I always feel depressed after dropping off my daughter to her dad’s place as I share the care of my baby with her dad.
I always wondered why the feeling of flu, headache and brain dead-ness never went away. After months and years?
Thanks to this article. I think I am “just” burnt out. “Just” a regular symptom of single motherhood.
My daughter suffered from separation anxiety when she first started childcare. But I still suffer from separation anxiety whenever she is not with me. Despite I know her other family will treat her well.
I am very tired. I kept on telling myself to be grateful for all the good things in life. And I am. But I can’t help to feel depressed from time to time.
Thank you for your article. It’s good to know that I am not alone. And I shall continue to fight and be strong.
This nearly brought tears to my eyes. I’ve been a single mom with 1,000 miles distance from my ex-husband for a year and a half now. Our son had emotional issues as a result of the move, but it was utterly necessary for my health; we couldn’t keep living where we were. As a result of moving after day care filled up, and being drained from his care and my own adjustment, my retirement drained within a year. We have no cushion. So, I am working multiple jobs (one part-time, one commission only, and freelance business that I used to work full-time). Despite my hard work to get us out of harm’s way, I’m behind on bills, have no possibility of buying Christmas presents until December 22, and I’m in a constant struggle with my son over small things that become large battles like 1) not eating on the floor 2) not leaving plates there. I hate what I hear myself say in frustration. I hate that I yell. I’ve taken parenting classes. I know better. But he doesn’t respond, doesn’t even seem to hear me, unless I raise my voice. Meanwhile, his dad is in a new relationship and is prioritizing time with his new girlfriend over time with his son. (Not a new phenomena, just a new girl.) So, even though my little goes on a two-week break from school this Friday, his dad hasn’t made plans to come see him, and the plans he is bandying about are only for 4-days out of 14. So, I have to pay extra childcare since his normal day care is closed, and I don’t get a very long break. And the break I get isn’t when everyone has time off. He’s planning his trip in the middle of the work week. So, I don’t get to actually rest, or take real time to myself at all. I don’t know whom to talk to about all this. I don’t know that my friends have the capacity to absorb this much drama. My family isn’t a great resource for me. And my therapy is only approved every 4 weeks. I wish I could afford a sitter sometimes to give myself some time. But, I can’t. Not yet. And I hope that I don’t damage my relationship with my son in the meantime, as I struggle through this extended hardship. That’s really the worst part. I’m working so hard, and we aren’t even getting along very well.
Thank you. Every now and again it is good to be reminded that i am not alone. I have been divorced and a single mom for 10 years now. I don’t get child support and work extremely long hours as a medic. I work a lot of extra shifts to barely make it every month. I don’t have family close by and do everything on my own. I am however blessed with an amazing son who is my greatest joy.