I am not your statistic for emotional abuse. I did not grow up in an abusive household. There was no history of abuse in the family. It wasn’t that my father was not present in my life. In fact, quite the opposite. I grew up in a very loving, caring, and supportive family where our family struggles of health problems brought us all closer together, and my dad, despite being sick, was very present in my life. I also saw how much he loved and respected my mom. I didn’t think it would be possible for me to end up with someone who grew up in an abusive home.
My ex grew up in an emotionally abusive household. His father, although at home everyday after work, did not feel it was his responsibility to help with raising him. My mother-in-law was emotionally abused by her husband. I had no idea! History began repeating itself soon after marriage. But as long as it was just the two of us, he was able to see when he hurt me and would apologize. He would tell me he knows what anger can do, and he never wanted to be “that” person. This is when I began to suspect something. As long as he said he was sorry, I forgave him, and we moved forward. After all, he was my husband, and I was in it for the long haul, in good times and bad.
He was taken back to his childhood times as soon after we got married. His parents came to stay with us for a few months, and the honeymoon was over! My mother-in-law, being the typical backwards mother-in-law from India, started negatively influencing her son towards his new wife.The abuse became worse when his mother came to visit the second time. No matter how much I did for her, no matter how much time I spent with her, or how much money I spent on her, she was never satisfied. I could never do enough to keep her happy. Because she was unhappy, my husband was unhappy.
It was very easy for him to blame me for it rather than stand up to her for me. But, over time, things got much better, and we were in sync again. We bought a house together and made a conscious decision to start our family. Keep in mind, in between her last visit and the time just before I delivered, his mother was out of the picture. So, looking back, it was no coincidence that things were better. I also figured, since it’s external influences causing the problems, it will settle at some point.
The real abuse started when my mother-in-law came back to visit after my twins were born. My precious little preemie twins. She came under the pretense of coming to help, but she did everything but. So, needless to say, my recovery from my C-section took extra long, I was sleep deprived, and exhausted, not to mention the crazy hormonal changes your body goes through after giving birth. So, instead of helping me, she watched me struggle, and would then complain to my husband about all I wasn’t able to do, like take her shopping, cook food for her and her husband, and cater to her. It didn’t matter whether I was home or back to work, getting up through the night for feedings and then working all day.
The stress and pressure and sleep deprivation also took a toll on him as well. Instead of telling his mother her complaining is not helping, and this is my wife, the mother of my children, and we are a family now, he took the path of least resistance and agreed with her. So, all of a sudden, he went from being a supportive husband throughout my pregnancy to calling me lazy, an unfit mother, useless, worthless, unattractive, and other words I will leave to your imagination. He would eat dinner with his mother and father while the babies and I were by ourselves. I would put them to bed and then eat alone while the three of them hung out. He would come home from work, talk to his parents, and ignore me. He would ask his mother about the babies’ day.
I was given the silent treatment for the next few years until i couldn’t take it anymore. He went out of his way to show he didn’t care about me. He would stay out till all hours of the morning doing God knows what, not concerned his wife and two babies were home alone. If I got hurt, he showed no concern and wouldn’t bother to even see if I was okay. He purposely would do the opposite of what I asked just to show me that my thoughts and feelings don’t matter.
His actions, according to him, were justified. My attitude, actions, and behavior, i.e. not catering to his mother, deserved this treatment from him. My behavior towards him and his family had nothing to do with how I was being treated. I am just the low life wife/daughter-in-law who deserves to be treated like a second class citizen in my own home because I could not keep with their demands. I was expected to work full time, wake up throughout the night, feed, bathe, change, and play with the babies, and cook and clean not only for me and my husband, but for two other fully capable grown adults in the house who had nothing else to do, since we kept a full time nanny when I went back to work.
I beat myself up over my part in this. Over my inability and drive to “do it all” in order to keep my husband and his parents happy with me, and to fulfill my duties. I was told I was not “good enough.” That maybe, had I just tried a little harder, I could have done more, and my marriage would have been saved, and my precious kids would not being growing up this way. I knew in my head this wasn’t true, but a part of you will replay everything and figure out what you did wrong.
There is a lot more obviously to my story than I am able to go into, but narcissism played a huge role in his behavior, and the one thing I am grateful for is that I am no longer in that abusive relationship.
