How long did it take you to stop missing me, to become indifferent regarding me? Is this common in open relationships to be disposed and forgotten so easily? Apparently yes, from what I’ve read on hundreds of posts in the hundreds of hours I’ve spent trying to understand polyamory and open relationships. Trying to get a handle on my jealousy and insecurities so that I could be as “evolved” as you and your open relationship tenured partner. Heartbreak is rampant. Women falling victim to the sanctions of the jealous wife who feels you are now too close. We are many. So why do I feel so alone?
There are dozens of inherent flaws in such relationships. But taking ownership of my own part, perhaps, is my bad karma coming back to me like a boomerang as it tends to do. I guess it’s like how I walked out on my ex-husband, right? How you stopped loving me.
It’s ok, I don’t fully blame you. It’s me. I was never someone that was easy to love obviously. My mother always said I was a difficult one.
Since you’ve left, I’ve come full circle and reverted back to the girl I was before I met you almost five years ago. Jaded. Cynical. Good only for sex, not at all lovable.
But, babe, our love was a fairy tale, me the lady, you the prince (or my god, Dionysus). But not all fairytales have happy endings. I was Cinderella for a brief moment. But now I’m back to sweeping the cinder from the stairs in my tattered gown and sad eyes, void of all hope.
It was just a dream and now I’m awake again while you thrive like nothing happened, happy and fulfilled. We recognize each other distantly, like a faint memory, a shadow of memory peeking through a haze of amnesia. But we are strangers where we were once the most passionate of lovers, the best of friends.
I’m envious of your resilience. I wish I had that.
I guess this is like when my incumbent left you, you reached out to her and she refused, said your pain wasn’t her problem. My pain isn’t your problem either. You are indifferent to me now where I was once your “perfect woman.” I was the one you held tightly with tears in your eyes, begging me not to leave you, to have patience, you would fix things. I trusted you. I believed you. I was naïve.
At least you and your partner are happy. Two out of three isn’t bad and you are the only two that mattered in this ‘open relationship’ anyway.
I was just her understudy, a placeholder, as she was always the star. Understudies are a dime a dozen. Stars are forever.
You say that your partner continues to struggle with “our mistakes” (conveniently not her own) but, honestly, I don’t know why she would still struggle. We all know who is really important now. And not only am I valued as less than her, but now less than every other girl before or after me. Being less than her wasn’t enough, I have to be worth less than everyone in the entire world.
That’s not “just circumstance,” as you say. That’s soul shattering and heart-crushing and I don’t know how I can ever fully heal knowing I was once so valuable and now I’m nothing to the one person who mattered to me. I am not a circumstance; I am a person, a person you’ve forgotten. Now I am nothing.
I’m sorry I react poorly to that. I’ve never felt discarded like trash before. It’s a new feeling. It’s just so hard, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to accept. That my fate was removed from my hands and into the hands of one who made it clear that she was insecure and jealous over and despised me with a vengeance. To realize you have no control in your fate is unsettling; judged, sentenced and executed without a word in your own defense is tragic. In her eyes, and in her words, I was a “pest to be eradicated and exterminated. A worthless nobody, delusional to think you could be loved.”
C’est la vie. Her word as gospel, and you as her faithful disciple / henchman. This battle has been as radical as any faith-based war on the planet, only I’m the sole casualty.
She may not have her health or a job or friends or family, but at least her heart is full. I’m just empty now. A full heart is what is important. The rest is just survival.
I appreciate all that you did and how hard you tried for as long as you did. I recognize you went through a lot at home because of the love we shared. While I’m grateful for being able to share in those experiences and benefit so much from them, I also feel regret that I brought anything but happiness to your life. For that, I sincerely apologize as it was never my intention.
Thank you for loving me when you did, as much as you did. The struggles I’ve had to let go are a direct indication of the power of what we shared and the loss it is to me. Sometimes it’s a blessing, sometimes it’s a curse. As they say “How lucky I was to have someone who was so hard to say goodbye to.”
