The Proper Time to Introduce a Threesome

Yes, I tried online dating again. Why? Because I’m not a quitter.

The scoreboard is now 0 for 6.

Statistically speaking, I have a better chance of getting struck by lightening than Cupid’s Arrow.

I now feel like the Universe is more interested in the book I will need to write about online dating, than actually sending me a lover. Or perhaps I just need to have a more open minded approach to sexual preferences, styles, positions etc.

Let’s call him…Steve.

Again, I chose Steve, to be sure he wasn’t chasing me, and that I have some control. Steve looked good online. He was tall, handsome (for real), well written and he replied to my ice breaking “Hi there,” message. Winner.

So, as I do with all dates since Dollar Store Dave, I asked for name. He not only gave his name, but a last one as well. To me, this is a great sign that Steve is Steve. But I’m not that gullible. Oh not since being cat-fished do I think it’s that easy.

I Googled Steve’s name and conducted a reverse image search. Bam! Legit. His Linked In profile came up. Name is same, pic is same. This man went to an Ivy League school. Damn. I may have a real gem here. May, is the key word.

So, Steve starts off well. Strong beginnings are good. He was interested in me, made some highly educated witty banter. Shoots, scores. Then after only a day of messaging he suggested we meet. Is that a red flag?

I decided it was a pink flag. So I said, hey Steve, why the rush. He responded logically. He feels like a lot of time is wasted chit chatting, and that meeting someone is about actually meeting them in person.

I can honestly say Steve had a point. I have spent weeks, maybe months talking up a storm online, to have it abruptly end the day after a first meeting, or finding out they don’t really exist.

But, again I’m nobody’s fool. Flattered, yes. But not going to meet anyone that quickly. I pushed him back a week, and said let’s first find out more. He agreed, and was cool.

So meeting day happens. We choose 11am. A safe, daytime, well-lit cafe.

I arrive early to establish territory. He messages that he is on his way at the appropriate meeting time. Nice.

He walks in. Immediate smiles by both. We have the same glasses on. Mwawww.

I stand up and we casually hug, in a way that says’ you look like your pic I am thankful.’

For an hour straight we fill every second with equal talk. I am thrilled that he has asked a lot about me, but has also shared captivating stuff about himself. I’m still consciously aware not to be enamoured. I’m not desperate. But he is scoring higher than anyone yet.

I make the call to end the date, as I have to leave him wanting more. We stand up, walk to the parking lot and again hug. A hug that now says, ‘I would definitely like to see you again.’ He says, we will be in touch, with a dashing, Ivy League smile.

I drive home, and feel positive, but still have feet on ground. History has shown that online dating doesn’t work for me. I, however, cautiously, coerce the Universe to remember that I’m due for some good luck here, and this guy would make up for the faker, the dumper and the dollar storeman.

An hour after arriving home, my phone dings. He has left a sweet message. ” I had a really nice time today. How about you?”

So I messaged back ” Yes, I had a great time (I used great, seems needy, but I didn’t care.)”

We message for the rest of the day, off and on. Things like, so, what’s your favorite band? Food?  Do you run? Yoga? Have Pets?

I pour a glass of wine and start cooking dinner. All the while dancing and checking messages. He seems fabulous. I can let my hair down a bit, and allow myself to deserve something good. I can see this working out.

Stir the pasta, sip the wine. Ding. Yay! A message from him again, he can’t not talk to me. How cute!

“So, what’s the naughtiest thing you’ve done, or are you an angel since having kids?”

Heart sinks. Here it comes.

I type back, “The naughtiest thing? Continuously forget to return library books.”

Him: ” Lol, no I mean more like…have you ever kissed a girl.”

Me: “Maybe, but I don’t kiss and tell” (being coy, of course I have, but I am not telling him)

Him: “Aww…are you sure, cause I really love to watch and participate in that sort of thing.”

Me:” What sort of thing, exactly. ” ( I know exactly where this is going. Down the shitter, so I need to now gather writing material)

Him: “If you have and are into it, let me know. Otherwise no big deal  ”

Me: (Yeah, no big deal, just dropping the threesome bomb after hours from meeting you) “So, let me be crystal clear. Are you looking for one woman or two women.”

Him: “That’s a loaded question. Are you asking cause you are curious, and into it? For me I am into it.”

Me: (ranty) ” To me it’s a simple question. Yes, or No. Let’s go with Yes, you’re looking for two. Here’s my advice Steve, introduce this desire of yours straight from the start. Not necessarily in your username like “threeforme333“, or in your profile; ‘ I like long walks on the beach with you, and her’, but within the first few messages. Or, and this may be hard for you, bring up a threesome at about five years into a relationship when it’s time to spice things up. Because then, and only then is it a legit way to conduct yourself.”

Delete, next.