Kids suffer when their parents divorce.
There is no doubt about that.
There is no real way to protect them, although I certainly tried my best. Stanley and I birdnested from May, of 2011 through May, 2015. That was 4 years of he and I living out of bags and rotating in and out of the marital home while our 3 children slept snug in their beds. They didn’t have to make a significant adjustment in their living situation and they stayed secure in their homes.
During that time and with 3 children, we experienced not one behavior issue or falling grade.
Now, my kids are going back and forth on a weekly basis.
We exchange after school on Fridays, so that they have time to get accustomed to their bed over the weekend before school starts on Sunday. That is smart and I think has helped them sleep. But, we are experiencing the “I left it at Dad’s” phenomenon with chargers, headphones, etc.
Y’all may remember that Stanley gave me some ‘rules’ for the New World Order:
1. Don’t go in my house when we aren’t home. Yes, well, yesterday he offered me a key. Dumb Ass realized he needs me to be able to go in his house sometimes.
2. If a “divorced kid” is sick during your time, you are the one to take them to the Ped and stay home from work. Umm, that one really pissed me off because he’s NEVER taken them or stayed home from work. So, Merlot was sick last week, his week, and he dropped her off here both days. Al works from home and Merlot crashed and watched Netflix with him keeping an eye on her. Hey, it worked out great, but Stanley, Stanley, Stanley… how quickly you start to suck.
Speaking of Merlot. She is suffering.
Last week she was a wreck. She called home from school every day with a stomach ache. She called me, she called Stanley, we took a soft line and went and got her, then took a hard line and made her stay. She cried, pouted, and yelled. She told me that Daddy said she needed ‘professional help.’
Wait, that is what I do…
Finally, I went and got her at Stanley’s when he was still at work and took her out for a coke.
We had a Come to Jesus meeting at Panera Bread.
Yes, she feels anxious at school but her stomach really does hurt. Yes, she likes being at Daddy’s new house, but it doesn’t feel like her house. Yes, she likes Daddy’s live-in girlfriend, but she isn’t me. Yes, she feels like she is adjusting to Al living with us, she loves him, but he isn’t Daddy.
Then she said, “Why do I have to adjust to this at all? It isn’t fair.”
Her real question was,
“How come you and daddy couldn’t live together and love each other like you promised?”
Well, because we suck, I guess.
So…. I told her that I was sorry, so sorry. That we both loved her and wanted her to live with us all the time but that since we couldn’t live happily with each other, we needed to share her. I cried real tears. We were two tear stained messes in Panera Bread.
I asked her if she wanted me to divorce Al and for Daddy to kick out his GF and for us to get back together. She shook her head no and cried harder.
I told her that the mother of one of her school friends had told me last week that her parents divorced when she was 9 years old and that she had 2 happy homes and that they all were on vacation together in Michigan the week before school started. I told her that 2 Happy Homes is our goal for them.
As if…
I told her that if she didn’t go to school and stay at school they were going to put Daddy and I in jail.
She started looking hopeful.
I told her I didn’t look good in orange and could not rock a jumpsuit. In addition, Daddy would never make it in jail. Ever. He would hate the food . He would be someone’s prison bitch by dinner time. (J/k)
She smiled just a little.
I took that as probably as good as it was going to get, packed her up and took her back to Stanley’s. We stopped and bought her some generic Prilosec (Her pediatrician suggested it) along the way. She has been back to school successfully since then but she also has been here with me since Friday.
The older 2 are doing okay. Has anyone else had these issues?
We have been sharing custody for the last five years. The kids are with me one week, with their Dad one week. In the big picture it works but it seems more and more something is left at the other parents house. Now that my Daughter is a tween and has her own room at my place she is liking the back and forth less because she sares a room at her Dad’s. Both kiddos have stated through the years that the back and forth is what they like the least or right up there with their parents not being together and everyone in the same house. My son when he was younger refused to go back to Dad’s a few times. Eventually he went. I have not had the stomach issues with either but I have seen the strain on them the back and forth can be. Because I work outside the home full time it is usually that they did not get enough time with me on our week and that breaks my heart! I think it was easier when they were younger because they did what they had to. Now they are older and wiser and see they can say how this makes them feel more than when they were little. Because their Dad has been at home he was usually helpful in watching them on my weeks when they were sick. Now that he is working we will see how that goes. It is really hard to do the back and forth and the guilt trips for me are usually a few times a week for one reason or another. I don’t think it get’s any easier but I know they need the time with their Dad too. I appreciate you sharing what you and your family are going through with shared custody. I know I am not the only one doing this but it sure helps to read what others are going through too. thank you!
Thank you Deb! It is good to hear we aren’t the only ones.
We didn’t have adjustment issues – because mine were so young when they started. They now have one of everything at each of our places and don’t bring stuff back and forth. I imagine it will get more difficult in the tween/teen years – but they do adjust. Ours is an even more rigorous schedule than yours – they’re on two days, off two days, on the weekend, and then the other way around.
Liv, I thought you did 2 WEEKS! We did the 2/2 thing when we bird nested.
This is the schedule we have with our 9 year olds and has been for 2 years. Last week they asked if they could have longer time at each household so they can be settled for a bit.
My kids go back and forth and I hate it! It’s been 3 1/2 years and I still hate it! It doesn’t get better for us Mom’s! My kids have not had behaviour issues but we’ve certainly had the stomach aches. It used to be the older one and now it’s the younger one. It always happens the night before the changeover and I’m convinced it’s the anxiety of leaving one home for another. It stinks and I wish I could change it and have them all the time but their Dad loves them too and that’s what I tell them. I hope it gets easier for your kids and thank you for writing this blog, it’s often been a sanity saver for me!
Thank you! Brit, how old are your kids? The stomach aches are the worst. I hate the stress to cause physical symptoms!
My kids are 10 & 7. I feel guilty every time one of them complains of stomach ache right before the changeover. It doesn’t get easier I’m afraid 🙁
My kids have been going back and forth for two years. Every other weekend at dear old dad’s and the rest of the time with me, in the only home they’ve ever known. My daughter, Princess, started pitching HUGE fits as only teens and toddlers can do (she’s 15) and hasn’t spent the night at her dad’s since March. Yup March. She sees him once in a while but she’s pretty much mine 24/7. The ex probably wants to sue me for parental alienation in which case I’ll counter sue for back child support and additional child support. So, your daugher’s reaction is TOTALLY normal. Change is harder for some kids than for others. She wants her family back. No guilt trip on you. It just sucks.
I wish we could do the every other weekend thing but Stanley has been determined to have his share of time. Does your EX get upset because she won’t stay over? It is hard to make a 15 yo do anything!
I did the birdnesting for over a year and just about lost my mind. I don’t know how you did it for four years! My kids are now 11 and 8 and we have had separate households for over two years. The leaving of things at each house was troublesome at times. That is solved now, but not necessarily a good thing for me. My ex moved into the same subdivision as I did….he literally lives 45 seconds from me! My ex and I have our issues, but living so close has been great for the kids. Even though he may have the kids for his time it is not out of the norm for them to stop by on their bikes and see me and vice versa for him. The kids really like it and it solves the problem of leaving things at the other parents house because they can just go get it. In the end it is how the kids are doing and for now this works for them. I can deal with any other issues I have with the situation because that is what mom’s do!