What I have learned throughout all of this is that that despite major adversity, I CAN get through it and overcome it. I have learned that I AM capable of taking care of my kids myself. I have learned that I have skills and abilities that I didn’t know I had. The biggest thing I have learned? I have a lot of strength and courage. This knowledge is huge!
I am still healing, and that’s okay.The best part? I have been given a second chance to find someone that will love me and respect me for who I am, and will be that role model for my kids that they deserve.
Related Articles:
- Co-Parenting With A Narcissist: What To Do When Your Children Are Being Emotionally Abused
- Domestic Abuse: Are You In An Abusive Relationship?
- Emotional Abuse: If You Can’t “Get Over It,” You Have To Get On With It
- Emotional Abuse: The Scars That Never Heal
Hello there,
Thank you for sharing your story of the pain of abuse. I hope you are good trauma treatment therapy and know or at least learning, that you didn’t do anything to cause the abuse. Being upset or hopeful or trying hard at your marriage is nothing to beat yourself up about. That is what anyone would do in your circumstances. Giving a loved one a chance is not wrong. What your husband and motherinlaw did is. A pattern of emotional abuse in order to extort something from another is domestic violence in the eyes of the Department of Justice. Trying to work problems out, like you did, is not a crime.
Sadly, you are actually one of the very common stories of abuse. In otherwords, you are the statistical victim. Narcissist make up between 1 to 3% of our population, at 1 %, that is 3,200,000 people in America alone. You, like all of us have great odds at finding and falling in love with a narcissist. They work us good too.
You didn’t cause anything. You were the victim of any injury, not the cause of it, and healing is what is called for, not fixing.
Hang in there and take care of yourself. Blessings and again, thanks for sharing.
So glad to hear you were able to leave your situation. No one deserves to be emotionally abused. The abuser usually never accepts responsibility and easily finds ways of justifying their behavior. There is NEVER any excuse for emotional abuse. Leaving your husband takes courage and your decision may ultimately help your children know what it is to be loved in a family where respect and kindness are valued. I understand what you are going through and there are times where you have to take it day by day. Your husband will always find fault with whatever you do as you will have to coparent with him regardless. Remain strong and asking as you know in your heart that you are always doing what is in the best interest of your children, it doesn’t matter what your husband or his family thinks. I wish you all the best – I hope you will find the happiness you and your children deserve.
I was 17 and was dumped twice so I was taking a break from finding my soulmate. I was really happy being single and just wanted to catch up on me. But after a while, I felt lonely. All of my friends had relationships and I felt jealous because they were going on dates and I didn’t have a guy. So one day, my friends invited me to their house to hangout and meet guys. I went and met a guy. We started talking and he introduced himself. He was really cute, tall, dark and handsome. I told him my name and we exchanged numbers after we talked for hours. I figured he’d never call and I will never see him again. I was wrong. He called that night and we talked on the phone for hours. He texted me right when we hung up and invited me to hangout with him. I went and had a blast. We quickly became friends and I finally met his family. They really liked me. I was starting to like hanging out with him and the feelings became to crushing. I felt like he was crushing on me too. We quickly dated and I felt like the happiest girl in the world. He was super romantic, funny, nice, HOT, and everything I wanted in a man. We hungout like everyday and his parents would invite me to everything. Even called me their second daughter since they already have one but they loved me so much. I felt the crush grow into love and I was falling for him really quick. He was falling for me too. I felt the butterflies and he did too. I thought at a young age that he was the one for me. Boy I was wrong. I never knew the guy I was falling for would be the devil. It all started when we went to his house to go swimming. I must’ve gained a few pounds but I think I ate too much but I wore this really cute bathing suit and felt so confident. I felt like a million bucks. Well he said I was fat. I cried and he begged for forgiveness which I did. He said he was just