Dear Other Woman,
I am sorry that it took losing your family, the love of your life, and yourself to discover that the passion with a lover does not conquer all. I am sorry that you broke up a family, almost two families, in the process. However, your mistake is not a small one and it affects many lives. To say that you “fucked up” and that you “made a mistake” makes light of this. Your choice to leave your marriage for another man and your lover’s decision to sneak around behind his wife’s back affected others’ lives as well; it is completely dishonest. We all make mistakes, but this is more than a mistake. It is the murder of your marriage and your actions teach your children that it’s okay to tell a lie. Cheating is a completely selfish choice because you are only thinking about you.
Your children’s lives got caught in your quest for love when you decided to have an affair. Your children didn’t ask to have their family split in two because mommy finally found her prince charming. Now they must shuttle back and forth whether they like it or not. One day they will ask why their lives are here and there; if you are truly honest like you say, you will have to look them in the eye and tell them that you chose to follow the passion of a lover in secrecy instead of being strong and ending your marriage in an honorable way.
You are your boys’ role model. When they grow up, they will want to be like their mommy and dad. When teaching children, to be honest, kind, and dedicated people, the first thing they look to is their mom’s example. How are you going to explain that you only thought of yourself and disregarded what your whole family unit stood for? Are you going to say to your sons, “I just needed passion in my life? Passion is the most important thing. It’s more important than family or honesty or respect.”
In the meantime, your children may lose sleep, withdraw in school, or have trouble with friends. They may become disinterested in a subject or cry for random reasons throughout the day. (I should know as I see this in my classroom.) Eventually, they will adjust and be okay, but they will remember what they went through as kids. Here is the kicker, though; one day they will know the reason they went through it. Your choice cost them the peace of mind knowing that they have parents who they can trust. If you had left honorably, at least your children could say, “It just wasn’t meant to be,” or “They weren’t a good match.” How do they trust mom if she is lying to the whole family and sneaking around behind everyone’s back?
You can find yourself and change your life in many ways. Were you in a crappy marriage? So, end it, solve your problems like a grown adult, and then find yourself. Go on a vacation. Get a new job. See a counselor. Read a self-help book. Move for God’s sake, but running around and destroying people’s lives for you to feel better about yourself is not okay. I don’t care how sad and desperate or depressing your life was, or how much you connected with your friend, cheating is not the answer.
Cheating is hurtful. It is raw. It is selfish and awful and something you can’t undo by a sorry or saying that you learned from it or that you fucked up. It doesn’t go away and it’s not something you can undo by writing an article that people click on.
Now that your life is better, take a look around you. Look at the carnage in your wake. What did it cost for you to finally feel good about yourself? How many lives did you alter and change? I hope it was worth it to you. To say that this affair “Changed Your Life for the Better” is like a slap in the face to all women who had husbands lie and sneak and deceive. Bravo for you. I’m glad you are better now because of your lie.
From the wife of a cheater and a mother of two,
Stephanie
Stephanie,
I most certainly agree with everything you wrote. I did not write to make light of a terrible situation, or make it seem like it was only a minor mistake. I wanted to shed light on something I’m truly ashamed of and how I’m coping with it the best I possibly can. You’re absolutely right. It impacted not only me, but the ones I love. And, as I mentioned, I carry that guilt everyday.
What’s done is done. I made a horrible decision that impacted my life and my children’s life as well. But I can’t dwell on it. “For the better” meant I’ve gained clarity and self awareness. It was not intended to slap you in the face or anyone else going through the same hell. I can either let my horrible mistake drag me down, or learn from it. I’ve chosen the latter and all I can do is move forward.
As I read all of the posts above I am laughing to myself. I was with my cheating husband for 23 years. I stayed because I thought it was best for our children. I was never physically abused but I was certainly emotionally abused. The first time he left me he said he would come back after I received counseling (only to find out he had a girlfriend). Anyway I gave it EVErYTHING I had to make it work again but found out my 53 year old husband has a 31 year old girlfriend. I left him with everything. Everyone thinks Im crazy but I don’t want my daughters to think that is a healthy marriage. Walking away was the only way to be completely free of him. He is still a horrible person with money but, I have my dignity and self esteem that is something he can NeVER take away from me again. I have so much peace and calmness in my life and she has him!!LOL the joke is on her.
For you to write an article based on another article singling out another woman is pretty low. Maybe if you weren’t such a c*nt your husband wouldn’t have cheated on you.
That is completely uncalled for! Just because you may not agree with what she wrote there is no need to call someone a degrading name. Use your words to express positively and respectfully….and with class.
The same could be said for the writer of this article.
From one Stefany to another I agree with what you wrote 100%. I too was the wife of a cheater (now ex wife, thank God) but I can tell you that I would and will NEVER be the other woman no matter how strong of a connection I felt towards a man. I believe too heavily in Karma and would be scared to death for what the consequence would be. Just know that you are not alone and that we as the innocent spouse are much better off no matter how much it hurt in the beginning.
Testing
Both of these women are in pain. Yes, for very different reasons but emotional pain is relative and I don’t believe one has earned comments “Karma” or insinuations that some dreadful thing will happen to her down the road. In fact, I’m thinking that something dreadful has already happened to both of these women. So, comment if you wish BUT if you came here to covertly belittle a DivorcedMoms writer, it isn’t appreciated.
Im not a believer in Karma. I do, however, believe that the pain of a betrayed wife is much more heart wrenching than the pain of someone who chose to be calculating, deceptive, and selfish. The suffering of the other woman is completely self-imposed.
That’s like saying someone who is stabbed by someone else hurts more than someone who inflicts that pain on them self. They are both wounded. It’s painful for both sides.
