Lately, I’ve been running into a lot of divorcees. It’s not that they weren’t out there all along but now that I have joined their esteemed ranks, it seems they are everywhere: standing in line for the ladies room, at the library, having lunch at the next table or waiting to have their oil changed at Jiffy Lube. It’s similar to buying a new car and suddenly realizing how many others drive the same model; it makes you feel like you’re part of a trend. And it’s fun to compare war stories with others of my ilk and realize how much we have in common; as a matter of fact, it’s kind of comforting.
What has surprised me most, however, is the fact that so many of these women’s ex’s are still angry and bitter about their divorces. I can really relate to this because even though my ex-husband lives many miles away, I keep hearing how he’s still bitter-ever-after and believes I was the one who single-handedly tanked our marriage. Although this infuriates me, my way of dealing with it is to make light of this recrimination, telling its bearers that he’s has morphed into “my bitter half”; I find this helps me feel better almost instantly.
But this does lead me to wonder what I should say to the huddled masses of divorcees who share the same problem. Aren’t we just a tad bitter too? And isn’t this to be expected? I’ll be the first to tell you that I’ve had a season pass to bitter-fest ever since my marriage took its final bow and it does tend to leave a bitter taste in my mouth when I think about it. It takes a lot of hard work and perseverance to get rid of these feelings because, like a fungus, bitter likes to hang out in dark corners and fester and honestly, I’m not entirely sure I’m ready to shine a light on it just yet.
I guess I’ll have to put this on the list of things I need to work on and one of these days, when I can’t stand another minute of it, I’ll do something about it. But until then, quite honestly, I’m happy to accept the part of me that’s all about the bitter and the angry because it’s the fuel that has kept me rolling forward on many a day when all I wanted to do was wallow in the sadness of it all. Even though I’m long-since divorced I still have a bitter half, but now I realize I don’t have to drive clear across town to see it – all I have to do is look in the mirror.
The question as to if I’m bitter, yes, I must say I am, but wish I wasn’t.
My husband of 33 years walked out on our marriage on September 16th, 2013, without so much as a word to me that he no longer loved me anymore, nor the reason why he wan’t making any more physical contact with me for over 6 months, I lived in a love-less marriage for over 30 years, and yes, I am very bitter about it, because he truly “sucked the life out of me” and am now almost 57 years old. He has never apologized to me, for hurting me in any way, shape or form. His ex-boss told me a while back, when I told me about my husband leaving me, out of the blue, that “people change”. But now I know, they really don’t, because these types of people, are arrogant, condescending, and emotion-less individuals, and have it in their DNA to do this to others.
My only solace in all of this is “what goes around, does come around” and one day, it will bite my husband of 33 years on his ass. During the quiet times of my own self reflection, has brought me to the conclusion that my husband might evern be gay, because he left me to drive big rig trucks and live it it too. At age 55 years old, I can only imagine him stopping at truck stops to solicite male sex, because that is what is there-sex, prostitution, drugs and crime.
I am trying to forget this man, and even trhough out every reminder of my life with him. In October, with lots of hurt, rage and pain, I threw out our wedding album, and my wedding ring in the garbage can to be taking out with the trash pickup the next morning. Then, I went into a box of photos that had never made it into the albums, and cut up or ripped up -every single picture with him in it. The day he left me, I moved all the bedroom furniture around, threw out all the bedding, and and bought myself all new sheets, pillows, a lace dust ruffle, cotton scented air freshener, fresh flowerrs, and laid down, and breathed, cried, but on the way towards trying to heal from the trauma of abandonment.
I know who I am, and now see that I stayed way too long in my marriage to this man. He is now, “just someone I used to know” and one day, maybe, I can even thank him, for giving me back my life.