Talking openly about sexuality is not typically my thang. I consider myself a pretty conservative person, choosing to keep my feelings and stories private.
Television can have some pretty bizarre programming in the middle of the night. Often times when working night shift, my patients will fall asleep with their tv on. Sometimes a program will catch my attention. Last week, there was a talk show on I had never seen before and the panelists were discussing waxing.
When I spotted the assignment on our writer’s message board, I knew I had to tell my story.
Every time I hear the word “Brazillian” when referring to waxing, I have to giggle…
It happened over 10 years ago, but I remember it as if it were yesterday.
Keeping things “tidy” down there has become the modern norm. Gone are the days of the ‘fro, if you know what I mean. If you don’t, please refer to any Playboy from the early 80’s. Let’s just say the carpet matched the drapes in the decade of big hair.
Being a mom of young children at the time, I became impatient with the time consuming “tidying” and went all “hard wood floors.” After failed attempts at home waxing, Ted decided he thought I should have a Brazillian. I had no clue what this entailed, but being an adventurous soul, or maybe just a huge sucker, I agreed. He bought me a gift certificate at a local spa and took it upon himself to set up the appointment. Being from the conservative Midwest region, I had never before experienced anything like this.
There were special instructions before the dreaded day even arrived. For “best results” there needed to be ½-1 inch of growth. Ok…after shaving completely for quite some time, allowing that much growth was, for lack of better word, itchy. So, out of the gate, I had the feeling this was not going to be a fun experience.
The day of the appointment arrived, I checked in and was ushered to a luxurious locker room. I was instructed to completely disrobe, and put on the fluffy bath robe provided. I was then taken to a “waiting room” filled with other women in their matching bath robes. I wondered how may were there for the same reason, jealous thinking they probably all had relaxing wonderful days planned, while I was headed for the guillotine.
When my aesthetist was ready, she took me to my room. There was soft music playing, incense burning, and a white table that no matter how “spa” they tried to make it look, looked like an exam table out of a doctor’s office. I was instructed to lay down and she explained the “procedure.”
Now, I have worked in the medical profession for a long time. Naked bodies are nothing to me, but when it was my own, and being completely heterosexual, I was uncomfortable to say the least. The aesthetician was wonderful, explaining she, too, had difficulties at first.
No matter how nice the end result is made to sound, having hair ripped out of any part of the body, let alone a very sensitive region, is far from pleasant. I quickly threw out all past feelings of thinking I had a high pain tolerance.
I kept the best poker face I could.
Next came the tweezing…..yes…tweezing. The only thing worse than having hair ripped out of your nether-regions is having stubborn strays tweezed from said regions. I was truly starting to break out in a cold sweat, hands clasped so tight my knuckles were white.
Thinking I was about finished, the aesthetician then explained the “FULL” Brazillian that had been scheduled. My mouth dropped open. Turns out, this was the only spa in the city to offer “FULL” Brazillians. i thought…”Nice, Ted.” She told me it was surprisingly not as painful as the first part.
I did as I was told, rolling over onto all 4’s, leaning slightly back, waiting for her to finish the waxing. She was right, it wasn’t as painful, but it wouldn’t have mattered because I was completely mortified.
Would I ever do it again? I do not feel the Brazillian is for me. Besides the cost, the growth needed and pain involved are not worth the “smoothness” that lasted all of a few days. And the selling point of having baby-butt smoothness for weeks? I had significant re-growth in less than a week. Oh well, you live and you learn, and I learned I will never again accept a spa gift certificate for anything other than a massage or a facial.
OMG, hilarious. I do not know what a full brazillian is? Going to google… Okay, GOD, no…… Ted, what a control freak! I can only imagine that he enjoyed it so maybe you got some lovin, but it sounds terrible, no. I shave it but no on the waxing and definitely no on the backside. NO NO NO. ick. no.
Lmao. Thanks CM….allI can say is never again….never again.
(btw, CM, mine was no hair, front to back, slick as a whistle. From what I read, it is also called a “Hollywood” 😉
LOL. I discovered them after my divorce. I never went “full” but found the expense and the effort wasn’t worth it after I got married again. I am a little shocked that CM didn’t know what a full Brazilian was.
I swear it was a form of midieval torture. We should google it. Lol And any man who thinks his partner should be waxed needs to do it first.
My ex and I had made the final decision to divorce after the nth save your marriage retreat. We were at peace with the decision, had agreed to share custody our our children and had worked out all of the property stuff. I know that he was dissapointed (I was the one who needed the divorce), but I was looking forward to moving on. And then I found out I was pregnant. I was freaked out about going through it alone and he was freaked out about bonding with our child if he wasn’t there every day. Long story short, we put the divorce on hold until our daughter was two. We agreed that we’d both put dating on hold and layed out some ground rules. It was pretty wierd at first, but I was so appreciative of the help he provided. We did tell the kids that we planned to divorce, but were going to wait. It was a bit confusing, but it was eased a bit when they saw that we were keeping the promise to always be friends.
Sorry… this belongs on the blog about living with your estranged spouse. Although, to stay on topic, during this time, I did keep hollywood even though I was the only one who got to see.
Too funny. I got the “Hollywood” (not hair anywhere, front to back) for years. I always got my hair, nails and a massage at the same time. It got a lot easler and eventually I felt kind of wierd if I’m on the hirsute side of the cycle. I eventually got the laser treatment. It would have paid for itself in razor costs if I was younger when I had the procedure done.
Jenny, you are a brave, brave woman. That’s all I’ve got to say.