joking and didn’t mean to say it. Things continued and he didn’t say anything about my weight again. We were happy besides that incident and things got stronger or so I thought. I will never forget the second time where I thought my life was over. We got into an argument and he was screaming, threatening and cursing. He raised his hand to my face and hit the wall. I was crying so hard that I hid in the bathroom. He ran after me and continued to apologize. I was so scared. I was shaking. I had no idea what happened. Things were fine until that argument. I forgave him and he told me he had a bad day and took it out on me. I know I should’ve left but I loved him. I never knew he would do that I was so afraid. His parents asked what happened and I told them. They were so shocked. I thought okay that’s it. He won’t be the devil. He promised he wouldn’t scare or hurt me ever but that promise was quickly broken. I was told I was fat, stupid, worthless, ugly, couldn’t have a career, no friends or family. I felt like he was trying to tell me okay he doesn’t want me to talk or see my friends. I couldn’t give them up because they’re my friends. I have to see them. He became so jealous whenever my friends would call or text and invite me out to hangout. He would try to block them on my phone but I would tell him that he doesn’t have too because they’re friends and he always accuse me cheating with them which I never did. His parents would accuse me of cheating too. I would tell them I’m not. They never believed me. They would try and find proof but there wasn’t any. His parents finally didn’t approve of my religion and always said to date guys who are the same religion but I didn’t want too. I loved their son and they could see it. I guess they were jealous because I found my one true love. We were so happy. But that was short lived again. I remember one time I decided to dress up for him and had makeup on. He told me to never wear it again. It was because he didn’t like makeup on me. Said it was a mask. I finally felt like maybe he was right. I decided to wear makeup more often and he still hated it. I didn’t care. I felt pretty. But then he would comment on my appearance. He would say bad things about my smile and didn’t want me to fix it. I noticed in the mirror that I needed braces. So I got braces and he hated it. I got a new hairstyle too and again, hated it. I finally felt like crap about myself. I felt like hiding in an eggshell. Hated my smile. Never smiled. Felt really fat. He would control my every move. If I was at work he would come in and see if I’m even doing my job. If I was talking to someone, he’d get really mad. He was always manipulating and super jealous. Always called and texted like 100 times. I couldn’t take it. I finally felt less confident even with the braces and new hairstyle. I tried to hide what I was feeling and fake smiled. I kept thinking omg I am fat. I am worthless, I did need braces and a new hairstyle because I’m ugly. I had an idea. I was going to continue with the braces and keep the hairstyle since I loved it and did some drastic things. I quit eating for a week. Lost weight and felt really sick. Was shaking, had headaches, felt really dizzy and nauseous. Had trouble sleeping because I was afraid he was going to hurt me. I couldn’t focus at work because I felt like he was always checking up on me. I was so scared of him. I cried all the time. I had thoughts of ending my life. He was really a monster. I broke down and told my best friend who is my mom. She was in shock after I told her what he did. She told me I can leave for good if I wanted. I said yes. We had a plan. It was her birthday weekend. He called. He wanted to know if we can hangout and I said no. He was yelling, screaming, threatening to hurt me and the family and cursing. I was crying so hard I hung up the phone. I told mom what happened and she said she can make it over for good. I said do it. She texted him and said it’s over for good. She finally told me that she ended it and I felt such a relief. I started to eat again and gained the weight back. I slept great. Felt confident again. Wasn’t scared anymore. I felt like a weight was off my shoulders. I felt happy. I was smiling again. I cried for a little bit but that was happy tears. I felt hurt by the breakup but I feel safe. I am never going back to him and he’s contacted me but I ignore it. I’ve gone on dates with different guys but none I really like. If I get into a relationship again, I will make sure the next guy won’t ever do this. Now that it’s over, I’m extremely grateful that I survived abuse. It will probably haunt me for life but I wanna find true love again. This is my story and hope it helped.