I too think that both of these women are in pain. It comes across in both articles very strongly. I do not condone cheating but I do feel that women attack each other on this issue as if they are the only ones at fault. Married men cheating on their wives are just as much to blame. Let’s see some of the blame directed at them too.
As the now ex-wife of a man who cheated throughout the entire 40 years of our relationship, I have zero pity for (1) anyone who is married and engages emotionally and/sexually with someone other than their spouse, and (2) anyone who is single and engages with someone whom they know to be married. Affairs don’t just “happen”… they are a choice. The carnage left in the wake of these selfish decisions is incalculable.
Why would you choose to stay for 40 years with a man who was cheating? And sense you chose to stay aren’t you more responsible for your pain than your ex and the women he cheated with? Which is worse, choosing to have sex with a married man or, chooing to stay married to a man who has sex with other women?
There’s always two sides to every story. I read that Other Woman article too and it appears she is remorseful. I don’t agree with what she did but she doesn’t deserve a blogger or anyone to attack her in this way. I also think it is low of you to bring up her children. As a mother that is a low blow. You don’t know what she is going through or her children. This article is disappointing in that you would target and be so judgmental towards someone you don’t even know because of what they wrote. Your situation is awful and sorry to hear it but that is no reason to drag another person in your pain when I’m sure they are still dealing with theirs.
I suspect all of us make choices we later wish we could take back. It’s indeed unfortunate when married people become involved with someone else. I would guess there are a multitude of reasons. Maybe some people pursue a thrill of something they’re not “supposed to do.” Perhaps others have felt neglected or looked over and crave some sort of attention. There are lots of choices. Does the other spouse look away? Do the couple end the marriage? I read the first post and didn’t see it as a mea culpa as much as what the writer took from the experience. Making meaning from experiences is my mantra. Stuff happens. We make choices. We wish we could change the past but we can”t. The best we can do is move forward and create some sort of meaning.
My heart hurts for both women.
Having been on both sides of this story, I can say there is no easy answer. What I’m disappointed in, however, is that in stories such as these, the common theme is to blame ‘the other woman’ while the husband often is begged with and pleaded with for reconciliation and the ‘other woman’ is the one vilified.
Let’s be real here. The other woman didn’t make the commitment to the marriage, HE did and I hope that he received as much vitriol at his actions as is bestowed on the woman he fell for and entrapped into his life with his sad stories of how unhappy and unfulfilled he was.
I’m sorry for both women’s pain but it’s no better to throw the other writer under the bus for her mistakes than the actions she took that led to the demise of amarriage. I hope both find peace.
An affair is a big red flag that there is something wrong in the marriage. I believe you have an extremely narrow lens in the way you are looking at the situation – and frankly are naive in thinking you had nothing to do with your husband’s cheating. It would be much healthier to look at what YOU did wrong in your marriage to cause him to stray and learn from that, instead of posting a cruel and insensitive (especially bringing her children into the article) letter to someone who is sharing her story, with great remorse.
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly….thous protest too much! How many married men have you “influenced” to believing that they were justified in cheating on their wives? How many men did you push along when they were whining about being ignored for the kids, or their wives had gotten flabby after pushing out a few babies, or they didn’t feel “loved” by wives who’d worked a full time job, taken care of the house, the pets, the kids, the relatives, HIS MOTHER?! A woman attempting to “shame” a wife who is dealing with the destruction of her family by a snake acting the victim. Your lens isn’t narrow (as you accuse this ex-wife), it is blind and stupid. Have a nice day!
Stephanie, I totally agree with what you wrote here. And I miss your writing. Please write more. 🙂
I went out with a guy who I was super “into.” He tells me why he divorced: he had an affair, moved in with his girlfriend while is wife begged and pleaded for him to stay. The girlfriend ended up breaking off the relationship because of the drama that surrounded him. I thought: NO ONE deserves to find their ONE & ONLY in the midst of hurting people and destroying so many things in their path. I couldn’t fathom dating the guy another time– he was capable of something I found beyond repugnant.
When I left my husband, we had yet to file for divorced and just weeks after I left, starting chemo treatments, all lives in turmoil, my husband found a girlfriend. It was beyond devastating. I knew my husband was a monster but what woman would date a man whose wife left him weeks prior and had cancer and no divorce was filed, kids were in shambles… I wanted her to GET OUT OF MY MARRIAGE (though it was ending) and let it play out without her in the background offering him support and comfort, egging him on. I mean, who does that? To this day, it has destroyed my assumption that most decent people had decent morals. I now know that there is so much in the gray. But I DESERVED to end my marriage without new girlfriend in the picture.
And yet I do know that there are reasons people end up heading to affairs. There are men who will cheat regardless of how amazingly perfect the wife is. And then there are those who do it out of desperation, as a last resort. I have written that I came “that close” to having an affiar. My marriage was horrific and I knew if I slept with another man, my husband would finally leave. I couldn’t do it. And I am so happy for that choice because I can sleep at night. Cheating is never ok.
2 years into my second marriage, my husbnd decided that he didn’t want to have sex anymore. He never said that he wanted a divorce and the rest of our marriage was ok at the time. I found a man who said that he wasnt getting any at home either but didn’t want to leave his wife. We both went to the doctor and had an HIV and STD test. We had scheduled, awesome sex 3 times a month for a little over a year. He took a new job out of state and our relationship ended on its own. Having a husband that isn’t sexually available to you does a number on you self esteem. My marriage is not going to last forever but it won’t end because I had an affair outside my marriage BUT because I wasn’t having sex inside it.
You had a choice. Live in your marriage as it was or end it. Instead you became the other woman in someone else’s marriage.
Did that woman not have a right to be happy? What about her self esteem?
You are selfish