Despite the anger and pain and sadness I face, I do wish you well and that you continue to find peace in your life. Don’t beat yourself up too much. You did all that you could for both her and I. It was her who refused to be pleased.
The time I spent with you I will never regret. You were my lover and it was beautiful. I will miss you forever. Forever is a long time.
I’ll set you free and move on as you wish. Pen pals are overrated. There is no need for further contact. I’ll be fine. Best of luck with my future replacement. She’s going to need it.
Love,
RM xo
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You are a fool, like all of us women who have fallen for a married man. We need to learn that they feed us what we want to hear so that we fall in love and stay. And, once we stay, we put up with the crap they throw at us while they use us for their own needs and then run back to the wife for the perfect life. I lost 3 years of my life and now, over 2 years later, still hurt, still am not back to the old me, still check up on his/their wonderful, happy life as I sit alone. Don’t let yourself become me. Walk away and keep walking. No, run, run and don’t look back. A married man will never give you happiness. It is a falsehood, a veil of lies that they drape over our eyes and us women, being the idiots that we are, let them use us. It wasn’t a fairytale, don’t kid yourself. He played you, you fell for it and now you are the one who looks and feels foolish. It doesn’t matter what they call it, what they say, if you are not the wife, you are not the one that matters. Don’t pretend you had anything in this relationship because it will cause you to hang on, to have hope and I speak from experience and years of waiting, nothing he did or said to me was real. Move on to save yourself. I’m sorry you had to live through this too.
Jade. Thank you for your comments. I am indeed a fool. Never before in my life have I felt more stupid and foolish.
My story differs slightly in that my exLover was in a very tenured, open relationship where both he and his partner had lovers and loves outside of their relationship.
His partner sadly has a chronic illness and I enetered with trepidation and after meeting her, finally settled into what I thought was consensual and enthical as she had her own boyfriend as well at the time.
I was sorely mistaken and I was discarded, as most of us are, as you said.
Open relationship, polyamory, cheating, it’s all the same. You , at the end of the day, are without value or worth and only the spouse matters. You are nothing.
I have written about Polyamory and would never wish it on my worst enemy. It truely is the best love you will find but it’s counterbalanced with the most demoralizing heartbreak you will ever suffer.
I wish you find peace as well someday. I hope my pain doesn’t last 3 years as yours has but I wouldn’t be surprised. I am quite scarred.
Love and strength,
RM xo
Wow! Every sigle word you wrote is me to a “T”. What I’m going through, what I’m Feeling everything. What does one do next? I am so lost and everyone can’t understand or want to.
Hi Donna, my apologies for the late response as I haven’t been on here in several months. Trust me when I say that you will heal and move past this. Everything just takes time. I heard a wonderful quote once that said “When you’re going through hell, just keep moving.” That’s what I did, paused along the way, but found my way out and you will too!
Stay strong, positive and BELIEVE that you deserve and will find better.
RM xoxo
Get over it. You have a problem. According to the long , long , long letter you apparently wrote, you were dumped lady. Get over it. Don’t dwell on it. You also have poor judgement in picking your men. Gow up. You need a change of attitude or you will repeat the same mistake over and over again. You picked the wrong guy! Do you get that? That is why you are in this situation. He is not concern the lesat bit about his passed relationship with you or the ones before that. You are just another female on his long list. Figure out what you really want out of a relationship before taking the next plonge.
Hi Kate.
Thank you for your comments. I invite you to take a look at the date on this “letter” as it was written almost 2 years ago.
I could comment further on my relationship with him and how it didn’t actually end at that time as I thought and we did try again and how we are still incredible friends to this day but I will refrain.
I have found love with another man and have been happy in a relationship for the past 7 months. All is healthy and happy.
May I suggest you get some help for your obvious pain and anger issues?? That is more of my concern now than your hate filling spew of contempt towards me on a Saturday night.
Cheers! RM.