I was 17 and was dumped twice so I was taking a break from finding my soulmate. I was really happy being single and just wanted to catch up on me. But after a while, I felt lonely. All of my friends had relationships and I felt jealous because they were going on dates and I didn’t have a guy. So one day, my friends invited me to their house to hangout and meet guys. I went and met a guy. We started talking and he introduced himself. He was really cute, tall, dark and handsome. I told him my name and we exchanged numbers after we talked for hours. I figured he’d never call and I will never see him again. I was wrong. He called that night and we talked on the phone for hours. He texted me right when we hung up and invited me to hangout with him. I went and had a blast. We quickly became friends and I finally met his family. They really liked me. I was starting to like hanging out with him and the feelings became to crushing. I felt like he was crushing on me too. We quickly dated and I felt like the happiest girl in the world. He was super romantic, funny, nice, HOT, and everything I wanted in a man. We hungout like everyday and his parents would invite me to everything. Even called me their second daughter since they already have one but they loved me so much. I felt the crush grow into love and I was falling for him really quick. He was falling for me too. I felt the butterflies and he did too. I thought at a young age that he was the one for me. Boy I was wrong. I never knew the guy I was falling for would be the devil. It all started when we went to his house to go swimming. I must’ve gained a few pounds but I think I ate too much but I wore this really cute bathing suit and felt so confident. I felt like a million bucks. Well he said I was fat. I cried and he begged for forgiveness which I did. He said he was just joking and didn’t mean to say it. Things continued and he didn’t say anything about my weight again. We were happy besides that incident and things got stronger or so I thought. I will never forget the second time where I thought my life was over. We got into an argument and he was screaming, threatening and cursing. He raised his hand to my face and hit the wall. I was crying so hard that I hid in the bathroom. He ran after me and continued to apologize. I was so scared. I was shaking. I had no idea what happened. Things were fine until that argument. I forgave him and he told me he had a bad day and took it out on me. I know I should’ve left but I loved him. I never knew he would do that I was so afraid. His parents asked what happened and I told them. They were so shocked. I thought okay that’s it. He won’t be the devil. He promised he wouldn’t scare or hurt me ever but that promise was quickly broken. I was told I was fat, stupid, worthless, ugly, couldn’t have a career, no friends or family. I felt like he was trying to tell me okay he doesn’t want me to talk or see my friends. I couldn’t give them up because they’re my friends. I have to see them. He became so jealous whenever my friends would call or text and invite me out to hangout. He would try to block them on my phone but I would tell him that he doesn’t have too because they’re friends and he always accuse me cheating with them which I never did. His parents would accuse me of cheating too. I would tell them I’m not. They never believed me. They would try and find proof but there wasn’t any. His parents finally didn’t approve of my religion and always said to date guys who are the same religion but I didn’t want too. I loved their son and they could see it. I guess they were jealous because I found my one true love. We were so happy. But that was short lived again. I remember one time I decided to dress up for him and had makeup on. He told me to never wear it again. It was because he didn’t like makeup on me. Said it was a mask. I finally felt like maybe he was right. I decided to wear makeup more often and he still hated it. I didn’t care. I felt pretty. But then he would comment on my appearance. He would say bad things about my smile and didn’t want me to fix it. I noticed in the mirror that I needed braces. So I got braces and he hated it. I got a new hairstyle too and again, hated it. I finally felt like crap about myself. I felt like hiding in an eggshell. Hated my smile. Never smiled. Felt really fat. He would control my every move. If I was at work he would come in and see if I’m even doing my job. If I was talking to someone, he’d get really mad. He was always manipulating and super jealous. Always called and texted like 100 times. I couldn’t take it. I finally felt less confident even with the braces and new hairstyle. I tried to hide what I was feeling and fake smiled. I kept thinking omg I am fat. I am worthless, I did need braces and a new hairstyle because I’m ugly. I had an idea. I was going to continue with the braces and keep the hairstyle since I loved it and did some drastic things. I quit eating for a week. Lost weight and felt really sick. Was shaking, had headaches, felt really dizzy and nauseous. Had trouble sleeping because I was afraid he was going to hurt me. I couldn’t focus at work because I felt like he was always checking up on me. I was so scared of him. I cried all the time. I had thoughts of ending my life. He was really a monster. I broke down and told my best friend who is my mom. She was in shock after I told her what he did. She told me I can leave for good if I wanted. I said yes. We had a plan. It was her birthday weekend. He called. He wanted to know if we can hangout and I said no. He was yelling, screaming, threatening to hurt me and the family and cursing. I was crying so hard I hung up the phone. I told mom what happened and she said she can make it over for good. I said do it. She texted him and said it’s over for good. She finally told me that she ended it and I felt such a relief. I started to eat again and gained the weight back. I slept great. Felt confident again. Wasn’t scared anymore. I felt like a weight was off my shoulders. I felt happy. I was smiling again. I cried for a little bit but that was happy tears. I felt hurt by the breakup but I feel safe. I am never going back to him and he’s contacted me but I ignore it. I’ve gone on dates with different guys but none I really like. If I get into a relationship again, I will make sure the next guy won’t ever do this. Now that it’s over, I’m extremely grateful that I survived abuse. It will probably haunt me for life but I wanna find true love again. This is my story and hope it helped.
Wow, I could have written this exact article myself. Sorry you went through that. I’m going through the same and we are all white so I see it can happen to any culture. I pray that you and your kids find healing, peace and happiness. Stay blessed.