Gone, But Not Forgotten

My husband is long gone. The woman I was when I married him? She’s gone too. But I would be foolish to forget the road that brought me from there to here and the not-so-fleet-footed manner with which I traversed it.

To say I was naïve would be putting it mildly. It would be like saying that a dish is a bit too salty when salt is all you can taste. I wore my hopes and dreams on my sleeve, was in love with love and truly, being somebody’s plus-one for life was all I ever thought about before I took the final plunge into the icy waters of my marriage. I settled for him because I envisioned the happily-ever-after and ignored the troubles-right-now. And like a poorly built house, when our life together began to sink into the muck and mire of unhappiness way too soon, I was all that stood between us and the demolition crew.

I became the energetic and willing wife, trying new recipes both in the kitchen and the bedroom, believing I had enough vim and verve for the both of us. You would have thought that the piss and vinegar he brought to the table would have put the damper on that single-minded enthusiasm of mine but amazingly enough, I continued to rally. I was a cheerleading section of one, a single voiced choir singing, “Let’s Stay Together”; I was a damned three-ringed circus of love, truth be told. But giving our marriage my all was not enough because he was all but out from the moment I said, “I’m in”. And, as the saying goes, it takes two to tango.

I’d like nothing better than to forget the woman I was back then: forgiving, understanding and pathetic. Quite frankly, I’m tired of thinking about the whole thing and I’m sure everyone I know is just as worn out as I am. But it’s important to take stock of the past in order to put it to rest, say adios once and for all and ride off into the sunset. It’s important because I never want to make the same mistakes again and in order to make sure I don’t, I need to remind myself once in a while that the bad old days did rule the roost for longer than I care to admit. Those days are gone but not forgotten and I think that, in the end that is really all fine.